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AH's sponsor says don't go to rehab

Old 12-12-2012, 01:58 PM
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AH's sponsor says don't go to rehab

Seriously?! This is what AH is telling everyone. That his sponsor says he shouldn't go to rehab - because his participation in rehab could be used against him in divorce court, as proof that he is an alcoholic.

This spring/summer was the first time that my husband started really saying some true words about his alcoholism. Each truth was a gem for me. Because the truths confirmed what I had known all along but there was seldom any proof. Made me feel crazy, noticing subtle things that he'd deny or turn into a fight.

But then by August he started retracting everything. "Alcoholic?! Well, I have a couple of beers but my wife is very sensitive to alcohol consumption and thinks my normal beer drinking is a problem so I go to AA for her. Now all she talks about is my drinking. She can't get past it and talk about the more pressing issues such as..."

He's convinced the family doctor, the couple's therapist, many mutual friends, the police on one occasion, his parents and brother, and perhaps his AA sponsor?!?!?! That I am hyper sensitive and he's a victim.

Am I crazy?!

Oh, and the aggressive and threatening behavior? He has a completely different recollection of those occasions. Just marital problems. He's doing all that he can to save our marriage but his wife is impossible.

Anyway, he says he is coming here in a few days to stay indefinitely but up to one month. And he will stay 2 nights in a hotel but won't commit to anything more.

I could file a criminal complaint so that maybe they arrest him upon arrival. I was hoping he would just go to rehab for a few weeks and get sober so at least I could work with someone partially functional. But it appears not meant to be. He wants to lurk around here, sulking and mad and looking like a victim, playing it up through the holidays with the children and giving me likely not a single moment's peace.

But if they arrest him? That's not where I would prefer to take this. I don't understand what the poolice are going to do. It's different over here and they don't feel the need to explain things to me. The police get to make a lot of their own decisions, it appears. But they are concerned for me, at least.

I have two days before his arrival. What do I do? He is angry, unstable, it's the holidays, i have four children waiting for Christmas day. I want to pack us all up and disappear until he goes away!
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Old 12-12-2012, 02:08 PM
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Get a restraining order.
A sponsor would not advise him on divorce and custody issues. A sponsor's first concern would be his sobriety and recovery. I hear quacking.
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Old 12-12-2012, 02:28 PM
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I want to call the sponsor myself, but isn't that kind of invasive? And he wouldn't maybe tell me anything, anyway?

As to the restraining order. it is different over here. The judge is looking over the information and will decide about what actions to take. The police want to talk with my AH when he arrives on Saturday. The authorities here don't feel the need to tell me more than that. It's not in my control, really. If my AH gets violent again, then I call the police and he is in pretty big trouble. Not something I want to wait around for during the holidays.
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Get a restraining order.
A sponsor would not advise him on divorce and custody issues. A sponsor's first concern would be his sobriety and recovery. I hear quacking.
There are sponsors that have no sense whatsoever and advise on everything. This may or may not be quaking. This is why my personal opinion is that if you are going to throw a dart and trust your life to someone, seek a professional. That is the dumbest of dumb advice if in fact it came from a sponsor, but I have heard worse.

I can't imaging any judge holding treatment against anyone. On the other hand..........
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:22 PM
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Do you have any legal docs in place regarding the care of the children? If you have custody at present I would get that in writing. It can be a legal agreement through you both or a court order. Don't know where you are so hard to advise.
If he abuses or threatens you by text, lock it in to your phone & take it to the police station. they will record it & speak to him about it. Sometimes it's enough to scare them off.
Rehab could be used against him for custody of the kids.
Only speaking in my experiences & in my country.
Hope this helps.
Hugs.
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:47 PM
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Thank you, folks, for your advice.

It is late and I am so worn from all of this.

I am starting to wonder how to get my AH to finally slug me good without doing me permanent injury or worse so that I can have solid proof to all the world that he is abusive and he gets arrested and I can have Christmas in peace with the children.


The threat of him at this point feels worse than a physical attack.

Sorry for being so grim. I was feeling really hopeful until this afternoon and now I feel the weight of my situation sinking in.
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:50 PM
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Is it possible for you to just tell him NOT to come for the Holidays or at the very least, tell him he can not stay in the same house as you!
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Old 12-12-2012, 05:01 PM
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I asked him to commit to staying elsewhere for the duration of his visit, and he said he would stay in a hotel after his arrival. I looked it up and he booked for two nights. He says he will stay up to a month in our part of the world. He is trying to stay in our home and the lawyer wants me to get him to commit in writing to a hotel stay for the entire period.

