Am I Being Mean....
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Kelowna, BC, Canada
Posts: 16
Am I Being Mean....
So was wondering if any of you have some advice from past experiences here. My Christmas party is tomorrow night and I plan on going by myself. He has been busy all week doing his thing and I sit alone doing mine. Last year the people at work threw a suprise birthday party for me and he showed up making a fool of himself .... end result it was so bad that I was asked to please not bring him around anymore. So I dont want to miss it. Not going for very long but I spend 12 hours a day 6 days a week with these people and they are at times what holds me together when life is continually falling apart on the home front. Now he is trying to control the situation and has told me that he does not want me to go and that me going may trigger him to drink? I dont plan on drinking anything when I go as I am not a drinker (have a huge hate for alcohol), wouldnt anyways because I am driving AND although he is selfish and only thinks of his needs, I would not go and show up at home with alcohol on my breath as he is on a sober binge so I just plain wouldnt do that to him. I feel I want to go but am so nervous about how he will react and wondering if it is even worth it?????? Small problem compared to some right now but I didnt sleep and am sick with worry about it...had a major anxiety attack this morning already...please help.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I would go. My AH acted inappropriately at a work Xmas dance and I've never included him in another work-related party.
Don't feel that you might trigger him to drink by doing so. If that is his trigger, I think it means that he was looking for a trigger and wants to blame someone else for his relapse. If not this, it would be the next time he doesn't get his way. And either way it is pure manipulation on his part.
You are not responsible for his reaction.
Going to a work Christmas party is a perfectly reasonable thing for a person to do.
Going without him because of his past behaviour is his consequence, and perfectly reasonable.
The only thing that is unreasonable here is his request that you do not go.
I hope you enjoy the party thoroughly!
Don't feel that you might trigger him to drink by doing so. If that is his trigger, I think it means that he was looking for a trigger and wants to blame someone else for his relapse. If not this, it would be the next time he doesn't get his way. And either way it is pure manipulation on his part.
You are not responsible for his reaction.
Going to a work Christmas party is a perfectly reasonable thing for a person to do.
Going without him because of his past behaviour is his consequence, and perfectly reasonable.
The only thing that is unreasonable here is his request that you do not go.
I hope you enjoy the party thoroughly!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Now he is trying to control the situation and has told me that he does not want me to go and that me going may trigger him to drink?
Tell him he over-estimates your power over his drinking choices. If we, as partners of an A, were powerful enough to control their drinking choices this SR forum wouldn't exist.
You are allowed to enjoy your workplace holiday party. And you're allowed to enjoy it without him. You need to start somewhere making decisions that are based on what is best for you - not because you are trying to manage him and his disease.
I see this as controlling behavior on his part. If he drinks because you go to this party -that will be his choice.
I say go to that party and have a wonderful time.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Tell him he over-estimates your power over his drinking choices. If we, as partners of an A, were powerful enough to control their drinking choices this SR forum wouldn't exist.
You are allowed to enjoy your workplace holiday party. And you're allowed to enjoy it without him. You need to start somewhere making decisions that are based on what is best for you - not because you are trying to manage him and his disease.
I see this as controlling behavior on his part. If he drinks because you go to this party -that will be his choice.
I say go to that party and have a wonderful time.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the present
Posts: 30
Absolutely go to your work party! He is exhibiting the selfish behavior that A's do by trying to guilt you into not going. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink and if he doesn't blame it on this, he will find something else to blame it on. Leave the baby at home and have a good time!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Showing up at your last party and behaving so badly that he is not welcome back is HIS consequence. You are not being mean for making him live with that, and if he intends to drink again, going or not going or standing on your head or loving him to pieces isn't going to change that.
Be strong and be merry! Enjoy your party!
Be strong and be merry! Enjoy your party!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
I don't think you're being mean at all! The A blame shifting is apparent, looking for an excuse to drink. You said so yourself that he is trying to control the situation. A's don't like us to stand up for ourselves, so they guilt us.
I hope you go by yourself and have a wonderful time!
I hope you go by yourself and have a wonderful time!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
No, you are not being mean. It took me a long time to figure out that it is OK for me to take care of myself and that it is my and only my choice.
