A Crashed My Car
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
A Crashed My Car
It's me again
I haven't been on in the last few days because things have been going relatively well, and my H is home for a week because of spring break. Plus he has not been drinking (for 4 whole days, from Friday to Monday) and is much more aware of what I am doing on the computer. Tuesday and today he the drinking started again, and today, he crashed my car. Read on for a nice story.
We had a huge talk last week about things. He said he wanted to leave and get his own apartment because we fought too much. We have not been fighting very much over the last few weeks, since I have been trying out the "detatchment" thing. So this was a lie. It was just his excuse for running out on a 8 1/2 month pregnant wife, 16 month old son, and 10 year old stepdaugter, because he can't handle life or whatever. I cried and begged and pleaded for him to stay and told him that we weren't just going to go away because he moved. We finally talked it out, and he admitted that he was scared about the new baby, etc., etc. We went away for the weekend, had a great time, and he has been quite helpful around the house getting work done. And even started taking his medication again.
Yesterday (Tuesday), He came home and smelled of beer but I did not say anything. He was not drunk in the least, I almost didn't catch it. Until I went to the grocery store, came back, and suddenly, miraculously, he needed to go buy cigarettes (he FORGOT to ask me, you see). So he went to the store, and came back with beer (a few tallboys, Coors Light of course). Whatever. I did not say much of anything and just went about my business, and let him go about helping me with cleaning and organizing the house. But inside, I was disappointed, because although he did not promise me he would not drink, just the fact that he went 4 whole days drinking O'Douls and being a family man got my hopes up. But the cycle had already begun . . .
Anyway, today rolls around, and he is working around the house like a madman in the morning, because he had somewhere to be in the early afternoon, and wants to "get stuff done". If you ask me, it was just an excuse - if he works really, really hard, then he has and excuse to drink - he deserves it!
He had to be at this sports park in our area, for a charity softball thing. Just coincidentally, this is the same place that he plays basketball on Wednesday nights. This is the same Wednesday basketball league where he gets trashed on a regular basis. I have asked him several times not to play anymore, and he says that he won't, but then "forgets" and says that he never promised that and acts like I am the most selfish person in the world. Anyway, the charity softball thing, which we went to watch, was at 3:30. When I got there, first thing I noticed was that he had been drinking. Before a charity event - where money for charity is on the line based on how he hits the softball. Very appropriate, don't you think? He did his thing, whatever. It was 5:00 or so, but he kept insisting that he had to stay there, because he had basketball at 8:00. Nevermind the fact that we live 15-20 minutes away. I was not happy, but let him stay. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink. He told me he would be home early, right after basketball (around 9:30). I said that would be great, and that was it.
Well, at 9:30 he was not home, and around 10:00, I went to bed. I slept lightly untill around 12:00, when I got up to see that he was not home yet. Then I could not sleep - because I was worried. Because, you see, he was driving my car, purchased at a time when we were separated, co-signed by my aunt, who would take it away from me if she knew he was driving it. It is also under my aunt's insurance, something that she has insisted on for the past 2 years (she's a bit controlling, but I needed a car and she was the only one willing to help me - H or his family was not around). And he has a suspended driver's licence.
I let him drive it, because his parents purchased (and still pay for) a mini van for us - with 3 kids, it is a godsend. I was supposed to be for me, but when he gets mad, it becomes his car. I let him drive mine, and he knows everything about my aunt, etc, etc, and he knows that I do not want him drinking and driving in it, but he does anyway. Well tonight, he finally did it.
About 1:30 am, I hear this awful sound coming up the street, and I just knew it was him. I had already had visions of accidents, him killing someone, him getting arrested, etc. When I heard this noise, I just knew it was him. He woke up some of the neigbors, as well. Great.
He pulled my car into the driveway, I got dressed and went outside, and saw that the two right side tires were gone. One had the doughnut tire on it, the other was bare metal. He apparently was driving my car this way, on the bare metal rim (hence the noise). He was black from head to foot, like he had been working on my car. He was also wasted. I asked him what happened, and he said that someone blew out two of my tires. I asked him why he did not call someone to come help him instead of driving it this way, he said he couldn't he was not around a phone. I was sooooooo upset. I asked him who or what he hit, and he just told me to relax, that he did not hit anything. He then tried to follow me around and ask me why I was upset, and hug me and tell me to relax. I told him to keep away, and he was rude and belligerent to me and kept telling me not to hit him (I was only pushing his arms off of me!). He finally went inside, woke up the baby with his racket, ate an ice cream, and passed out. He's passed out now, it's 2:36 in the morning, and I can't sleep. So here I am.
