fluffyflea

EmeraldSea,

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU SO DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

When I take something personally that my S.O does then I fall into feeling like a VICTIM and I start to have feelings of HOPELESSNESS, HELPLESSNESS AND POWERLESSNESS.

Try to get on with YOUR life and take care of YOU. You are important too. Doesn't matter what he is doing or why he is doing, you need to live too.

StarCat

He's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it. It's what he does.

It's not your job to chase after him, this is your time to rediscover the wonderful person that is YOU. Too often we put ourselves aside or throw ourselves away in an attempt to fix their problems... His problems are his, and only he can decide whether or not he's going to change.

Katiekate

I'm sorry to disagree, it is personal, it's personal to anyone who has been on the receiving end of it. It not something that can be ignored and put up with over and over again, yes it's just something he does, he does it to someone who cares about him, he does it to someone who threatens his addcition.

We don't excuse that kind behavior from non addicts or non alcoholics, it's just like saying that broken arm or black eye wasn't personal.

It's personal, and something he has been getting away with for a long tiime, because he was drunk, or had a bad day, abusive actions are abusive no matter who they come from, and abuse is personal.

Tuffgirl

I agree with this above, but not in response to the other posters. I think folks here and trying to say its not about emeraldsea as a person and a reflection of her worth. There's a difference in those statements.

And I think the idea of having compassion is a good one, but it doesn't mean having to accept unacceptable behavior from anyone. It doesn't mean we can't have boundaries. It just means having compassion for a fellow human being.

Now all that said, I will share a story from my life. I was 31, he was ten years older than me. I had been divorced for about a year and a half, so feeling very vulnerable. He came into my life like a tornado; everything moved very fast. I was crazy about this guy! And then he vanished. Wouldn't respond to calls or emails. That lasted about a month, and one day, he popped up again. Ok, I can write this off the first time...he gave me a good story anyway...I wanted to be forgiving and such...and I really really liked him! Maybe even love at that point, albeit looking back now, a very dysfunctional love.

He vanishes again. This time leaving me hanging with my little girls in tow. I was humiliated this time. And I was ANGRY! And I drew the line right then and there. No one treats me this way. He never got another chance with me, but it was heart breaking at the time, and I felt for a long time that it meant something was wrong with me.

He popped up again about 6 months later, all contrite and full of even better stories. I told him off and blocked him from contacting me again. As far as I was concerned, he had flown his true colors and I wanted no part of that.

I look back on it now, 10 years later, and can see the obvious signs of an alcoholic, and see the pattern in myself of being attracted to this kind of man. And its a little horrifying, but at least now I have something identified that I can work on!

The point is - this is not uncommon behavior for addicts. It is abuse in the sense that its considered "silent treatment", but I don't believe it is personally directed at us. I think its them protecting their addictions and trying to manage it as best they can. I think its also partly blame...she MAKES me (insert behavior here)...and an attempt to remove themselves from what they think is the problem. I've seen that happen time and time again with other addicts now, trying to manage the addictions with people, places, and things.

emeraldsea, I don't believe you have heard the last of this guy. The question I would ask to you is when is enough enough? When are you going to draw the line and say this is unacceptable behavior, and don't come back this time (or next time)? Because if there is ONE thing I can look back on my own "runner" and see very clearly now, its a level of immaturity that I want no part of. Mature, responsible men don't just vanish. They step up and own their sh!t. And this time around, I am not settling for anything less than that.

P.S. Pelican also says a similar thing here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...37-helppp.html, only in far less words than me! ; )

emeraldsea

Thank you all for these responses. I'm running for a train, so I don't have time to write a post that will do it justice right now, but I am thinking through what you all say.

Mightyqueen801

Brava! Thank you so much for putting this into writing and saying it so clearly.

NYCDoglvr

Recovery is a process and a practice so don't be concerned that you can't immediately detach. What Alanon taught me is I'm powerless over people, places and things. You are powerless over what he does and you can't control outcomes. Addiction tells us we must have whatever we want NOW. Alanon led me to acceptance of this fact and peace of mind. I hope you go, it's tremendous support.