As for the trigger comment when my AW would say stuff like that it usually meant she was looking for an excuse to drink.
Your friend,
As for the trigger comment when my AW would say stuff like that it usually meant she was looking for an excuse to drink.
Your friend,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Just as he does not want you to get healthy by attending Alanon meetings, he does not want you to have any fun either. It is all about control.
As for his drinking and being triggerd, would appear by your previous post that he is already drinking, it is just an excuse, a way to deflect his problem on you.
Go, and enjoy yourself, don't worry about rushing home to the "poor" boo hoo boy.
As for his drinking and being triggerd, would appear by your previous post that he is already drinking, it is just an excuse, a way to deflect his problem on you.
Go, and enjoy yourself, don't worry about rushing home to the "poor" boo hoo boy.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
I understand exactly how you feel. I have my work Christmas party tomorrow too, and my ABF isn't happy about it one iota. It is not only the alcohol thing, but, in my case, he has a very bad jealous streak too in that he always thinks I will meet someone else. Alcohol made this worse.
Like you, I was very worried about the party to begin with and thought I wouldn't go. I also worried that he might sneak some alcohol (he's two weeks sober) while I was out as his way of... I don't know. Getting back at me?
But you know what, I don't care now, or at least I'm trying not to care. I am going anyway. I have already sacrificed enough for him, and although two weeks are surely fragile times for him, I need to do something for me for a change. Like you, my ABF embarrassed me and himself several times over last Christmas/New Year. Unlike you, I do drink, but don't do so in front of him now. So tomorrow night will be a chance for me to feel like a normal person for a change, and all the guilt trips he fires at me will now have no effect.
Go for it confusedgirl1. I don't think you're being mean at all, and if you are, then so am I. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow night and hoping you're having fun.
Like you, I was very worried about the party to begin with and thought I wouldn't go. I also worried that he might sneak some alcohol (he's two weeks sober) while I was out as his way of... I don't know. Getting back at me?
But you know what, I don't care now, or at least I'm trying not to care. I am going anyway. I have already sacrificed enough for him, and although two weeks are surely fragile times for him, I need to do something for me for a change. Like you, my ABF embarrassed me and himself several times over last Christmas/New Year. Unlike you, I do drink, but don't do so in front of him now. So tomorrow night will be a chance for me to feel like a normal person for a change, and all the guilt trips he fires at me will now have no effect.
Go for it confusedgirl1. I don't think you're being mean at all, and if you are, then so am I. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow night and hoping you're having fun.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I hope you go to your party and have an amazing time! If he CHOOSES to consider you enjoying your work party a trigger, then that's his decision to make - as a grown a$s man.
Easier said than done - I know ALL too well, and am working on taking this very same advice myself.
((Hugs))
Easier said than done - I know ALL too well, and am working on taking this very same advice myself.
((Hugs))
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
OMG mamakit, that is just so spot on!
If someone going to a party is enough to cause someone to drink then holy crap - what would a real problem do?
....and ditto the sentiment that if spouses could so easily influence the outcome then this forum would not be here.
I can't top those but here is a thought. There is a difference between punishment and consequences. His actions caused your coworkers to request that he not be invited again, perhaps that will change in the future but for now it is a perfectly rational consequence.
Also, there is a boundary here. You can't allow more damage to your career and your personal life issues have no place there.
I'm one of those managers who people open up to and share with and I like to think I care and try to help where I can but I have responsibility and I take it seriously. If I know someone is going through a divorce or something stressful I might shield them from stuff for a time but I surely won't put them in a position where their total focus is needed until I am satisfied they have it together. Whether that's fair isn't really relevant. My job is to put the person beat able to handle a role into that role and that's that.
He's a big boy. I would not suggest throwing last time in his face either - that's punishment - but if you can matter of factly simply state that it will take some time before YOU are comfortable after last time then he can't argue with that.
Sorry you have to deal with this bit if you going might making him drink then wow, the bad memories from last time and the awkwardness of showing his face after showing his ass would seem 100 times more stressful.
If someone going to a party is enough to cause someone to drink then holy crap - what would a real problem do?
....and ditto the sentiment that if spouses could so easily influence the outcome then this forum would not be here.
