Jail....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Jail....
I dont know what jail is like. My A is currently in custody for second DUI and wanton endangerment charge. He did this. He needs to be there. It's his third time arrested in seven months so it's really getting out of hand. Previously he didn't have to stay long. He's been in for a week. Not sentenced yet.
I haven't been accepting his collect calls and yesterday I did. I just felt like I was strong enough to converse with him. I didn't accept apologies, listen to what he will do to fix this, etc. frankly, it's on him. He asked me if I knew he loved me and I said yes, but his actions spoke louder than anything, and that until he decides he's tired of this life, he will love alcohol more.
He went on to say that they give a bar of soap to you and that's it. Once you run out of soap, you get no more. You have to get soap, deodorant, any toiletries from the commissary. Is that true? He has no money in his account, and I don't want to 1) make this easy for him at all. I know jail is not a five star resorts and he needs to be there to pay for what he did. 2) if I put money in his account, his booking fees come off the top, so he says. I'm not paying those.
I'm struggling with him not having the basics that I would want for any human being, but I don't want to cross the line and smooth over his consequences. Honestly, maybe if he doesn't have the bare necessities (which could very well happen if he becomes homeless at some point) then maybe he will see more of whether he wants to change his life.
I want him to be clean, feel at least like a normal clean person while hes there, but I don't want to pay his jails fees or impede any bottom he way hit. I don't even know if I should visit him, I don't even know if I could bring him soap and stuff without seeing him. Care package?
Help
how does this work?
I haven't been accepting his collect calls and yesterday I did. I just felt like I was strong enough to converse with him. I didn't accept apologies, listen to what he will do to fix this, etc. frankly, it's on him. He asked me if I knew he loved me and I said yes, but his actions spoke louder than anything, and that until he decides he's tired of this life, he will love alcohol more.
He went on to say that they give a bar of soap to you and that's it. Once you run out of soap, you get no more. You have to get soap, deodorant, any toiletries from the commissary. Is that true? He has no money in his account, and I don't want to 1) make this easy for him at all. I know jail is not a five star resorts and he needs to be there to pay for what he did. 2) if I put money in his account, his booking fees come off the top, so he says. I'm not paying those.
I'm struggling with him not having the basics that I would want for any human being, but I don't want to cross the line and smooth over his consequences. Honestly, maybe if he doesn't have the bare necessities (which could very well happen if he becomes homeless at some point) then maybe he will see more of whether he wants to change his life.
I want him to be clean, feel at least like a normal clean person while hes there, but I don't want to pay his jails fees or impede any bottom he way hit. I don't even know if I should visit him, I don't even know if I could bring him soap and stuff without seeing him. Care package?
Help
how does this work?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Let him be. My 2 cents
3 arrests in seven months, he needs to sit on it.
Doesn't mean you don't care, doesn't mean you are heartless.
This may be a chance for him to see that his life could be different, not one of chaos and uncertainty.
I'm so sorry you are faced with such a hard decision.
Does he have a lawyer of public defender??
You are both in my thoughts and prayers today.
Katie
3 arrests in seven months, he needs to sit on it.
Doesn't mean you don't care, doesn't mean you are heartless.
This may be a chance for him to see that his life could be different, not one of chaos and uncertainty.
I'm so sorry you are faced with such a hard decision.
Does he have a lawyer of public defender??
You are both in my thoughts and prayers today.
Katie
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
What he saying is typical. The State issues you a 3inch bar of soap & that is it. Frequently, they no longer receive "3 hots & a cot". It is 2 meals a day (breakfast & dinner) because of cost cutting & have to sleep on the floor in gyms or dorm type settings due to overcrowding. Big city urban type jails are particularly dangerous with gangs controlling various activities. It is not a vacation or a health club. Actually, many times prisons are a better quality of life for inmates because they have more freedom & activities. However, that being said, it is a consequence of addiction. Some folks got to jail one time and never return while others use the jail as a "revolving door".
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He will be fine, they all whine, moan, complain and want money...but not for soap...cigarettes, junk food and many times illegally traded "stuff". He has the basics, he is attempting to manipulate you. He's been in jail before, he knows the ins and outs.
Me, I'd go no contact, they all say the same things, if you keep talking to him you will be sucked back into the vortex, he knows your weak spots, he knows how to work you inside and out.
