Please help...what to do with repeat vanishing act
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Take care of yourself sounds like anything you do at this point will be overwhelming to him and you probably won,t get anywhere. Give it a few days.
Originally Posted by emeraldsea 
Thanks again, all.
It seems like there are two issues to separate out.
1) The relationship itself. I agree with people's thoughts and in my rational mind I know that having him as a boyfriend is not healthy or even viable right now. Forget about whether its even possible.
My heart does not like it. But my heart is also so wrapped up in him, and has been so consumed by him, that this feels like withdrawal.
Like so many others here, I thought recovery would be the beginning of a beautiful future. I knew it would be "rocky" but I didn't know what that could mean. I feel naive.
2)Whether or not to do anything to communicate(ie. contact him either by email or somehow) and if yes, what and when and how.
ZiggyB just brought up the idea of requesting an in person conversation. That was my original thought last weekend, when it had been a week of silence. I think I deserve that, but then again what I deserve seems to have no relation to what I can expect, so I should just forget that justification.
But I still think it's fair to at least ask for it. Maybe not immediately, because I have been sinking into my own depression (which predates him as a problem but definitely was brought on by this stress) and having a hard time not crying and getting out of bed. I don't know if talking to him would be better or worse for me. I can probably assume it would be worse right at this moment. He will say something about how he can't do this or he needs to focus on himself.
If he is going to say that he can never be with me, then I don't think I want to hear it right now. Or if he walked through the door saying he freaked out, but now all is better, that would clearly be absurd and unbelievable, so the end result would be the same. We cannot be a couple right now.
So the options for communicating are:
1) Don't write to him at all. Give him space and see if he ever contacts me again. Just try to heal for now.
2) Write to him to say something compassionate about realizing he is hurting and giving him space, but leaving open the door for him calling whenever he feels up to it.
3) Write to him both to say something compassionate and ALSO to request that we speak sometime soon, ie. before the holidays. Plan what I would want to convey beforehand.
4) if he doesn't want to speak, then I could send an email saying how I feel.
Muddled brain. I just feel anguish and I don't know what to do.
Maybe just let those options sit for awhile and see what seems right in a little bit?
He has his next custody court date on Friday, so I think I will not do anything until after that date. Of course the next day is our anniversary, so that will be loaded too.
Ugh, overthinking. I can feel the obsession coming back.
How do you get rid of the obsession? It follows me no matter what I am doing. It takes up space in my head.
It seems like there are two issues to separate out.
1) The relationship itself. I agree with people's thoughts and in my rational mind I know that having him as a boyfriend is not healthy or even viable right now. Forget about whether its even possible.
My heart does not like it. But my heart is also so wrapped up in him, and has been so consumed by him, that this feels like withdrawal.
Like so many others here, I thought recovery would be the beginning of a beautiful future. I knew it would be "rocky" but I didn't know what that could mean. I feel naive.
2)Whether or not to do anything to communicate(ie. contact him either by email or somehow) and if yes, what and when and how.
ZiggyB just brought up the idea of requesting an in person conversation. That was my original thought last weekend, when it had been a week of silence. I think I deserve that, but then again what I deserve seems to have no relation to what I can expect, so I should just forget that justification.
But I still think it's fair to at least ask for it. Maybe not immediately, because I have been sinking into my own depression (which predates him as a problem but definitely was brought on by this stress) and having a hard time not crying and getting out of bed. I don't know if talking to him would be better or worse for me. I can probably assume it would be worse right at this moment. He will say something about how he can't do this or he needs to focus on himself.
If he is going to say that he can never be with me, then I don't think I want to hear it right now. Or if he walked through the door saying he freaked out, but now all is better, that would clearly be absurd and unbelievable, so the end result would be the same. We cannot be a couple right now.
So the options for communicating are:
1) Don't write to him at all. Give him space and see if he ever contacts me again. Just try to heal for now.
2) Write to him to say something compassionate about realizing he is hurting and giving him space, but leaving open the door for him calling whenever he feels up to it.
3) Write to him both to say something compassionate and ALSO to request that we speak sometime soon, ie. before the holidays. Plan what I would want to convey beforehand.