I can't top those but here is a thought. There is a difference between punishment and consequences. His actions caused your coworkers to request that he not be invited again, perhaps that will change in the future but for now it is a perfectly rational consequence.
Also, there is a boundary here. You can't allow more damage to your career and your personal life issues have no place there.
I'm one of those managers who people open up to and share with and I like to think I care and try to help where I can but I have responsibility and I take it seriously. If I know someone is going through a divorce or something stressful I might shield them from stuff for a time but I surely won't put them in a position where their total focus is needed until I am satisfied they have it together. Whether that's fair isn't really relevant. My job is to put the person beat able to handle a role into that role and that's that.
He's a big boy. I would not suggest throwing last time in his face either - that's punishment - but if you can matter of factly simply state that it will take some time before YOU are comfortable after last time then he can't argue with that.
Sorry you have to deal with this bit if you going might making him drink then wow, the bad memories from last time and the awkwardness of showing his face after showing his ass would seem 100 times more stressful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Kelowna, BC, Canada
Posts: 16
Thank you...
Thank you so much for the support. I am going to the party and although I may not stay long (as stated before I am so angry and bitter with alcohol right now), I am going to visit and have a good time with people I spend lots of time with. These people have been a great support system for me through alot over the past few years, and although they do not like him, they have continued to be there for me. He is acting strange but then again he is jealous and angry with himself I think more than anything. So much more going on here but today I am going to get through today....and have a great time with people I enjoy being around. Thank you again....
. He will get through this on his own.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
You did not cause it!
You can not control it.
You can not cure it!!
This is pure control and manipulation on his part. If he is not working a program or with a therapist, you can expect more of the same. White knuckling through sobriety hardly ever works. His underlying issues will still be there!!
I hope you go and have a wonderful time. Putting our addicts/alcoholics needs as our number one priority- before our own, is asking to be hurt, disappointed and angry.
You can not control it.
You can not cure it!!
This is pure control and manipulation on his part. If he is not working a program or with a therapist, you can expect more of the same. White knuckling through sobriety hardly ever works. His underlying issues will still be there!!
I hope you go and have a wonderful time. Putting our addicts/alcoholics needs as our number one priority- before our own, is asking to be hurt, disappointed and angry.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
I hope you decide to go to your party and have a great time!
He is an alcoholic, and he's going to do what he wants, regardless if you're with him or not.
If he chooses to use this as a trigger for him to drink, that's all on him-not you.
The only thing I'm worried about is repercussions when you return home..will it be ok for you?
He is an alcoholic, and he's going to do what he wants, regardless if you're with him or not.
If he chooses to use this as a trigger for him to drink, that's all on him-not you.
The only thing I'm worried about is repercussions when you return home..will it be ok for you?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
His threat is just his own creation of an excuse to drink. He's been looking for an excuse to drink and he thinks that you going to this party will provide that for him. He thinks it's a win/win for him...he'll get to drink and then blame you.
Are you married to this person? If not, why are you with him? If you are married to him, is there a reason that you're staying with him?
Are you married to this person? If not, why are you with him? If you are married to him, is there a reason that you're staying with him?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
After reading this, I am unofficially giving out "quacking awards of the day". Today, your guy, (don't know if it is bf or H) wins the award! Whoo-hoo!
Don't you let him ruin your day. That's his goal. Control. Manipulation. And with the threat to drink --intimidation. He's covered all three in one fell swoop!
How immature. Why doesn't he just throw himself on the living room floor and start pounding his fists into the carpet and screaming like a three year old having a temper tantrum...it's the only way he could top what he said.
Don't you let him ruin your day. That's his goal. Control. Manipulation. And with the threat to drink --intimidation. He's covered all three in one fell swoop!
How immature. Why doesn't he just throw himself on the living room floor and start pounding his fists into the carpet and screaming like a three year old having a temper tantrum...it's the only way he could top what he said.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by MamaKit 
[B][I]If he drinks because you go to this party -that will be his choice.
You just wish for once they had the will inside to make the right choice - mostly for their own sake, not just ours.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Hello again confusedgirl1
I wanted to know how your party went? I went to mine and things have been very tense since I got back home. As I mentioned in my post, my ABF has trust issues and although I sent him a message when we got there to let him know, I didn't realise it didn't get through as the party was in a basement (no reception). I only realised at about 10pm, at which point I went up and called him. He was quite angry. He was at home smoking pot with friends.
