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Writing about trust

Old 12-16-2012, 03:05 PM
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Writing about trust

My therapist asked me to write about trust, to just spill out what it means to me, how I've learned to mistrust certain people in my past and present, etc. I have to admit I'm feeling writer's block for some crazy reason. You'd think this would be easy.

What are your thoughts on trust? Not just with the A in your life, but in general and with humans in general. Maybe I'm thinking about it in too broad a term, LOL? But, for me, I've become very distrusting of people and some of that is brainwashing from my paranoid AH and some of it is from just being burned by others. My own inability to let it go also seems to hamper my own recovery and any positive movement I am trying to make.
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Old 12-16-2012, 03:24 PM
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i am having a hard time with trust too my friend.....*something i have been playing mind games with myself lately*....more meditation is needed on my part
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Old 12-16-2012, 03:27 PM
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I think trust is extremely important in any relationship- with my AH I lost all trust in him due to the lying etc and then I started to lost trust in myself which is not right but I put myself in that position over and over again. I am breaking free - trusting in my HP. Trying to learn to rely on myself again to trust myself and my decisions and trust the people in my life who I know are there for me - my sisters my brothers in law- my sons my old friends. That is all I can think of - :-)
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Old 12-16-2012, 04:13 PM
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When I was small, my dad would always say to me...
"Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe."

I've found over the years that each of those sentiments rings true.
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Old 12-16-2012, 04:20 PM
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Trust. I lost trust in my ABF along time ago. His lies drove me crazy. If he would only be honest with me and himself, I would trust him. I can't make him trustworthy either. I'm working on trusting my own feelings now. Reading and writing on this site is therapeutic. I joined this site today 😺. Anyway...trust to me is when you have no doubts..a peaceful feeling.
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Old 12-16-2012, 04:30 PM
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I have big trust issues.
I haven't met a man worthy of trusting yet.
I had a bad sexual experience at 16, my husband of 20 yrs ran off with my best friend & my alcoholic boyfriend I left recently just cheated on new girlfriend with me.
I believe trust is one of the major things in a healthy relationship.
I need to work on trust but I need to work on attracting people that I can trust. I want to be able to trust I just need to choose more carefully & I am in no hurry at all until I find myself.
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Old 12-16-2012, 04:38 PM
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I keep bringing this reading to my therapist's office but we have had some other big ones to cover. I plan on talking more about it next visit (after the holiday)

We can trust Ourselves by Melody Beattie in the Language of Letting Go 11/27

For many of us, the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it's whether we can trust out own judgement again.

"The last mistake I made almost cost my my sanity," said one recovering woman who married a sex addict. "I can't afford to make another mistake like that."

Many of us have trusted people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them. We may have found these people, charming, kind, decent. There may have been a small voice that said "No-something's wrong." Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.

The issue may then reverberate through our life for years. Our trust in other may have been shaken, but our trust in ourselves may have been shattered worse.

How could something feel so right, flow so good and be such a total mistake? We may wonder. How can I ever truste my selection process again, when it showed itself to be so faulty?

We many never have the answers. I believe I needed to make certain "mistakes" to learn critical lessons I'm not certain I would have otherwise learned. We cannot let our past interfere with our ability to trust ourselves. We cannot afford to function with fear.

If we are always making the wrong decision in business or in love, we may need to learn why we insist on defeating ourselves.

But most of us do improve. We learn. We grow from our mistakes. Slowly, in increments, our relationships improve. Our business choices improve. Our decision about how to handle situation with friends or children improve. Oure decision about how to handle situations with friends or children improve. We benefit from our mistakes. We benefit from our past. An is we have made mistakes, we needed to make them in order the learn along the way.
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Old 12-16-2012, 07:20 PM
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Trust is letting our guards down and knowing we will be there to protect each other. It's knowing we can love each other so deeply and not be hurt so badly by the other. It's knowing that when we tell each other something, we can believe in each other, whole heartedly, that it's the truth and we know that what we say and show each other coincides with the words and actions to make them one.

