lookmahnohands

Greetings all. I'm hoping I'm posting this in the right section.

First of all I'd like to say when I first ran into a problem with my alcoholic I started browsing these forums and it helped me tremendously so I thank you all for contributing your knowledge.

This is kind of a long story I'll try to make it clear as possible. This all happened in September FYI.

The first day I met this girl I was awe struck by her. She was accompinied to a festival by a mutual friend, a festival mainly centered around drinking. The day I met her was the day that she relapsed ( I found this out later on down the road). I hit it off great with her and got her number.

I called her up a few days later and we eventually started dating. I was a very positive person in her life, as I have a drink very seldomly. While we were dating she had been sober which was roughly 3 months. The way she handled her time was mainly watching movies at her parents house. I broke her out of her shell while we were dating I would take her canoeing to enjoy the finer things in life like the outdoors. I do fairly well in social situations so I was confident when I brought her around my friends, no drinking involved.

Heres where it starts to get tricky. I leave for the Army in January. We talked about it and what would happen, we would stay together and to show commitment I would get her a ring.

To celebrate her being 3 months sober we decided to get a hotel where we could swim and enjoy eachother company. Stupid me decided okay, that sounds like a good idea. I'm sure you can guess by now that she relapsed that night. She hid a bottle of vodka in the toilet reservoir. The whole night she would send me on little tasks; ie: Grab some water from the lobby, get some snacks, check out the pool. While I was doing these little chores she was in the room drinking. I could tell something was up I looked all over the room but did not find a bottle so I did not confront her.

In the morning is when I found the bottle. I confronted her and at first she was speechless. I did not yell and I kept cool and told her I would work through it with her. It was like something was re wired and it wasnt her anymore, she called her ex boyfriend (whom she met in AA) had him come pick her up. Exact words- "Come pick me up, bring alcohol and I will give you sex whenever you want". Sure enough he came and got her.

She binged for a few weeks while I was devestated. Her life litterally spiraled away and I felt powerless. I wont explain the next sequence of events but I will say this- she hit rock bottom.

She is now away and has been 60 days sober in an all girls facility. I love her tremendously and would like a life with her. I've been giving her support I dont push any issues with her and I send her mail and care packages quite frequently.

I talked to her on the phone and she told me that wherever I end up in the Army she would like to come along with me and be with me. Before this happens she would have to go back to her home town to gather her belongings. She still has ties to her ex boyfriend that I'm a little concerned with in the time frame that shes there. I explained to her that in the beginning while I'm still in training it will be hard to give her my undivided attention but she will be busy with furnishing an apartment and settling in.

I'm just looking for some thoughts or opinions? Thanks for reading.

BoxinRotz

Do you really want this life for yourself? You've only known her for 3-4 months and she's hiding vodka in the toilet and calling her ex for more alcohol and giving up the goods for it. How many red flags do you need?

Life with an alcoholic is not fun. You do not have to go down this road. I can not imagine her, knowing what I know, sitting in a house on base playing Susie Home Maker and doing it sober! What I do imagine is her being bored out of her mind, with a bottle of vodka and a guy on your couch.

Man, I hope I'm way off here but you should really think twice about this before you jump head first into an empty pool.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. This is a wonderful place of support and information.

Your friend has 60 days sobriety in a controlled environment. What happens when she get released and has to face life on life's terms? What will be the source of support for her continued sobriety?

Are you prepared to watch another relapse and disappearance? I ask that because past behaviors with addicts are good indicators of future behavior.
After some solid time in recovery, she will have learned more skills for dealing with life without running back to the bottle.

You don't have to answer the questions publicly. I asked the questions to give you some areas of thought for what your future may hold with a newly sober alcoholic.

lookmahnohands

Great information from both of you!

I'm new to all this so I don't get all of the angles that I can look at this from. I think you hit the nail on the head saying she has been 60 days sober in a controlled environment, after that...then what?

I most certainly don't want that life. I couldnt believe that I got suckered. My gut feeling is telling me this is a bad idea.

She has her heart set on coming and living near me, I'd like to not upset her while she's trying to recover. What can I say to her?

BoxinRotz

Tell her the truth! That you thought it over and you've changed your mind. If she can't handle that, then what can she handle in the real world?! Will she be mad? Probably.

When my husband is drunk, he will:

Lie
spend money we don't have on more vodka
yell at me to FAWK OFF
drive drunk for more vodka
ride his bike drunk
put himself, me and others in danger driving drunk
go to work drunk
come home and drink
lie some more
ignore me
ignore the house
ignore the dogs
call off work
lie some more
argue
pass out
tries to have drunk sex
denies a problem
yells some more
over and over and over again.

Do your really want that?

lookmahnohands

Currently I'm at the point where I have emotionally detatched myself (thank god). It took awhile. I really just want the best for her, I almost just want to observe from the sidelines.

