emeraldsea

Friends on SR,

Before you read this, I beg you to be gentle. I am so devastated. I know that the signs were there before. I know all the logical rational arguments. I get lectures in the outside world. I need help in here for the irrational and the emotional. RABF is now five months sober.

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I finally moved out into my own place on Nov 15th. By that time, we had moved through the breakup phase and "worked things out". The new normal was to be that we would be together, but he still felt like he needed to live alone in order to continue his recovery. This was a bit of a mind-f**k. He talked about wanting to be a good boyfriend to me, even as my move out day was looming.

So I moved. It was devastating to me. I felt erased, diminished, pushed aside. He helped me move, but couldn't really help me emotionally with the fallout.

The first weeks of living apart have been tumultuous. I have been distraught. I can't come to accept him as a boyfriend AND as someone who wants me out and no longer really seems to care about my feelings. His need to focus on recovery is clashing with his ability to have empathy.

We spent almost every night together, which probably added to the confusion. His mental health has been deteriorating due to anxiety and insomnia and depression. SO I've been worried about that too.

Last weekend we had a good time. We went to a museum on Saturday, then to dinner. We woke up Sunday and had breakfast and coffee. He was going off to a 12pm meeting and the plan was to meet up later for dinner and a movie. He has wanted to hang out with me almost all the time this week.

We spoke in the early evening. He sounded like he was struggling emotionally and physically. He said he felt like he was going crazy, that he was so upset by not sleeping well for several days, and he had such anxiety and generalized anger that he couldn't think. This was par for the course for the last week. He muttered that he wouldn't be good company that night. I said fine, let's just talk about what you can do tonight. He took a shower, called me back, and then went to the gym which was closely in 45 minutes and promised he would call when he got back, so we could make plans.

He never called. Just to confirm this was happening, I called at 10pm. No answer. I texted to make it easy for him, saying I assume you do not feel well enough to get together tonight, please let me know. And no reply.

So I am thrown back to where I was. The only condition that I imposed when we got back together in September was that he could not disappear like this again. I was thrust back into the place of panic and sense of abandonment. And this time, especially confusion, like why on an evening we were making plans, did he have to sabotage everything? I went to bed devastated. Stood up. Hating myself for believing him and hating him for knowingly disappearing when this was the one thing he had promised not to do.

He knows this so his doing just that in such an abrupt way, on a night where we had plans to have dinner and he said he would call me back in an hour after the gym, feels like deliberately sabotaging the relationship. It seems like he is backing me into a corner where he crosses the line so that I have to be the one to pull the plug.

No contact Monday. I was so depressed. On Tuesday morning, he sent an email. first contact since he disappeared on Sunday night when we were supposed to have dinner.

Bottom line: he is feeling that life is unimaginably difficult, that everything both big and small has been unraveling, that he is going crazy, that he has no idea how to proceed. Then he acknowledged that he has broken his promise to me, and had done so abruptly and without explanation. He said he feels utterly confused and miserable. Finally, he has he has wanted to call, but he can't put a thought together, and then ended it by saying he is very sorry and signed it "love."

I took two days to calm down enough to send a restrained email. I just wrote to acknowledge that I had received his note. I thanked him for sending any note at well and said I felt sorry that things had gotten so bad for him. Beyond that, I said, I didn't want to go into anything else over email.

(We had talked many times about how it is not ok to text when you should email, or email when you should call).

I haven't heard anything since I sent that last Thursday. It never occurred to me that he wouldn't come around eventually.

There was no breakup in his email nor was there a declaration that he needed to take time off to focus on his court case or his recovery. It was so ambiguous. YES, I know that I could end it with him over email.

Our first anniversary was supposed to be this Saturday. My heart is broken. I really cant imagine that this is our last contact. But do I just wait, no more contact? Or call it off via email ( I don't want to do this).

I had felt proud of myself for sending the terse email back. I didn't think that I would just never hear from him again. Now I am second guessing everything I have done. I am panicking that he will never talk to me again.

I am going to Al Anon, going to therapy, going to group therapy, leaning on friends.

But I am going crazy. I can't believe that he would end our relationship in such a dishonorable way. Am I supposed to read his email as a goodbye email? That is so insulting and horrible.

I don't want to go through our first anniversary with silence and not one word from him. That seems especially cruel. One friend suggested that I send an email saying that I need to speak to him within 2 or 3 days, and ask him which ones would work. That's a possibility.

