I am Feeling so Jealous and in shock.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I am Feeling so Jealous and in shock.
Its been so hard for me today not to contact STBXAH. I know that everytime I contact him he puts the phone down on me or sends me a nasty email Yet I am longing to have contact with him, for him to talk to me , be nice to me - things he has not done for ages! And on top of that I keep on imagining him being so loving and tender to new GF it's driving me mad!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
IMO, sometimes it is as simple as facing the truth, it's over. You are playing "Let's pretend" and that mindset is holding you back.
I was told by a very wise person, that relationships only last as long as they're needed. Some are blessings, some are lessons, some were a combination of both. You do not know what his current relationship is really about, you never will know, all you really know is that your relationship with him has run it's course, make the past with him a guidepost, not a hitching post...life is what you make it...if needed, get some therapy to help you move forward to a happier place.
Sending my best your way!
I was told by a very wise person, that relationships only last as long as they're needed. Some are blessings, some are lessons, some were a combination of both. You do not know what his current relationship is really about, you never will know, all you really know is that your relationship with him has run it's course, make the past with him a guidepost, not a hitching post...life is what you make it...if needed, get some therapy to help you move forward to a happier place.
Sending my best your way!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
cr995
You already are what you are looking for. All the love and attention you crave, you have it in abundance, you just need to allow yourself to receive it. Talk to yourself nicely, love yourself / how can you show appreciation for YOU? start a love affair with yourself. (I just read that chapter from "Codependent no more" -it's great-). Its normal to wonder and imagine a love story- why subject yourself to that? its not true anyway. Why torture yourself further?
I suffered for months with jealousy and hurt, it was not worth it. I was longing for an active addict/emotional abuser/probably narcissistic person. Now I know I am used to chaos and despair, feelings from childhood.
As MB says, we can listen to the little kid within, realize her needs, tend to them and remember we are not only that hurt/needy part but adults who are very capable of taking care of ourselves in a complete way.
Really SEE the 'trophy' /remember the really bad moments/ know that he is the same person. You know better now and can't be fooled. Perhaps this GF will be a SR newcomer arriving in as bad a state as we all arrive, heartbroken.
Anyone in the path of an alcoholic deserves compassion, no one deserves the pain they will face sooner or later, at first buying their excellent act. It can stand for so long / the truth always comes to the surface.
I am glad he is a STBX, its a mourning process and when I mourned an XABF it took a huge toll but the lessons were worth it. It gets much better.
Hugs. :ghug3
You already are what you are looking for. All the love and attention you crave, you have it in abundance, you just need to allow yourself to receive it. Talk to yourself nicely, love yourself / how can you show appreciation for YOU? start a love affair with yourself. (I just read that chapter from "Codependent no more" -it's great-). Its normal to wonder and imagine a love story- why subject yourself to that? its not true anyway. Why torture yourself further?
I suffered for months with jealousy and hurt, it was not worth it. I was longing for an active addict/emotional abuser/probably narcissistic person. Now I know I am used to chaos and despair, feelings from childhood.
As MB says, we can listen to the little kid within, realize her needs, tend to them and remember we are not only that hurt/needy part but adults who are very capable of taking care of ourselves in a complete way.
Really SEE the 'trophy' /remember the really bad moments/ know that he is the same person. You know better now and can't be fooled. Perhaps this GF will be a SR newcomer arriving in as bad a state as we all arrive, heartbroken.
Anyone in the path of an alcoholic deserves compassion, no one deserves the pain they will face sooner or later, at first buying their excellent act. It can stand for so long / the truth always comes to the surface.
I am glad he is a STBX, its a mourning process and when I mourned an XABF it took a huge toll but the lessons were worth it. It gets much better.
Hugs. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
It is difficult to wonder what "they" are doing now...
I was also longing for some kindness from the ex for months but that ship has sailed. Time for us both to get out of denial and face the facts. We need to leave our relationships in the past and focus on ourselves NOW. What kind of lives do we want to create for us? I am prone to jealousy too and am glad I don't know who he is dating now.
Feel better soon.
I was also longing for some kindness from the ex for months but that ship has sailed. Time for us both to get out of denial and face the facts. We need to leave our relationships in the past and focus on ourselves NOW. What kind of lives do we want to create for us? I am prone to jealousy too and am glad I don't know who he is dating now.
Feel better soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
I can accept that I am able to function much better on a day to day basis. Things are improving for me career wise as I am starting to build myself up. Even with my kids I'm seeing how things are better without all the pain and drama. BUT the idea of even saying we are over just rips me apart. That - I cannot understand - why I'm like this?!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" BUT the idea of even saying we are over just rips me apart. That - I cannot understand - why I'm like this?! "
Many times a womens self esteem is based on having a man, also codependents fear abandoment.
Many times a womens self esteem is based on having a man, also codependents fear abandoment.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by cr995 
I can accept that I am able to function much better on a day to day basis. Things are improving for me career wise as I am starting to build myself up. Even with my kids I'm seeing how things are better without all the pain and drama. BUT the idea of even saying we are over just rips me apart. That - I cannot understand - why I'm like this?!
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Oh this is sad . We put up walls. Pull walls down. Emotional rollercoaster. Addicts are selfish and taking more than they give. I wish your x got sober and rekindled his love for you...I truly do.
He isnt treating this gf better though and if he is...its the honeymoon faze. He will fail miserably in relationships until he succeeds in his recovery.
You do not deserve to be with a person whom takes so much from someone and acts like a donkey.
His new gf is in for a donkey of a ride and you.....well you have the blessing of getting on a more stable and wonderful experience. ...life without the A and I dont mean alcoholic.
His loss even if he is too messed up to see it
He isnt treating this gf better though and if he is...its the honeymoon faze. He will fail miserably in relationships until he succeeds in his recovery.
You do not deserve to be with a person whom takes so much from someone and acts like a donkey.
His new gf is in for a donkey of a ride and you.....well you have the blessing of getting on a more stable and wonderful experience. ...life without the A and I dont mean alcoholic.
His loss even if he is too messed up to see it
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
It does get better, and it is okay to miss them, I spent 17 years trying to make him quit drinking, he got sober, divorced me, he drank again, who knows who he is with now, I am trying really hard to stay NC, so far I've gone 1 year, that is a miracle!. My life is 100% better and I found a guy that loves me respects me and let me be me. Serenity, love and peace, I have it know, it does come to you, just work the program.
This is what I needed to read today..thank you, now to a meeting :-)
This is what I needed to read today..thank you, now to a meeting :-)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Since he has a new GF, the worse thing you can do is try to hang on by contacting him for "no good reason". Seriously. You'll just become the butt of their jokes. And, while you're the butt of their jokes, they won't be seeing what's wrong with their new relationship...which will have problems because he's an alcoholic.
If your goal is to have some chance of getting him back, then you're best bet is time and little/no contact. At least appear that you're moving on without him, happy, meeting new people, etc. Seriously.
When contact is necessary because you're having to deal with life issues, bills, divorce, etc, then appear confident, having a direction, etc. THAT will drive HIM nuts. lol
If your goal is to have some chance of getting him back, then you're best bet is time and little/no contact. At least appear that you're moving on without him, happy, meeting new people, etc. Seriously.
When contact is necessary because you're having to deal with life issues, bills, divorce, etc, then appear confident, having a direction, etc. THAT will drive HIM nuts. lol
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