4) if he doesn't want to speak, then I could send an email saying how I feel.
Muddled brain. I just feel anguish and I don't know what to do.
Maybe just let those options sit for awhile and see what seems right in a little bit?
He has his next custody court date on Friday, so I think I will not do anything until after that date. Of course the next day is our anniversary, so that will be loaded too.
Ugh, overthinking. I can feel the obsession coming back.
How do you get rid of the obsession? It follows me no matter what I am doing. It takes up space in my head.
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Originally Posted by Earthworm
Is he on medication?Sounds like he needs something to clear his head. Doesn,t sound like this has anything to do withyou at all. If you can try and let it ride for a few days.
Experimenting with different drug combos lately has seemed to make things worse. Or at least his mental state is going downhill for some reason.
Because he is in recovery, he can't take certain meds, so his cocktail of meds is much more complicated and has had side effects that mess him up. His insomnia has not been much improved by the sleep meds they gave him. So he is constantly severely sleep deprived. When he would sleep over, he would have night sweats and terrible anxiety that would wake him up despite heavy sleep meds.
No one seems to know whether this is all due to the immense real world stress he is facing (all the problems he created while drinking now hitting him) or the meds themselves.
That was a long answer to an easy question. Yes he is taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist every week. The perfect combo is still elusive or perhaps nonexistent.
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Expectations vs boundaries?
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
you seem to have laid out some ideals for a relationship (the sentence about texting vs emailing vs talking in person), maybe now is a good time to just drop all expectations and have some patience that later on down the road, the time will come when he is in a better place to honor your relationship needs.
~T
~T
I thought that having boundaries meant that I would say what was ok and what was not. I didn't make an ultimatum, but I was strong enough that he promised not to do that again.
Are you saying that I can believe no promises that he makes?
Or that I was misguided to even try to establish some boundaries around what I could and couldn't deal with?
Or that it was fine to say that, but now that he is clearly such a mess that I can't expect that he can even honor his promises?
I guess I am confused about how to take care of myself when in a relationship with someone like this. And maybe how to treat someone in recovery going forward. He said he wanted to be held accountable for basic human etiquette, that he didn't want his recovery to be more important than me. So I thought I was giving him respect by not ignoring this issue.
I guess the point is that we both overestimated his capabilities, and that all this goes out the window when someone is feeling as horrible as he is?
Confused...
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OK, I am taking all of your wise suggestions: I am signing off to try to stop obsessing, taking a bath =, reading some Al anon literature and getting into bed. The basics.
Thanks for helping me get through this day! Coming here helps me keep going.
Thanks for helping me get through this day! Coming here helps me keep going.
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This is tough. I think he probably went into this with the best of intentions to be a part of this relationship and found it was too much for him. That is just what it sounds like to me.
As far as boundaries, expectations, ultimatums...a boundary is for you. It is a line you will not cross, not a line that you can necessarily count on him not crossing, if that makes sense. It is saying, "I will not be in a relationship with someone who disappears without contacting me for long stretches." What he does with that information is entirely up to him. And sadly, he might cross it. If he does and you continue to be in a relationship with him, then all that has been established is that the boundary is meaningless and was only intended to attempt to control his behavior. I am not saying you did that, just expressing my interpretation of how boundaries work. I welcome any clarification on that.
Exercise is great for working through obsessive thinking. Getting out of your head and into your body. I say that, of course, while lying on the couch watching Top Chef (also not a bad distraction from obsessive thinking...)
As far as boundaries, expectations, ultimatums...a boundary is for you. It is a line you will not cross, not a line that you can necessarily count on him not crossing, if that makes sense. It is saying, "I will not be in a relationship with someone who disappears without contacting me for long stretches." What he does with that information is entirely up to him. And sadly, he might cross it. If he does and you continue to be in a relationship with him, then all that has been established is that the boundary is meaningless and was only intended to attempt to control his behavior. I am not saying you did that, just expressing my interpretation of how boundaries work. I welcome any clarification on that.
Exercise is great for working through obsessive thinking. Getting out of your head and into your body. I say that, of course, while lying on the couch watching Top Chef (also not a bad distraction from obsessive thinking...)
