Totally Caught Off Guard
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Totally Caught Off Guard
Hello-
I am new here and thank you for any comments. My wife is currently in a 5 day detox and should be getting out in the next day or so. It has taken me to this point to understand that she really has a drinking problem. The last few months she has also been seeing a Therapist and going to group type meeting for childhood sex abuse. We are in our 40s.
I have been totally caught off guard. I have two boys 11 and 13. And I guess I have had the typical Male response to want to do anything and as fast as I can to fix the problem(s). I am discovering from her therapists, other professionals and from my reading that is not what I should be doing. I am learning as I go here.
My wife does want to and is getting help and is sorry and is taking the correct steps to help herself and I am supportive of her in doing so. The substance abuse caught me off guard as she was drinking a 5th of vodka daily and has suicidal thoughts as well.
She is not an angry drunk. In fact you would not even know. She just gets a little loopy and goes to bed early.
I just feel that I am behind of a lot of things that have been going on. I am learning things that happened to her as a child and feel so bad for her. I thought her drinking was a way for her to get away from the pain of remembering her childhood abuse.
If I understand the Therapist the alcoholism has to be solved first and there is no excuse for it. Right now I am going to be supportive for the correct actions she is taking, but will need to begin to let her realize and take responsibility for her drinking. After the 5 day detox I am going to explain for example: If she drinks anymore, I just can't have her driving the kids to and from school. I will take the keys to the car. She will need to go back into a 30 day detox (which I cannot afford).
I love her. She is a great person. I love my kids. I am NOT going to go through the drinking then not drinking, lying and hiding etc. I am just not going to do it. She has always known how I feel regarding the responsibility we have to our family. I am not going to be angry or negative or lecture. I am learning to put the responsibility of her drinking on her shoulders and I will be there to support her correct decisions. I just don't believe long term she will not drink. I hope I am wrong.
That is where I am at. I have a long way to go with this don't I?
I am new here and thank you for any comments. My wife is currently in a 5 day detox and should be getting out in the next day or so. It has taken me to this point to understand that she really has a drinking problem. The last few months she has also been seeing a Therapist and going to group type meeting for childhood sex abuse. We are in our 40s.
I have been totally caught off guard. I have two boys 11 and 13. And I guess I have had the typical Male response to want to do anything and as fast as I can to fix the problem(s). I am discovering from her therapists, other professionals and from my reading that is not what I should be doing. I am learning as I go here.
My wife does want to and is getting help and is sorry and is taking the correct steps to help herself and I am supportive of her in doing so. The substance abuse caught me off guard as she was drinking a 5th of vodka daily and has suicidal thoughts as well.
She is not an angry drunk. In fact you would not even know. She just gets a little loopy and goes to bed early.
I just feel that I am behind of a lot of things that have been going on. I am learning things that happened to her as a child and feel so bad for her. I thought her drinking was a way for her to get away from the pain of remembering her childhood abuse.
If I understand the Therapist the alcoholism has to be solved first and there is no excuse for it. Right now I am going to be supportive for the correct actions she is taking, but will need to begin to let her realize and take responsibility for her drinking. After the 5 day detox I am going to explain for example: If she drinks anymore, I just can't have her driving the kids to and from school. I will take the keys to the car. She will need to go back into a 30 day detox (which I cannot afford).
I love her. She is a great person. I love my kids. I am NOT going to go through the drinking then not drinking, lying and hiding etc. I am just not going to do it. She has always known how I feel regarding the responsibility we have to our family. I am not going to be angry or negative or lecture. I am learning to put the responsibility of her drinking on her shoulders and I will be there to support her correct decisions. I just don't believe long term she will not drink. I hope I am wrong.
That is where I am at. I have a long way to go with this don't I?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Setting boundries is a must.
Maybe the boundry needs to be, if you are drinking you can not live here with the family. Short, sweet, to the point.
How bout you, what outside support and help are you seeking?
Counseling, alanon, etc...
So glad you are here, I'm sure many more will chime in.
