The chances are slim this will last - right?? Feeling my codie-self today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
The chances are slim this will last - right?? Feeling my codie-self today.
Hello all,
This weekend marked the first unsupervised visits between my STBAXH and our boys. The visits came on the heels (Friday) of reaching an agreement on a protection order governing his contact with me for the next 2 years. It was a great relief not to go to trial.
The 8 hour visits on Saturday and Sunday appeared to go very well. Both of my boys seemed to have a good time and there were no negative reports.
My question is, for those of you who've been through this or witnessed this, what are the chances this will last?
He comes from a family of alcoholics and his drinking obviously got bad enough for him to lose just about everything, family, friends, jobs, etc....
My logical mind is telling me that - of course it went well because this is a critical time in our divorce process and he must be on his best behavior. A mis-step now would look terrible for him. My emotional side is hopeful that this is possibly a new beginning.
In our addict/co-dependent cycle during 14 years of marriage, it would only take one display of good behavior for me to forgive him and hope that things were really changing. Of course, I was disappointed over and over again as we repeated our cycle.
I'm fighting feelings of guilt tody - doubting my decision almost 6 months ago to call the police and then get a protection order. Feel badly for him and how difficult things must be for him right now. This is just my codie self right?
The likelihood that his destructive alcoholic behavior is really behind us is probably slim right? He has not taken part in any recovery program. I need the realism and cynicism of those who've been through it. I need some treatment for these codie symptoms.
MamaKit
This weekend marked the first unsupervised visits between my STBAXH and our boys. The visits came on the heels (Friday) of reaching an agreement on a protection order governing his contact with me for the next 2 years. It was a great relief not to go to trial.
The 8 hour visits on Saturday and Sunday appeared to go very well. Both of my boys seemed to have a good time and there were no negative reports.
My question is, for those of you who've been through this or witnessed this, what are the chances this will last?
He comes from a family of alcoholics and his drinking obviously got bad enough for him to lose just about everything, family, friends, jobs, etc....
My logical mind is telling me that - of course it went well because this is a critical time in our divorce process and he must be on his best behavior. A mis-step now would look terrible for him. My emotional side is hopeful that this is possibly a new beginning.
In our addict/co-dependent cycle during 14 years of marriage, it would only take one display of good behavior for me to forgive him and hope that things were really changing. Of course, I was disappointed over and over again as we repeated our cycle.
I'm fighting feelings of guilt tody - doubting my decision almost 6 months ago to call the police and then get a protection order. Feel badly for him and how difficult things must be for him right now. This is just my codie self right?
The likelihood that his destructive alcoholic behavior is really behind us is probably slim right? He has not taken part in any recovery program. I need the realism and cynicism of those who've been through it. I need some treatment for these codie symptoms.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Don't fret it, Mama, you know in your head AND heart what is the right plan for you and your children. You did what you had to do, when you needed to do it. Please don't second-guess that.. Cut yourself some slack.
Peace,
C-OH Dad
Peace,
C-OH Dad
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hang tough, MamaKit.
I think this good behavior, whether temporary or not, is probably BECAUSE you called the police and got the protective order. A consequence of your actions to protect yourself and your sons, NOT proof that your actions were wrong and unwarranted. That kind of thinking is upside down.
At some point last summer, after I'd left my AH and filed for divorce, the same thoughts came to me - was I wrong, was I hurting him, did I precipitate all this, should I go back?
My psychiatrist said "This marriage is bankrupt. That is why you left. In a year if he's changed radically, you might want to think about getting back together. But this marriage is bankrupt."
So, let's hope and pray, and we here on SR will, that this is the beginning of the light for your husband.
In the meantime, what was helpful to me was to stick to the rational decision that I left him because of his abusive alcoholism and I was not going back. You might want to put a time frame on it: don't even consider re-uniting for 6 months or a year. That is to protect your emotional fragility and to give you time to sort out who owns all that bad behavior, and get your sites set clearly on working your own side of the street.
I find that the emotional seesawing - which I do way too much, still, after 5 months gone - is just something that happens, but I have not let it change my decision to leave which I know was rational and necessary.
And in my case, I now know I am gone for good. Huge amount of grief, especially during the holidays, but I have to move on and build a new life, little bit by little bit.