What should I do???? I spent the first hour or so crying and trying to get the baby back to sleep, while at the same time waiting for the police to come knocking at my door. I don't know what he hit, but it must have been pretty good to blow out two tires. There is no blood or anything, (first thing I checked for), but my car is ruined. He drove on the rim and it is all chewed up. There are various wires hanging out of the wheel well. I wonder if he will still insist that someone slashed them in the morning.
My first instinct is to call his parents first thing in the morning, for their help. They are wealthy, and help support us financially, and this would be a great "I told you so" to them. They refuse to believe me or to accept that their son is an alchoholic, so I usually just avoid the subject with them. They are great people and grandparents in every other way. It would be so satisfying to let them know that he ruined my car on a drunken binge. It's funny, his sister is an A and in and out of rehab, she also has cirrhosis of the liver and still drinks, but they can't accept that he is one too? I'm pretty sure I am going to call them, because they are the only ones that can help pay for the damage. It's funny, when we first got the mini-van, they told me under no uncertain terms was he supposed to drive it, because of their insurance. So I spent most of my time trying to keep him from driving the van if he had been drinking, and my car if he had been drinking. Then we had a fight, and his dad got mad and said "just let him take your car", but not the van. Now they let him drive the van, even though he still has a suspended license. And he drives my car and does this to it. I guess it was only a matter of time.
I am so worried that I am going to see a hit and run on the news tommorrow, or the police are going to show up at my door!
What should I do????? I feel like insisting on rehab first thing in the morning, or he has to go. But if I tell him this, he probably will, instead of going to rehab. And he will take the van with him. And I will be all alone, and he will always have his best friend Coors Light with him. And I will have no car. Should I talk to his parents (again?). The rest of their family gets mad at me and tells me to keep my problems to myself when I do (I've had them call up and scream at me, or confront me in person, like I am sooo terrible). Or should I let him take care of his own mess? He will just lie, lie, lie his way through it. The only ones to help us are his parents, and they eat up every lie and believe all that he says.
Does anyone have similar situations - or any advice??? I really, really, really need it! I would be much appreciated!!!! I'm sure I will still be awake for a long, long, long time!
I haven't been on in the last few days because things have been going relatively well, and my H is home for a week because of spring break. Plus he has not been drinking (for 4 whole days, from Friday to Monday) and is much more aware of what I am doing on the computer. Tuesday and today he the drinking started again, and today, he crashed my car. Read on for a nice story.
We had a huge talk last week about things. He said he wanted to leave and get his own apartment because we fought too much. We have not been fighting very much over the last few weeks, since I have been trying out the "detatchment" thing. So this was a lie. It was just his excuse for running out on a 8 1/2 month pregnant wife, 16 month old son, and 10 year old stepdaugter, because he can't handle life or whatever. I cried and begged and pleaded for him to stay and told him that we weren't just going to go away because he moved. We finally talked it out, and he admitted that he was scared about the new baby, etc., etc. We went away for the weekend, had a great time, and he has been quite helpful around the house getting work done. And even started taking his medication again.
Yesterday (Tuesday), He came home and smelled of beer but I did not say anything. He was not drunk in the least, I almost didn't catch it. Until I went to the grocery store, came back, and suddenly, miraculously, he needed to go buy cigarettes (he FORGOT to ask me, you see). So he went to the store, and came back with beer (a few tallboys, Coors Light of course). Whatever. I did not say much of anything and just went about my business, and let him go about helping me with cleaning and organizing the house. But inside, I was disappointed, because although he did not promise me he would not drink, just the fact that he went 4 whole days drinking O'Douls and being a family man got my hopes up. But the cycle had already begun . . .
Anyway, today rolls around, and he is working around the house like a madman in the morning, because he had somewhere to be in the early afternoon, and wants to "get stuff done". If you ask me, it was just an excuse - if he works really, really hard, then he has and excuse to drink - he deserves it!