My marriage is lacking trust and that hurts me deeply. I did trust him until everything that came out of his mouth was a damn lie and our life became a SHAM drenched in alcohol! I can't and won't believe anything he says to me until he can back it up with his actions.

Trust. There is no *us* in trust between us because it doesn't exist right now. It hurts me to tell him that I don't trust him.
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Old 12-16-2012, 07:45 PM
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Awesome share, LifeRecovery!

I've obsessed this one and as it applies to my beloved AW I've found peace for now through the following chain....

1. I should not trust someone who has betrayed my trust until I believe they have changed
2. I can't believe you've changed if I don't see remorse and amends
3. I can't see remorse if you don't tell me WHAT you are sorry for, WHY you are sorry and HOW MUCH it means to you.

Some other things I'm learning (would say learned but that implies perfection, I'm learning and my view will change with time)...
1. If I reject the good things you do today because of the past wrongs or future fears which may never happen then you can't make amends, I can't forgive and life will be so miserable that you would be well advised to leave me.
2. I am not required to give you a second chance. If I do, then I AM RESPONSIBLE for that decision and responsible for allowing you to make things right. That means no throwing the past in your face. The past is reason to verify and doubt, not an excuse for beating you down with guilt and shame. If you do what I asked and you promised and I reject it then I am not trustworthy,
3. I need to put myself in your shoes. Maybe right now I am the good guy but nobody likes self righteousness. I should treat you fairly and with respect. I should show gratitude and not withhold praise as we go. Not just when the debt is repaid.
4. I need to be willing, in my own time, to tell you the debt is paid in full and retired. I need you to regain equal footing eventually because it is better for me if younhavevsel esteem and don't feel like less than me. If I hold onto this trump card and throw it down whenever I am losing an argument on the merits then I am an *******.
5. I need to forgive you AND myself andvaskmfor your forgiveness. Whether my sins were lesser or greater is secondary, I need to remember and own the crap I do and make amends even as I ask you to make amends.

Liz, this is tough but for me humility has been key. I hate feeling like nothing is good enough. Pound me for past sins long enough, after I've made up for it ten times over and hold it over my head and eventually I stop trying and my remors will turn into resentment.

My therapist gave me a great tool: drop the rope if you are in a tug of war. The other person has to stop pulling to or else they fall on their ass and look foolish.

I resent feeling like I am always the one dropping the rope first but that's pride and my desire to be vindicated and right. Right and miserable sucks, I want happy.

I've found that the more right I am when I drop the rope the more impact it has and the more dramatic the shift from defensive to remorseful in my wife becomes. I asked my therapist if that was manipulative (a trait that scares me in myself, way too good at it). He said everyone manipulates and it's only bad if it is done to put the other person at a disadvantage - so being the one to apologize when the other person is wrong isn't the bad kind, turning stuff around on them or yelling when you know you are wrong is the bad kind. Intent matters ;-). Humility and grace are hard to get mad at. Haughtiness is infuriating.
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Old 12-16-2012, 08:27 PM
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Merriam websters def...

1
a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
b : one in which confidence is placed


That about sums it up.

I cannot rely on the character, ability, strength, or truth of my A. I have n confidence in him. Therefore, there is no trust.
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Old 12-16-2012, 09:01 PM
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Wow PohsFriend. That was excellent. Something I feel I need to reread over and over.
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Old 12-16-2012, 11:01 PM
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I'm trying to decide which my XAH lost first - my trust or my respect. I suspect it was my respect because I can pinpoint an exact moment when my trust was shattered, but I had known he was dingy in the head for a while before then. The question for myself then becomes... Why would I trust someone I don't respect? And, for that matter, why might I respect someone I don't trust?