There are so many questions that I have. Do you think its possible that me telling the truth about me not wanting her to move could be a driving force in her recovery?

Not sure if I will get to talk to her on the phone before I leave but I was thinking about a letter, something to this extent.

" I toyed with the idea of telling you this but if theres anything that life has taught me is that honesty and integrity get you further than deceit. Depending on how you read this it may come off as rude I promise you its everything but that. I have had many let downs and disappointments in my life, all which have shaped the person I am today. The person I am today is bold and strong, surely not afraid of anything that has yet to come. However I also have to set certain boundaries in my life. On the phone you stepped over the boundary saying you were going to have a talk with **** before venturing out my way to live out a fulfilling life with me. History has a way of repeating itself and I have to stay strong and look at only your actions not your words. I will always be apart of your life encouraging you. I just refuse to be hurt again."

BlueSkies1

Write that letter to her, but give it more gusto. Let her really have it! Release your anger and every other emotion. Then... burn it.

I would keep the actual letter to her simple. Dear _____, I know you are finding your path to recovery. During that time, I think you should live in a sober and safe place. My base will not provide that, and I won't be around hardly at all. Therefore I suggest you find a place near by ____ where you live now, and a strong support group to help you work your program. We'll keep in touch...

or something along those lines. Usually venting our hurt emotions to a person in early recovery doesn't do anybody any good.

The reason I suggest that that you keep in touch, but keep that distance you were speaking of, is to not only protect yourself, but too see who she is when she has significant sobertime under her. People change in all kinds of ways, many that surprise us, if they are going to change at all....

Then again...the choice is yours to write what you wish.

PohsFriend

Welcome aboard brother... Sucks that you looked for us but glad that you found us.

Toilet huh? Good one. On my honeymoon I found the vodka in a water bottle in her suitcase, she'd been sober 9 months and pregnant 7.... You kept your head better than I did and she did not call her ex... Good thing since I would look crappy in an orange jumpsuit.

If I were in your shoes and lol, sounds like they might fit me, I would either walk away else I would go realllllly slow. Knowing what I know now I would not date a recovering alcoholic unless two things were true:
1. She's as awesome as my wife
2. She'd been sober for a year.

You wouldn't be here if you were planning to walk away so I will just say go slow. Moving in together, leaving her alone at you place if you have to deploy? Not smart. You are starting a career and need to focus. You cannot manage jack **** if an actively drinking alcoholic is managing your home - pure chaos and drama. If she is willing to go slow that's great, if it has to be RIGHT NOW that is a red flag. Impulsive behavior not good.

Sorry to ask you this but you should ask yourself this.... What other options does she have? If the addict voice is shouting in her ear then a reliable, solid guy who can provide for her needs AND not be around enough to keep an eye on her? Perfect - she can drink in peace and not worry.

She's ready when she shows that she can get by without you, not when she needs you to take of her, that is not being harsh... That's good for her. Your first six months you will be slammed... Great time for her to get a job and work recovery.

Call me if the ex bf comes by with a bottle, friends help you move, real friends help you move enabling addict ex bf's and thinking up alibis.

Thank you for your service

PohsFriend

Ps - listen to your gut, it doesn't have the emotional or hormonal weaknesses of your two brains :-)

BoxinRotz

PohsFriend, AH does the vodka in water bottle BS too! I swear, I smell water bottles n people must think I'm crazy when I do it! :crazy

lookmahnohands, My husband lived 20 years sober and he gave it all up. He thought, after 20 years, that he could have a drink and the truth is... he can NOT have one sip! This is a life long disease. She can wrap her head around it and work it all day every day but it's always going to be there.

lookmahnohands

I think I will limit the emotions put into the letter. I figure now she's in a safe place to hear news like that.

Heh, I remember checking the water bottle by sniffing it. This is the first time I've ever been introduced into the world of alcoholism. I can remember the whole incident very vividly, I uncapped the bottle my nose was practically in the bottle I took a huge wiff and remember asking myself "what does alcohol even smell like".

I've came along way since then, thanks to this forum. At the time I was living alone I used to go into the bathtub and just lay there wondering what I did. Now, I put myself first in everything that I do.

I seen your post on a different thread I'm glad that you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with your wife. I bet that's a sigh of relief. How do you know when to fully drop your barrier?

lookmahnohands

Sorry rotz, I can tell from the way you speak its very frustrating. I promise you that your words are not falling on deaf ears. I'm trying to gather my composer and hit the road. The hardest part is having unanswered questions.

BoxinRotz

Walk away from those unanswered questions. If you want to learn about alcoholism, read the site and the stories. You will find that you made the right choice for you.

FeelingGreat

Hi, sorry you are in this position but you seem to have enough common sense to pull back from the brink. Apart from the drinking angle which has been covered brilliantly by the other responders, the red flag for me would be offering herself in return for alcohol, and continuing to communicate with the piece of **** who agreed to this bargain.
Addiction is one thing but this is something else entirely.

