Audrey1

I have posted only once before, so here’s a brief background. Sorry if this post gets a bit long.

My ABF quit drinking over two weeks ago and is now having weekly therapy sessions. His desire to quit only eventuated when I packed up and left him the morning after a particularly bad night. He was passed out downstairs in a complete mess. We have been together for three years after meeting in a foreign country. It was only after we left that country and finally moved in together in his country (which is a heavy-drinking country) that I discovered how bad his drinking really was, and when his problem began to seriously damage our relationship.

He was never physically abusive, but he was emotionally and also sexually abusive when he was drunk. He claims the sexual abuse was sexsomnia, and that he had no recollection of it. This may be the case as he was not his usual self at those times (even though he was drunk), but nonetheless scary for me as he is double my size and not easy to push off.

I know he is finally serious about quitting but time will tell on that one. Christmas and New Year will be a test, especially as his family don’t really think he has a problem. Anyway, the good news is that since he quit, we have finally been able to talk relatively normally about our relationship problems and his drinking, without me being afraid to bring things up, or him trying (as much as before anyway) to manipulate the conversation, which usually ended up with me backing down. These are huge improvements and I have since decided to move back in.

However, I am struggling with many things. First, he does not believe the two forms of abuse I have suffered are in any way equivalent to physical abuse. It is because of this, and the fact he is finally getting help, that he seems to think his new sobriety and my moving back in is the same as everything being okay with us again. He tends to like to ignore problems and even told me last night he is “trying hard to forget” all the bad things he did while he was drunk because he gets upset thinking about them, and is starting to get angry with me for not being able to just let all that go. As you probably all know, broken promise after broken promise makes it difficult to assume things will be peachy all of a sudden. Moreover, the memories of all the bad nights don’t just go away either.

He is now saying that he doesn’t really understand why I ended up leaving him that night, as we had been “so happy and in love” up until that point. He might have been, but I certainly wasn’t. It’s hard to be happy when you are always on edge. He denies I was like this. I explained to him that I have been deeply hurt by all that has happened and moved back on the proviso that I would receive some support from him also, but it seems I am stuck supporting him through his sobriety and expected to just be fine with everything. This is particularly upsetting for me because I am quite young and spent several years of my life in my last relationship looking after my partner through cancer until his death. I also had no support in that situation. Being in a non-English speaking country I will not find an Al-Anon group here so I am very isolated.

ABF is in a bad mood a lot of the time and short-tempered. Many things make him angry now, such as his friends, who he believes don’t care about him anymore, to cash machines that don’t work, other drivers…
I guess I have many questions. I realise these depend on the person, but I am interested to hear about other people’s experiences.

First, what can I expect from him now that he has quit? I can understand the quick temper, but is he likely to realise how much this has damaged me and our relationship at some stage, and begin to put me first every now and then? I am really tired of being the supporter and never the supported.

Secondly, I realise alcoholism is an addiction, but he keeps using this term as though it is an excuse for his behaviour, almost to the point where he acknowledges he did some awful things, but still tries to wash his hands of it. As I am pretty sick of the excuses this makes me angry because he acts like it was someone else, not him, who did these things. Thoughts?

Third, I’m not sure of the physical, mental, and emotion symptoms of withdrawal. I have read a bit about it, but at the moment he is sleeping a lot, not working, depressed, and talking quite a bit of nonsense. He has always depended on me for a lot, but it is almost like he has even dumbed down since quitting, which is the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. I have to be eternally vigilant 24/7 in order to make sure everything gets done that needs to, which is particularly difficult as I am a foreigner in this country. Is this tiredness, lack of motivation, depression, and vagueness normal? If so, does it ever pass?!

I’m really unsure how much leeway I am supposed to give him to get his life back in order, to get out of bed at a reasonable time and to look for work? To treat me to something once in a while? To develop self-confidence and motivation? He says I am a stubborn person and completely inflexible. I would think the fact that I have come back to him after everything that’s happened is pretty solid evidence of my flexibility.

I am interested in hearing from both recovering alcoholics and their partners on this.

