Redheadsusie

We had a serious talk - as serious of a talk as you an have with an A - yesterday morning- I expressed my fear for his downward spiral- I expressed my sadness at watching my parents both go downhill from diseases over the past 10 years and both die- I told him I didn't want to watch him do that - I could not- he started to blame - told me I need to worry about myself etc. I with love told him not listenting to any ugliness - he calls me hypocrite and some weird names- anyway- last night he had a music gig - part time thing- usually involves drinking- I usually go but did not. Yesterday my youngest and I went to Richmond and went the the most gorgeous outdoor mall and ate lunch and were festive and laughed and saw some old friends and drove by our old house before we moved with AH. Great freaking day- full of joy and laughter and love! We got home around 7 - guess who just never came home at all. The old Sue would hve freaked out- called 0r texted - called his Mom to see if she heard from him. I did nothing - went to bed- enjoyed not smelling his nasty breath- this morning he was here - cutting grasss like nothing happened. Just - hey I am showing back up. What in the hell.............. No call from him no nothing. How do you just totally disrespect your wife and then just act like nothing happened. He will never bring it up. His company party is Friday- I of course usually go but just so happens mine is that night too. Instead of compromising and going to both a little or hooking up later at one - he is pissed at me - so he is getting a hotel at his location so he can get hammered - this is 20 minutes from the house mind you. How sad is that- breaks my heart- what i have to remember as my son told me - he does not feel bad for any part of my life -not the loss I have suffered with my parents dying - not the sadness I feel for losing him to pot and alcohol. Nothing - when is enough enough. On a good note wrote a $340,000 contract on house Friday for a great couple! I can support myself - always have as he is so selfish. A friend of mine wrote on Facebook- time to turn the page or close the book. I think I need to close this book for sure.

thislonelygirl

Been there . Use to I did the same thing freaked out. Called text hunted him down. The last time like you I did nothing. I didnt stay up waiting on etc I went to bed . Its hard not to freak out and worry and its even more difficult to feel the sadness of being sisrespected. Like you...how can someone just be gone without a single care and then blame us when we do.
I explained it once to my ah asking him how he felt if I left the house and dissapeared alll day all evening getting wasted without a second thought to him..my children work etc.
Wouldnt he be worried? Or feel disrespected?
Your ah isnt going to see it until he is in recovery. Sadly and its not us...its addiction .you did the best thing in that situation.

Redheadsusie

I asked where he was - he said if I wanted to know I could have called - said how does it feel ? I went shopping the other day with my son and didn't tell him where I was - he is an idiot. I told him if he was going to disrespect me by not coming home then to just find a place to stay - I was not not going to play this game- he drove off - cause he has no intelligent thing to say - he also joined Facebook - it popped up saying I may know him - he is listed as Separated. Sweet Jesus - I am married to a moran - I need to work on myself and get healthy- my sons will be happy!

BlueSkies1

I'm sorry to read you are full in the madness and drama right now. I hope you can find that better place--whatever it takes. I know the sadness mixed with happiness of driving past somewhere you used to live before the downward spiral of living with an alcholic. I am hoping you find your inner strength to take good care of yourself and your child and to find your serenity again.

thislonelygirl

Doesnt it seem like that though lol? Morons ...immature...hugggeee babies!
My ah once told me I complain alot (in general ) I seriously sat there and thought really? And I thought I was holding back . Rolling eyes. I actually am wayyy more laid back than him. Im a 4 with complaining...him a solid 9. 10 on other days.
It makes no sense. Your ah justified his being gone on a harmless incidemt with yourself being gone a day before. Mirror effect...justification....blame. its all it is . Annoying still tho

Freedom1990

You've been at this a long time, gal.

I wish you nothing but the best. You are so far yet so close to that.

Are you attending Alanon or seeing a counselor?

Sending hugs of support!

