How to cope with awfulizing and guilt?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
How to cope with awfulizing and guilt?
I am really struggling with this separation because I am very lonely, but also because my AXBF (ugh I am writing this for the first time) did do a good job of talking me down when I worried about things (other than his drinking, obviously).
Right now I have this situation with my car and it's literally making me lose my mind.It's a simple export/import issue, which I didn't do correctly because the paperwork went to AXBF (forwarding address).
The paperwork went to AXBF and he never managed to send it to me until recently (I literally had to coerce him by sending $100 and saying "here is money, send it!"). Now I have to get this taken care of and for days, I have been in tears over this because I feel so bad for not having followed the rules. It's ridiculous. I have to add that I hate dealing with border/customs personnel because while some are very nice, others just seem to love giving you a hard time, especially if you are not a citizen (I am not a citizen of either Canada or the U.S.) and are outright mean and difficult.
I am agonizing over what to do. Follow the rules from here on out and hope for the best or call beforehand to figure it out (and possibly be scolded and be talked down to and start a hysteric crying fit). Or lie about it. While lying about it would work because they can't prove where the car was during this time, I don't want to lie to border officials. I could just go during Christmas week and hope for people's Christmas spirit...
But my point is, is this a co-dependent trait to be so guilt-riddled about not following the rules? I have not hurt anybody whatsoever with this, it's just a matter of getting it right and move on. And here I am in tears and shaking with anxiety and picturing all sorts of scenarios (car being seized, etc.). And I don't know how to snap out of it until I can actually go and take care of this (probably option A, make it right from here on out and try not to go into hysterics when questioned). I guess a pre-Christmas separation from my partner of six years and Christmas alone in a new city would melt any border official's heart, no?
I really think I need to go back on my anxiety medication. Worrier is my second name.
Right now I have this situation with my car and it's literally making me lose my mind.It's a simple export/import issue, which I didn't do correctly because the paperwork went to AXBF (forwarding address).
The paperwork went to AXBF and he never managed to send it to me until recently (I literally had to coerce him by sending $100 and saying "here is money, send it!"). Now I have to get this taken care of and for days, I have been in tears over this because I feel so bad for not having followed the rules. It's ridiculous. I have to add that I hate dealing with border/customs personnel because while some are very nice, others just seem to love giving you a hard time, especially if you are not a citizen (I am not a citizen of either Canada or the U.S.) and are outright mean and difficult.
I am agonizing over what to do. Follow the rules from here on out and hope for the best or call beforehand to figure it out (and possibly be scolded and be talked down to and start a hysteric crying fit). Or lie about it. While lying about it would work because they can't prove where the car was during this time, I don't want to lie to border officials. I could just go during Christmas week and hope for people's Christmas spirit...
But my point is, is this a co-dependent trait to be so guilt-riddled about not following the rules? I have not hurt anybody whatsoever with this, it's just a matter of getting it right and move on. And here I am in tears and shaking with anxiety and picturing all sorts of scenarios (car being seized, etc.). And I don't know how to snap out of it until I can actually go and take care of this (probably option A, make it right from here on out and try not to go into hysterics when questioned). I guess a pre-Christmas separation from my partner of six years and Christmas alone in a new city would melt any border official's heart, no?
I really think I need to go back on my anxiety medication. Worrier is my second name.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Take some deep breaths. In and out. Now some more......okay a few more.
Sweetie, your gas tank is on empty right now. You burned it all dealing with the pain and heartache of this break up. I think you are just fragile at the moment.
Don't be so hard on yourself about these rules. It will get straightened out.
Can you find the time to do something good for yourself? Something nurturing that will put some gas in that tank?
Sending hugs,
MamaKit
Sweetie, your gas tank is on empty right now. You burned it all dealing with the pain and heartache of this break up. I think you are just fragile at the moment.
Don't be so hard on yourself about these rules. It will get straightened out.
Can you find the time to do something good for yourself? Something nurturing that will put some gas in that tank?
Sending hugs,
MamaKit
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
You bought and paid for that car, right? It's not like you stole it. Red tape of officials is just that...don't feel guilty doing whatever is necessary. As long as you didn't steal the car, stop putting some crushing guilt on yourself. It's your car. You earned it legally. Red tape is just that. Don't overthink it.
I don't know the details, but explaining that somebody else had the paperwork is not unbelievable, like you are doing something sneaky. I also don't know the reprocussions. I would do whatever I needed to do so that I still had my car, and let it go.
I don't know the details, but explaining that somebody else had the paperwork is not unbelievable, like you are doing something sneaky. I also don't know the reprocussions. I would do whatever I needed to do so that I still had my car, and let it go.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Doo, Doo occurs in life, by the time you reach my age, you will hopefully learn to roll with the punches, the world will not come to an end because of an error or oversight on your part. Chill.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
hmm. I don't know but I also suffer from anxiety and depression and yeah, you are bound to feel lonely after a breakup so things seem worse somehow and coping is difficult. I am on medication and seeing a therapist currently. Good luck with the car, just get it taken care of and hopefully it all turns out fine. 
I try to send myself positive messages to counteract the awfulizing:
"I can handle this" etc...
I try to send myself positive messages to counteract the awfulizing:
"I can handle this" etc...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
MamaKit, THANK YOU! I actually started to cry again when I read your post, but it was more out of relief. I think I needed the confirmation that there is only so much we can take. My life has been in so much turmoil since August and it's been a bit rough. As part of following the rules, my car has to be in the U.S. a certain number of hours, so I will book myself into a nice hotel with a gym and an indoor pool and consider it a vacation. My pups have a great boarding facility to go to and will get a break from stressed out and constantly crying mummy.