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Update: two weeks later, 1st anniversary come and gone
Yesterday was supposed to be our 1st year anniversary. As some here had predicted, there was no word from him. It was not an easy day. I kept telling myself that it was a day like any other. But I was wondering if he remembered, and wondering if he remembered our plans for today?
I sat on my hands all day yesterday to keep from contacting him. And I didn't, which I suppose I should congratulate myself on. But I can't say I felt good about it. I just didn't feel as humiliated as I would have if I had called and not gotten an answer.
As a meditative thing, I thought of going back to the places we went on our first date. But I quickly realized that would be self-torture, not healing.
Instead, I just stayed home and wept. I feel asleep early and slept for 16 hours. I was glad to be unconscious.
Now today is exactly two weeks since we last saw each other and spoke. It's pretty clear that this is going to be the case for awhile
Everyone is telling me to forgive him or explaining away his behavior, and move on. They say I should not be angry at him, that he is struggling. And that for me this a new opportunity. Go back online and start dating again! I want to smash the phone down.
Because it feels like a death. And not a normal breakup kind of death, but something much deeper. I feel damaged and spent, like I poured my heart and soul into this and I am left with nothing.
His vanishing from my life like a poof made me feel like I had been erased. I keep thinking that the ambiguity of language in this email suggests it wouldn't be permanent. And now the constant suggestion from people to "focus on myself" feels like a further kind of exile into a barren wilderness. My self feels empty.
I think this is a sign of how disconnected I have become. I am depressed. I don't want to do anything. I want to lie in bed and cry. I don't care about my graduate work. Al Anon is helping me see my contributions to that.
I am embarrassed to say it, but it feels true, that this relationship felt like of source of energy and vitality to me, even as it was making me crazy. And now that it is not available to me, I am going mad in my own head.
Yes, I am doubling up on therapy, I take anti-depressants, and am getting more involved with Al Anon. I can't keep calling my friends because it will alienate them.
But for now all that help feels like throwing gifts down into a black hole. I guess I feel like a black hole. I feel sick in all ways from the grief.
I wish we could talk things through. But I'm trying to respect his obvious desire for distance. I just don't know if it will be a permanent silence or not. And that's killing me.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel so lost.
I sat on my hands all day yesterday to keep from contacting him. And I didn't, which I suppose I should congratulate myself on. But I can't say I felt good about it. I just didn't feel as humiliated as I would have if I had called and not gotten an answer.
As a meditative thing, I thought of going back to the places we went on our first date. But I quickly realized that would be self-torture, not healing.
Instead, I just stayed home and wept. I feel asleep early and slept for 16 hours. I was glad to be unconscious.
Now today is exactly two weeks since we last saw each other and spoke. It's pretty clear that this is going to be the case for awhile
Everyone is telling me to forgive him or explaining away his behavior, and move on. They say I should not be angry at him, that he is struggling. And that for me this a new opportunity. Go back online and start dating again! I want to smash the phone down.
Because it feels like a death. And not a normal breakup kind of death, but something much deeper. I feel damaged and spent, like I poured my heart and soul into this and I am left with nothing.
His vanishing from my life like a poof made me feel like I had been erased. I keep thinking that the ambiguity of language in this email suggests it wouldn't be permanent. And now the constant suggestion from people to "focus on myself" feels like a further kind of exile into a barren wilderness. My self feels empty.
I think this is a sign of how disconnected I have become. I am depressed. I don't want to do anything. I want to lie in bed and cry. I don't care about my graduate work. Al Anon is helping me see my contributions to that.
I am embarrassed to say it, but it feels true, that this relationship felt like of source of energy and vitality to me, even as it was making me crazy. And now that it is not available to me, I am going mad in my own head.
Yes, I am doubling up on therapy, I take anti-depressants, and am getting more involved with Al Anon. I can't keep calling my friends because it will alienate them.
But for now all that help feels like throwing gifts down into a black hole. I guess I feel like a black hole. I feel sick in all ways from the grief.
I wish we could talk things through. But I'm trying to respect his obvious desire for distance. I just don't know if it will be a permanent silence or not. And that's killing me.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel so lost.
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Emeraldsea, I am sorry...
