The pressure to pretend
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The pressure to pretend
Well, he's here. My STBXAH that I hoped would check into rehab and leave us in peace for the holidays.
He has to go and check in with the police. He can't stay in our/my apartment. I don't ever want to see him again, but while he is visiting, for 4 weeks? He won't specify - the children and he all put enormous pressure on me to pretend that everything is normal.
This is madness! 2 months ago he scared the daylights out of me and I know all the lies he is telling about me to hide the truth of what he has become, plus he appears to be having - another - affair.
But then we do these family activites during his visits (I am there for now to keep the children safe) and I see what a witch I must look like with my closed angry face and what's the alternative? Pretend everything is normal.
Grrrr. But I think I come off in a better position if I can stay detached and pleasant.
Plus, I look prettier that way.
He has to go and check in with the police. He can't stay in our/my apartment. I don't ever want to see him again, but while he is visiting, for 4 weeks? He won't specify - the children and he all put enormous pressure on me to pretend that everything is normal.
This is madness! 2 months ago he scared the daylights out of me and I know all the lies he is telling about me to hide the truth of what he has become, plus he appears to be having - another - affair.
But then we do these family activites during his visits (I am there for now to keep the children safe) and I see what a witch I must look like with my closed angry face and what's the alternative? Pretend everything is normal.
Grrrr. But I think I come off in a better position if I can stay detached and pleasant.
Plus, I look prettier that way.
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I don't envy you. I spent many holidays doing that pretending.
The good thing about it is that you know you're pretending. You're not doing it anymore, you're just pretending.
I'm still worried about you. That man is a loose cannon. Stay safe.
The good thing about it is that you know you're pretending. You're not doing it anymore, you're just pretending.
I'm still worried about you. That man is a loose cannon. Stay safe.
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Thanks Lillamy!
He REALLY wants me to pretend. And I REALLY do not want to. I have done enough of that for one lifetime. He desperately wants me to help him keep up the pretense so people will continue to think he is so wonderful. So he is panicking about losing control over me.
The good news is that I am facing my fears and I feel pretty strong again.
The bad news is I feel every situation where the pressure is on me to return his hug (I didn't), wear the new ring (haven't), or chat pleasantly with him over lunch (how can Avoid that when the children are watching?)
I feel like he is disrespecting and manipulating me.
I am sorry you've been through it Lillamy
He REALLY wants me to pretend. And I REALLY do not want to. I have done enough of that for one lifetime. He desperately wants me to help him keep up the pretense so people will continue to think he is so wonderful. So he is panicking about losing control over me.
The good news is that I am facing my fears and I feel pretty strong again.
The bad news is I feel every situation where the pressure is on me to return his hug (I didn't), wear the new ring (haven't), or chat pleasantly with him over lunch (how can Avoid that when the children are watching?)
I feel like he is disrespecting and manipulating me.
I am sorry you've been through it Lillamy
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Try your best to focus on the kids. It's amazing how they can fill your heart with joy and forget the 800 pound gorasshole in the room.
We all deal with aholes differently.... My tactic used to be to battle with them but I've found that life is more pleasant when I keep the barbs in my head - let them wonder why you are lookingat them, seemingly unaffected but with a contented smile.
Here's an example - I thought this one over while debating whether to respond to an absurdly incompetent bully....
"I wonder if Viagra would just make you taller?"
"hmmm... I've been gaining some weight but that's ok, I can diet, you'll still be a dumbass"
He can't ruin your day if you refuse to allow it. Do you know the name of the current fling? Change a friends name to hers in your contact list, then start texting back and forth.... Leave your LOCKED phone out where he can see it so her name pops up ...just be sure auto preview is off... He will excuse himself to go call her and fight with her while she swears she is NOT texting you... Gets him out of your hair and gives you an hour of laughter.
Yeah, This is a little mean but screw it, maturity. And dignity are fie but sometimes getting in touch with our inner smartass is fun.