MadeOfGlass, yes, it's my car (almost paid off that is) and I know other people who made this mistake did not have any problems at the border (in some cases it involved speaking with higher-ups). I have decided to follow the book from now on (take it across, stay in the U.S. a certain number of hours and take it back) and be honest about what happened. It says that worst case scenario they can seize the car, but I highly doubt they would, so at the very worst I might have to pay some penalties. With just a little bit of luck, that won't happen either.
dollydo, I am usually good at telling myself "how much will the consequences matter in a year or five years. I think I am just overall so burnt out right now that I can't cope with much else anymore. In my heart of hearts, I know it will be ok. But I can get so tangled up in my own head...A little bit ago I had problems feeding my dogs the right amount of food because I am so spaced out.
ZiggyB, I will have to go back on the anti-anxiety meds for a while to deal with this. I will take care of that next week (this weekend, I want to take care of the car issue). Right now I am telling myself that it will be ok and if not, I will take the bus and save $500 a months for car payments and insurance (although I really want my car!).
On a positive note, my AXBF just called and I was vulnerable enough to answer (that's not the positive note). He wanted to talk because he "was sick of being yelled at all the time." I told him that at least he could take responsibility for some things, at which point he proceeded to tell me about how hard his life is and that he is sick of being yelled at and I can just die, quack quack. I hung up the phone, ignored the next call, deleted the message, called my bank to deactivate my debit card he still has and emailed human resources to make my parents the recipients of my life insurance instead of him. And ignored another call. I am tired of being yelled at, too, buddy.
MadeOfGlass, yes, it's my car (almost paid off that is) and I know other people who made this mistake did not have any problems at the border (in some cases it involved speaking with higher-ups). I have decided to follow the book from now on (take it across, stay in the U.S. a certain number of hours and take it back) and be honest about what happened. It says that worst case scenario they can seize the car, but I highly doubt they would, so at the very worst I might have to pay some penalties. With just a little bit of luck, that won't happen either.
dollydo, I am usually good at telling myself "how much will the consequences matter in a year or five years. I think I am just overall so burnt out right now that I can't cope with much else anymore. In my heart of hearts, I know it will be ok. But I can get so tangled up in my own head...A little bit ago I had problems feeding my dogs the right amount of food because I am so spaced out.
ZiggyB, I will have to go back on the anti-anxiety meds for a while to deal with this. I will take care of that next week (this weekend, I want to take care of the car issue). Right now I am telling myself that it will be ok and if not, I will take the bus and save $500 a months for car payments and insurance (although I really want my car!).
On a positive note, my AXBF just called and I was vulnerable enough to answer (that's not the positive note). He wanted to talk because he "was sick of being yelled at all the time." I told him that at least he could take responsibility for some things, at which point he proceeded to tell me about how hard his life is and that he is sick of being yelled at and I can just die, quack quack. I hung up the phone, ignored the next call, deleted the message, called my bank to deactivate my debit card he still has and emailed human resources to make my parents the recipients of my life insurance instead of him. And ignored another call. I am tired of being yelled at, too, buddy.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
You are doing great and like the others said it will be ok! Be easy on yourself - get a massage or a pedicure or just go do something relaxing even if its enjoying a cup of coffee! You don't need or deserve to be yelled at by him. Ignoring his call is a great gift to yourself!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I was sick of getting yelled at too!
Kimmeh, I have to say for someone who has anxiety issues, an alcoholic is the WORST type of person for us to get involved with. If you already have a tendency to worry and obsess a lot, you need someone who is stable and who can take care of themselves without causing too much unnecessary drama in your life! I really learned that lesson the hard way... you will feel a lot better in a few months I bet.
When I see what other posters in this forum have put up with, I think they must have nerves of steel. Let's hope for some less volatile romantic relationships in our futures.)
Kimmeh, I have to say for someone who has anxiety issues, an alcoholic is the WORST type of person for us to get involved with. If you already have a tendency to worry and obsess a lot, you need someone who is stable and who can take care of themselves without causing too much unnecessary drama in your life! I really learned that lesson the hard way... you will feel a lot better in a few months I bet.
When I see what other posters in this forum have put up with, I think they must have nerves of steel. Let's hope for some less volatile romantic relationships in our futures.
)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
So this is the plan:
I was going to take care of this car thing this weekend, but I have to give a final on Tuesday and know I would worry all weekend about getting back on time. So instead, I will go the weekend after so I don't have to worry about missing that final (it's a new job, so I would be terrified). I also have a feeling they might feel more benevolent on Christmas Eve...
Most importantly, tomorrow I will find a walk-in clinic and get a prescription for anti-anxiety meds so I am properly medicated and can enjoy my weekend in the U.S. without going up the wall.
And now I have to go because my dogs are literally all over me, maybe because they are relieved I am less tense. They have been soooo sweet and loving lately. <3
I was going to take care of this car thing this weekend, but I have to give a final on Tuesday and know I would worry all weekend about getting back on time. So instead, I will go the weekend after so I don't have to worry about missing that final (it's a new job, so I would be terrified). I also have a feeling they might feel more benevolent on Christmas Eve...
Most importantly, tomorrow I will find a walk-in clinic and get a prescription for anti-anxiety meds so I am properly medicated and can enjoy my weekend in the U.S. without going up the wall.
And now I have to go because my dogs are literally all over me, maybe because they are relieved I am less tense. They have been soooo sweet and loving lately. <3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I went to the doctor first thing this morning and got a prescription for my anti-anxiety medication. When I came home, I heard about the shooting at the elementary school in Connecticut. My heart goes out to the victims' families. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a loved one to murder, and especially not the pain of losing a child. Today, for me, is not a day to worry about bills and bureaucracies, but to commemorate lost children, parents, and loved ones and to pray that they may rest in peace.
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