I know how it feels to put so much time and energy into a relationship only to have it fail.
The other day my therapist told me: Just because a relationship failed doesn't mean you are a failure.
I wonder what else is going on here that needs to be addressed, if anything? You say you got a lot of energy from the relationship but you were also giving a lot. What if you took everything you were trying to give to him and give it back to yourself? I know it isn't the same, obviously we can get really lonely when there isn't another person around.
I have been trying to force myself to go out and do things. The other day I met two 80-year old ladies, one of them was a writer. They were both single and said the men die off earlier anyway, lol! They seemed to be perfectly happy as larks living alone and doing their own thing.
I'm sorry you have been feeling depressed. I get the same way sometimes. Right now you need to forget him for a while and focus on getting better.
I know how it feels to put so much time and energy into a relationship only to have it fail.
The other day my therapist told me: Just because a relationship failed doesn't mean you are a failure.
I wonder what else is going on here that needs to be addressed, if anything? You say you got a lot of energy from the relationship but you were also giving a lot. What if you took everything you were trying to give to him and give it back to yourself? I know it isn't the same, obviously we can get really lonely when there isn't another person around.
I have been trying to force myself to go out and do things. The other day I met two 80-year old ladies, one of them was a writer. They were both single and said the men die off earlier anyway, lol! They seemed to be perfectly happy as larks living alone and doing their own thing.
I'm sorry you have been feeling depressed. I get the same way sometimes. Right now you need to forget him for a while and focus on getting better.
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Emeraldsea,
Re-read this post you,ve answered your own questions. He,ll be back when he gets stabilzed on his meds
.Sometimes it,s hard and takes time to find the right med combo. Souns like he,s struggling.
[QUOTE=emeraldsea;3715895]Yes, since going into rehab, he has been working with a psychiatrist who also works as his therapist. He sees her weekly.
Experimenting with different drug combos lately has seemed to make things worse. Or at least his mental state is going downhill for some reason.
Because he is in recovery, he can't take certain meds, so his cocktail of meds is much more complicated and has had side effects that mess him up. His insomnia has not been much improved by the sleep meds they gave him. So he is constantly severely sleep deprived. When he would sleep over, he would have night sweats and terrible anxiety that would wake him up despite heavy sleep meds.
No one seems to know whether this is all due to the immense real world stress he is facing (all the problems he created while drinking now hitting him) or the meds themselves.
That was a long answer to an easy question. Yes he is taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist every week. The perfect combo is still elusive or perhaps nonexistent.[/QUOTE]
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Thanks Earthworm. I know he is struggling. But I am struggling too. That's why I come here. I am worried about myself and my reaction. I too have depression. I too have anxiety. Acknowledging that he is struggling doesn't take away my pain. I come here to ask for support for what I am going through.
Unfortunately, I don't attribute all his recent troubles to medication issues, and I don't think his disappearance is just about meds. I certainly can't anticipate that he will necessarily be back when the meds combo is settled on.
I wish so much that his behavior was that simple, and you may be right, but I just don't think I can put my faith in that outcome.
Anyway, as others have counseled, it is not about him and when he might pop back up. He might never come back. I have to figure out how to live regardless.
Right now it feels like hell.
Unfortunately, I don't attribute all his recent troubles to medication issues, and I don't think his disappearance is just about meds. I certainly can't anticipate that he will necessarily be back when the meds combo is settled on.
I wish so much that his behavior was that simple, and you may be right, but I just don't think I can put my faith in that outcome.
Anyway, as others have counseled, it is not about him and when he might pop back up. He might never come back. I have to figure out how to live regardless.
Right now it feels like hell.
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Stuck in grief
This sounds like a repeat of my first email on this thread, because I do feel like I am back to square one emotionally.
I never sent a heartfelt letter to RABF telling him that I was going to give him space, as some had suggested and I was considering. I got scared of a non-response and how bad that would feel.
What I did do this week was send him quick logistical email. I realized that some books from Amazon that I had ordered as Christmas presents were delivered to my old address, his apartment. I also have some mail that I really wanted to pick up before going away.