Florence

Yuck, this was a big part of my confusion during the early days. There is consensus that people in early recovery are pretty foggy for the first year or so. While I wouldn't discount what he ha to say, I wouldn't sink all my stock into it either. It's really important that you have space for you if you want to stick it out through recovery. I don't have a good Al-Anon network in town, so I do therapy and read SR daily. I also do most of the recommended Al-Anon readings -- they help with the serenity quotient.

I didn't bother with trying to do joint therapy. Another consensus is that we should avoid the subject of marital or couples counseling until the addict has been *in recovery* for about a year. This means working a program. For a year.

Ultimately it proved too difficult for my AH. He lasted about ten months that I know of before he fell off the wagon again. He didn't work a strong program, and it was too stressful for me. Also, I still, despite my best efforts, have expectations around his ability to validate my feelings that probably aren't realistic. When I want to turn to him for comfort or understanding, I have to remind myself that that well is dry. Indefinitely, unfortunately.

Others here saw the writing on the wall long before I did. Remember that a lot of folks don't have the luxury of finding themselves while someone else pays the bills. For example, my AH refused to get a job altogether, then refused to get a job that used his skills and paid what he was worth. There were a lot of reasons. He was scared. He was depressed. He was looking for something really good. But lo and behold, after his latest relapse, when I asked him to go and finally changed the locks of the doors, he went out and got himself a nice job making even more than me. Like, within a couple of weeks.

I'd battled in that war for a year or more.

The lesson there, I suppose, is how our mere presence becomes a barrier to their recovery sometimes. In our case, anyway, I can't see us getting back together without the passive-aggressive codependent stuff continuing unabated.

Loopydays

Hi- I am a spouse of a recovering alcoholic- he has been in recovery for 8 months now- and to be honest I feel that he is only making 'sense' in the past couple of weeks.
There are a lot of withdrawal symptons, everybody is different- and so my only advice is to read as much as possible. It did not excuse his behaviour but at least I had some understanding of why he was beaving as he did. FYI he still has not apologised for his previous behaviour, still tries to forget his past- realises he has damaged me in the past, but cannot discuss it at all- but his sleeping, depression and vagueness is lifting-
some say it takes anything from 1-3 years for the toxins to leave the body, and for the brain to clear. Patience is called for-
Any of Toby Rice Drews Getting Them Sober series are good to read, as is
Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham- and also
Addictive Thinking by Abraham Twerski and-
Why Don't they just Quit? by Joe Herzanek

Also I would strongly recommend trying out Al Anon- it is not a manual for helping the alcoholic, but instead it helps those living with Alcoholism to deal with our problems, thoughts and mindsets. It is recommended to try at least 6, if you can- it is worth it- you will meet people who have experienced all that you have, and so will give you unjudgemenatl support.

Wishing you the best on your journey..

Audrey1

Thanks, Loopydays, but I am unlikely to find an Al-Anon group here. I live in a small village in a non-English speaking country, so I'm definitely alone in this.

It's good to read both of these posts, and hear about your opinions and personal experiences. It's good to know the vagueness etc are only temporary.

But, to be honest, I'm really tired. I've had the responsibility of the health and wellbeing of two partners in a row on my shoulders, and really wonder if this is just my lot in life.

To give you an idea of the lack of support, ABF's brother literally just sent him a Facebook message containing a joke about a man who defied his wife's pleas for him to have just a couple of drinks. And this was from the good brother! The other is a far worse alcoholic than my partner, and eggs ABF on to drink all the time. ABF was annoyed I didn't find the joke amusing. The joke was not only yet a crack at me, as if I nagged my partner into quitting, but worse still, it is an indication that his family don't even support him (or me) in his decision to quit.

