Just Deserts!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Just Deserts!
About two month ago my relationship with XAGF ended.
We had been together many years.
She went into detox, then rehab, then sober living.
I faithfully stood by her during the trying times of her drinking.
And the entire rehab process.
Once she was in sober living and I saw no change in her behavior,
I decided that I finally needed to start taking care of myself and end things with her.
When I did talk to her, her response was "I guess it is a good thing that we are breaking up because I met a new guy in rehab."
So within two weeks of leaving rehab she had a new boyfriend.
Today makes exactly two months since we split up.
And as hard as it has been at times, I am proud to say that I have maintained "no contact."
I would be lying if i said I have not missed her at all.
There have been many days of pain.
But for the most part I have been doing surprisingly well.
People have even mentioned that I seem happy.
That they have never seen me smile so much.
Ironically I do not know if anyone said that when we were together.
I owe so much of the positive state that I am in to Al Anon.
The love and support that I have received in the rooms of Al Anon
throughout this whole ordeal have been a life saver.
Both when I was with her and now that we are no longer together.
Last night I get a call from a friend. She tells me that she has some gossip about my XAGF. But she understands if I do not want to hear it.
Now the Al Anon side of my brain was saying what ever is going on with her now is "none of your business."
It is time to let go and move on.
But the untreated side of my brain that has no program won out, and said "tell me?"
She said, "You know that guy that she started seeing?
Well he has already cheated on her!
All the two of them have been talking about is their undying love for one another.
Yet he couldn't even make it six weeks without cheating on her.
He begged her to forgive him and take him back.
So she is going to give him another chance."
Upon hearing this news I wish that I could tell you that my reaction was one of compassion for her.
I wish I could tell you that I know she is driven by her disease to make self destructive choices.
But this was not my reaction!
Instead I basked in the warmth of total gratification!
Oh well, I guess I might still have some spiritual work to do.
We had been together many years.
She went into detox, then rehab, then sober living.
I faithfully stood by her during the trying times of her drinking.
And the entire rehab process.
Once she was in sober living and I saw no change in her behavior,
I decided that I finally needed to start taking care of myself and end things with her.
When I did talk to her, her response was "I guess it is a good thing that we are breaking up because I met a new guy in rehab."
So within two weeks of leaving rehab she had a new boyfriend.
Today makes exactly two months since we split up.
And as hard as it has been at times, I am proud to say that I have maintained "no contact."
I would be lying if i said I have not missed her at all.
There have been many days of pain.
But for the most part I have been doing surprisingly well.
People have even mentioned that I seem happy.
That they have never seen me smile so much.
Ironically I do not know if anyone said that when we were together.
I owe so much of the positive state that I am in to Al Anon.
The love and support that I have received in the rooms of Al Anon
throughout this whole ordeal have been a life saver.
Both when I was with her and now that we are no longer together.
Last night I get a call from a friend. She tells me that she has some gossip about my XAGF. But she understands if I do not want to hear it.
Now the Al Anon side of my brain was saying what ever is going on with her now is "none of your business."
It is time to let go and move on.
But the untreated side of my brain that has no program won out, and said "tell me?"
She said, "You know that guy that she started seeing?
Well he has already cheated on her!
All the two of them have been talking about is their undying love for one another.
Yet he couldn't even make it six weeks without cheating on her.
He begged her to forgive him and take him back.
So she is going to give him another chance."
Upon hearing this news I wish that I could tell you that my reaction was one of compassion for her.
I wish I could tell you that I know she is driven by her disease to make self destructive choices.
But this was not my reaction!
Instead I basked in the warmth of total gratification!
Oh well, I guess I might still have some spiritual work to do.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
That is her Karma coming back on her.
You know, or at least I believe this without a shadow of a doubt, what we give off and out will come back to us threefold. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly.
My first two years in recovery were really not to great. I swear I was living with Murphy's Law and anything that could go wrong did. I finally was crying to my sponsor about it and she calmly said to me:
"Laurie that is still some of that bad karma you put out there for all those years, however, with the growing and changing you have been doing and your deep and honest care for your fellow man these days, I would suspect that pretty soon some of that good karma you are putting out will start to come back threefold."
You know what? She was right, not to long after my 2nd AA birthday, my life again started to change, promotion at work, bought a home, lots of things and all of a sudden "Murphy" was gone.
So I understand very well your saying that she deserved it, she does. Her karma is no longer your concern. She is still getting the consequences of her actions.
Sounds like you are still moving forward, and that is great. Keep up the good work!!
Love and hugs,
You know, or at least I believe this without a shadow of a doubt, what we give off and out will come back to us threefold. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly.
My first two years in recovery were really not to great. I swear I was living with Murphy's Law and anything that could go wrong did. I finally was crying to my sponsor about it and she calmly said to me:
"Laurie that is still some of that bad karma you put out there for all those years, however, with the growing and changing you have been doing and your deep and honest care for your fellow man these days, I would suspect that pretty soon some of that good karma you are putting out will start to come back threefold."
You know what? She was right, not to long after my 2nd AA birthday, my life again started to change, promotion at work, bought a home, lots of things and all of a sudden "Murphy" was gone.