Don't go Overboard - letting that friend in on it, leaving auto preview on and having friend text "should I tell him I'm pregnant" while you are in the restroom but your phone is ext to him would be a very cruel joke. I would NEVER do such a thing.
Maybe let him be uncomfortable instead of you...
Wow, I do have a nasty streak, need to go think kind thoughts
You get the idea.
We all deal with aholes differently.... My tactic used to be to battle with them but I've found that life is more pleasant when I keep the barbs in my head - let them wonder why you are lookingat them, seemingly unaffected but with a contented smile.
Here's an example - I thought this one over while debating whether to respond to an absurdly incompetent bully....
"I wonder if Viagra would just make you taller?"
"hmmm... I've been gaining some weight but that's ok, I can diet, you'll still be a dumbass"
He can't ruin your day if you refuse to allow it. Do you know the name of the current fling? Change a friends name to hers in your contact list, then start texting back and forth.... Leave your LOCKED phone out where he can see it so her name pops up ...just be sure auto preview is off... He will excuse himself to go call her and fight with her while she swears she is NOT texting you... Gets him out of your hair and gives you an hour of laughter.
Yeah, This is a little mean but screw it, maturity. And dignity are fie but sometimes getting in touch with our inner smartass is fun.
Don't go Overboard - letting that friend in on it, leaving auto preview on and having friend text "should I tell him I'm pregnant" while you are in the restroom but your phone is ext to him would be a very cruel joke. I would NEVER do such a thing.
Maybe let him be uncomfortable instead of you...
Wow, I do have a nasty streak, need to go think kind thoughts
You get the idea.
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Poh, I have a toothache and am trying to keep my mouth closed to air..but you just made me lose it!!!
That was so funny, I am not mad that it hurt!
pippi, I thought I had mostly forgotten that bs from the past..but the description of sharing a meal, kids and making believe all is normal took me right back there.
I remember some touch and go moments when I stood up told the kids "THIS is not normal" (his kids on weekend visits)...and would clearly explain the difference.
He acted like I was the one making the disturbance..but I don't believe the kids really entirely saw it that way and I think I would do it again. I think I would do it more often.
Course, depends how old your kids are.
That was so funny, I am not mad that it hurt!
pippi, I thought I had mostly forgotten that bs from the past..but the description of sharing a meal, kids and making believe all is normal took me right back there.
I remember some touch and go moments when I stood up told the kids "THIS is not normal" (his kids on weekend visits)...and would clearly explain the difference.
He acted like I was the one making the disturbance..but I don't believe the kids really entirely saw it that way and I think I would do it again. I think I would do it more often.
Course, depends how old your kids are.
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I really like your mean streak Pohs...I have one myself so I really appreciate someone else who likes theirs...even if certain others don't!
Pippi--can't you say "not the house" and make him spend time with the kids at a safe place like restaurants, shopping malls, etc. ? Couldn't you wander off to other places in the mall and do your own thing? You've probably dismissed those ideas for a reason already, but just checking.
Pippi--can't you say "not the house" and make him spend time with the kids at a safe place like restaurants, shopping malls, etc. ? Couldn't you wander off to other places in the mall and do your own thing? You've probably dismissed those ideas for a reason already, but just checking.
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Here's the latest: Day 2 of AH's visit. He meets us at last minute at church. Our children angels and shepherds in church pageant. Then the minister is, like, talking straight to my heart about sinners and justice and mercy and in 2 secs me, usually The one who might get angry but never can do the thing that I want which is cry, the tears start rolling down. AH is hearing the sermon, he is sitting next to me and I think feels for a few moments the truth with my sorrow at his side and check it out: we are NOT pretending!!! He reaches over several times to put his hand on mine gently and I gently immediately pull away.
Then there is the pause to greet a neighbor and I run into the ladies room and have a good delicious cry in the ladies room - feels lovely!!! Until I realize that I had left my phone under the seat so run back in to make sure it's ok. My bag was not in the same spot but got phone on high security. Whew.
