4444lost

I want to talk to my spouse about his drinking but it always ends in a fight.Is it because not ready yet? or the way I say it

suki44883

It's really useless to try talking to an active alcoholic. You might as well be talking to your vacuum cleaner.

4444lost

sorry for the angry terms but I am angry now, We went to dinner the fist time is 4 or 5 years and we beat our party there all sober pepole and one is a recovering alcholic, slams a beer before we leave then we sit at the resterant to wait for the rest or table to be ready, the only words said was lets go to the bar for drinks, I said wait we went to table 1st,ordered a drink before sitting down, got home in half hour had downed 4 beers that was mine sign to go to bed, got up this morning to find 12 more beers gone 12 how does some drink 12 in 2 or 3 hours.

BruceJ

Unfortunately, there really isn't anything a spouse/partner can do except to take care of yourself and/or remove yourself from the situation.
Have you looked into the Alanon program? They can teach you some personal boundaries that will help, no matter what happens.

All the best.

4444lost

thats what i am hearing when asking how to talk to an alcoholic, just give up , words are useless, action do speak louder than words so there has to be away to help other than becoming selfish, and only think of your self.

soberlicious

Rational Recovery also addresses loved ones of the addicted. Worth reading anyway...

ElleElle

The best way is to stay away from the person and not anger them as this will be a reason to have them drink more. (Speaking from experience). Once sober, maybe ask the person if there is anything you can do to support this disease. And once again, you cannot "help" someone unless they want to help themselves. This goes for any addiction. ie: gambling, food etc.

MsPINKAcres

Lost ~ taking the focus off of your loved ones & looking for help for yourself is not selfish ~ it is accepting the things you cannot change & changing the things you can ~

For me, I learned I could not MAKE another person do anything - but I could seek a way to help my home become a more peaceful place, I could step back and allow my loved ones to find their own dignity, self-respect and self-respect to find their own way to a better way of life ~

That is the most loving selfless gift I can give anyone ~ including myself.

Keep coming back, seeking answers for you ~ there are miracles to experience and you deserve them ~

pink hugs,

Dee74

Great advice here

I moved your thread 4444lost.
I think you'll get even more feedback here

D

BoxinRotz

I get more headway with AH when he's sober. When he's drunk and I utter the word *vodka* it's on like DONKEY KONG!

When they are drunk, they are not listening and they do not care to hear anything unless you are offering to take him to get more. They have one thing and one thing only on their mind and it's alcohol and anyone that gets in their way, is in their way.

Wait until he's sober is my advice to you.

thislonelygirl

How do you talk to a drunk?
You dont but if you have to....just nod and smile

Rosiepetal

If he doesn't want to change he's not going to listen, sorry.

dollydo

I've been trying to talk to my alcoholic mother for over 60 years, here is where I am today

jessiec

He's using the anger as a method of control -- he doesn't want to hear it from you. And it's working.

What you are doing (trying to talk to him) isn't working. He's not ready. He may not ever be ready.

choublak

You don't.

DoubleBarrel

What the others have said.
First try it out on your dog. Tailor your speech based on the dogs written response.

Source: over twenty years as an active alcoholic.

jessiec

Dear 444, I kept thinking about something you said and wanted to add ...

It's not about being selfish. It's about not banging your head up against a wall. It's about not agonizing over something you can't control (like the weather, the stock market, gravitational pull). You can't do this for him -- he (with his Higher Power) has to do it. But you can and must take care of you.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I bolded a few words from your first post. You have your answer. You keep trying to reach him with your words, but you keep getting the same reaction.

I have heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I believe that to be true. I kept trying to reason with my alcoholic husband. I kept trying to convince him his drinking was an issue and I tried crying, pleading, manipulating, nagging and finally I tried screaming (once). I got the same results that you are currently getting, and as a bonus for my efforts I became a hot mess.

I finally showed him with my actions. I left with our children after another drunken binge that included driving while intoxicated, lying and loss of body functions.

My AH got sober for a while after I filed for divorce. He even got a sponsor because he wanted to get his family back. It looked good for a while. At some point he started drinking again. Turns out alcohol was his priority in life, we were just options.

editted to add: Currently he still drinks and lies. My children and I have moved on to life peaceful, happy lives without the drama.

m1k3

Hi 444lost, I'm sorry to say that I don't know of any way for you to talk to your spouse about his drinking. I never figured out a way to talk to mine and as you can see there are many other people here who were or are in the same boat. One thing I did learn here about my wife's drinking was the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

The one thing I could do was start taking care of myself. I also felt this was selfish on my part but the reality was it was the only thing I had any control over.

Please keep reading here because we are people who understand and care. I have been where you are and know what it is like to live in an environment where you see someone you love so much destroying their lives. For me the really sad part was accepting that she didn't care and there was nothing I could do about it.

Your friend,

jamaicamecrazy

So he knows you think he drinks too much? You have expressed that already? Then that is all you can do. Also, think about the motivation you have for talking. Do you really think anything you will say will make him want to change? I kept thinking if I said the right words at the right time or if he heard it from the right person it would get him to change. So far he has heard it from every members of his family, doctor's, social workers...he is not ready. However, you may want to think about expressing your own personal boundaries about when he is drinking. Making "I" statements about how you are going to protect yourself and be ready to follow through with those statements. I found it is best to do this when they are sober and you can do it from a place of compassion -for yourself and him. Good luck!