So I understand very well your saying that she deserved it, she does. Her karma is no longer your concern. She is still getting the consequences of her actions.
Sounds like you are still moving forward, and that is great. Keep up the good work!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thanks laurie6781,
I am happy for you that you have gotten your life in order.
You are right. What goes around, comes around.
But I actually still feel sorry for her.
Even though she totally screwed me over, I cannot help but feel bad for her.
She has always been her own worst enemy.
She is going on four months sober.
I hope that this does not lead to her relapsing.
But she paid no head to the warning of early recovery romance.
So all I can do is hope that like you she one day does find recovery.
But her recovery is not my concern.
I have plenty to keep me busy working on my own.
I am happy for you that you have gotten your life in order.
You are right. What goes around, comes around.
But I actually still feel sorry for her.
Even though she totally screwed me over, I cannot help but feel bad for her.
She has always been her own worst enemy.
She is going on four months sober.
I hope that this does not lead to her relapsing.
But she paid no head to the warning of early recovery romance.
So all I can do is hope that like you she one day does find recovery.
But her recovery is not my concern.
I have plenty to keep me busy working on my own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
A quick update:
She did take him right back.
When she started going out with him right out of rehab many referred to it as "trading addictions."
This is certainly clear cut proof that "just another addiction" is exactly what this is.
Within two weeks of knowing one another they had the need to post on Facebook and announce to the world their incredible love for one another.
Then he cheats on the woman that is his great love just six weeks after meeting her.
Then she forgives him and takes him back.
This is not love.
This is pure addict drama!
This will go round and round until one or both of them relapse.
If they haven't already.
And my disease actually had me feeling the need to call her and lend comfort.
Thank goodness I refused to listen to that voice and did not call.
Watching their drama unfold is perversely entertaining.
But when I was an actual participant in her drama there was nothing entertaining about it.
The drama was all encompassing and destroying my life.
I must always remember that!
She did take him right back.
When she started going out with him right out of rehab many referred to it as "trading addictions."
This is certainly clear cut proof that "just another addiction" is exactly what this is.
Within two weeks of knowing one another they had the need to post on Facebook and announce to the world their incredible love for one another.
Then he cheats on the woman that is his great love just six weeks after meeting her.
Then she forgives him and takes him back.
This is not love.
This is pure addict drama!
This will go round and round until one or both of them relapse.
If they haven't already.
And my disease actually had me feeling the need to call her and lend comfort.
Thank goodness I refused to listen to that voice and did not call.
Watching their drama unfold is perversely entertaining.
But when I was an actual participant in her drama there was nothing entertaining about it.
The drama was all encompassing and destroying my life.
I must always remember that!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
She obviously has no self worth but you on the otherhand do & you can go on to find someone more worthy whom you can have a healthy relationship with.
I think xabfs new gf is also just an addiction or someone who allows his addiction or someone who cares about him. I don't think he'll be serious about her, he's an alcoholic how can he be?
I must admit to being a bit sickly amused by story soexhausted hee hee
I think xabfs new gf is also just an addiction or someone who allows his addiction or someone who cares about him. I don't think he'll be serious about her, he's an alcoholic how can he be?
I must admit to being a bit sickly amused by story soexhausted hee hee
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Yeah I missed mine for the morning but it passed. Got out & did plenty of exercise & feel good again.
They are toxic to us, doesn't mean we can't miss them or love them from a distance but it does mean we can't go back.
We, my friend, deserve better.
They are toxic to us, doesn't mean we can't miss them or love them from a distance but it does mean we can't go back.
We, my friend, deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Soexhausted...
Man I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is one of my little nagging fears that I will go through what you are feeling.
It truly sucks that you were there for her through all the crap and she behaved so selfishly and added insult to considerable injury.
I get the conflicting thoughts to, you want her to be OK because you are decent and kind but it's hard not to sit there and wonder "so which one of you is gonna be the adult and make sure stuff gets handled in this little fairy tale?"
A funny for you - I had an ex drop me like a rock for some loser who's been pecking away at her whenever we were not getting along. After she ran of with him a friend asked "what are you gonna do to get even with that guy?". My answer "Let him keep her".
Sorry again buddy, glad you resisted the urge to reach out because it sounds like drama drama drama and your username sums up what that leads to. Such a pain in the ass when we know we are better off but that gaping hole in the middle of your gut aches anyway.
Hope you are on your way to better and saner things
Man I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is one of my little nagging fears that I will go through what you are feeling.
It truly sucks that you were there for her through all the crap and she behaved so selfishly and added insult to considerable injury.
I get the conflicting thoughts to, you want her to be OK because you are decent and kind but it's hard not to sit there and wonder "so which one of you is gonna be the adult and make sure stuff gets handled in this little fairy tale?"
A funny for you - I had an ex drop me like a rock for some loser who's been pecking away at her whenever we were not getting along. After she ran of with him a friend asked "what are you gonna do to get even with that guy?". My answer "Let him keep her".
Sorry again buddy, glad you resisted the urge to reach out because it sounds like drama drama drama and your username sums up what that leads to. Such a pain in the ass when we know we are better off but that gaping hole in the middle of your gut aches anyway.