So on Wednesday, I sent a neutral email with the subject: "Request: picking up packages and mail. I said that I am leaving on Saturday for my home and would like to figure out a way to get his packages before I leave because they are Christmas presents that I want to bring with me. I said thanks, I would really appreciate it. That's it.
No reply. I don't understand. It feels like such a brutal act to turn your back on someone so completely, that you loved and relied on and depended on only a few days before. Maybe he is too upset with himself to see me or even write back.
Increasingly I feel that RABF is just gone forever. I don't know if that is right or wrong, because I have no information. But for now he doesn't want me in his life at all. Of course I also have no idea what's going on with him. He could have relapsed and gone back inpatient. I realized I was counting so much on the views that he needed space but would resurface.
I feel so ashamed that i am so stuck. But both my therapist and my prescriber said that from his initial email it sounded like he was not gone for good and would resurface. I suppose that still may be true, but it won't be now.
How do you not take things like this personally? I am trying and reading, but I feel consumed by the grief. It just seems so cruel. I guess I am banging my head against reality.
Acceptance is the goal, but I am trying to force myself into that too and it's not working.
I am so angry and disgusted with myself that I am still in this dark place. I can't call friends anymore because they basically tell me to snap out of it, that he's gone.
Any words of wisdom would help. I feel very isolated right now.
I never sent a heartfelt letter to RABF telling him that I was going to give him space, as some had suggested and I was considering. I got scared of a non-response and how bad that would feel.
What I did do this week was send him quick logistical email. I realized that some books from Amazon that I had ordered as Christmas presents were delivered to my old address, his apartment. I also have some mail that I really wanted to pick up before going away.
So on Wednesday, I sent a neutral email with the subject: "Request: picking up packages and mail. I said that I am leaving on Saturday for my home and would like to figure out a way to get his packages before I leave because they are Christmas presents that I want to bring with me. I said thanks, I would really appreciate it. That's it.
No reply. I don't understand. It feels like such a brutal act to turn your back on someone so completely, that you loved and relied on and depended on only a few days before. Maybe he is too upset with himself to see me or even write back.
Increasingly I feel that RABF is just gone forever. I don't know if that is right or wrong, because I have no information. But for now he doesn't want me in his life at all. Of course I also have no idea what's going on with him. He could have relapsed and gone back inpatient. I realized I was counting so much on the views that he needed space but would resurface.
I feel so ashamed that i am so stuck. But both my therapist and my prescriber said that from his initial email it sounded like he was not gone for good and would resurface. I suppose that still may be true, but it won't be now.
How do you not take things like this personally? I am trying and reading, but I feel consumed by the grief. It just seems so cruel. I guess I am banging my head against reality.
Acceptance is the goal, but I am trying to force myself into that too and it's not working.
I am so angry and disgusted with myself that I am still in this dark place. I can't call friends anymore because they basically tell me to snap out of it, that he's gone.
Any words of wisdom would help. I feel very isolated right now.
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As a recovering alcoholic I can say he's smart to put the focus only on himself. Early sobriety (especially the first six months) is very difficult. He's on an emotional roller coaster. Remember, it's a matter of life and death. You need him but he can't be there for you at this time. Maybe someday, maybe not. Try to let him go, do whatever he needs to do.
I've also been where you are now and it feels terrible. I'll pray for you. It helps to repeat this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. We have no power or control over other people, only ourselves. Lean into your sponsor, ask for help.
Here are a few things that may help: try fast walking. I promise you'll be in a very different place after walking briskly for 20 minutes or so. Stay out of your home (and isolation) as much as possible. Get as busy as possible ... I took all the books off bookshelves and dusted them, it took hours. I painted a room. I understand your feelings completely and I also know this too will pass. Acceptance is a process and it takes time. Do you have an Alanon sponsor? That's the right person to vent to.
I'm both an alcoholic and codependent. I know codependent is alcoholism without the booze.
I've also been where you are now and it feels terrible. I'll pray for you. It helps to repeat this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. We have no power or control over other people, only ourselves. Lean into your sponsor, ask for help.
Here are a few things that may help: try fast walking. I promise you'll be in a very different place after walking briskly for 20 minutes or so. Stay out of your home (and isolation) as much as possible. Get as busy as possible ... I took all the books off bookshelves and dusted them, it took hours. I painted a room. I understand your feelings completely and I also know this too will pass. Acceptance is a process and it takes time. Do you have an Alanon sponsor? That's the right person to vent to.