Feeling pretty low.

thislonelygirl

I just wanted to say that itll take time. This isnt going to heal overnight not for you and not for him.
This is a long long road of recovery. Know this.
Second sometimes people and more so addicts because I believe every addict is abusive even if it doesnt seem so (being gone...worry. stress financial etc) but they tend to downplay abuse in any form because it wasnt physical or it wasnt their idea of physical....this is another long road.
He will be on this jouneu for awhile before you see real improvement or he may never be. Take care of yoyrself. Best wishes

mdkathy62

Good afternoon Audrey1,

Thank you for sharing. Your post reminds me so much of where I was not too long ago. In my experience, the first many months of being with a newly sober partner is very difficult. I lived with my XABF as well during his 6 month sobriety period. Initially, there is, I think in AA they referred to it as a pink cloud, where he was very motivated, happy, excited, we were able to talk about things, then suddenly things changed. He was very temperamental and little things (to me anyway) could send him into days of ignoring me and being depressed. He too often said he wished the past would disappear because he was ashamed of everything he had done. I got to a point where I had to basically never bring up the past again and "get over it" because if I tried to voice how the past made me insecure and distrust him then he would get very upset.

I heard in AA that a recovering alcoholic is just as difficult to be with as an active alcoholic because now they have to face and own up to all the things they did while they were drunk. In the past, the alcohol would blur those actions out and help them to escape from reality, but now there is no escape. They have to face what they created and I can imagine that is really difficult. I also cut him a lot of slack. I was told constantly by him that if I did this and that, and then some more that it would help him recover. Unfortunately after 6 months my ex relapsed, but continued to act as if he was sober and was lying to AA, to me, and his family about his sobriety. Took us some time and lots of credit card bills later to figure out that he relapsed. Anyways...

In retrospect, I wish I didn't "cut him slack". I should have treated him like any other adult and held him accountable for his actions because I taught him that once again, he could treat me badly but it was "ok" because he was in AA and trying to be sober. For example, I let him play video games all day, ignore me in the house, not clean, not contribute rent for a month, and I changed a lot of my plans at times to "cut him some slack". I would take him out to nice restaurants, buy him things he wanted, and so forth because I was convinced that if I just ease his stress, it would ease his recover. At the end, I felt extremely manipulated, but that is my problem because I LET it happen. It's hard to say where to draw the line, but all I can say is to continue to focus on you.

I think alcoholics, or at least my ex, really had to learn that there are consequences to his actions and after spending many times rescuing him in his drinking days, it was natural for me to keep that role while he was trying to recover and the excuse was "I was helping him". Consequently, I think I did him a disservice by enabling him so much no matter what the reason was.

Please take care of yourself, try Al-Anon, AA, and keep coming back! I hope your situation ends up better than mine. Take care.

Peacegirl

"However, I am struggling with many things. First, he does not believe the two forms of abuse I have suffered are in any way equivalent to physical abuse."
My AH has made this comment to me in the past as well and wow, it is so not true. How I wished he had only hit me, at least the bruises would go away but the emotional abuse has a way of sticking with you.

In regards to trying to "wash his hands" of his bad behavior, he's likely doing this because he has no idea how to deal with it yet. Maybe he shouldn't be so quick to forget how he hurt others though, these could very well be memories that may keep him sober. In the end, the moodiness and all the traits you mentioned are still what I am dealing with with my RAH and he's been sober for almost 2 months. I hear it will take some time. I am trying to be very patient in the meanwhile.

PohsFriend

Hi Audrey,

In answer to your general question, early recovery is hard. Crankiness and exhaustion are not uncommon.

My wife was that way, she also got pregnant two months in (OK, uhm, that came out wrong - I helped).

I reread your post three times and got a little angrier each time through it. I erased my first response which was something along the lines of "How far is the airport and when does your flight home leave" but that would not be helpful.

Maybe this is better:
1. When a woman tells a man he was too rough or says "Stop, you are hurting me" the appropriate response is horror, shame, remorse and concern for you. "Uh, no I wasn't" is not acceptable. Were a man twice his size to demonstrate the concept using say, a baseball bat, I believe it quite likely that his position on whether or not a consensus was required to determine what 'too rough' means would change - rapidly.