Next time I leave there is going to be a text message from the girlfriend whose name I do know saying "he still doesn't know that you know?! Wait til I tell you the latest" or something along those lines. Thank you, SR friend!
I definitely think we need a thread titled something like "Ways to Outsmart your Alcoholic and Not Play the Victim". If what I write here couldn't get me in trouble I would have an item for that list for sure!
Thanks for being there everyone! You make the sun shine through on even the darkest of days!
Then there is the pause to greet a neighbor and I run into the ladies room and have a good delicious cry in the ladies room - feels lovely!!! Until I realize that I had left my phone under the seat so run back in to make sure it's ok. My bag was not in the same spot but got phone on high security. Whew.
Next time I leave there is going to be a text message from the girlfriend whose name I do know
saying "he still doesn't know that you know?! Wait til I tell you the latest" or something along those lines. Thank you, SR friend! I definitely think we need a thread titled something like "Ways to Outsmart your Alcoholic and Not Play the Victim". If what I write here couldn't get me in trouble I would have an item for that list for sure!
Thanks for being there everyone! You make the sun shine through on even the darkest of days!
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Hi Pipi -
I used to play the game of "ways of out smarting the addict." It was fun for a while but what I learned was - it just kept me in the "sickness."
Although it can be funny and a stress reliever to think up things, putting them into action kept me from my real focus...ME!! I had still had to be smart about a few things, almost business like...putting my best interests first but I really had to stop the game playing and that wasn't easy. I had no idea what a "thrill" I got out of the drama I created.
Just my experience.
I used to play the game of "ways of out smarting the addict." It was fun for a while but what I learned was - it just kept me in the "sickness."
Although it can be funny and a stress reliever to think up things, putting them into action kept me from my real focus...ME!! I had still had to be smart about a few things, almost business like...putting my best interests first but I really had to stop the game playing and that wasn't easy. I had no idea what a "thrill" I got out of the drama I created.
Just my experience.
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Good for you pip!
I'm so relieved that I watered that down from "pregnant and HIV positive" otherwise I'd feel guilty for inciting torture.
...it's not the alcoholic stuff here that bugs me, it is the deception and asking you to provide camouflage for him so he can hide reality and maintain the appearance of being the good family man.
He wants you to go to church? Great - on the way out go by and chat with the pastor, let the kids go ahead and ask the pastor to pray that he will stop drinking and stop lying to his wife, kids and (mistress name) and man up.... Just remember that he told you to pretend all is well - as you walk away with your head high be sure to look over your shoulder and say "merry Christmas honey" while he and the pastor share that nice comfortable silence.
Sorry all - think that stuff in CT popped a couple of screws loose an I'm ferociously protective of kids and family this weekend. Ooops
I'm so relieved that I watered that down from "pregnant and HIV positive" otherwise I'd feel guilty for inciting torture.
...it's not the alcoholic stuff here that bugs me, it is the deception and asking you to provide camouflage for him so he can hide reality and maintain the appearance of being the good family man.
He wants you to go to church? Great - on the way out go by and chat with the pastor, let the kids go ahead and ask the pastor to pray that he will stop drinking and stop lying to his wife, kids and (mistress name) and man up.... Just remember that he told you to pretend all is well - as you walk away with your head high be sure to look over your shoulder and say "merry Christmas honey" while he and the pastor share that nice comfortable silence.
Sorry all - think that stuff in CT popped a couple of screws loose an I'm ferociously protective of kids and family this weekend. Ooops
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I think the mature and healthy thing is just not to assist in hiding a self destructive fantasy world. Can't see him getting any better until his double life is laid bare and he can't ******** himself or anyone else.
That's what I meant, the nasty streak got away from me.
That's what I meant, the nasty streak got away from me.
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How about, " i'm pregnant, HIV positive and I finally had to tell our (mutual) boss the truth about our relationship"?!
I do think it's okay to laugh wickedly every now and again. It's no fair if the alcoholics and drug addicts get to have all the fun.