I'm both an alcoholic and codependent. I know codependent is alcoholism without the booze.
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Emeraldsea
was the reason you sent that email, just to get a response? were those things of urgent nature?
i too know how painful it is to be in this situation where the person you love and care for just disappears. but your bf is doing what is best for him. i know that is not what is best for you, and i understand how heartbreaking that is to just be ignored, but give him space and understanding.
everything in your posts reminds me of how i use to be. now i can see how much of a codependent i was. my whole day was spent thinking about someone else, analysing every conversation, every email, every text, every thought. trying to come up with a solution of them not talking to me, and how i could change that. what i neeeded to to change in order for that person to love and want me again. at no point did i just accept that right now was not the right time for them and me. that i didnt have to stop living my life when they werent in it. that i could be happy while they were not there. that my EVERY thought didnt have to contain them. that i didnt HAVE to know the answer to EVERY one of my questions right then and there.
im not saying you are codependent, but maybe have a look into it. codependency and addiction often walk hand in hand. there is a lot of info on this site about it. it might give you something else to think about that is more about yourself, than your bf.
i know it is tough at the moment, but for now, id give him a lot of space, and live your life the way you want. work on yourself. do nice things. go out with your friends (and dont talk about him), just have some fun. and if he does contact you at some time in the future when he is feeling a lot stronger, and ready to be in a relationship, and you still feel the same about him, then you both will be in a lot better position for a healthy relationship. if he never does, then you haven't wasted any time living the life you want.
hope it turns out for you. i know i feel a lot stronger in myself now.
was the reason you sent that email, just to get a response? were those things of urgent nature?
i too know how painful it is to be in this situation where the person you love and care for just disappears. but your bf is doing what is best for him. i know that is not what is best for you, and i understand how heartbreaking that is to just be ignored, but give him space and understanding.
everything in your posts reminds me of how i use to be. now i can see how much of a codependent i was. my whole day was spent thinking about someone else, analysing every conversation, every email, every text, every thought. trying to come up with a solution of them not talking to me, and how i could change that. what i neeeded to to change in order for that person to love and want me again. at no point did i just accept that right now was not the right time for them and me. that i didnt have to stop living my life when they werent in it. that i could be happy while they were not there. that my EVERY thought didnt have to contain them. that i didnt HAVE to know the answer to EVERY one of my questions right then and there.
im not saying you are codependent, but maybe have a look into it. codependency and addiction often walk hand in hand. there is a lot of info on this site about it. it might give you something else to think about that is more about yourself, than your bf.
i know it is tough at the moment, but for now, id give him a lot of space, and live your life the way you want. work on yourself. do nice things. go out with your friends (and dont talk about him), just have some fun. and if he does contact you at some time in the future when he is feeling a lot stronger, and ready to be in a relationship, and you still feel the same about him, then you both will be in a lot better position for a healthy relationship. if he never does, then you haven't wasted any time living the life you want.
hope it turns out for you. i know i feel a lot stronger in myself now.
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I'm sorry, recovery or not, I would take it personally, because it is personal.
Recovery or not, alcoholics, recovering alcoholics do not get a free pass to be rude.
There is no reason that some arrangement could not be made for you to get your stuff.
Something is going on, perhaps he doesn't want to be involved anymore, perhaps he has relapsed, I say this because , honey, there is no excuse what so ever for you to have to bare this kind of treatment, it's rude and abusive. The silent treatment is a form of abuse, I dealt with it for a very long time and it is very damagaing to try and figure out what someone else is thinking. Its down right rude and abusive , there is no sugar coating it, there is no reason whatsoever that if he could not deal with communicating with you becuase he is struggling while recovering that he could at the very least have someone else reach out to you and make an arrangement for you to get your stuff, without having to see you or talk to you if that was upsetting for him
He is abusive and rude. i'm sorry if this is harsh, it's totally what I see.
Recovery or not, alcoholics, recovering alcoholics do not get a free pass to be rude.