Redheadsusie

Freedom1990 - you are correct- I have been at this way too long and I am tired. He told me today he was absolutely not giving up drinking- that I have the problem not him. Oh boy- heard that before......I know I have a problem and I need to start working on myself. Went to a great Remembrance Service today with my Sis -we lost both of our parents recently. It was great- we then decorated Mom and Daddy's graves and even attempted to sing them a few Christmas Carols- I know they were laughing in Heaven as we were humming through a few lines- my niece was doing a dance too- quite joyful! I have so much to be thankful for -I am strong - I am a good person- I am worthy! I am blessed! Repeat Repeat Repeat...........I can do this......................

Carol Star

Alanon really helps and I took a yoga class and learned to meditate. Growing up in an alcoholic home I had never learned boundaries. A friend who cared about me and knew I was miserable looked at me one day and said- " you aren't a victim- you are a volunteer"- woops- yep.......I was.......'til I wasn't anymore. I decided to decide. It took awhile. I kept going back- wishin' and a hopin'......then there was a change in me. I didn't want to do it to me anymore. I had been pecked to death. I wasn't going down with him. Now 5 years post divorce I am doing well. It does not hurt anymore at all. I am in total gratitude for what I have today- living in the solution- taking care of me.......3 cats and a 40 yr. old blind bird. I will start looking for a house soon. I gave up my white picket fence illusion I wanted with the XAH and am happy on my own. I saw it for what it was- not what I was wishing it was. Good luck- I can tell you are getting stronger with each post. It can get nasty so get your ducks in a row- my X started destroying my stuff, cleaned out bank acct. do not underestimate what they may do.

Maylie

Congrats on getting a good deal on the house and I'm happy you had such a nice day with your daughter. Sometimes it is hard to remember the good that is out there when we are surrounded by the chaos and then we have days that are filled with so much laughter and love.

Great job not staying up all night and not texting and calling. You are def. getting stronger and stronger. Make sure your money and important belongings are protected from him. A's sometimes panic when they realize we are getting stronger and when they start to see that change they sometimes try to "get back at us" or drain our bank accounts or treasured belongings to take us back to a place of dispair.

Keep working on closing this book you deserve to be truely happy. I can't even comment on him putitng himself as seperated on facebook, all I can do is shake my head.

hugs

maylie

Rosiepetal

You go to your work party & you have fun, just as you did on your outing with your child, fun & laughter.

Cyranoak

...that my wife lets me do without consequences. If I did what your husband did there would be consequences-- and I did it more than once the consequences would be painful and likely permanent. When she did this to me, and she did it more than once, there were no real consequences, yet I couldn't figure out why she kept doing it. Alanon helped me to catch on, then the consequences became real, and then the behavior stopped (in my case it stopped-- often it doesn't).

That said, after 14 years together I've never failed to come home. When we married I promised my wife only two things definitively:

1. I'd come home every night I wasn't traveling.
2. I'd park my car in her garage only.

I keep these two promises. It's easy to keep only two promises.

Take care,

Cyranoak

lovesunandsnow

When I was with my exa-bf he would leave and not come home for a day maybe two. I just would freak out, I couldn’t believe that he would leave and say nothing. I knew he was getting my calls, text and then I would go out looking for him. Sometimes I would find him and sometime I wouldn’t but if I did he was in the same clothing, smelling like a brewery and cigarettes and yet I wanted him to come home.

Go figure what I was thinking back then but the chaos was so much I really was just on another roller-coaster ride when he would run. I still even after not being together don’t understand why he would run away, or where he went besides out to drink. At that time I had not found this forum and had not been to an alanon meeting. Both have helped save me.

So I feel for you in the leaving and how disrespectful it is. So down right cruel I couldn’t think of ever doing that to anyone and I asked him once what if I didn’t come home? He walked away with no answer, he didn’t want to answer because then he’d have to look at himself for leaving.

Good for you that you are able to not call text or go look for him. Maybe now it will start to sink in that you’re stronger than him?

As far as separated on Facebook, what is he thinking that you’re not going to see that, makes me shake my head in disbelief.

Keep up your good work and staying strong.

BoxinRotz

My AH doesn't leave like that... THANK GOD for him!

I have asked my AH, *What if I got drunk and drove the car, yelled obscenities at you, skipped out on work, over drew the acct, lied to your face....* He said, I wouldn't let you! I said, What makes it ok for you to do that to me then?

*crickets chirp*