Katie
Maybe the boundry needs to be, if you are drinking you can not live here with the family. Short, sweet, to the point.
How bout you, what outside support and help are you seeking?
Counseling, alanon, etc...
So glad you are here, I'm sure many more will chime in.
Katie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Hi Katie and thank you for the reply.
I am currently not getting counseling for me; however, I do want to be involved with her counseling with her Therapist. This is to be part of what I am to do; although it will more about her past child abuse issues.
I am looking at the substains abuse and her child abuse as separate problems and it has helped me understand better.
When she gets out of detox my plan is to sit down and have a talk. Yes, she cannot be in the house drinking or have alcohol in the house. I am not going through the trial an error, back and forth. My plan is to let her know that I am not going down that road with her if she continues to drink. I will start pulling away as I have to think about the safety of our kids. I know that is easy to say.
I also say she may go back to drinking because being human and getting back into life's routine while working through the pain of her child abuse, the alcohol will be there as an escape. Just my opinion though. I have discovered that she has tried to commit suicide as a teenager. I believe the counselor mentioned to me that if it has happened once the odds are great it will happen again.
She is seeking help so there is hope, and she is not in denial. She has just been scared to tell me her past and present problems thinking I will leave. So, letting her know that I am not going down that road with her, or the kids, if she drinks, maybe enough for her to see what she (we) will lose. And knowing that I will stand by her side as she makes the correct decisions, my hope is that she will see she has everything to gain.
I just have to maintain my Male ego to fix everything. And when my emotions slip get back up and keep to the plan.
I am currently not getting counseling for me; however, I do want to be involved with her counseling with her Therapist. This is to be part of what I am to do; although it will more about her past child abuse issues.
I am looking at the substains abuse and her child abuse as separate problems and it has helped me understand better.
When she gets out of detox my plan is to sit down and have a talk. Yes, she cannot be in the house drinking or have alcohol in the house. I am not going through the trial an error, back and forth. My plan is to let her know that I am not going down that road with her if she continues to drink. I will start pulling away as I have to think about the safety of our kids. I know that is easy to say.
I also say she may go back to drinking because being human and getting back into life's routine while working through the pain of her child abuse, the alcohol will be there as an escape. Just my opinion though. I have discovered that she has tried to commit suicide as a teenager. I believe the counselor mentioned to me that if it has happened once the odds are great it will happen again.
She is seeking help so there is hope, and she is not in denial. She has just been scared to tell me her past and present problems thinking I will leave. So, letting her know that I am not going down that road with her, or the kids, if she drinks, maybe enough for her to see what she (we) will lose. And knowing that I will stand by her side as she makes the correct decisions, my hope is that she will see she has everything to gain.
I just have to maintain my Male ego to fix everything. And when my emotions slip get back up and keep to the plan.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
BTDT and have the scars to prove it. My AW also claimed child hood sexual abuse was why she drank. "To kill the pain" When that excuse ran out it was something else. Finally she was diagnosed as Bipolar and given meds. It worked she didn't drink a drop and was noce to be around for 15 months. Then about a week ago I noticed that she was not right. Didn't know what it was or what to do but a few days ago I caught her drinking. Her and her mother went to see our daughter for the weekend so I have not confronted her about it yet. That will happen this evening when she gets home. From my experience she won't quit drinking till she is ready to and if she does quit it may not last. For your own sake make a backup plan for what you plan to do if she wont quit. In my case I stayed till the kids were grown. I was already filing for divorce though when she went on the bipolar meds. I called off the divorce but if she goes back to drinking like before I am divorcing. I am not ever living with a drunk again.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Wow...I don't know how it is possible to live with someone drinking a fifth a day and the whole family not to suffer horribly from it. This just doesn't ring true. I suppose anything is possible in this life though...but I'm amazed. Are you sure there isn't some head in the sand thing going on? Not insulting! Just asking. I have never heard a story before where the entire family wasn't affected.
I worry about your wife while I read this story because when people finally address huge old baggage issues...they have countless hours of thinking and repair to do, and sexual abuse may be the worst of any of the possibilities.
