BlueSkiesAgain

You are all so wise and I need some help. I'm feeling sick right now. It is that sick feeling a mother gets when she is worried about her child. My son has been doing very well for the last few weeks. Almost like a different person in actions not just talk. Tonight he called and said he didn't want to go to AA. He had several reasons but I knew there was more to the story. I encouraged him to go and he told me I was harassing him and not to call him back or text him.

I decided I wasn't going to call him or text him. He will be calling me tomorrow. He always does. Here is where I feel back into the ways I'm trying to cure myself of. I rode by his house just to see if he was there because he said he just wanted to stay in and rest and do some computer stuff. He wasn't there. I knew he had plans to go somewhere I could just feel it. Now, here is the problem. His party friends are in town. I know he makes his own decisions and chooses to go with them and chooses to drink with them but he does extremely well in his recovery when they aren't around. But as soon as they are around he chooses to be a part of that.

It will take every bit of will power I have not to call or text him tonight. I just need to make it through this night. I'm sick.

Whip me back into shape. I desperately need it right now.

choublak

He told you you were harassing him and yet he's the one who called you?

LoveMeNow

Accepting we are powerless takes time but keep working on it. When it clicks, you lose so much of your anxiety.

I know you want something different your son, we all do, but it HIS life and he has to do this his way.

The only one "worrying" hurts is you. You can not control his decisions any more then you can control the weather. Tonight may be a good time to nurture your healthy relationships. Let go and let God!!

chicory

Be strong Mom, this is all part of his journey. You cannot change anything by worrying. If he really wants to change his life, he will, set backs or no.
This may be a blip he needs, to see how crappy life is while drinking. His HP has him in His hands. You can't change a thing, and being strong, letting go, and letting him make his own mistakes will be more helpful than anything you can do. You have a "Codependent No More" book, by Melody Beaty?
You can do this. That is the only thing you can control--You. I know it is tough.

sending a hug,
chicory

BlueSkiesAgain

I held firm and didn't call or anything. He just called and asked if he could come over and watch TV with us tonight. I think he realized that he was going to make a mistake and decided to skip hanging out with friends. I don't really know what happened just know that he wants to hang out here. I'm happy with the choice he is making but even happier that I didn't give in and send texts or call when I realized he wasn't home.

Maylie

Just sit down on the couch and take some deep breaths and concentrate on your breath going in and then out a couple times. Concentrating on my breathing helps me take a time out and calm myself down.

I always go by the saying don't go looking for answers when you know you won't like the outcome. Like the gf that checks the bfs phone to see if he has been texting other people, when you know he won't be home and it will just make you feel worse if you know it for sure, etc. You can't stop him for doing what he wants, so it is better to leave it be and not torture yourself by going by there and confirming your fears.

Tonight try to just relax and make it about you. Pick a movie you like, make yourself your favorite snack, etc. All you can do is worry about you. Worrying about him will only make you feel worse (and believe me I know it isn't easy to put the worrying aside).

If having his party friends in town always means he goes out then he is not ready to commit to recovery. If he was, he wouldn't talk to those people at all and he wouldn't even allow himself to find out they were home nevermind go out with them. He needs to choose to move on with his life and change his friends and until then all you can do is focus on yourself. I almost wonder why he even called you to tell you he wasn't going to the meeting. If he wasn't going to go, he wasn't going to go. There was no reason to give you a pit in your stomach.

I pray you find a way to relax tonight.

hugs

maylie

lillamy

Lots of love for you tonight, friend.
I don't have a child with addiction issues but I can relate to the pain of a parent worrying about her child.

He knows what he can do and should do. He knows that if he wants to drink, he can call his sponsor. He can go to a meeting. If he chooses not to, and chooses to drink this time, it doesn't mean he will always make that choice.

I sometimes say that some of us are just a little more thick-skulled and God has to whack us over the head with a two-by-four a couple of times before we realize that we're not supposed to be going that way... I pray your son figures it out quickly, for his own sake and for yours.

Maylie

I just saw what you wrote and I'm happy he made the right choice

Looks like that sick feeling will go away after all

BlueSkiesAgain

Thank you all. I am happy that he did make the right choice. It gives me a bit of peace to know that he really does want to work on his recovery. It also lets him know that he is still and probably always will be vulnerable. He did go to meet them but said he didn't stop. He sent them a text and said he would have to pass.

Small steps and one day at a time.

chicory

I am glad . I know your heart is comforted by his choice. Good you were strong, too. That may have spoken more loudly than anything you could have texted or said.

hugs,
chicory

BoxinRotz

My AH made an appointment to go to counseling. I was so proud of him because he did it on his own and I told him that. The night before the appt, he said, I'm not going because I don't want to BUT, I'll go for you. I didn't yell or scream at him or show my emotions. I wanted to reach through the phone and shake him though and tell him he needs this as a refresher course but I simply stated that if he didn't want to go for him, don't do it for ME!

Wow. To let that go was crazy. I knew if I put my foot down, we'd have a big fight and he'd hang up on me or I'd hang up on him and we'd both be at work pissed off at each other.

It's hard to watch, that's for sure. They put up such a fight for their booze/addiction/s... I sometimes think if AH would put up the fight with the tenacity he does for his sobriety instead of his vodka, ghesh.... he'd have the world by the balls. I'd have to beat the ladies off of him. lol

lillamy

I actually teared up when I read this. I'm not going to bore you with the details but I have teenagers who don't always make the best choices. And when they do make good choices, oh God, it just makes your heart swell! I'm so glad, for you and for him.

choublak

Why act committed when these friends aren't around, then?

I know he made a good choice so I'm not really referring to him, per se. Just the general behavior of being "committed" to recovery sometimes and other times not.

thislonelygirl

Happy for you. I think sometimes with good intentions we pull and all they do is push.
You did a good thing ...he needed to be the one to make that decision and hell feel even better wirh himself knowing the decision was his alone