There is no reason that some arrangement could not be made for you to get your stuff.
Something is going on, perhaps he doesn't want to be involved anymore, perhaps he has relapsed, I say this because , honey, there is no excuse what so ever for you to have to bare this kind of treatment, it's rude and abusive. The silent treatment is a form of abuse, I dealt with it for a very long time and it is very damagaing to try and figure out what someone else is thinking. Its down right rude and abusive , there is no sugar coating it, there is no reason whatsoever that if he could not deal with communicating with you becuase he is struggling while recovering that he could at the very least have someone else reach out to you and make an arrangement for you to get your stuff, without having to see you or talk to you if that was upsetting for him
He is abusive and rude. i'm sorry if this is harsh, it's totally what I see.
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Hi-
I'm sorry you didn't get a response... I guess this is why people suggest NC because most likely you will not get a reply or if you do, it could be a hostile and angry one. I am sorry about your Christmas presents.
It is difficult to not take the things they do and say personally. But I don't think the things an alcoholic does makes very much sense to anyone. If I was you I would assume he is not coming back and you should get on with the business of greiving the relationship and putting it all behind you.
I'm sorry you didn't get a response... I guess this is why people suggest NC because most likely you will not get a reply or if you do, it could be a hostile and angry one. I am sorry about your Christmas presents.
It is difficult to not take the things they do and say personally. But I don't think the things an alcoholic does makes very much sense to anyone. If I was you I would assume he is not coming back and you should get on with the business of greiving the relationship and putting it all behind you.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Katiekate
I'm sorry, recovery or not, I would take it personally, because it is personal.
Recovery or not, alcoholics, recovering alcoholics do not get a free pass to be rude.
There is no reason that some arrangement could not be made for you to get your stuff.
Something is going on, perhaps he doesn't want to be involved anymore, perhaps he has relapsed, I say this because , honey, there is no excuse what so ever for you to have to bare this kind of treatment, it's rude and abusive. The silent treatment is a form of abuse, I dealt with it for a very long time and it is very damagaing to try and figure out what someone else is thinking. Its down right rude and abusive , there is no sugar coating it, there is no reason whatsoever that if he could not deal with communicating with you becuase he is struggling while recovering that he could at the very least have someone else reach out to you and make an arrangement for you to get your stuff, without having to see you or talk to you if that was upsetting for him
He is abusive and rude. i'm sorry if this is harsh, it's totally what I see.
Recovery or not, alcoholics, recovering alcoholics do not get a free pass to be rude.
There is no reason that some arrangement could not be made for you to get your stuff.
Something is going on, perhaps he doesn't want to be involved anymore, perhaps he has relapsed, I say this because , honey, there is no excuse what so ever for you to have to bare this kind of treatment, it's rude and abusive. The silent treatment is a form of abuse, I dealt with it for a very long time and it is very damagaing to try and figure out what someone else is thinking. Its down right rude and abusive , there is no sugar coating it, there is no reason whatsoever that if he could not deal with communicating with you becuase he is struggling while recovering that he could at the very least have someone else reach out to you and make an arrangement for you to get your stuff, without having to see you or talk to you if that was upsetting for him
He is abusive and rude. i'm sorry if this is harsh, it's totally what I see.
Everyone seems to urging me to have compassion for him, I feel guilty for being angry and hurt. I have been trying to cultivate compassion for him. Yet this seems like mental cruelty. It is a variation of the disappearing act in the middle of our conversation and the ambiguous email. It's all silent treatment, which he admitted is the worst thing you can do.
I know I have to move on for myself. I know. But I am tired of feeling that my pain means I dont understand how much he is struggling. I feel like I've been getting messages both here and from friends that seem to let him off the hook.
Why should I have to slowly realize that he has cut me out of his life? He has wiped me out entirely, but silently.
He himself always said that he didn't want to get a free pass for recovery. But when it's in the moment, he just does whatever.
But now that I think about it more, I have seen him shut people out like this throughout our relationship. This is MO.
When I was living with him last spring, and he was going rapidly downhill, his mom was desperately trying to get in touch with him. She sent emails, she called, she even started stopping by unannounced. He thought she was stalking him, and I got annoyed with it too. But then she got so worried that she started sending ME emails asking me to tell him to call her. And he told me not to reply to her emails.