Before my AH came along I got to go out and have fun with friends, party on occasion, laugh my head off, have great sex...Seems like recovery in Al Anon requires being a good girl more than ever. I have found God, and my friendship life is much deeper than before. But I miss being naughty, just a little bit, on occasion.
Just when I was telling my girlfriend here about one of my crushes and what I intend to do once I am free from AH, you lovely people are reminding me to behave myself and not play games - even if I get to win one or two - with him.
I welcome your words of wisdom, honestly. But.
Pippi Longstocking played with all the grown ups and threw big mean men up in the air so that everyone laughed. She didn't do it out of meanness. She just was strong and free.
I do think it's okay to laugh wickedly every now and again. It's no fair if the alcoholics and drug addicts get to have all the fun.
Before my AH came along I got to go out and have fun with friends, party on occasion, laugh my head off, have great sex...Seems like recovery in Al Anon requires being a good girl more than ever. I have found God, and my friendship life is much deeper than before. But I miss being naughty, just a little bit, on occasion.
Just when I was telling my girlfriend here about one of my crushes and what I intend to do once I am free from AH, you lovely people are reminding me to behave myself and not play games - even if I get to win one or two - with him.
I welcome your words of wisdom, honestly. But.
Pippi Longstocking played with all the grown ups and threw big mean men up in the air so that everyone laughed. She didn't do it out of meanness. She just was strong and free.
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My ex accused me of doing something, very mean by the way, that he does, he always accused me of doing things out of spite, not my style.
But in the moment, all I thought to say was, well, I learned from the master.
He went nuts, and I stood there and laughed.
It got stupid in the end.
But in the moment, all I thought to say was, well, I learned from the master.
He went nuts, and I stood there and laughed.
It got stupid in the end.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
I don't envy you. I spent many holidays doing that pretending.
The good thing about it is that you know you're pretending. You're not doing it anymore, you're just pretending.
I'm still worried about you. That man is a loose cannon. Stay safe.
The good thing about it is that you know you're pretending. You're not doing it anymore, you're just pretending.
I'm still worried about you. That man is a loose cannon. Stay safe.
So, as Poh said, try to just focus on the kids. Go out driving neighborhoods with good christmas lights and maybe take along some hot chocolate. Find somewhere where people are doing Christmas caroling or go visit Santa. Whatever your kids enjoy. This is how I get through my holidays, even if my AH doesn't want to go along.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Pippi,
Just some lessons learned from my experiences. I am not sure how old your kids are but keeping up the act for their sake is not necessarily the best idea if you are really serious about leaving.
I did this last Christmas, at my STBXAH's insistance. He had them Christmas eve and I went to our family home (his house) for Christmas morning at 6:00am. The kids seemed to have fun but it was an awkward day, full of pretending.
Now I have had my own house for a year and have been moved out of the family home for 15 months. The kids are very clear that I do not want to live with Daddy anymore and we are getting a divorce. But my 5 year old still asked me the other day what time I would be coming to Daddy's for Christmas.....I had already explained the plan but since we did it last year he just could not quite understand why we are not doing it again.
That was painful to see his little face fall. So just know that you may be shielding them for now but these types of charades can come back to you......
4MyBoys
Just some lessons learned from my experiences. I am not sure how old your kids are but keeping up the act for their sake is not necessarily the best idea if you are really serious about leaving.
I did this last Christmas, at my STBXAH's insistance. He had them Christmas eve and I went to our family home (his house) for Christmas morning at 6:00am. The kids seemed to have fun but it was an awkward day, full of pretending.
Now I have had my own house for a year and have been moved out of the family home for 15 months. The kids are very clear that I do not want to live with Daddy anymore and we are getting a divorce. But my 5 year old still asked me the other day what time I would be coming to Daddy's for Christmas.....I had already explained the plan but since we did it last year he just could not quite understand why we are not doing it again.
That was painful to see his little face fall. So just know that you may be shielding them for now but these types of charades can come back to you......
4MyBoys
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