...pondering...
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Old 12-17-2012, 02:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Fathom View Post
I'm trying to decide which my XAH lost first - my trust or my respect. I suspect it was my respect because I can pinpoint an exact moment when my trust was shattered, but I had known he was dingy in the head for a while before then. The question for myself then becomes... Why would I trust someone I don't respect? And, for that matter, why might I respect someone I don't trust?

...pondering...
Fathom
Yeah thats a double whammy... You can respect someone you don't love but I'm not certain the reverse us true.
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Old 12-17-2012, 04:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Fathom View Post
I'm trying to decide which my XAH lost first - my trust or my respect. I suspect it was my respect because I can pinpoint an exact moment when my trust was shattered, but I had known he was dingy in the head for a while before then. The question for myself then becomes... Why would I trust someone I don't respect? And, for that matter, why might I respect someone I don't trust?
...pondering...
Fathom
This is very interesting for me. I lost my trust a very long time before I lost my respect for him. You have nailed a key in my relationship with him, and you just opened my eyes to something very important for me, a breakthrough in understanding what my situation was.
Some A's have good careers, make good money, have all their financial ducks in a row, and then the bad side of this...may be controlling and authoritative. That was my H. He was patronizing and sometimes condescending. He spoke authoritatively to me, to me of all people--a very headstrong person!--and even went so far as to order me around and try to command me.
I respected him because he had a very strong authoritative demeanor and was successful career-wise. He was very much like my father in that way.
But key here is--I continued to respect him even after he repeatedly broke my trust. So I was very confused because when you respect someone's authority, even if they should be your equal instead, you continually doubt your lack of trust. I doubted myself because he tried to command me. He exuded that "I am the man in this relationship" demeanor the same way my father announced "It's my house and my way or the highway".
My point...I do have one...wait for it...here it comes finally...IF we continue to respect someone who has broken our trust, we get very messed up indeed.
I can remember actual scenarios in which I knew he was bold-faced lying to me, and I would sit there dumb-struck like a deer in headlights because I couldn't believe both could be true simultaneously--and doubt myself because I respected him, even when the truth was plain as day.
I have to think on this one a lot more, I'm onto something big in understanding myself and what happened.
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Old 12-17-2012, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Fathom View Post
I'm trying to decide which my XAH lost first - my trust or my respect. I suspect it was my respect because I can pinpoint an exact moment when my trust was shattered, but I had known he was dingy in the head for a while before then. The question for myself then becomes... Why would I trust someone I don't respect? And, for that matter, why might I respect someone I don't trust?

...pondering...
Fathom
Hmmm, I struggle with the same thing. I started losing respect for him when it was clear he was choosing a path that was destructive for him and for us. I lost trust in him when the lies, denial, blame shifting, and other crazy stuff started.
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:32 PM
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My therapist also told me that "it's not about trusting them, it's about trusting yourself." It took me quite a while to figure that one out. Sorry that's probably not much help with the writing assignment, but it is a major step toward recovery.

L
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Old 12-17-2012, 08:30 PM
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Trust, LOL!

Reading this thread just reminded me of the time XAH went grocery shopping and came home drunk 4 hours later. He swore black and blue that he was in the grocery store for 3 hours and the bar for only 1 hour. He was in the grocery store for 3 hours because it was packed full of shoppers, there were only two people on the cash registers and the staff had moved the stock around and he couldn't find anything. OK riiight...

I suggested that if he were wandering the aisles of the grocery store as drunk as he was for 3 hours security would have thrown him out as it would be very strange for the store to have a really drunk man lumbering and lurching up and down the aisles looking for stuff he couldn't find. So then I copped the "Why don't you BELIEVE me? I AM NOT lying!" [email protected]

Oh yeah, every time he ever got caught in a lie it was my fault. I made him lie. He had to lie because if he told the truth I would be mad with him. ARGH! I was mad because I KNEW he spent $400 on phone sex hookers/drugs/whatever and tried to make up stories about how it was an error by the phone company/not his drugs/ etc.

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