I now realize that this was a mom terrified for her son, and he just shut her out until he was ready to deal with her.
And when he went off to rehab, he didn't tell his few friends in town that he was going away. So he just dropped off the face of the planet. He made some friends in rehab whom he talked about as being friends--that I would meet them--and then he got annoyed and just stopped returning their phone calls.
I can't reconcile how much love he showed me just recently with ignoring me now. It makes my head spin and my heart hurt.
Today I told my therapist who specializes in addictions about this latest lack of response re Christmas presents. She has been normally pretty calm about the whole thing, saying that he would come back and that it was an ambiguous email. To this, she just replied, That is just so rude!
Anyway, thank you Katiekate, for giving voice to what has been lurking in my brain. Not harsh at all. I actually feel better, because I am now validated in my feelings that something is off here.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Posts: 94
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Hi-
I'm sorry you didn't get a response... I guess this is why people suggest NC because most likely you will not get a reply or if you do, it could be a hostile and angry one. I am sorry about your Christmas presents.
It is difficult to not take the things they do and say personally. But I don't think the things an alcoholic does makes very much sense to anyone. If I was you I would assume he is not coming back and you should get on with the business of greiving the relationship and putting it all behind you.
I'm sorry you didn't get a response... I guess this is why people suggest NC because most likely you will not get a reply or if you do, it could be a hostile and angry one. I am sorry about your Christmas presents.
It is difficult to not take the things they do and say personally. But I don't think the things an alcoholic does makes very much sense to anyone. If I was you I would assume he is not coming back and you should get on with the business of greiving the relationship and putting it all behind you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
i dont think anyone thinks his behaviour is acceptable Emerald. its just pointless to get upset as you wont get the support you need or deserve. he is either relapsing or embracing recovery, both are which are very solitary and self absorbing things for many.
if getting angry and upset helps you, feel free, but if you think it will get a response from him, you will end up more hurt. i know i have been there. i tended to just keep pushing until i got ANY response. this guy never cared or saw that his non response was causing me so much pain and anguish. a the end of the day, if i had just accept that right now this person was unable to support me the way i needed and deserved i would have saved myself a lot of hurt and wasted time thinking about him and me and how things went wrong and how he was doing me wrong and how i deserved to be treated better. which was true, but it also was not up to him to treat me better, it was up to me to surround myself with people who would treat me the way i deserved. getting upset with them seemed to give them a reason to justify their stance. be it a logical justification or not. they seemed to know when i was just trying different tacts to get a response.
i hope you find some peace soon. you seem like a very sensitive and sweet person.
if getting angry and upset helps you, feel free, but if you think it will get a response from him, you will end up more hurt. i know i have been there. i tended to just keep pushing until i got ANY response. this guy never cared or saw that his non response was causing me so much pain and anguish. a the end of the day, if i had just accept that right now this person was unable to support me the way i needed and deserved i would have saved myself a lot of hurt and wasted time thinking about him and me and how things went wrong and how he was doing me wrong and how i deserved to be treated better. which was true, but it also was not up to him to treat me better, it was up to me to surround myself with people who would treat me the way i deserved. getting upset with them seemed to give them a reason to justify their stance. be it a logical justification or not. they seemed to know when i was just trying different tacts to get a response.
i hope you find some peace soon. you seem like a very sensitive and sweet person.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I have been trying to cultivate compassion for him.
If you can, try to cultivate compassion for yourself.
Your recovery is most important right now.
The only way I could get better myself was to cut off all commumication, meaning not contacting him , if I did, and got no response the pain was increased. If he contacts you, try not to read it, whatever it is , it will lead to more hurt.
You can have compassion for him and not be in his life. Hand it over.
It's your time honey.
Katie xo
If you can, try to cultivate compassion for yourself.
Your recovery is most important right now.
The only way I could get better myself was to cut off all commumication, meaning not contacting him , if I did, and got no response the pain was increased. If he contacts you, try not to read it, whatever it is , it will lead to more hurt.
You can have compassion for him and not be in his life. Hand it over.
It's your time honey.
Katie xo
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