It's like finding out some humongous old chore was never taken care of...like the beautiful house but the foundation is crumbling. I don't say that to alarm you, but your wife's foundation is in need of some serious work. It's not going to be easy. I think you realize this.
However, the clouds are parting here...she sought out help herself, yes? Fantastic. Your pessimissim is not unwarranted, and will protect you. However she stands a chance at recovery having sought it out on her own.
What can you do to hold down the fort, make life better for everyone in the family, and keep the stability and the peace without being overly controlling? I think your role here may be to keep the stability and security...and support. And keep the normal for your kids, as in their activities, needs, etc., continued to be met.
I have a good feeling from what you have posted with strong boundaries that you will come out of this alright. Good for you.
You may want to think about the ways that her drinking has affected all of you, and post that here too.
I worry about your wife while I read this story because when people finally address huge old baggage issues...they have countless hours of thinking and repair to do, and sexual abuse may be the worst of any of the possibilities.
It's like finding out some humongous old chore was never taken care of...like the beautiful house but the foundation is crumbling. I don't say that to alarm you, but your wife's foundation is in need of some serious work. It's not going to be easy. I think you realize this.
However, the clouds are parting here...she sought out help herself, yes? Fantastic. Your pessimissim is not unwarranted, and will protect you. However she stands a chance at recovery having sought it out on her own.
What can you do to hold down the fort, make life better for everyone in the family, and keep the stability and the peace without being overly controlling? I think your role here may be to keep the stability and security...and support. And keep the normal for your kids, as in their activities, needs, etc., continued to be met.
I have a good feeling from what you have posted with strong boundaries that you will come out of this alright. Good for you.
You may want to think about the ways that her drinking has affected all of you, and post that here too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Thank you MadeofGlass-
I think I have been in denial with the alcohol abuse and have been behind the curve on this. My wife has taken the lead with her child abuse recovery, bless her heart she is an amazing person, but she is only human and her Therapist and I had to push her to get into detox . She does give up at times and that is when the suicide thoughts come in. There have been signs and my wife has said things to me that now raise red flags with her drinking. My wife's Therapist told me of the pints then 5ths of vodka and latter my wife admitted it too. I was told she would start at noon and continue through the day. I think the daily volume of the vodka has had to be recently and that is what broke the camel’s back. I have found bottles under the bed and she pulled one out of her car. Her Therapist called me and told me my wife had the shakes and my wife needed to have a drink before going in to meet her last week. Then we pushed for my wife to go into the 5 day detox.
My wife is not an angry drunk. The only way I could tell she had been drinking is from the blank type of expression on her face. I work at home in my office at night after dinner. And I think that is when she would really hit the vodka before bed. She would come upstairs to put the kids to bed but and had real trouble communicating with them and my older boy started pushing back and almost yelling at my wife. I would step in and think has my wife been drinking? When she would go down stairs I would ask her. I would not receive eye contact and she would say she is tired and just wanted to go to bed. She has been depressed and acts strange at times from what she has been going through from the child abuse. When I was able to separate her drinking problem from her child abuse (just this week) it helped me understand.
I have told my wife that for the kids keeping them on their routine and stable is what we need to do. She is in agreement and does not want them to know what is going on.
I have been through this crap with my father and mother as a kid, although this time I have a different role in the family. My goal is to get everyone through this. My wife’s child abuse is the other issue of which I have no experience. I also know my wife is a back slider.
Thanks again MadeofGlass. Your post lets me know I am on the right path with my attitude and thinking.
I think I have been in denial with the alcohol abuse and have been behind the curve on this. My wife has taken the lead with her child abuse recovery, bless her heart she is an amazing person, but she is only human and her Therapist and I had to push her to get into detox . She does give up at times and that is when the suicide thoughts come in. There have been signs and my wife has said things to me that now raise red flags with her drinking. My wife's Therapist told me of the pints then 5ths of vodka and latter my wife admitted it too. I was told she would start at noon and continue through the day. I think the daily volume of the vodka has had to be recently and that is what broke the camel’s back. I have found bottles under the bed and she pulled one out of her car. Her Therapist called me and told me my wife had the shakes and my wife needed to have a drink before going in to meet her last week. Then we pushed for my wife to go into the 5 day detox.