Anyway, we left less than two hours after that. I sent him another message on the way home, and called when we were near (see how ridiculous my behaviour is as a result of his controlling behaviour?). But despite all this, he was making fun of me and accusing me of being drunk when I got home. I'd had a few wines but was far from drunk.
Unfortunately it was difficult for me to tell if he was just smoking pot or these "friends" had convinced him to have a drink with them. When he went to bed I went around sniffing empty glasses and hunting for beer bottles like an idiot. I got angry with myself that this is what my life had come to.
To top it all off, he has just pulled one of his typical manipulative tricks by saying (with a patronising smile) that he needs to talk to me about something tomorrow, knowing full well I will worry and wonder what it is. It will be something about me though, something I will have done wrong. I asked to know now, but he just smiles and does a really mean impression of me crying like a baby and says we will wait until tomorrow so as not to spoil our Sunday. Besides, he says, "you always make me wait to talk about things". He is, of course, referring to the time I left him after the awful drunken night that eventually brought about his decision to quit drinking after a million episodes of sexual and emotional abuse towards me. Poor him for having to wait.
My patience is wearing very thin, and this behaviour is totally reminiscent of how he behaved when he was not sober.
I hope you had a better time of it...?!
I wanted to know how your party went? I went to mine and things have been very tense since I got back home. As I mentioned in my post, my ABF has trust issues and although I sent him a message when we got there to let him know, I didn't realise it didn't get through as the party was in a basement (no reception). I only realised at about 10pm, at which point I went up and called him. He was quite angry. He was at home smoking pot with friends.
Anyway, we left less than two hours after that. I sent him another message on the way home, and called when we were near (see how ridiculous my behaviour is as a result of his controlling behaviour?). But despite all this, he was making fun of me and accusing me of being drunk when I got home. I'd had a few wines but was far from drunk.
Unfortunately it was difficult for me to tell if he was just smoking pot or these "friends" had convinced him to have a drink with them. When he went to bed I went around sniffing empty glasses and hunting for beer bottles like an idiot. I got angry with myself that this is what my life had come to.
To top it all off, he has just pulled one of his typical manipulative tricks by saying (with a patronising smile) that he needs to talk to me about something tomorrow, knowing full well I will worry and wonder what it is. It will be something about me though, something I will have done wrong. I asked to know now, but he just smiles and does a really mean impression of me crying like a baby and says we will wait until tomorrow so as not to spoil our Sunday. Besides, he says, "you always make me wait to talk about things". He is, of course, referring to the time I left him after the awful drunken night that eventually brought about his decision to quit drinking after a million episodes of sexual and emotional abuse towards me. Poor him for having to wait.
My patience is wearing very thin, and this behaviour is totally reminiscent of how he behaved when he was not sober.
I hope you had a better time of it...?!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Well if you were asked not to take him then don,t but go to your party.And to bad if it triggers him to drink,anything will be an excuse to drink anyway.
Originally Posted by confusedgirl1
So was wondering if any of you have some advice from past experiences here. My Christmas party is tomorrow night and I plan on going by myself. He has been busy all week doing his thing and I sit alone doing mine. Last year the people at work threw a suprise birthday party for me and he showed up making a fool of himself .... end result it was so bad that I was asked to please not bring him around anymore. So I dont want to miss it. Not going for very long but I spend 12 hours a day 6 days a week with these people and they are at times what holds me together when life is continually falling apart on the home front. Now he is trying to control the situation and has told me that he does not want me to go and that me going may trigger him to drink? I dont plan on drinking anything when I go as I am not a drinker (have a huge hate for alcohol), wouldnt anyways because I am driving AND although he is selfish and only thinks of his needs, I would not go and show up at home with alcohol on my breath as he is on a sober binge so I just plain wouldnt do that to him. I feel I want to go but am so nervous about how he will react and wondering if it is even worth it?????? Small problem compared to some right now but I didnt sleep and am sick with worry about it...had a major anxiety attack this morning already...please help.
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