Why am I always the bad guy?! HELP.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Why am I always the bad guy?! HELP.
So my RAB has been sober for over a year. I am very proud of him but in my eyes he is still a dry drunk. He has not sought out therapy or a support group but his friends have been very supportive of his decision not to.
Since the time of his sobriety, he has only been around alcohol when he has dinner with coworkers or friends and they choose to have a drink or two with dinner. He says he feels no temptation and is content because he always has delicious food.
Recently, we attended a few events where there was good amounts of alcohol. One was a small birthday gathering where there were drinks and food. And the other was a tailgating event for a football game. He felt comfortable at both and did not feel any urge to drink. I should preface that he never had a physical addiction, it was very mental - his father was a violent alcoholic until my RAB was about 16.
Now my RAB has been invited to his friend's brother's wedding reception where there will be open bar. He does not have a plus one so I would be unable to attend. He asked me what I felt about him going and I said that I was just not at the place yet where I would feel comfortable with him going alone. He became very upset and did not want to continue speaking about it. He said he was frustrated.
I just feel like I am always made to be the bad guy. Should I feel bad about this? I just haven't fully regained my trust in him, and historically his friends all drink pretty heavily at weddings. I understand his frustration because he has had to turn down several outings with his friends because they are going to clubs or bars, but this whole journey has been hard on me as well. Am I wrong to have said how I feel? I feel like if he really wants to go he needs to make that decision on his own. But if he asks me my opinion I will be honest with him.
I am so sad and frustrated.
Since the time of his sobriety, he has only been around alcohol when he has dinner with coworkers or friends and they choose to have a drink or two with dinner. He says he feels no temptation and is content because he always has delicious food.
Recently, we attended a few events where there was good amounts of alcohol. One was a small birthday gathering where there were drinks and food. And the other was a tailgating event for a football game. He felt comfortable at both and did not feel any urge to drink. I should preface that he never had a physical addiction, it was very mental - his father was a violent alcoholic until my RAB was about 16.
Now my RAB has been invited to his friend's brother's wedding reception where there will be open bar. He does not have a plus one so I would be unable to attend. He asked me what I felt about him going and I said that I was just not at the place yet where I would feel comfortable with him going alone. He became very upset and did not want to continue speaking about it. He said he was frustrated.
I just feel like I am always made to be the bad guy. Should I feel bad about this? I just haven't fully regained my trust in him, and historically his friends all drink pretty heavily at weddings. I understand his frustration because he has had to turn down several outings with his friends because they are going to clubs or bars, but this whole journey has been hard on me as well. Am I wrong to have said how I feel? I feel like if he really wants to go he needs to make that decision on his own. But if he asks me my opinion I will be honest with him.
I am so sad and frustrated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by alia 
He asked me what I felt about him going and I said that I was just not at the place yet where I would feel comfortable with him going alone. He became very upset and did not want to continue speaking about it. He said he was frustrated...
I feel like if he really wants to go he needs to make that decision on his own.
I feel like if he really wants to go he needs to make that decision on his own.
With all due respect - your response sounds controlling, as if you have to be with him to stop him from drinking. Yet you say just a few sentences later that he needs to make that decision for himself. But didn't show any faith in him that he can make the decision for himself and have good judgment and do the right thing.
I think he might have been looking for support and encouragement, and instead got a response that - to him - sounded negative and almost Mom-like.
Being honest is good...but sometimes it is not best to share our inner most feelings all the time. Sometimes, we just need to swallow our own issues and let someone go ( in this case, literally go to this event) tackle life by themselves. And we simply have faith and hope for the best outcome possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Tuffgirl - I appreciate your opinion. I think I was inaccurate on describing the situation. Here is the actual conversation almost word-for-word:
RAB: Oh I wanted to talk about george's brother's wedding.
Me: Okay, whats up?
RAB: I think it's really annoying that he won't let me bring a guest. I wish you could be there.
Me: I know but we aren't the ones paying so..haha..