2. Alcoholism and recovery each explain certain behaviors but do not excuse them.

3. Please note, I am an admitted male chauvanist and do not believe in equality of the sexes. Men are supposed to protect and provide and open doors and behave like gentlemen. (easy with the shotgun ladies, I am for equal pay and intellectually I agree with that ill fated decision to let you vote). But seriously, if he is not working and you are taking care of things his ass needs to be out of bed a half hour before you so that he can finish his shower and be busy in the kitchen making your breakfast and clearing the dishes while you get ready, kiss you at the door and then get busy looking for work, doing laundry or otherwise working HARDER than you to pull his weight (twice yours, right?).

For me the minimum standard of what to expect is:
1. Zero Drinking: My wife had one small relapse of a few hours and another of three days in year one and neither was accepted or acceptable. Our deal is that I will live with someone actively working to get well but I will be damned before I spend my energy worrying while someone drinks themselves to death. I kicked her out a year ago, she started AA two days later and only came back with this boundary clearly agreed to.

2. OK, this one I did NOT stick to but I did her no favors by treating her like she ws made of glass. He should pull his own weight - that might not mean he brings in as much money but he damned sure needs to work as hard as you.

3. You deserve to be treated with the same kindness and respect he gets. Verbal abuse is worse than physical in some cases, bruises heal faster than psyches.

I'm too angry about his behavior to be fair here but honestly, I think you should set those expectations and stick to them. He sounds like a bully and a coward and he's dry now (as opposed to sober) so he can't blame alcohol for his behaving like an ass. Recovery is hard - so is life, tell him to wear a cup but he is not to be abusive, he is to pull his weight and you are not his mommy.

If he doesn't like the idea of 50-50 then perhaps he would like to try 100-0 when you get that flight home because if you were not there he would HAVE TO and it's amazing what HAVE TO can do for the willpower sometimes.

Apologies for the thinly concealed rage. My emotional reaction is "Get a dog, a big dog... feed ******* to dog, praise dog, put dog on a plane home with you". Fortunately i am too civilized to express such crude notions ;-)

Loveblossom79

First of all...i'm so sorry to hear about your last boyfriend, watching someone you love pass away and being the care taker of them while it happens are emotionally devestating (I speak from experience). Where did you stay when you left him and before you came back? I would suggest NOT living with this man right now. My ex was early in recovery so I let him move back...it was a disaster of epic and scary proportions when he crashed off his wagon 6 months in.

I found that I really felt better with him not here...peaceful, and I know what to expect. The separation (and the no contact that went with it) forced him to hit his bottom and he's been sober since Nov 7th. I have no intention of him moving back here, maybe ever.

The distance leaves him alot of time to think and i've found him to be rediculously motivated ever since (while he was here and not sober he helped with nothing, complained, faught me and didn't help with the bills). He's now picked up a part time job (to go with the full time one), embraced his old love of martial arts and thrown himself into a faith based recovery (which now includes AA meetings). What he does NOT have is me back...it's a long road for that option, and he has to earn it (and listening to everything he did to me is on the list...he too has mentioned that it is too painful to think of all the horrible things he's done to me, that he needs to forget to recover. I told him, sorry, but I need to deal with what's happened between us so I can begin to recover!).

Abuse in any form is not ok, and your being there doesn't make him face what he's done, because there are NO consequences for it. I've been there...I stayed...my staying didn't help him, it kept him from wanting to stop and it was hell.

Do you have family in another country that you can go stay with? Give yourself some time to heal and be supported? Because you will not get any support from him, not now.

redatlanta

Oh gosh - well.....here is my experience. My AH had been sober 8 years when I met him, we moved in together very quickly. After going through a recent relapse and becoming educated about alcoholism I can tell you I made some HUGE mistakes in our relationship.

AH, in my opinion, never really matured. You hear they stay on the same level of maturity as when they became alcoholic. For mine that would be early 20's, possibly earlier. So when he got sober that is how he dealt with issues - to my chagrin I found that out after we moved in. Difficult, moody, demanding in a childlike way, etc. Some of this was an undiagnosed mental issue which has been very effectively treated but that childishness was still there and I walked on eggshells all the time.