Me, I'd go no contact, they all say the same things, if you keep talking to him you will be sucked back into the vortex, he knows your weak spots, he knows how to work you inside and out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Ursula,
I would do whatever thing is going to make you feel most at peace.
It seems you have very good reason to not put money in his account and that you do not want to do so. Your feelings and reasonings on that are sound. You don't have to doubt yourself so much.
If you want to visit him, visit. If you do not want to do that, then don't. I probably wouldn't visit or talk on the phone but it isn't my decision to make.
He'll survive a soapless shower. Seems a small price to pay for the reason he is there. What is going to bring you peace though? If you are more at peace by just letting him be to work this out on his own, that is perfectly fine. If it is good for you to drop off a bar of soap at the front desk (or wherever one would do that), then do so.
Just take quiet moments to focus on what you need, in your heart, to be able to be at the most peace throughout the day. In my opinion these questions are not about him or what is best for him. These questions are about you. How can you care for yourself now? These were really hard for me when I was still in the middle of things so I know it isn't as easy as it sounds. Looking back I can clearly see the decisions I made based on my own personal compass and those that were made as a result of guilt, confusion, obligation, or pity. It wasn't so much about the individual choices as it was about me. I still feel good about the one's I made based on my own compass and the others - well they weren't major so I can't say I spend anytime regretting them but I sure didn't feel good about them at the time either. Those created turmoil and resentments towards him and myself.
I would do whatever thing is going to make you feel most at peace.
It seems you have very good reason to not put money in his account and that you do not want to do so. Your feelings and reasonings on that are sound. You don't have to doubt yourself so much.
If you want to visit him, visit. If you do not want to do that, then don't. I probably wouldn't visit or talk on the phone but it isn't my decision to make.
He'll survive a soapless shower. Seems a small price to pay for the reason he is there. What is going to bring you peace though? If you are more at peace by just letting him be to work this out on his own, that is perfectly fine. If it is good for you to drop off a bar of soap at the front desk (or wherever one would do that), then do so.
Just take quiet moments to focus on what you need, in your heart, to be able to be at the most peace throughout the day. In my opinion these questions are not about him or what is best for him. These questions are about you. How can you care for yourself now? These were really hard for me when I was still in the middle of things so I know it isn't as easy as it sounds. Looking back I can clearly see the decisions I made based on my own personal compass and those that were made as a result of guilt, confusion, obligation, or pity. It wasn't so much about the individual choices as it was about me. I still feel good about the one's I made based on my own compass and the others - well they weren't major so I can't say I spend anytime regretting them but I sure didn't feel good about them at the time either. Those created turmoil and resentments towards him and myself.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
alcoholism upsets me soo much this was avoidable if he allowed it to be by getting help.
i agree with others he needs to face what his drinking has done to him but more importantly i hope you are ok....i know that his problems tend to impact us and so i keep YOU in my heart and prayers that it wont.
i agree with others he needs to face what his drinking has done to him but more importantly i hope you are ok....i know that his problems tend to impact us and so i keep YOU in my heart and prayers that it wont.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Ursula, I agree with the other posters that you need to do what feels okay to you. I would have a terrible time with your current issue, and I feel for you. I hope my situation doesn't come to that with my husband. My brother I've already cut off. I want no part of what he is choosing. Whatever comes, you've got support here.
@Thumper - thank you for your post. I needed that one today.
@Thumper - thank you for your post. I needed that one today.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
The jail near me you are allowed to mail books only from the company or Amazon. They have to be soft cover only as the hard cover books are known to be used as weapons. Maybe mail him a spiritual book? I believe they do get a copy of the Bible. They are allowed to watch television but it is voted on & the bigger, more aggressive guys get to watch what they want.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
I have bought him a bible enscribed with his name, a living recovery bible, other books, little trinkets to remind him of sobriety and that I love him, taken him to meetings, been to detox, rehabs, visited him in rehabs, etc. I feel really over it right now. It's been a rough year of extreme alcoholism and no end in sight right now.
He ran into someone's house with his truck on a drinking binge. Passed out. Could've killed someone if they had been in the bedroom where he hit and the truck went through a little faster. It's progressively getting worse, and quickly. Several years of drinking and hiding how bad it was, then BAM! Binging until blackout or passing out every few months for weeks at a time. I know he's where he needs to be. No issues with that at all, and tbh, if he stays there for years, at least I know he's safe.
