staying positive

Old 12-08-2012, 06:18 PM
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Question staying positive

Hello everyone, first time on site. Needing some feedback on my situation. Thinking seriously about getting married, but having some doubts. My fiance' doesn't seem to acknowledge his drinking is an ISSUE for me. Just needing some feedback on this, Yes I believe he is an alcoholic and I WILL NOT enter a marriage knowing this from the beginning. Something is happening because after expressing my thoughts about his drinking, He stated I was trying to dictate his life. He just doesn't want to stop drinking. Any thoughts, ideas would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 12-08-2012, 06:27 PM
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You are very wise to say you will not enter a covenant with doubt in your heart (I did with my ExH -- not an A but there were issues I pretended not to notice.) Divorce is ugly, and especially with an A from all the experiences I've read here.

Listen to your gut. Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, explore that fully. If you think he's drinking too much now, know that this usually progresses -- he could drink even more in the future. I don't know your age/what stage you are in life, but if relevant. Would you trust the man he is today with a child's life? With your finances? Etc?
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Old 12-08-2012, 06:37 PM
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I agree with Jessiec - trust your instinct. He has told you he does not want to stop drinking. I wish I would have listened to my AH before we got married 8 years ago when he told me he will drink till the day he dies. He will and it will probably be an early death - I don't want to be around to watch it but am still here. Sending you support - this site is great!
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Old 12-08-2012, 06:40 PM
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You soooooooo don't need a piece of paper with dried ink stating your love and devotion for him do you? You and him are together for now right? Wait and see how it progresses or not and perhaps thank yourself for not rushing into a marriage if he steps up his alcohol consumption which he probably will now that you've questioned him about it.

I'd like to welcome you here. :ghug3 SR has been a place I visit a few times a day. I don't feel so alone anymore knowing so many live this life along with me.
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Old 12-08-2012, 06:51 PM
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Thanks everyone, I just know that my gut is telling me to make sure. I'm 48 been single or divorced for 8 years from a womanizer(to say it nicely) and before I go into another marriage I will make sure there are issues that are dealt with. The drinking I believe is the issue for me, possibly a deal breaker.
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Old 12-08-2012, 06:56 PM
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could someone tell me how to go about getting the site to show on my phone. It may be as simple as downloading the site huh
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:26 PM
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You can find it with any web browser, I don't think there's an app you can use (unfortunately; because I can't post from my phone, only read, for some reason).

I'm 48 been single or divorced for 8 years from a womanizer(to say it nicely) and before I go into another marriage I will make sure there are issues that are dealt with. The drinking I believe is the issue for me, possibly a deal breaker.
Well -- I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You probably know very well how a womanizer can tear down your confidence and faith in your own worth and strength and all that jazz? (We're about the same age and I've been around the block before I was married, so I've seen some of that stuff, too.) I often compare being married to an alcoholic with having your husband move his mistress into the house and pay much more attention to her than to the family, and then get angry when you question his priorities.

You know what I love about being almost 50? I'm too old to waste time. I'm too old to take sh*t from people anymore. I'm too old to care very much what people think of me. And I'm definitely too old to invest in dysfunctional people and dysfunctional relationships.

I'm in a new relationship after that 20-year-marriage. I love having a man in my life. But I love my life more. I'd rather stay single than date, let alone marry, an addict again.

I agree with Box -- no reason to hurry up and get legally and financially entangled. Wait and see. Learn about alcoholism. Protect your heart and yourself. Addiction is ugly.
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:41 PM
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I can tell you that my wedding dress still has the tags on it and never got used! At one point I had decided that we would fly to the Bahamas and our pastor would marry us without benefit of registering the contract with either government ( I didn't care about tax benefits but he had young girls and didn't want to set a bad example.)

Smartest thing I ever did! No need to rush and time is your friend! More will be revealed and at some point you will "know".
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Old 12-08-2012, 08:41 PM
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Thank you and I know things will be revealed, we have been together for going on two yrs. I ended it twice. But I can say with each time, I let it me known what I will and will not deal with,so now its the drinking. He is a functioning alcoholic. A hard worker, a really good man, not abusive (verbally or mentally) I think he is abusive with his drinking and its becoming a part of me. No he doesn't swear or anything like that, but I do believe there are some issues that he uses the drinking to help him cope. I know there is not perfect person but I do believe if you don't ask for what you want, then you wont get it. Its taken me two yrs to help him see the type of relationship I want in my life. He tells me to just let him do one day at a time, ok I get that,but because I said I wouldn't tolerate all the drinking this is when the one day at a time came into play. I quess you could say, What took me so long to see the drinking, He didn't let me see it at first. Anyway if I don't voice how it makes me feel then, I feel I will be letting him be happy and forgetting about me and No No that will not happen to me ever again. He states I'm controlling, but I believe we as women don't ask for what we want. I believe I DESERVE to loved the way I want to loved. I have grown over the yrs from my first marriage, but I know when it comes to love, I can sometimes not see things til after the fact. Just wanting to take things a little slower.
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Old 12-08-2012, 09:08 PM
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Ya know, I could say all those things about my AH that you just posted but once he twist the cap off that vodka bottle.... well, just screw me stupid! It's him and that bottle and not a second sooner than when he decides he's gonna take a break.