ShootingStar1
I think this good behavior, whether temporary or not, is probably BECAUSE you called the police and got the protective order. A consequence of your actions to protect yourself and your sons, NOT proof that your actions were wrong and unwarranted. That kind of thinking is upside down.
At some point last summer, after I'd left my AH and filed for divorce, the same thoughts came to me - was I wrong, was I hurting him, did I precipitate all this, should I go back?
My psychiatrist said "This marriage is bankrupt. That is why you left. In a year if he's changed radically, you might want to think about getting back together. But this marriage is bankrupt."
So, let's hope and pray, and we here on SR will, that this is the beginning of the light for your husband.
In the meantime, what was helpful to me was to stick to the rational decision that I left him because of his abusive alcoholism and I was not going back. You might want to put a time frame on it: don't even consider re-uniting for 6 months or a year. That is to protect your emotional fragility and to give you time to sort out who owns all that bad behavior, and get your sites set clearly on working your own side of the street.
I find that the emotional seesawing - which I do way too much, still, after 5 months gone - is just something that happens, but I have not let it change my decision to leave which I know was rational and necessary.
And in my case, I now know I am gone for good. Huge amount of grief, especially during the holidays, but I have to move on and build a new life, little bit by little bit.
ShootingStar1
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
He can worry about what is best for HIM. His actions have landed him where he is today.
You are responsible, as the sane sober parent, for your well-being and the well-being of your children. You are a good mom!
Keep your focus on yourself and your children. Let him take care of his feelings.
You are responsible, as the sane sober parent, for your well-being and the well-being of your children. You are a good mom!
Keep your focus on yourself and your children. Let him take care of his feelings.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
MamaKit, I feel like we are living the same nightmare. I had my AH of 11 yrs served with a PFA last week and had him evicted from HIS house.I just could not take another day. Also have two children together. He also is on his best behavior. Hasnt had a drink since, wants ti go to AA, wants us to be happy, blah, blah, blah. I have heard this soooo many times before, the only difference this time..... He had to leave everything that belonged to him. I also am feeling guilt, did I make a mistake??? But then I sit and think, did he care how I was feeling after everything that he did to me? NO!! I can not worry about his feelings anymore. He now needs to suffer just like I have had to do soooo many times. It is not easy at all, especially with kids but we need to stay strong and let them decide their road of life. Please take care and do not give in.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It was one experience...
...one time. And that's the evidential (made up word?) value it has-- no more, no less. On the other hand, you have tons and tons and tons and tons of evidence that suggests that in the long run you can depend on a specific set of behaviors from him.
Please consider deferring any projections, assumptions, and decisions until both types of evidence are at least somewhat equal.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Please consider deferring any projections, assumptions, and decisions until both types of evidence are at least somewhat equal.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Thank you all for your replies. It's a difficult thing to brace for the worst when it comes to someone you hoped to love and cherish for the rest of your life. It feels unnatural. Then, when they don't behave in that awful way you envisioned but hoped would never happen - in almost confirms that "unnatural" sense.
I think whenever I have these doubts - it's really grief. I've learned that from past responses to my posts. I've yet to really let myself grieve the loss of my marriage and the dreams I had for my life. I've been busy creating new dreams but the ones that have been lost are still hanging broken around my neck. The fact that it is the holiday season magnifies all of this.
I will accept this weekend for what it was - good visit between my boys and their father. I will be grateful. I will give this process the time and level-headed evaluation it deserves.
MyFreedom, we are indeed on very similar paths. I am standing beside you on this journey, wishing you continued strength.
Again, thank you all for your responses - you never fail to get me back on track and help me from feeling alone.
Love and hugs,
MamaKit
I think whenever I have these doubts - it's really grief. I've learned that from past responses to my posts. I've yet to really let myself grieve the loss of my marriage and the dreams I had for my life. I've been busy creating new dreams but the ones that have been lost are still hanging broken around my neck. The fact that it is the holiday season magnifies all of this.
I will accept this weekend for what it was - good visit between my boys and their father. I will be grateful. I will give this process the time and level-headed evaluation it deserves.
MyFreedom, we are indeed on very similar paths. I am standing beside you on this journey, wishing you continued strength.
Again, thank you all for your responses - you never fail to get me back on track and help me from feeling alone.
Love and hugs,
MamaKit
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