RAB: How do you feel about me going by myself?
Me: Um..Well..the thought makes me super uncomfortable. But its your decision.
RAB: ---SILENCE---
Me: Hello?
RAB: Yea. What? I'm annoyed. I don't want to talk about this. Can we get off the phone?
Me: Um okay, if you want to talk about how you feel later let me know.
RAB: Probably not. Bye.
I really don't think I was controlling but maybe I am not being self-aware..? You know, I spent a good chunk of our relationship trying to put a positive spin on things or being supportive even if it made me uncomfortable. All that came out of it was that he took me for granted. So my Al-Anon family and my therapist tell me to give an honest answer IF asked. And that if he tries to put the decision making on me, I need to remind him that it is his decision.
Its not that I think that I have to be there for him to stop. Lord knows that that never worked when he was still drinking! I have just been scarred by his past actions and behaviors and I am still scared. And I am doing everything I can to make progress but I can only offer the truth. There is no sense in giving him a false sense of support. If he wants support and encouragement, I am happy to provide that IF I actually agree with the decisions and choices. When I don't I just don't say anything. If he doesn't want to know, he shouldn't ask.
I am really feeling heavy-hearted today.
RAB: Oh I wanted to talk about george's brother's wedding.
Me: Okay, whats up?
RAB: I think it's really annoying that he won't let me bring a guest. I wish you could be there.
Me: I know but we aren't the ones paying so..haha..
RAB: How do you feel about me going by myself?
Me: Um..Well..the thought makes me super uncomfortable. But its your decision.
RAB: ---SILENCE---
Me: Hello?
RAB: Yea. What? I'm annoyed. I don't want to talk about this. Can we get off the phone?
Me: Um okay, if you want to talk about how you feel later let me know.
RAB: Probably not. Bye.
I really don't think I was controlling but maybe I am not being self-aware..? You know, I spent a good chunk of our relationship trying to put a positive spin on things or being supportive even if it made me uncomfortable. All that came out of it was that he took me for granted. So my Al-Anon family and my therapist tell me to give an honest answer IF asked. And that if he tries to put the decision making on me, I need to remind him that it is his decision.
Its not that I think that I have to be there for him to stop. Lord knows that that never worked when he was still drinking! I have just been scarred by his past actions and behaviors and I am still scared. And I am doing everything I can to make progress but I can only offer the truth. There is no sense in giving him a false sense of support. If he wants support and encouragement, I am happy to provide that IF I actually agree with the decisions and choices. When I don't I just don't say anything. If he doesn't want to know, he shouldn't ask.
I am really feeling heavy-hearted today.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Hi Alia-
I have learnt in the past 8 months that when my RAH asks me an opinion- he really doesn't want it!! Like you, I always wanted to give him an honest answer and it always backfired.
So now I usually say 'Aha'- or I say ' Do you need my opinion' and walk away. However I am lucky in that he attends AA , and I Al Anon, so when either of us says 'I will leave it at that'- we both respect that is the end of the conversation.
For peace in our house, we do not discuss how hefeels about drinking ever....
I have learnt in the past 8 months that when my RAH asks me an opinion- he really doesn't want it!! Like you, I always wanted to give him an honest answer and it always backfired.
So now I usually say 'Aha'- or I say ' Do you need my opinion' and walk away. However I am lucky in that he attends AA , and I Al Anon, so when either of us says 'I will leave it at that'- we both respect that is the end of the conversation.
For peace in our house, we do not discuss how hefeels about drinking ever....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I have to agree with the others, it definitely comes off as a bit controlling. (Even though that wasn't your intention)
In situations like this I've learned that my answer will always be something along the lines of "It's not about how *I* feel.... so how does it make *you* feel?" That way I feel like I'm being supportive & encourage him to open up & talk about his issues but at the same time keep my own POV out of his decision.