He had to be at this sports park in our area, for a charity softball thing. Just coincidentally, this is the same place that he plays basketball on Wednesday nights. This is the same Wednesday basketball league where he gets trashed on a regular basis. I have asked him several times not to play anymore, and he says that he won't, but then "forgets" and says that he never promised that and acts like I am the most selfish person in the world. Anyway, the charity softball thing, which we went to watch, was at 3:30. When I got there, first thing I noticed was that he had been drinking. Before a charity event - where money for charity is on the line based on how he hits the softball. Very appropriate, don't you think? He did his thing, whatever. It was 5:00 or so, but he kept insisting that he had to stay there, because he had basketball at 8:00. Nevermind the fact that we live 15-20 minutes away. I was not happy, but let him stay. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink. He told me he would be home early, right after basketball (around 9:30). I said that would be great, and that was it.
Well, at 9:30 he was not home, and around 10:00, I went to bed. I slept lightly untill around 12:00, when I got up to see that he was not home yet. Then I could not sleep - because I was worried. Because, you see, he was driving my car, purchased at a time when we were separated, co-signed by my aunt, who would take it away from me if she knew he was driving it. It is also under my aunt's insurance, something that she has insisted on for the past 2 years (she's a bit controlling, but I needed a car and she was the only one willing to help me - H or his family was not around). And he has a suspended driver's licence.
I let him drive it, because his parents purchased (and still pay for) a mini van for us - with 3 kids, it is a godsend. I was supposed to be for me, but when he gets mad, it becomes his car. I let him drive mine, and he knows everything about my aunt, etc, etc, and he knows that I do not want him drinking and driving in it, but he does anyway. Well tonight, he finally did it.
About 1:30 am, I hear this awful sound coming up the street, and I just knew it was him. I had already had visions of accidents, him killing someone, him getting arrested, etc. When I heard this noise, I just knew it was him. He woke up some of the neigbors, as well. Great.
He pulled my car into the driveway, I got dressed and went outside, and saw that the two right side tires were gone. One had the doughnut tire on it, the other was bare metal. He apparently was driving my car this way, on the bare metal rim (hence the noise). He was black from head to foot, like he had been working on my car. He was also wasted. I asked him what happened, and he said that someone blew out two of my tires. I asked him why he did not call someone to come help him instead of driving it this way, he said he couldn't he was not around a phone. I was sooooooo upset. I asked him who or what he hit, and he just told me to relax, that he did not hit anything. He then tried to follow me around and ask me why I was upset, and hug me and tell me to relax. I told him to keep away, and he was rude and belligerent to me and kept telling me not to hit him (I was only pushing his arms off of me!). He finally went inside, woke up the baby with his racket, ate an ice cream, and passed out. He's passed out now, it's 2:36 in the morning, and I can't sleep. So here I am.
What should I do???? I spent the first hour or so crying and trying to get the baby back to sleep, while at the same time waiting for the police to come knocking at my door. I don't know what he hit, but it must have been pretty good to blow out two tires. There is no blood or anything, (first thing I checked for), but my car is ruined. He drove on the rim and it is all chewed up. There are various wires hanging out of the wheel well. I wonder if he will still insist that someone slashed them in the morning.
My first instinct is to call his parents first thing in the morning, for their help. They are wealthy, and help support us financially, and this would be a great "I told you so" to them. They refuse to believe me or to accept that their son is an alchoholic, so I usually just avoid the subject with them. They are great people and grandparents in every other way. It would be so satisfying to let them know that he ruined my car on a drunken binge. It's funny, his sister is an A and in and out of rehab, she also has cirrhosis of the liver and still drinks, but they can't accept that he is one too? I'm pretty sure I am going to call them, because they are the only ones that can help pay for the damage. It's funny, when we first got the mini-van, they told me under no uncertain terms was he supposed to drive it, because of their insurance. So I spent most of my time trying to keep him from driving the van if he had been drinking, and my car if he had been drinking. Then we had a fight, and his dad got mad and said "just let him take your car", but not the van. Now they let him drive the van, even though he still has a suspended license. And he drives my car and does this to it. I guess it was only a matter of time.
