Getting over x
 

So I left my abusive, alcoholic gf in June and thought I was getting over her. I went to Al Anon for a bit and stopped going when things got busy at work. I've been thinking about her a lot recently and even missing her. My x and I had some good times, but for the last 6 months to a year, maybe even longer, my x was horrible to me.

I don't know why I am missing her and why now, when I thought I was over her. Is this normal? Does any one have any tips to help me move on?

Hi KRA,
If you read some of my posts I have gone and am going through much of the same thing you are.
There are two things that were suggested to me that have helped me along the way.
One was to write on a note and place it on my bathroom mirror so that I would see it first thing every morning:

"Every time I see her, talk to her, text her or contact her in any way I feel like crap.
Just for today, do I want to feel like crap?"

And now that we have been no contact for a while I was given this prayer:

If you want to get over a heartbreaking end to relationship with as much speed and as
little pain as possible, do this:
Every time she comes into your thoughts, pray as sincerely as you can for her highest good.
Period!
Do not try to define what her highest good is.
Ex: that she grows up or appreciates how good you were for her, or quits drinking, or leaves her new boyfriend and comes back to you.
You cannot know what her highest good is-only God knows that.
So by just praying "I wish for her highest good."
It allows you to let her go, and turn it over to the universe.

I know that these tools sound too simple to work.
But they really have helped me.
Along with Al Anon which has been a life saver.
Keep going back!
Good luck.

Good suggestions above!

Its normal - grieving a loss of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional - is still a process. I think its because we grieve the loss of what could have been...the fantasy of it all. When I think about the reality of it, I am grateful its over!

I like soexhausted's idea of making a conscious point to address the thoughts and than banish them with a positive spin! I've heard folks doing similar things to stop the brain loop; being conscious of our thoughts all the time helps to control them.

I also try to stay busy, even if its boring tedious stuff. I get out and do things even though I really want to stay home and watch tv!

And I have thought a lot about my situation in ways to stop the obviously unhealthy patterns of choosing men who aren't healthy. When the time is right to date again, I will make sure to date "outside my comfort zone" because I think my comfort zone is what gets me in trouble!

My ex & split in July and I've been going through the same things... I am struggling in my head because there were so many good times and then so many really awful ones. I think it's difficult to forget someone when you have lots of memories, and nobody has come along to take their place. Being lonely is not always so much fun, so you think back to the person you used to be intimate with. Also for me the holidays have been really tough.

I had a lot of verbal abuse too and I've begun reading the book "Victory Over Verbal Abuse: A Healing Guide to Renewing Your Spirit and Reclaiming Your Life". I think something that happens as a result of the abuse is we begin to doubt and blame ourselves, maybe thinking we deserved some of it and it's our fault. Your self confidence can take an extreme hit. I've also been working with a therapist because I think I really need it now.

Also it has helped to stay focused on things I like to do, such as hobbies and such. I did try dating for a while but I wasn't feeling very positive about it all so I figured it was time to take a step back.

Hang in there...

I find that as time passes and we get farther from the situation we tend to push aside the horrible things that occurred that made us break up with them. I would be so mad when I broke up with someone and then a couple months later when I was removed from the situation I would suddenly think "It wasn't that bad.." and then I would suddenly remember all the good times we had. It is easier to remember the good times when you aren't in the middle of a toxic relationship.

Keep moving forward and reminding yourself of the reasons you left when you start really missing her. That has always helped me.

The holidays are coming so that probably doesn,t help.

We enjoy a loving relationship. When things don't go well, we initially work on it. We yearn for the loving times. We yearn for what we would like the relationship to be. We yearn to have it right now.

So, we work on reclaiming or expanding the good and eliminating or repairing the bad in it. Some of us work at it harder than others. Eventually, if that relationship ends, we can no longer work at it. No more couples therapy, compromising or talking it out. The other person is not around. We learn to and do stop working at it.

But we did not learn to stop yearning. We did not do anything about that. Not surprisingly then, the yearning has not gone away.

Many mountain climbers have failed to summit Mount Everest. They dismantle their tents, pack their gear, and begin heading back home. They take in that they are no longer climbing but descending. They go through those paces.

The expedition has ended, but the yearning to summit has not. At some point, they must come to terms with their yearning.

[

How do we come to terms with yearning?




QUOTE=Titanic;3709706]We enjoy a loving relationship. When things don't go well, we initially work on it. We yearn for the loving times. We yearn for what we would like the relationship to be. We yearn to have it right now.

So, we work on reclaiming or expanding the good and eliminating or repairing the bad in it. Some of us work at it harder than others. Eventually, if that relationship ends, we can no longer work at it. No more couples therapy, compromising or talking it out. The other person is not around. We learn to and do stop working at it.

But we did not learn to stop yearning. We did not do anything about that. Not surprisingly then, the yearning has not gone away.