I did everything I could do to make life easy and exhausted myself in the meantime with little results in the behavior changing. Since he relapsed and I got on here and in al anon I don't do that anymore. I say what I feel, I don't care what he thinks, I don't DO everything to make life easy. He has changed. He has grown up. I don't walk on eggshells. He is amazing and I love him and I am so happy life is different, we wouldn't have made it.

In your shoes I would be understanding about the withdrawal, the moodiness, the fog. I advise you though not to lose yourself in trying to make everything easy for him nor to excuse UNACCEPTABLE behavior. Much easier to prevent than to correct.

Praying

These posts have been helpful for me, as I've been struggling to understand my somewhat RAH's behavior. It's been more bizarre as he's been trying to quit and now quitting (4 months without a drink) than it was when he was drinking. He is much more angry, particularly with me, and very, very vague. He decided he needed to move out to "work on himself" and said that I stressed him out (though I've been in recovery for about 6 months, and I've changed my behavior significantly...likely part of the cause of his stress, I guess, since he feels horrible inside). I have no idea where our relationship will end up, and I'm focusing on my life, my healing, and developing my friendships and support right now, while still being loving from afar. (I had no choice in this since he left.) He is not actively working on counseling or a program though, so the booze is the only thing that's changed-- none of the emotional issues that are blocking him from truly living. I continue to urge him to find an avenue to pursue that...not necessarily for us, but because it will be so sad for him as a human being to never work through it. I recognize that's his path and his decision though.

I do notice that it's much more peaceful since he left. I didn't realize just how much negative energy I was absorbing during the time. I still make mistakes and try to have "real" conversations with him about what he wants for the future, when logically I know he can't be in the space for it. It's just so difficult to NOT want to have an adult conversation with someone who is now sober, and whose decisions greatly impact our marriage and our children. This is definitely a place where I take two steps forward and one step back. I suppose it's encouraging for me to hear that at some point the vagueness and lack of any concept of future direction may lift... though there are certainly many stories in the other direction as well.

All I can do is pray, develop and heal myself, and take it one day at a time. That's all any of us can do, I suppose.

BoxinRotz

First, what can I expect from him now that he has quit? I can understand the quick temper, but is he likely to realise how much this has damaged me and our relationship at some stage, and begin to put me first every now and then? I am really tired of being the supporter and never the supported.

This is going to sound so messed up that I don't even understand it because my AH is totally different than what you guys are experiencing. He is remorseful and full of sorrow and he remembers being out of control. It's like he knows that this has done damage to our relationship but some how, someway pretended that it wasn't going to end in a bad way. I have been in your shoes and told him, I want YOU to take care of me and not me take care of you! I am tired! I had just spent our whole summer taking care of his medical needs while he drank and it did a number on me emotionally. I was a wreck but kept it together because he was an emotional wreck facing a very risky surgery that in and of itself which could paralyze him yet if he didn't have it, he could become paralyzed. I was like... WTF am I going to do because I couldn't reach him. I, in a sense, had to let him **** away his sick time and wait for him to do something and it finally happened with a lot of prayers from me and family and friends. His turning point for that surgery came when he was alone and a bolt of lightning, as he put it, struck him and the pain was emense (what happened was, he had 2 crushed disc that were on his spinal cord and when he turned his head, it delivered a blow so painful, it was like he was struck by lightning.



Secondly, I realise alcoholism is an addiction, but he keeps using this term as though it is an excuse for his behaviour, almost to the point where he acknowledges he did some awful things, but still tries to wash his hands of it. As I am pretty sick of the excuses this makes me angry because he acts like it was someone else, not him, who did these things. Thoughts?

My husband has said that alcohol does a lot of his talking when he drinks and the things he said did not come from him. Oh really?! Could have fooled me ya big ass! On the other hand, he owns what he has said to me. He says he can not take them back and he is so sorry and this is not the way he is suppose to treat me, his wife! He acknowledges the painful words and doesn't run from them.

Third, I’m not sure of the physical, mental, and emotion symptoms of withdrawal. I have read a bit about it, but at the moment he is sleeping a lot, not working, depressed, and talking quite a bit of nonsense. He has always depended on me for a lot, but it is almost like he has even dumbed down since quitting, which is the exact opposite of what I thought would happen. I have to be eternally vigilant 24/7 in order to make sure everything gets done that needs to, which is particularly difficult as I am a foreigner in this country. Is this tiredness, lack of motivation, depression, and vagueness normal? If so, does it ever pass?!