Waiting to see what legal advice I get tomorrow. It's not looking great. AH is a frighteningly intelligent and charming man and he has pretty much always gotten what he wants.

Right now, he wants to win. He wants to look good, he wants lots of attention and sympathy, and perhaps he wants me to suffer.

Boy, I AM not my most positive self tonight! Rats.
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Old 12-12-2012, 05:16 PM
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I'm so sorry that your holiday is turning into stress and fear. No one should ever leave in fear of another person.

You said you asked him to stay elsewhere, is the house only in your name? If you are the one that owns the house couldn't you say "you can't stay here" and that is that?

It sounds fustrating that he is able to convince people that all is fine. If he dones end up staying in your home with you and your children I would try to stay as far from him as possible.

Wouldn't it be nice if when he arrived you could just not be there and on a plane to anywhere but there? Have a holiday in peace without him and his quacking!

Don't let him make you doubt yourself. You know what you saw and experienced. He might have others fooled, but you know the truth. Keep sticking to your guns and eventually he'll do something he can't talk his way out of. I just pray that the police take action soon.
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Old 12-12-2012, 05:43 PM
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AA is a great thing but every chapter is run by patients, not professionals and mileage may vary on sponsors.

There is also a skepticism regarding rehab.

The director of a top rehab clinic said something very sensible I thought: AA is great support but it is not treatment, after treatment is the time for AA.

Fortunately my wife is open to anything that will or might help and SW liked the idea of some real education and medical input to her recovery so we are finding a rehab counselor to work with 1:1.

I'm a former AA sceptic who is now a huge fan but not all groups are equal nor are all sponsors.
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Old 12-12-2012, 08:11 PM
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Sending hugs, Pippi. (I have to say, Pippi Longstockings was my all time favorite character as a kid ). I can completely commiserate with the feeling of 'if he would just....' waiting for AXH to act on his threats was so nerve wracking.

Please remember to take care of yourself through all of this. Wishing you a measure of peace and continued strength.

Oh, and I'd call bs on the sponsor saying no rehab. Tho, IMO, it doesn't matter much whether or not it's true that the sponsor said it. Just the fact that your AH is saying it shows he doesn't want to go...
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Old 12-13-2012, 06:51 AM
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I feel like I'm missing something here. He doesn't *have* to stay at your house does he? What's preventing you from changing the locks and telling him no?

I'm not trying to pressure you or be mean, and I understand you feel like he's pressuring you and threatening you, but is there a reason you can't say no?

What did the lawyer say?
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Old 12-13-2012, 07:02 AM
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The sponsor should only be concerned with sobreity. Bad mix for sponsor to be concerned with anyhing else and could move him steps back. The whole thing is ridiculous. Sorry your going through this
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:52 AM
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Just reread some of this.

Pippi - I don't know if he knows about or might learn about your involvement in SR but there are some things you never want to joke about in writing ever.

Say for example if someone said they wish their ex would just go ahead and do X. If X happens a reasonable person has to wonder if they were set up. In family courts it is amazing how often a spouse will have someone punch them right after an exchange and ten call the police to blame the ex.

So regardless of what he puts in writing (you can't control that) you can proactively send his attorney a note outlining what you have agreed to and specifically rejecting anything you want it known you do not agree to.

REMOVE ALL EMOTIONAL WORDS from said note.

Also, for 100 bucks you can get a micro camera with audio and video - this is a must of you suspect conflict may ensue. It allow you to document and helps remind you to keep your head.

Criminal attorneys see the worst of society on their best behavior, family law attorneys see the best of society on their worst behavior. Be smart. Lawyers attempt to make men appear dangerous and the counter is to make women look hysterical. Forget whether that is ethical as it doesn't matter - its just reality and you need to understand that :-)

Good judges look at which parent is more likely to include the other and be reasonable when deciding custody issues.
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Old 12-13-2012, 12:32 PM
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AH is a frighteningly intelligent and charming man and he has pretty much always gotten what he wants.
Your lawyer will have a solution to this. I don't know where you live, but in my part of the world, emotional and verbal abuse also qualifies as domestic abuse.
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