My wife is not an angry drunk. The only way I could tell she had been drinking is from the blank type of expression on her face. I work at home in my office at night after dinner. And I think that is when she would really hit the vodka before bed. She would come upstairs to put the kids to bed but and had real trouble communicating with them and my older boy started pushing back and almost yelling at my wife. I would step in and think has my wife been drinking? When she would go down stairs I would ask her. I would not receive eye contact and she would say she is tired and just wanted to go to bed. She has been depressed and acts strange at times from what she has been going through from the child abuse. When I was able to separate her drinking problem from her child abuse (just this week) it helped me understand.
I have told my wife that for the kids keeping them on their routine and stable is what we need to do. She is in agreement and does not want them to know what is going on.
I have been through this crap with my father and mother as a kid, although this time I have a different role in the family. My goal is to get everyone through this. My wife’s child abuse is the other issue of which I have no experience. I also know my wife is a back slider.
Thanks again MadeofGlass. Your post lets me know I am on the right path with my attitude and thinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
SCA, I am so sorry for the situation you are in with your AH. You are showing great courage in what you've posted here, and I am sure you will find support, compassion, and wisdom here on Sober Recovery.
As a child of an alcoholic father, I would believe that your sons already know that something is going on, that something is very wrong even if they cannot label it alcoholism. I wish that someone when I was a child could have put me at the top of the list and gotten me some help. No one did. I married someone who turned out to be a lot like my father, and when he descended into abusive alcoholism, after 20 years, I had to leave him this summer.
So, it might be helpful to look into how your kids are feeling, and to get them some support and therapy, too. Kids know so much more than we think they do, and often, they think they are to blame when it is absolutely no fault of theirs.
Come back often, we'll all be here for you.
ShootingStar1
As a child of an alcoholic father, I would believe that your sons already know that something is going on, that something is very wrong even if they cannot label it alcoholism. I wish that someone when I was a child could have put me at the top of the list and gotten me some help. No one did. I married someone who turned out to be a lot like my father, and when he descended into abusive alcoholism, after 20 years, I had to leave him this summer.
So, it might be helpful to look into how your kids are feeling, and to get them some support and therapy, too. Kids know so much more than we think they do, and often, they think they are to blame when it is absolutely no fault of theirs.
Come back often, we'll all be here for you.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Oh wow... We have similar stories my friend but I am a year ahead of you.
Have to run now but have some things to share later. If you read through my posts since August or so you will see a very similar scenario and the ups and downs we have had.
First thing - your wife has a disease, no different than cancer except that is worse. Both are progressive and deadly but cancer can be cured, alcoholism can only be suppressed and put into remission but you have to fight it forever.
In my limited experience the very best thing you can do is to let her know that you do not blame her and that you love her and are with her. Then get to an alanon meeting as she starts AA. YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT, CANT CURE IT AND CAN'T CONTROL IT!
It sucks for us tough guys but you will need to swallow your pride and accept that you will need help and seek and accept it - which u are doing.
Don't lose hope, recovery is possible and she's a good candidate from what u said
Have to run now but have some things to share later. If you read through my posts since August or so you will see a very similar scenario and the ups and downs we have had.
First thing - your wife has a disease, no different than cancer except that is worse. Both are progressive and deadly but cancer can be cured, alcoholism can only be suppressed and put into remission but you have to fight it forever.
In my limited experience the very best thing you can do is to let her know that you do not blame her and that you love her and are with her. Then get to an alanon meeting as she starts AA. YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT, CANT CURE IT AND CAN'T CONTROL IT!
It sucks for us tough guys but you will need to swallow your pride and accept that you will need help and seek and accept it - which u are doing.
Don't lose hope, recovery is possible and she's a good candidate from what u said
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