Or do I just try to put him out of my mind and ignore him until and if he resurfaces? How do I live with the uncertainty?

SparkleKitty

Oh honey I am so sorry. Of course you are devastated. How confusing this all is.

I don't think any of us can interpret his email. But that phrase, how his "life has become unmanageable," is very haunting to me. It does not sound like he is anywhere near capable of understanding, much less communicating, what he needs and wants right now. It sounds like he is struggling to take care of himself. It must be incredibly daunting to try to take care of someone else's needs on top of that.

I am so sorry, again, that you have been so disappointed. I wish you strength and courage.

BoxinRotz

This is what I'm sensing too. He is newly sober and from what I've read, even 6-8 months in, they still experience turmoil. I would cut him some slack. I know you are hurting but he needs space. If he's not doing well himself, he certainly isn't going to be well enough to comfort and soothe you. He is obviously struggling.

I bet, though in time, he will come back to you. Even if it's just to say he's sorry and was in a bad place in his journey. He seems to be fighting for his sobriety right now and I can't imagine that being easy.

:ghug3

laurie6781

(((((emeraldsea)))))

I have to share with you that when I was 5 months sober I honestly did not know what I was doing, who I was, and if I had any emotions at all.

For a time I was seriously introducing myself at meetings like this:

"Hi my name is Scattered and I am an alcoholic."

Why because it felt like I was in 20,000 pieces and the pieces were all floating in the air around me and I had to pull them out of the air and paste them back on.

I am grateful that my dear friends and family stayed away and just watched my actions from afar.

This is the time for YOU to work on you. Keep going Alanon, and doing your one on one counseling with a therapist that specializes in addiction. There is a lot more to Alanon than just going to meetings, and the same with seeing a counselor, there is an awful lot of work on ourselves that we must do for us and some times it is very hard. However, working those steps with a sponsor can bring one through an awful lot of their own baggage and bring one to being able to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Going no contact would really be an asset to both of you.

There is no way that he is capable at this time of giving you any emotional support and in reality it would be better for him if the two of you were to go NO CONTACT for several months so he has a real chance at recovery.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. You know you can rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh here and no one will judge you.

Love and hugs,

jessiec

So sorry you are hurting, hon. I pray you have a positive resolution and peace soon.

Shadydeal

I am also sorry for your pain! It sounds like you've gotten some pretty good response and likely he is struggling! Try to take care of yourself!

redatlanta

I would cut him some slack too.

His problems of insomnia, confusion, and anxiety sound very familiar to me. While I am sure you are hurt that he wanted to separate I see it as (uncommon) an act of selflessness that he didn't wish to drag you down with his problems.

Sounds like a visit to the psychiatrist would benefit him greatly.

Nothing you can do here other than let him figure it out. Sorry you are feeling pushed aside its a normal feeling, but to be anchored to these kinds of issues is literally like being on a sinking ship.

Your anniversary may pass with no contact. You gotta realize when dealing with this level of depression and mental chaos right now he cannot do even the most menial of things - like texting or calling. Step back, step way back......wish him the best, send prayers his way and then continue with taking care of yourself.

Tuffgirl

emeraldsea, you have some choices here. First of all, it doesn't have to be viewed as last contact just because a few days have gone by. You can choose to view it as this guy needs some serious alone time instead. It doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship.

Secondly, you seem to have laid out some ideals for a relationship (the sentence about texting vs emailing vs talking in person), maybe now is a good time to just drop all expectations and have some patience that later on down the road, the time will come when he is in a better place to honor your relationship needs.

You can choose to spend time with him when its a good time, and stay out of his way when its not, knowing sometimes it may be you on the inconvenienced end of things.

You can also choose to simply tell him to call when and if he starts feeling better, and stay away from him for now. There is nothing wrong with saying you aren't in a place to be able to detach emotionally from his behavior and need some time for yourself too.

Unfortunately, everything he is saying and doing shows you he is not boyfriend material right now. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you and want to be with you over all, just doesn't have much to give right now. If you are ok with giving him some time, then work really hard on your patience and expectations.