This is where it's really weird because my husband does not show withdrawl! It's shocking because it's almost like it's not there! *looks under bed and in closet* He is happy! He laughs! He helps me! He tells me he loves me! He does things for me around the house! He goes to the gym! He plays with the dogs! He goes to work and works overtime! I'm almost left scratching my head and wondering wth is going on!

BoxinRotz

I guess I should not tell you what I once told my wonderful husband one day... Little history on feeding my dogs... I feed them raw bloody meat. Yes, I do. I am a natural feeder who will hunt prey specifically for my dogs dinner and I even take them to the store to buy dinner. They love their meat. On with the story...

Husband was sitting on the couch with the boxer and I. He was being a little to much for me at the time and I told him if he did not stop that I would feed him to Mummy and she would sh!t him on the hill and no one would know so go ahead and keep it up! He looked at Mummy boxer and she had her tooth hanging out of her mouth and he knew she loved meal time. She licked her lips and he shut his mouth.

Thanks for that trip down memory lane PohsFriend! lol

PohsFriend

Box - thought of you and TG when I read this right after your thread about your guns. Figured you'd read it and organize a safari ;-)

Ps- praying for you, so glad hubby is moving in the right direction. Progress...

BoxinRotz

It is defiantely progress. His real test is when the weather warms up so he can *still* hit me out of left feild and I'm not holding my breath that this is it. Sad but his trigger is a hunk of metal with 2 tires, a handle bar with a clutch and throttle in the garage and when May gets here, he's a fawkin mess cuz he's bent on riding buzzed! I got news for him... If he drinks, the bike is leaving and I'll be right behind her!

Live

I am with Poh. Our wonderful LaTeDah reminds us "unacceptable IS unacceptable".

My x-awipe was both emotionally and verbally abusive, this can be so hard to pinpoint and understand but it's effects are always devastating and a broken bone heals far faster....and then, it's visible, we are sure about it.

The book that opened my eyes was Alice Walker's "No Visible Wounds"
Another must read is Lundy Bancroft's "Inside the Minds of Controlling Men"

PohsFriend

Live - confession... So I'm a big strong guy, confident, affable...

Nobody would guess how screwed up I am when it comes to dealing with verbal abuse from the woman in my life. NPD/borderline mom...

My ex is NPD too but I did nit know what that was til a few years ago. My darling wife is an alcoholic but what she is not is a mean spirited bitch who uses shame, guilt and cruelty to hammer someone into compliance. That's one reason I feel lucky - yes, there are easier things than being madly in love with an alcoholic - recovering or active - but my wife knew me as a protective bear at home and a decisive boss at the office. The day she saw me read a scathing email from my ex she watched me crumble into a terrified little kid.

I hide that crap really well, it is embarrassing to me. I bring it up now only because I want to emphasize the brutality of the dehumanizing impact of verbal abuse. I'm irrationally devoted to my wife at times - once she saw that side iof me she took my face in her little hands and spent an hour telling me how smart, handsome, desirable, kind and worthy I was and what a great dad I was and how much she wanted to spend the rest of her life convincing me of that.

...she's worth fighting for and standing behind. I can't fathom dealing with the drama of alcoholism on top of dealing with that sort of abuse.

Anyway... Lol, that ought to cover the "WTF happened to make cheerful PF go nuts and advise using the guy as dog food" questions (oops).

Side note : it's possible that once you get to where you recognize and refuse to tolerate being bullied that you bite back pretty hard... Just a rumor I heard ;-)

Never let another human being tell you that you are less than they are, it's ******** and it's mean. Mean people suck.