PohsFriend

Lol - how do we know when to drop the barrier? Simple - as soon as one of us dies.

We've had some huge breakthrough recently, biggest one being that there's no accusation from me or defensiveness from her. We are a little different than some. When she got pregnant I had to do some serious soul searching and it was pretty clear to me - being a dad is the one thing in my life I feel like I have done as close to perfectly as I could and my daughter will go to college in a year and we are close friends, she's great and I knew I could not do anything but give 100% to him. His BEST chance is if he has two loving parents who love each other. So I went into my marriage with us agreeing that for my wife it was recovery and us or alcohol and I won't say we haven't had struggles and I expect we will have more in the future but I am no longer paralyzed by that fear.
My wife is the first alcoholic I've ever known up close and the disease scares me. She is also te kindest, most loving and sweetest person I know. I've been with sober women who were no picnic... I guess I'm saying that Things are good now, wife is working on recovery and it's forced me to do some recovering of my own and maybe we are both in the healthiest relationship we've ever had because we work at it and our son who has me up at this hour is freaking awesome.

So we are going a day at a time, turning toward each other rather than on each other and we are happy. Could she have a relapse from hell that wrecks it? Sure... And the Mayans might be right and we are all screwed next week. My attitude toward each is the same - I can't waste me life worrying about **** that may never happen. I have the best plan I can and live. Cancer taught me that - I'm not supposed to be around, my son was not supposed to be here and wife and I were never supposed to fall in love if the docs had been right 5 years ago. Turns out cancer is a little bitch despite the scary rep...

Live in the present, let go of the past and prepare for the future as best you can and be happy. That's simple, not easy, but if I'm happy with progress rather than perfection I'm good. Watching 'White Christmas', little guy is snuggled next to me watching for first time and gorgeous loving wife is on the other side, sober, happy....

My life is a cake walk. One look at the Newton Ct headlines and I thank GOD that these two are safe and sound and with me. I have no problems and small worries

m1k3

Welcome to SR, I agree with what the others have said and would like to add a little something more from a completely different point of view.

I servedin the US Marine Corps and I can tell you that for the first year or so you will not have time for a girl friend or be leading a stable enough life style. In my 2+ years in the Corps I was stationed in 4 different states and Japan. As an I married enlisted man I was not authorized off base housing nor was I eligible for on base housing which was limited to those who were married and because of the limited amount of housing was based one rank and time of service. I would not haved received moving expenses for a wife let alone a girl friend.

My job was 24/7. You often had night and weekend duty assignments and unplanned drills. I had married friends and could see this was very hard on their spouses even when they had permission to bring their spouse with them. Oh yeah, you need permission to do stuff like that. In your early training you would have zero time for her and would not even be allowed to leave the base.

To me bringing a GF would be very difficult without her being in early recovery.

Military life is completely different than civilian life and you will need time to focus on you adapting to this new life and culture.

If you are committed to this relationship I would not recommend bringing her until you get your first permanent duty assignment and that could take over a year until you complete all your initial training.

Good luck in the Army.

Your friend,

fluffyflea

Run run run

BrokenHeartWife

You sound like a very nice and caring person. Many nice and non-alcoholic women would love to be with you. Why choose someone who is so permanently damaged?

(Think about it...if you want children and/or a long life with someone, why choose HER?)

lookmahnohands

I didn't want to be that person that got advice and just moved on without giving thanks.

It's been a little over a year and thought I'd share the latest on my end. I am just now finally getting situated here in the lovely state of North Carolina. To date I have jumped out of 10 airplanes and ran nearly 1300 miles! I made the right decision to join the military as it keeps me busy and barely any time to think for myself. I also made the right decision contacting you guys for support and knowledge.

When I shipped off for basic the woman that I had written about previously followed me and the plan was for her to keep following me until I ended up here in North Carolina. Didn't take long for her to slip once she gotten to the good ol' military town of Lawton. I lost track of her in her drunken haze and the mess she was making while I was in training and could not actively keep contact with her. I moved on to airborne school in GA and then finally to Bragg where she resurfaced in my life and started calling me.

I guess a lot has gone on in her life that I have missed and I feel nothing but sorrow for her. I don't want to bore you with the details but I'm sure most of you can guess it wasn't good. I will call her every once in awhile and try to make contact just to see what she's up to and hopefully give her enough light to pull through.

Just giving my thanks to you guys because you restarted that light at the end of the tunnel that I was able to see and let her go. I'm doing really good now meeting a lot of different people and traveling to awesome places.

Best Wishes,
Joe

hopeful4

Joe, you sound like a great person. Thank you for all you do for our country and for the update. Glad you are in a good place in your life!

Stay safe!