How sad is it that I just want to have him to have a hot clean shower, brushed teeth, and not stink! Omg I feel so stupid saying that. I guess to havea little dignity, although I clearly realize he could have taken away much more than these things from someone else with his behavior.
He ran into someone's house with his truck on a drinking binge. Passed out. Could've killed someone if they had been in the bedroom where he hit and the truck went through a little faster. It's progressively getting worse, and quickly. Several years of drinking and hiding how bad it was, then BAM! Binging until blackout or passing out every few months for weeks at a time. I know he's where he needs to be. No issues with that at all, and tbh, if he stays there for years, at least I know he's safe.
How sad is it that I just want to have him to have a hot clean shower, brushed teeth, and not stink! Omg I feel so stupid saying that. I guess to havea little dignity, although I clearly realize he could have taken away much more than these things from someone else with his behavior.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by choublak 
Don't take this as flaming, but honestly, if he starts to stink after he runs out of soap, I'm sure somebody will give him some soap to use. Jails are cramped quarters, can't have individuals stinking up the place.
rofl!
. My DH said same thing. My codie is going through all the worst case stuff. I go from thinking he's quacking, to severe thoughts of I cannot let him not have soap. My crazy brain, I tell ya...And really, soap is just the "thing" I'm calling this. It is soap, but the soap I guess represent basic human needs and dignity, I don't know...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
There are also programs the inmates can utilize through the jail, such as work release, or treatment programs. Some get sober through those programs and then do work release. Of course there are others who make their own alcohol in the jail...
I hope he makes good choices.
I hope he makes good choices.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Ursula745
I have bought him a bible enscribed with his name, a living recovery bible, other books, little trinkets to remind him of sobriety and that I love him, taken him to meetings, been to detox, rehabs, visited him in rehabs, etc. I feel really over it right now. It's been a rough year of extreme alcoholism and no end in sight right now.
He ran into someone's house with his truck on a drinking binge. Passed out. Could've killed someone if they had been in the bedroom where he hit and the truck went through a little faster. It's progressively getting worse, and quickly. Several years of drinking and hiding how bad it was, then BAM! Binging until blackout or passing out every few months for weeks at a time. I know he's where he needs to be. No issues with that at all, and tbh, if he stays there for years, at least I know he's safe.
How sad is it that I just want to have him to have a hot clean shower, brushed teeth, and not stink! Omg I feel so stupid saying that. I guess to havea little dignity, although I clearly realize he could have taken away much more than these things from someone else with his behavior.
He ran into someone's house with his truck on a drinking binge. Passed out. Could've killed someone if they had been in the bedroom where he hit and the truck went through a little faster. It's progressively getting worse, and quickly. Several years of drinking and hiding how bad it was, then BAM! Binging until blackout or passing out every few months for weeks at a time. I know he's where he needs to be. No issues with that at all, and tbh, if he stays there for years, at least I know he's safe.
How sad is it that I just want to have him to have a hot clean shower, brushed teeth, and not stink! Omg I feel so stupid saying that. I guess to havea little dignity, although I clearly realize he could have taken away much more than these things from someone else with his behavior.
Omghs! i am so sorry for you but i applaud you for sticking by your husband and being the lovign wife that you are. he is soooo blessed tghat he did not hit anyone...sooo soo blessed! i hope this helps him to realize the seriousness of drinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by Ursula745
How sad is it that I just want to have him to have a hot clean shower, brushed teeth, and not stink! Omg I feel so stupid saying that. I guess to havea little dignity, although I clearly realize he could have taken away much more than these things from someone else with his behavior.
You have supported him in getting the tools needed if he wants that kind of life - one where he can freely brush his teeth and take a shower. You have supported his spirit, saw him through detoxes, rehabs, scrapes with the law. You have cared for his dignity until he no longer cares for it himself. He gets more drunk and more dangerous and you get more heartache.
Ask yourself - what do you need to do to start preserving your own dignity? I don't have a right answer in mind with regards to your current situation but if you will find your own right answer if you look for it, rather than for his.
That is my heartfelt response. My 'oh please this guy doesn't deserve you in his life response' is that whining about the soap is nothing more than him doing damage control to get you to feel sorry for him and continue to stand by his side. He knows what buttons to push. He wants the status quo.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Ursula745
No my A is my brother.
Haha lol sorry...the relationship between yall is so close i only assumed. I must have missed it but then again im over here bouncing from computer to toddler. i apologize
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