So sorry you are hurting - I really thought "just quitting drinking" meant the return to the relationship I thought we were having. Turns out I was so very wrong about that. And for the first few months, it was excruciatingly painful. But it does get better! Hang in there,
~T

emeraldsea

Thanks so much everyone. The consensus seems to be that I should give him space and slack. That sounds very compassionate. I love the kindness in all your posts.

I do agree that his behavior not out of lack of care and love for me. Last week, I woke up in the night and he wasn’t in bed. So I walked out to the living room and found him sitting up in the dark, very sad. I asked what was going on, and he said, so full of despair, that he cares about me so much but he doesn’t know how to make things better. He said that he was wondering if this was even fair to ask me to go through all this.

I understand that the collective wisdom is that I should just let him be right now. But does that mean do absolutely nothing to be in touch? Do I just decide on my own that we are no contact? Stepping back means I just forget about him for now? Should I just assume that I have no boyfriend? Am I single? Do I contact him once to let him know that I care about him but am giving him the space he clearly needs?

Practically, I also have mail and some other stuff to get at his house, not sure how to proceed with that.

Ill write more later, but for now, I just wanted to say that waking up to these caring posts made this the best morning in weeks. Nowhere else would have given me that.

Thank you.

emeraldsea

Tuffgirl, thanks. I didn't see your suggestions until after I posted. Those are some helpful ideas. I appreciate the reminder of my choices now.

Tuffgirl

I would look at it as simply giving him space. Doesn't mean anything more than that. If it makes you feel better, tell him what you are doing and why. Tell him you don't know how to support him otherwise, and he is free to take as much time as he needs to work on himself, and you are going to be over there in your corner while he does. You love him, you are here for him, but you aren't going to expect anything from him or invade his space until he is ready for that.

I don't think its about imposing anything (no contact, breaking up officially, etc.). Its more about honoring his needs, while also living your own life and taking care of yourself.

tjp613

Do you have to know the answers to these questions today (or very, very soon)? Or can you just let it be for a week or two? Sending an email letting him know that YOU are taking time to think about YOUR needs would not be inappropriate.

emeraldsea

I suppose my impatience comes from panic which comes from feeling both totally powerless and in the dark. It feels like understanding what's happening would be helpful. But maybe that's asking for something impossible?

It's now been 11 days of silence (except for the email he sent). I feel stuck in limbo.

The panic and impatience comes in part because of that shock. One minute we were talking about seeing some movie and then casually got off the phone and promised to talk in an hour and then I never heard from him again. It's like someone left a party to go get a soda saying he would be back in five minutes and then he never comes back.

When his email "explaining things" arrived 48 hours later, it didn't really explain what was happening. I don't want to read between the lines, so I didn't want to read a breakup into an email that didn't say exactly that. He didn't say he wanted to take a break or needed some space either. So then every since then I was hoping some call or something would punctuate the silence. He's never been silent for so long before.

I didn't know what to expect, or even what was happening. I am not advanced enough in detachment to let it go immediately.

It is slowly sinking in that I likely won't hear from him any time soon.

I haven't known how to understand it in my own head. The responses to my first post were very helpful in reminding me how to see it from his perspective.

My friends are telling me to see it as a breakup at least for now. That he is showing that he can't do it right now. They remind me that he had broken up with me in late September when he was still living at the sober residence, saying that he couldn't be a good partner right now. Then over time we got back together, that he wanted to be with me and that he understood that his moods would rise and fall over time so he wouldn't get so freaked about it in the future. He said he thought that we could build on what we have. But from what I can see, his mental state is much worse now then before. So this does not come out of nowhere.

I feel such grief that I feel physically ill. It's like there has been a death in the family.

I don't know how to release all these feelings and detach. I understand the goal but I don't understand how you do this.

Tonight is an 11th Step meditation Alanon meeting. I have never been to one of those. SHould be helpful with all this, hopefully.

This post feels scattered. Hope it was intelligible at least a bit.

ODAT63

He acts like my XAH, we did that even after 17 years, dinner would be ready and he would be gone out the house without telling me....I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I don't have to deal with that rollercoaster of emotions again...and sobriety was not any better.
I know your pain...just take care of you, maybe go to al anon.

AlcoholicLove

Sadly, I know this feeling all too well.

When mine would disappear, he was with someone else (as I found out down the line)
When she would get angry with him, back he would come-and I would think THIS time it will be different-guess what, it never was. We did this song and dance for a very long time. I was one sick puppy when it came to him-he was my addiction, and I'm still working to get rid of it..