In situations like this I've learned that my answer will always be something along the lines of "It's not about how *I* feel.... so how does it make *you* feel?" That way I feel like I'm being supportive & encourage him to open up & talk about his issues but at the same time keep my own POV out of his decision.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Wow - I guess I really still have a lot of learning to do. FireSprite - I like your approach when you say "It's not about how I feel". I guess part of me still feels like if I tell him how I feel, maybe it will open his eyes. And I guess that is my subtle (or not so subtle) way of trying to control the situation. Sigh.....I wish this was easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by alia
Sigh.....I wish this was easier.
Remember, early recovery is bumpy. I was always saying the wrong thing. Sometimes, when I would say nothing, thinking it was best to say nothing, I'd get berated for saying nothing! Argh!
Just try not to take it personally. His responses are on him, and his responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Alia...I don't think what you said sounds controlling at all.
If the subject wasn't about alcohol, but something else, I think that some here wouldn't be so quick to claim that you're being controlling.
If your BF had had a recent affair with an old girlfriend, and now he was invited to a wedding where she would be alone and possibly appealing to your BF, it wouldn't be controlling for you to say that you'd be very uncomfortable with him attending alone. That's not controlling. That's a normal reaction.
If the subject wasn't about alcohol, but something else, I think that some here wouldn't be so quick to claim that you're being controlling.
If your BF had had a recent affair with an old girlfriend, and now he was invited to a wedding where she would be alone and possibly appealing to your BF, it wouldn't be controlling for you to say that you'd be very uncomfortable with him attending alone. That's not controlling. That's a normal reaction.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
BrokenHeartWife, I agree your with your scenario that would be a normal reaction. I also think it would be controlling.
I see controlling as when I want to manage the outcome of a decision that isn't mine to make whether it be drinking or having an affair or anything else.
Your friend,
I see controlling as when I want to manage the outcome of a decision that isn't mine to make whether it be drinking or having an affair or anything else.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
It comes off as very passive aggressive, I don't like it.
I read it as something like, "It's your decision to make, but your decision making abilities are inferior to mine so I will never be comfortable with the decisions you make" or something.
I read it as something like, "It's your decision to make, but your decision making abilities are inferior to mine so I will never be comfortable with the decisions you make" or something.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by BrokenHeartWife
If your BF had had a recent affair with an old girlfriend, and now he was invited to a wedding where she would be alone and possibly appealing to your BF, it wouldn't be controlling for you to say that you'd be very uncomfortable with him attending alone. That's not controlling. That's a normal reaction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Just because he doesn't "use therapy or a support group" you call him a demeaning name like a "dry drunk"?
I don't use therapy or a support group and don't feel a need to immerse myself in either. I' 19 months sober and doing wonderfully, very happy.
maybe you can ask him to call you several times to check in? or offer to pay for yourself to attend. It is kind of odd that his brother would not include you if you both have a long term relationship
I don't use therapy or a support group and don't feel a need to immerse myself in either. I' 19 months sober and doing wonderfully, very happy.
maybe you can ask him to call you several times to check in? or offer to pay for yourself to attend. It is kind of odd that his brother would not include you if you both have a long term relationship
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Thank you everyone for the input. I guess you whether I came off as controlling or not depends on who im talking to. Its hard because I feel a pressure to not be controlling and don't say this and don't do that. Its a lot. I appreciate the support. You know maybe I don't always trust his decision making skills seeing as how he's made some terrible decisions in the past. But its not my job anymore to try to guide him or stop him I am leaving that more and more each day.
As for calling him a dry drunk that was nit meant to be demeaning its just aa term I keep seeing and he fit the description.I don't ever say it to him.
As for calling him a dry drunk that was nit meant to be demeaning its just aa term I keep seeing and he fit the description.I don't ever say it to him.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by alia
Thank you everyone for the input. I guess you whether I came off as controlling or not depends on who im talking to. Its hard because I feel a pressure to not be controlling and don't say this and don't do that. Its a lot. I appreciate the support. You know maybe I don't always trust his decision making skills seeing as how he's made some terrible decisions in the past. But its not my job anymore to try to guide him or stop him I am leaving that more and more each day.
