Jail....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 145
Good afternoon Ursula745,
Thank you for sharing. Sorry that you have to go through this. I remember when my XABF went to jail for a week after his DUI (we were together at the time) and being very worried. Looking back on it, however, I should have just let him endured it like a grown man, but I, along with his parents, babied him so much that 2-3 months after getting out of jail and claiming those days in there really changed him, he relapsed, was back to drinking, lied about it though which was the worst, and was drinking and driving again. His response was "well I wasn't completely drunk while I was driving".
In regards to the showering thing, maybe it's just my ex, but whenever he was depressed, he stopped showering and caring for himself for days. He smelled terrible and that was while he was not in jail. I remember feeling bad for him when he called from jail saying he didn't shower because he wanted to avoid contact with other inmates, but why was I agonizing about him showering? He barely does that on his own accord in the real world.
I would suggest to do what makes you most comfortable, BUT also think about YOU and what is good for you. While sending him a care package or trying to care for him in some way is wonderful, what will it do for you? It will slowly suck you back into that chaotic world. Alcoholics, or at least my ex, have a way of being very persistent with the "I have learned my lesson" speeches when things are going bad and they need someone to enable/support/help them out of the situation they put themselves in. They know that we, the people who have always cared, will not let go and they chip away at us until we are sucked back in. Sure, some people are genuine when they say they have learned their lesson and have changed, but if history and all the SR posts are any indication, it takes A LOT of "bottoms". My ex and I were on and off 3-4 times in 3 years. I heard that "I have learned my lesson, I will be sober" speech MANY times and each time, I thought ok, well this one little thing won't suck me back in, but his persistence eventually won me over and as soon as I gave into his persistence, it all came crumbling down.
Stay strong and take care of yourself!
Thank you for sharing. Sorry that you have to go through this. I remember when my XABF went to jail for a week after his DUI (we were together at the time) and being very worried. Looking back on it, however, I should have just let him endured it like a grown man, but I, along with his parents, babied him so much that 2-3 months after getting out of jail and claiming those days in there really changed him, he relapsed, was back to drinking, lied about it though which was the worst, and was drinking and driving again. His response was "well I wasn't completely drunk while I was driving".
In regards to the showering thing, maybe it's just my ex, but whenever he was depressed, he stopped showering and caring for himself for days. He smelled terrible and that was while he was not in jail. I remember feeling bad for him when he called from jail saying he didn't shower because he wanted to avoid contact with other inmates, but why was I agonizing about him showering? He barely does that on his own accord in the real world.
I would suggest to do what makes you most comfortable, BUT also think about YOU and what is good for you. While sending him a care package or trying to care for him in some way is wonderful, what will it do for you? It will slowly suck you back into that chaotic world. Alcoholics, or at least my ex, have a way of being very persistent with the "I have learned my lesson" speeches when things are going bad and they need someone to enable/support/help them out of the situation they put themselves in. They know that we, the people who have always cared, will not let go and they chip away at us until we are sucked back in. Sure, some people are genuine when they say they have learned their lesson and have changed, but if history and all the SR posts are any indication, it takes A LOT of "bottoms". My ex and I were on and off 3-4 times in 3 years. I heard that "I have learned my lesson, I will be sober" speech MANY times and each time, I thought ok, well this one little thing won't suck me back in, but his persistence eventually won me over and as soon as I gave into his persistence, it all came crumbling down.
Stay strong and take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
When my XABF was in jail this past July, that was my first experience with something like that as well. He told me he needed money for necessities.I believed him. Come to find out later that they pretty much supplied what he needed. He spent the money I gave him on junk food that I later found out he gave most of away so he could be the "big man on campus". Don't waste your money. I only lost like 50 bucks, but that's not the point. Addicts lie. He will be fine. he is in jail for a reason. Stay strong.
PS expect all kinds of letters saying how he has changed and he does not want this lifestyle anymore. How he wants to stop the madness and what an eye opener this has been. It's all bull. They monitor his mail and he wanted to sound like a good little boy. The day he got out it was off to the races and the cycle continued.
PS expect all kinds of letters saying how he has changed and he does not want this lifestyle anymore. How he wants to stop the madness and what an eye opener this has been. It's all bull. They monitor his mail and he wanted to sound like a good little boy. The day he got out it was off to the races and the cycle continued.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
AH works in a prison n I did ask him the other day if there is a difference between county jail n state prison with regards to what they provide hygiene wise n he said they are provided with everything they need. If they want name brand, they buy it their selves with book money. The state n county give them non name brands but they do provide basic human needs.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
It depends on the jail/prison. I would say that a prison gives you more hygiene products because it is more of a permanent place. But I know as a fact, that Cook County Jail only issues inmates a 4 inch bar of State soap and that is it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Ursula745, my heart skipped a beat when you said it is your brother. I can tell you that for me, the inner torment that we feel for our genetic kin cuts even deeper than for someone we "elected" to be with. I have been through this with my son--so I understand exactly how you are feeling right now.
My dear, think of this. There are many worse things than being in jail or being dirty. I know that sounds like just a horrible thing for me to say---but, it is true. By the way, jails are a lot more humane than prison in terms of the basic needs---just so that you know. I think he is pulling on your heartstrings a bit. After all, he knows you so well...LOL. He KNOWS that soap has a lot of leverage with you. That is why he picked soap to talk about---he could have picked a lot of others...LOL.