It's not about me and it's not about you. It's about them and the little reference about drinking being the mistress... I swear, I have felt cheated on by that damn bottle because it means more to him when it's front and center than ANYTHING, including me.

I believe, and only because I have seen it with my own 2 eyes, that it will get worse and worse and it has. He was never a nasty drunk with me but a damn fool... Hey, look at me! type deal and just 3 weeks ago he went on an 8 day bender and guess what??? I left because he was so unreasonable and I told him, YOU DRINK... I LEAVE FOR THE NIGHT!

It will progress if HE, not YOU, doesn't change it. Do you really want to go down that road because I can tell you this... I'm 34 years old and I refuse, after this relationship is over, (he's 54) to go through another one with a woe is me, I love you but I'm a selfish __________________ (<----------- Fill in the blank here) and I'll do what I want whether it hurts you or not but I love you baby! Ummmmmm... No thanks.

My brother told me 2 weeks after his wife up and left him... Boxy, I'm in love! I said, Oh yeah?!!! With who? and he said, MYSELF! I really think he's onto something and I'm going to cash in on a piece of that action if and when it's over.
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Old 12-08-2012, 09:30 PM
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You have a perfect right to be leery and no, you are not being "controlling" for not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has an addiction. Things will not get better if you marry him and could possibly get worse, what's in it for you? It isn't about dictating his life, it's about your own life and the kind of person you want to be involved with. The drinking is an issue for you and he doesn't want to or can't address it... now you know how seriously your concerns are being taken (i.e. not at all).

My exbf used to drink to cope as well, every problem that came up in life would have him running to the bottle. That is not healthy and eventually it came back to bite me in the a** and he was abusive and defiant, as well as sneaking around doing things behind my back. Not exactly the foundation of love and trust a relationship should be built on. Personally I could not go along with it, I thought he was killing himself and taking me down with him. The end of our relationship was excruciatingly painful but I believe I am on the road to a better life. He wanted to drink, a LOT and I do not miss wondering what bar he is at or if he would die of liver cancer.

I was married once before and someone else's bad decisions can ruin your finances & credit rating. I would not go down that road with an alcoholic, EVER.

Do yourself a favor and educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism, it is progressive and there is nothing you can do to control it or cure it.
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Old 12-09-2012, 03:02 AM
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I agree not getting married is a smart move.
The thing is there is no quick fix to your problem. So you know. He wont wake up tomorrow and be sober.
Being on these forums is the first step to making change either for yourself or the relationship in whole
Second set boundaries and there is a wrong and a right way to do so.
Third familiarize yourself with alcoholism. If you read something about it and think it wont happen or he isnt that bad etc stop yourself....cuz he is and it will.
Fourth dont enable . If he falls asleep on the porch and has to go to work
Leave him alone let him wake up on the porch having missed work
And fifth take care of yourself. You are just as much important as he is. Dont forget ut!
Furthermore welcome to sr
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Old 12-09-2012, 04:28 AM
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Can you describe what makes you think he's an alcoholic? Your guy is likely right but there are people who abuse alcohol who are not alcoholics.

I would highly recommend resolving this before marriage is considered and uhm... Use reliable birth control :-)

I would also suggest counseling before marriage. Most marriage counselors say people get to them 2-3 years too late. If he is not willing then that would be a deal breaker for me because I'd someone won't agree to that before the wedding they won't after and alcoholic or not, marriage is hard work. I'd rather have someone with more flaws and more willingness to change ...

There are signs and stages of alcoholism, do some googling and see what warning signs there are but trust your gut - in a marriage you don't need a majority vote to declare a problem, one vote is enough.
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Old 12-09-2012, 01:50 PM
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I have a similar story to share - it was a second marriage for me also. I did break it off when I saw the problem and I too had vow not to get intertwined with an A. He got sober and came back - stayed that way until the honeymoon! He tried to hide it from me and when I found out from the bartender at the hotel - he told that he likes to drink - can handle it and I would have to deal with it.

Short version - five years later - multiple attempts to stay sober I kicked him out and had to divorce him to save myself from financial complications. Give it more time to see how it plays out - whether or not it is a problem - it seems to be one for you - that is all that matters. Trust your own thoughts/feelings. Think about what you would tell your best friend if s/he were in the same situation. It can better or worse - are you prepared for either scenario?
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:04 PM
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I just know that he use to be a user and its like when he drinks, He tries to get drunk sooo fast and to me its like he is wanting that same high. Im not sure about this at all and I really don't want to judge him. He pays his bills, he keeps his paychecks, he hasn't given me reason to suspect he is using, I just have his FEAR!!! We split up for two months and I sometime wonder if he told me he wasn't gonna drink anymore to get me back. dumb question but I want to believe he has seen that he does do better when we are together. (Co dependent Moment, huh) I read a quote, it was really nice, The hardest thing and the right then are the same
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:55 PM
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Hello, after mentioning that I want us to go to counseling, he said I was the one that needed counseling. Well that spoke volumes to me. I will find me a meeting to attend for partners of alcoholics. Its like he wants me not to want him not to drink. Like this is sooo wrong, Well having a healthy relationship is very important to me. We will have to talk because he made a statement of me needing a man that doesn't drink. what is so wrong about wanting a healthy relationship?????
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