PohsFriend

That was tough to puke out, lol

Live

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

I am glad you did even tho it was so hard to do.
Senselessly, that kind of abuse worms it's way into and throughout every part of our being.
Our self image becomes warped until we have no self esteem left. Worse, we blame ourselves for this and continue to heap blame and degradation into and onto ourselves.
We believe no one likes us and certainly no one could love us. We think we are a burden, and without a sense of worth, we think about ending our lives.
We are inadequate. Nothing we do will ever be good enough, it will never be enough and it's not any good. We are fundamentally flawed and we do not understand how, why or what to do about it, indeed we firmly believe nothing can be done. We are hopeless. We don't talk about it but just live with inner quiet affirmation of it. We can't look at or see ourselves objectively or clearly as others do.
If we won a good works or peace award of the year, we would still think that we are frauds and that we merely were able to hide who we really are with some deflecting actions and pure fluke. We would think we duped people.

I could go on. These are some of the results and essence of abuse. Make no mistake, verbal and emotional abuse kills people too. And since we live in shame and fear of being found out, we don't talk to anyone or others. We often isolate or when out have a false mask that is our public persona we put on<<<which is further damaging, as each time it reinforces that I am not okay as who I am.

Living with this alone and in loneliness is profoundly painful and it will permeate everything in our lives.
It IS the boogey-man.

It doesn't do much good to reach out to someone who does not understand our plight, it's scary and risky to reach out in the first place and we need to find someone capable of first: understanding, second: accepting of our truth, third: caring of us, fourth: able to build with us a healthy relationship that serves as a corrective relationship.

Corrective relationships, along with counseling if possible, are the way out of this.

The most important part of all this is the last line...there is a way out. It isn't easy. It takes courage, commitment and a willingness to be transparent with those who do love us and/or the specialist we hire to help us. Transparency happens very gradually and is probably by far the most difficult due to our belief system about ourselves...since we "know" that would display us as being flawed and hopeless and end in rejection or that the other might stay with us but also give up on us or look down upon us.
We all ready know we don't deserve better, right?

Please hear me, this is a false belief system. You weren't born with it and there is nothing innately wrong with you. Most likely someone who should have been cherishing your precious self was invading..psychically raping you....and destroying your inner peace and harming your sensitive inner being.
In short, you are an abuse survivor.
You have probably become so accustomed to it and confused by it that you are no longer able to fully recognize the abuse.
Our rational minds believe in cause and effect so we come to believe we are the cause, blame ourselves and deserve it.
The truth is so irrational, overwhelming and confounding...and invasive, that often we do not even see or recognize most of it for what it is.
The person attacks us and we sit there and try to put ourselves in their shoes, trying to understand so we can fix things and avoid the arguments, attacks and pain. The cycle of abuse is being perpetuated and more deeply imbedded.

It can happen to anyone.
Forget all the stereotypes of the kind of people who are abused as well as those concerning abusers.

And remember, it's always a good time and never too late to get the help you deserve. Yes, you DESERVE it!

T

ShootingStar1

Audrey1, as someone who also has been verbally and emotionally abused, I agree wholeheartedly with Live. What he is doing is abuse. Live said it all very eloquently.

For me, it took an absolutely outrageous abusive act on my AH's part to make me leave, and then it took weeks for the people here on SR to get it through my thick head that I was being abused; it felt bad, but a strange kind of normal, and I just couldn't see it at first. I had to trust other people to point it out over and over again. I had to go through facing that he was being abusive many many times. I'd understand, then I'd lose the thought and have to think it through all over again. Then my rational mind got it, but my emotions were all over the place. Now, after 5 months, I am finally much more able to look at what happened and understand how he abused me and how I let him.

You don't have to live this way. There is far better out there for you.

I am also concerned about the "sexsomnia"; it sounds like a fancy name for justifying sexual abuse. From the reading I did on the internet, it is a very new and controversial idea, and also very rare. If it does exist, it is generally present as one of a cluster of other neurological/sleep disorder symptoms. Unless your ABF has had extensive neurological medical workups, this is probably just another drunken bad behavior, and it is abusive. You deserve to have a good night's sleep, free from fear and abuse.

Concerned about you, sending prayers and good wishes your way. Take what you want, forget the rest. Post as often as you want, we're all thinking and caring about you.

ShootingStar1