Look at it this way. He is talking like a poor victim---but, he isn't. HE IS A VOLUNTEER. He drank and got into a car to drive. He has been to rehab enough to know that after the first drink (which is voluntary) he will drive drunk. He knows that people who drive drunk get dWIs and go to jail. He needs to learn that jail is no fun (which he is learning, right now). He knows that there is a way for him to lead a better life than this==and that it is free and works for those who choose that path.
Honey, these are the consequences that he needs to realize that will lead him to what you want the most for him---sobriety. I know you are swayed by the false "guilt" (and that hurts), but, consider doing the thing that will help him the most in the long run. Don't worry, he knows that you love him. He knows that down deep your bonds are strong and you aren't going to stop loving him. Right now, he is just "working" you.
Remember, again, that he volunteered for this! The presence of soap isn't what is going to change his thinking.
I hope these thought can help in some way to make you strong, right now, when you need it so badly.
Hang around and post as often as you wan t to. Many of us have been in your same shoes.
very sincerely, dandylion
My dear, think of this. There are many worse things than being in jail or being dirty. I know that sounds like just a horrible thing for me to say---but, it is true. By the way, jails are a lot more humane than prison in terms of the basic needs---just so that you know. I think he is pulling on your heartstrings a bit. After all, he knows you so well...LOL. He KNOWS that soap has a lot of leverage with you. That is why he picked soap to talk about---he could have picked a lot of others...LOL.
Look at it this way. He is talking like a poor victim---but, he isn't. HE IS A VOLUNTEER. He drank and got into a car to drive. He has been to rehab enough to know that after the first drink (which is voluntary) he will drive drunk. He knows that people who drive drunk get dWIs and go to jail. He needs to learn that jail is no fun (which he is learning, right now). He knows that there is a way for him to lead a better life than this==and that it is free and works for those who choose that path.
Honey, these are the consequences that he needs to realize that will lead him to what you want the most for him---sobriety. I know you are swayed by the false "guilt" (and that hurts), but, consider doing the thing that will help him the most in the long run. Don't worry, he knows that you love him. He knows that down deep your bonds are strong and you aren't going to stop loving him. Right now, he is just "working" you.
Remember, again, that he volunteered for this! The presence of soap isn't what is going to change his thinking.
I hope these thought can help in some way to make you strong, right now, when you need it so badly.
Hang around and post as often as you wan t to. Many of us have been in your same shoes.
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Thanks everyone and dandylion. He has the big book. And lots of other books. He knows AA. He knows the Bible. He knows Alanon. He knows it all. You're right. He made the choice. Today, I'm at peace. Thank you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
And today I'm not at peace. He's out. Has to serve his time on weekends beginning next weekend. Wife won't let him come home. He's going to be staying with a friend who can hopefully give him a job, too.
He called me and it was a lot of what he was going through, how I need to be there for him, he has nobody and his wife has all this support. I told him he had a group of friend and support in AA he could call. I got " yeah but they don't get me like you do, and, I don't trust them". I felt like the whole conversation was a bunch of crap. I could feel myself getting angrier. I finally told him to stop projecting onto me and to get out of his own head. He said he'd call later because his kids were visiting and asked me if I would answer. I told him I would if I wasn't busy, but if I was busy, then no, I would not.
Ugh!!! And now I'm thinking that I was harsh and will cause him to drink. Then i think I cannot possibly make him drink. Then I think he thinks I've abandoned him because I'm stepping away and our parents are gone. I'm the only family he has. Then I think he has tons of people that care for him in AA, church, friends, etc. he's just pulling on me because he knows he can manipulate me. And the people's house he hit are church members and a small community, so really maybe he doesn't have as many people that aren't mad at him right now for support.
Hmmm....I don't want this disease in my life anymore!
He called me and it was a lot of what he was going through, how I need to be there for him, he has nobody and his wife has all this support. I told him he had a group of friend and support in AA he could call. I got " yeah but they don't get me like you do, and, I don't trust them". I felt like the whole conversation was a bunch of crap. I could feel myself getting angrier. I finally told him to stop projecting onto me and to get out of his own head. He said he'd call later because his kids were visiting and asked me if I would answer. I told him I would if I wasn't busy, but if I was busy, then no, I would not.
Ugh!!! And now I'm thinking that I was harsh and will cause him to drink. Then i think I cannot possibly make him drink. Then I think he thinks I've abandoned him because I'm stepping away and our parents are gone. I'm the only family he has. Then I think he has tons of people that care for him in AA, church, friends, etc. he's just pulling on me because he knows he can manipulate me. And the people's house he hit are church members and a small community, so really maybe he doesn't have as many people that aren't mad at him right now for support.
Hmmm....I don't want this disease in my life anymore!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
He texted last night about 10 to see if I was awake. Today he called about 11. I didn't answer. I just texted him and told him I had already gone to bed, and that I was unable to talk today and that I love him and hope he's having a good day. That's all I can do right now. Just the thought of the phone ringing send me into almost panic mode. My heart is about to jump out of my chest and I cannot handle another conversation right now. I don't want to spend an hour on the phone today talking about alcoholism and right now we have nothing else in common.
And I feel guilty for it. I'm trying not to though. I have been so depressed I don't even have my tree up. I need to do that. I have no Christmas spirit.
And I feel guilty for it. I'm trying not to though. I have been so depressed I don't even have my tree up. I need to do that. I have no Christmas spirit.
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