Many mountain climbers have failed to summit Mount Everest. They dismantle their tents, pack their gear, and begin heading back home. They take in that they are no longer climbing but descending. They go through those paces.

The expedition has ended, but the yearning to summit has not. At some point, they must come to terms with their yearning.[/QUOTE]

KRA

Melody Beatty's books "Codependent no more" and "The Grief club" helped me, as well as therapy. I also went as a respectful visitor to AA/ this was way too helpful and made me realize I was not crazy, the addiction is very real. I could feel gratitude for not having been more hurt by the ex's addiction. Any way you see it - caring for an active addict will bring suffering, period. Also, you can miss, and you can still love, if you choose it/ that does not mean you have to act on anything.

The mourning process takes time, in the end there is acceptance and forgiveness/gratitude for the lessons learned. I thought I would never move on but some years later- I have, and life is much better, overall. Be patient and keep taking care of yourself / one day at a time.

You can do this,
Tc999

Thank you so much for posting this, KRA. I came on here today because I am having a very hard time with this same issue, and was hoping to gain some insight, and I thankfully came across your post.

I broke up with my XABF in October after discovering he was planning to cheat on me. I also found out that he was still drinking, although to be honest I think I knew that deep down. We would have been together for 2 years this Tuesday. I went through a phase of horrible sadness, followed by relief and clarity and feeling at peace...but for the last 2 weeks or so I have been having a lot more ups and downs.

Mind you, I have not seen my ex since the day I broke up with him, nor have I talked to him on the phone or through text. We did exchange some facebook messages and e-mails, but his last e-mail to me was a month ago and I told him not to contact me again. I miss him so badly it feels like my heart is rotting. I know I was miserably unfulfilled a lot of our relationship, yet it takes everything in me not to turn around and call him.

I have no idea what you are and are not doing, but going NC is absolutely necessary. I only began to feel better (before this current rut) when we stopped communicating. I do not look him up on Facebook or anything like that either. I imagine he is doing much of the same he was before, and your ex probably is too. On the off-chance that losing me was enough of a wake-up call for my ex, I'm glad I served that purpose...but at 26, I don't see that happening. There is a reason they are our exes.

it doesnt matter what type of relationship that ended, after awhile, the pain has eased and we are left remembering all the good times that were shared, and then we start fantasising about what could have been. this ignites those emotions all over again. but from someone who has done the whole, on again, off again relationship, the bad bits ALWAYS come back.

someone once told me....you should never go BACK to a relationship. you should only move FORWARD towards one.

the way i now let go (this is the final stage of grief btw) is to ask myself, what did i learn about myself in that relationship, what traits in this relationship do i not want in my next, and what ones did i like. you dont have to think bad things about your last gf, nor do you have to regret the relationship. you were meant to meet and go down that track, but if you go back, then it just means that you have not finished learning the lesson you were given.

just my view. hope that helps.

KRA, sending you hugs and compassion. It's so so painful. I am in the midst of an episode that increasingly looks to be a breakup. Never mind that the relationship was problematic or toxic, the pain is still excruciating. I don't know when it will end and like you, Im desperately looking for answers to how to make it through. The pain is so all encompassing that I feel desperate for relief. Hearing friends and family congratulate me for this as if it is a victory exacerbates the pain.

A great suggestion someone recently suggested to me was to try not to search desperately for answers the way I described above. Instead, try not to treat healing from a breakup in such a heavy handed and overly serious way. Instead, she encouraged me to try to see the process as a long experiment. You try different approaches just to see what works, and don't get too hung up if one approach doesn't work. Just try another. Shop around for ways to take care of yourself. So hard not to have immediate results when you are hurting, but I do like the idea at least of a more relaxed approach to seeking solutions.

Sorry you are going through this. I wish you find some relief soon.

Sending hugs your way.

It has been over a year since my divorce, it took me three years of separation to get the divorce so I am a slow learner. Actually I have many thoughts that my XAH would sober up and all would be fine.

In the days since... I have had my moments of drifting back to the good times and am now very practiced at reminding myself there was a reason I went for the divorce.

As someone shared with me... you went into the relationship for positive reasons which do not go away - you left for reasons that no one could argue - lately I have reviewed our relationship with a new lens (as a result of time and getting a new life) and see so much of it more clearly with all the red flags and i shake my head wondering what I was thinking and we all know I wasn't thinking.

I developed a phrase "loving someone from a distance" as a sort of mantra to allow me to feel the love and then recognize the reality. Hoping this helps.

I developed a phrase "loving someone from a distance" as a sort of mantra to allow me to feel the love and then recognize the reality. Hoping this helps.[/QUOTE]

Loving someone from a distance! I love that :):scoregood

It's normal.

it's the holidays.

It's been awhile so the pain from the ugly things she did to you has faded.


You're lonely. It's probably time for you to start dating so that you can desire a healthy relationship and not an unhealthy one.