Not saying this is what your A is doing, but be fore warned-they make TERRIBLE relationship partners, for numerous reasons.
I honestly don't think an alcoholic can really love another person-that's just MY opinion, of course.....

Maylie

Take this time to focus on yourself and work on finding happiness without having to be in a romantic relationship.

It seems like he has been sending you a lot of signals that he is not okay lately. He kept communicating to you that he was unstable, devastated, and all over the place. He might have stopped responding because he is trying to figure out how to get things to fall into place in his life and worrying about being a good boyfriend and making plans was too much for him. When you feel hopeless and over taken with depression and anxiety getting up in the morning is a task, nevermind making plans to go out to dinner.

You want a normal relationship, and he is struggling to even keep his head above water. You are both at different places right now. You can take this as a break up or you can take this as a time for both of you to find your paths in life. Hopefully when he does contact you he is in a better place.

Him not responding doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but the most important thing is that you love yourself. I know you are hurting right now and you want answers but sometimes we have to just take a deep breath and roll with the punches.

Focus on you and let things fall into place.

hugs

Maylie

ZiggyB

I hate being in limbo too, so I would probably contact him and request an in-person conversation.

It does sound like he can't be the man you need right now. I would extend an offer of friendship but he needs to focus on himself for a while, I'm afraid. He is going through a lot. I know the periods in my life where I was feeling depressed and in lots of turmoil I would absolutely push away anyone who tried to get too close to me. Sometimes the chaos is just better dealt with alone.

emeraldsea

Thanks again, all.

It seems like there are two issues to separate out.

1) The relationship itself. I agree with people's thoughts and in my rational mind I know that having him as a boyfriend is not healthy or even viable right now. Forget about whether its even possible.

My heart does not like it. But my heart is also so wrapped up in him, and has been so consumed by him, that this feels like withdrawal.

Like so many others here, I thought recovery would be the beginning of a beautiful future. I knew it would be "rocky" but I didn't know what that could mean. I feel naive.

2)Whether or not to do anything to communicate(ie. contact him either by email or somehow) and if yes, what and when and how.

ZiggyB just brought up the idea of requesting an in person conversation. That was my original thought last weekend, when it had been a week of silence. I think I deserve that, but then again what I deserve seems to have no relation to what I can expect, so I should just forget that justification.

But I still think it's fair to at least ask for it. Maybe not immediately, because I have been sinking into my own depression (which predates him as a problem but definitely was brought on by this stress) and having a hard time not crying and getting out of bed. I don't know if talking to him would be better or worse for me. I can probably assume it would be worse right at this moment. He will say something about how he can't do this or he needs to focus on himself.

If he is going to say that he can never be with me, then I don't think I want to hear it right now. Or if he walked through the door saying he freaked out, but now all is better, that would clearly be absurd and unbelievable, so the end result would be the same. We cannot be a couple right now.

So the options for communicating are:

1) Don't write to him at all. Give him space and see if he ever contacts me again. Just try to heal for now.
2) Write to him to say something compassionate about realizing he is hurting and giving him space, but leaving open the door for him calling whenever he feels up to it.
3) Write to him both to say something compassionate and ALSO to request that we speak sometime soon, ie. before the holidays. Plan what I would want to convey beforehand.
4) if he doesn't want to speak, then I could send an email saying how I feel.

Muddled brain. I just feel anguish and I don't know what to do.

Maybe just let those options sit for awhile and see what seems right in a little bit?

He has his next custody court date on Friday, so I think I will not do anything until after that date. Of course the next day is our anniversary, so that will be loaded too.

Ugh, overthinking. I can feel the obsession coming back.

How do you get rid of the obsession? It follows me no matter what I am doing. It takes up space in my head.

Tuffgirl

Yes - sleep on it. Maybe for a few days. When the time is right, you'll know exactly what to do and it will feel right.

Stop obsessing....go do something else. Take a walk. Read a book. Watch a movie. Go out with friends. Volunteer. Take a class. Learn a new hobby. Visit old people in the nursing home. Go caroling!

Keep busy...it really is the best cure to obsessing.

fluffyflea

Is he on medication?Sounds like he needs something to clear his head. Doesn,t sound like this has anything to do withyou at all. If you can try and let it ride for a few days.