I am so worried that I am going to see a hit and run on the news tommorrow, or the police are going to show up at my door!
What should I do????? I feel like insisting on rehab first thing in the morning, or he has to go. But if I tell him this, he probably will, instead of going to rehab. And he will take the van with him. And I will be all alone, and he will always have his best friend Coors Light with him. And I will have no car. Should I talk to his parents (again?). The rest of their family gets mad at me and tells me to keep my problems to myself when I do (I've had them call up and scream at me, or confront me in person, like I am sooo terrible). Or should I let him take care of his own mess? He will just lie, lie, lie his way through it. The only ones to help us are his parents, and they eat up every lie and believe all that he says.
Does anyone have similar situations - or any advice??? I really, really, really need it! I would be much appreciated!!!! I'm sure I will still be awake for a long, long, long time!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Re: A Crashed My Car
Since you are asking what to do I will tell you what I would do. Nothing...
First if you yell at him it will give him an excuse to blame you. Second, if you do anything to clean this mess up it will be allowing him to not accept responsibilty.
Really...you don't have to say anything. He knows what you are thinking.
It won't be easy but I have done it and watching them squirm while you remain calm is worth the price of admission.
Hugs,
JT
First if you yell at him it will give him an excuse to blame you. Second, if you do anything to clean this mess up it will be allowing him to not accept responsibilty.
Really...you don't have to say anything. He knows what you are thinking.
It won't be easy but I have done it and watching them squirm while you remain calm is worth the price of admission.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Anywhere but here
Posts: 44
Re: A Crashed My Car
Hi 2ndBest. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I don't really have any advice, but I think JT's advice sounds pretty good. I agree with her that yelling at him will just make matters worse and make you feel even more unhappy. And she's right too about watching him squirm. I know how hard it is to not say anything, but it is certainly worth it. Take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Re: A Crashed My Car
Yes. Let Bozo ask his parents to fix the car. And when it's fixed keep the keys away from him. If his parents want to provide a car for him to drive illegally, let 'em. Your Aunt's insurance premiums are just as important as theirs. Honestly.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Re: A Crashed My Car
*big squeeze hug*
I am so sorry to see you struggling with all of this. I care about you and I hope that things work out one way or another. It wont be easy but use your best judgement and I agree that you should let A (*******, alcoholic-same difference) and his family take responsibility. I sure wish there were more people on your side. At least you have us.
*another big squeeze hug*
~Def
I am so sorry to see you struggling with all of this. I care about you and I hope that things work out one way or another. It wont be easy but use your best judgement and I agree that you should let A (*******, alcoholic-same difference) and his family take responsibility. I sure wish there were more people on your side. At least you have us.
*another big squeeze hug*
~Def
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
Posts: 74
Re: A Crashed My Car
JT did it again. Nothing is required of you. It’s all on him. I would probably go even a step further and suggest that all that ‘projecting� doesn’t make ya feel any better either. Although the “committee� loves to play the “what if� game, and spin out real nasty scenarios that suck ya right in with all their juicy “it’d serve him right� promises. It’s pandering to our baser fears, and creating chaos, fear and drama where nothing exists, but for the fact that he came home with two flats.
Working your program in the face of his disease is what it’s all about. Meetings, a sponsor, and the step-work are the basics, and they’re all there for you to take advantage of, and become accountable to. If ever there was a “fast track�,------------------that’s it.
Jeff
Working your program in the face of his disease is what it’s all about. Meetings, a sponsor, and the step-work are the basics, and they’re all there for you to take advantage of, and become accountable to. If ever there was a “fast track�,------------------that’s it.
Jeff
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: I wish I knew...
Posts: 49
Re: A Crashed My Car
I am with everyone else. Let him handle it. He is probably waiting for you to handle things and doesn't have a clue what to do... It should be fun to watch. Other than that, please try and stay safe. Think of you and your babies...
By the way, talk about denial... His family gives you a van, tell you not to let him drive it (like you have any control over those things), they know he has a suspended license, but he isn't an alcoholic?? WOW! Let him call his parents.
By the way, talk about denial... His family gives you a van, tell you not to let him drive it (like you have any control over those things), they know he has a suspended license, but he isn't an alcoholic?? WOW! Let him call his parents.
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