As for calling him a dry drunk that was nit meant to be demeaning its just aa term I keep seeing and he fit the description.I don't ever say it to him.
As for calling him a dry drunk that was nit meant to be demeaning its just aa term I keep seeing and he fit the description.I don't ever say it to him.
I completely understand how you feel. Our recoveries are very hard work and we will make lots of mistakes along the way.
I still catch myself trying to control or force an outcome. Like so many here, I had no idea I was even doing it.
I knew I didn't cause it, I knew I couldn't cure it but I couldn't control it?? - that was the hard one for me. Welcome to SR!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Actually, I'm going to be the voice here that completely disagrees.
IF the conversation went as you represented it, it think he ask how you felt about something and you answered him honestly. It doesn't appear as though you even brought up the subject, hounded him about it, or 'told' him not to go. He asked, you answered.
So, I'm sorry if he's upset about this, and you do have the right to your opinion. If he doesn't want to know what that is, then perhaps he should not have asked.
IF the conversation went as you represented it, it think he ask how you felt about something and you answered him honestly. It doesn't appear as though you even brought up the subject, hounded him about it, or 'told' him not to go. He asked, you answered.
So, I'm sorry if he's upset about this, and you do have the right to your opinion. If he doesn't want to know what that is, then perhaps he should not have asked.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I I agree with Hydrogirl - he asked an opinion and you gave it - in actuality he was asking you to agree with a decision he had already made.
Here's the deal though - he has been sober a year. I think there are definite triggers for A's but this open bar and party is not the catalyst to make him drink again if that is where he is headed. He will do it anyway (eventually) if that's where his mind is. You being there or policing may stop it - may not IF that's what's going on.
At some point you gotta let him go and and face these things on his own and hope he makes the right decisions.
I would be more likely to say yes go. Have a good time - and if you get there and you have problems or are feeling tempted call me no problem.
Would my stomach be in a knot while he was gone? You bet. Firsts are always difficult.
Here's the deal though - he has been sober a year. I think there are definite triggers for A's but this open bar and party is not the catalyst to make him drink again if that is where he is headed. He will do it anyway (eventually) if that's where his mind is. You being there or policing may stop it - may not IF that's what's going on.
At some point you gotta let him go and and face these things on his own and hope he makes the right decisions.
I would be more likely to say yes go. Have a good time - and if you get there and you have problems or are feeling tempted call me no problem.
Would my stomach be in a knot while he was gone? You bet. Firsts are always difficult.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Letting go and detaching is so hard for me. And I imagine it is for most others. Our relationship has grown and become so full of peace and love and happiness again. I am so scared to let that go. I think that's what makes it hard for me to limit my response.
Hydrogirl- that is the conversation verbatim. I spoke to him a little while after and said that it isn't flair for him to ask about my feelings and then expect a specific answer. And if that is the case it maybe better for me not to say anything at all. It seems that his behavior is common.
So what do I do next time? Not provide him with an answer? Or should I say "its not about how I feel'?
What do you guys recommend? I really don't think I could offer fake support -I haven't gotten to that point in my personal healing yet.
Hydrogirl- that is the conversation verbatim. I spoke to him a little while after and said that it isn't flair for him to ask about my feelings and then expect a specific answer. And if that is the case it maybe better for me not to say anything at all. It seems that his behavior is common.
So what do I do next time? Not provide him with an answer? Or should I say "its not about how I feel'?
What do you guys recommend? I really don't think I could offer fake support -I haven't gotten to that point in my personal healing yet.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I think it always important to be honest with our feelings however I try hard to find out my motives and real feelings before I express it.
Only you can decide if your feelings about the wedding were attempt to control. If they were, try and work on that. It will take some time, reflection and honesty on your part.
Only you can decide if your feelings about the wedding were attempt to control. If they were, try and work on that. It will take some time, reflection and honesty on your part.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