Hope you are on your way to better and saner things
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Soexhausted, I loved the last 4 lines of your original post and I'm sure your wry sense of humour will carry you through this. Most of us are not at such a spiritually pure level that we don't get a little bit of satisfaction when someone who has hurt us gets hit by karma. I think you've moved on from this lady and better things await you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by soexhausted 
Thanks Rosiepetal,
I am sickly amused as well.
I am not exactly sure why, but I am really having to fight the urge to contact her today.
I am sickly amused as well.
I am not exactly sure why, but I am really having to fight the urge to contact her today.
I know it is kind of humorous to see her "get hers" but then we (caring, compassionate, codependents) end up feeling bad for them. It's a viscous cycle of unhealthiness.
Keep working on you so you have the self worth to move on. And more importantly have the self worth to say NO when she tries to comes back, because she will sooner or later, they all do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What an uplifting post to read! Alanon also saved my life, the support enabled me to endure the most painful periods. Someone said "let us love you until you can love yourself." I still get the chills thinking about that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thank you all for your posts.
I went to two Al Anon meetings yesterday.
I knew that I needed them!
I was surprised that after my initial reaction of glee to her situation,
my mood soon turned to one of despair.
I had to ask myself why I actually felt worse now then when I knew she was off with her new man?
Then it struck me.
Because that is who I am with her.
My disease keeps telling me that I am still responsible for her well being.
Her wants, her needs, her happiness, that is my job.
The term used by many police agencies couldn't say it better:
"To Protect And To Serve."
No matter what the consequence to me.
Knowing that she is content is all that matters.
I heard a man in Al Anon once say:
"I am only happy, when she is happy."
That was me. I had a role to play in her life. And I played it well.
And that also explains why I am feeling the way I do right now.
I always made taking care of myself a distant priority over hers.
But now I can recognize what I am doing.
It will take time and working on myself to change my feelings.
But it will not take time to change my actions!
I went to two Al Anon meetings yesterday.
I knew that I needed them!
I was surprised that after my initial reaction of glee to her situation,
my mood soon turned to one of despair.
I had to ask myself why I actually felt worse now then when I knew she was off with her new man?
Then it struck me.
Because that is who I am with her.
My disease keeps telling me that I am still responsible for her well being.
Her wants, her needs, her happiness, that is my job.
The term used by many police agencies couldn't say it better:
"To Protect And To Serve."
No matter what the consequence to me.
Knowing that she is content is all that matters.
I heard a man in Al Anon once say:
"I am only happy, when she is happy."
That was me. I had a role to play in her life. And I played it well.
And that also explains why I am feeling the way I do right now.
I always made taking care of myself a distant priority over hers.
But now I can recognize what I am doing.
It will take time and working on myself to change my feelings.
But it will not take time to change my actions!
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Don't be surprised when you hear from her.
If she's feeling deflated/hurt/betrayed, she very well might come back looking for you - the good guy in her life -- for some rescuing, reassurance and ego stroking.
Be prepared!
If she's feeling deflated/hurt/betrayed, she very well might come back looking for you - the good guy in her life -- for some rescuing, reassurance and ego stroking.
Be prepared!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
As I stated previously I had been feeling really bad thinking that she must be suffering through all this.
Sometimes when we are feeling bad for the alcoholic it can be such a fine line between deciphering on whether our feelings are one of compassion or codependence.
I went to a party on Saturday night and had a few cocktails.
So what was the first thing I did when I got home?
I e-mailed her.
It could have been worse. I could of phoned her.
I did not want to tell her that I knew of her cheating boyfriend.
So instead I let her know that even though we do not speak I still love and care about her.
Two full months of no contact out the window.
She has not replied. I did not expect her too.
There is no way that she wants to tell me that the incredible love that she had found turned rotten.
She also does not need to contact me right now because I just handed her a big present.
I fed her ego. And let her know that I am still out there for her if she needs me.
So right back to day one of no contact.
This event however taught me a big lesson.
I am never going to be able to put an end to this cycle until when someone says
"do you want to hear some gossip about her?"
And I say a resounding NO!
Sometimes when we are feeling bad for the alcoholic it can be such a fine line between deciphering on whether our feelings are one of compassion or codependence.
I went to a party on Saturday night and had a few cocktails.
So what was the first thing I did when I got home?
I e-mailed her.
It could have been worse. I could of phoned her.
I did not want to tell her that I knew of her cheating boyfriend.
So instead I let her know that even though we do not speak I still love and care about her.
Two full months of no contact out the window.
She has not replied. I did not expect her too.
There is no way that she wants to tell me that the incredible love that she had found turned rotten.
She also does not need to contact me right now because I just handed her a big present.
I fed her ego. And let her know that I am still out there for her if she needs me.
So right back to day one of no contact.
This event however taught me a big lesson.
I am never going to be able to put an end to this cycle until when someone says
"do you want to hear some gossip about her?"
And I say a resounding NO!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
When a recovering alcoholic really wants to drink they make phone calls and go to AA meetings. Their desire to drink can feel overwhelming.
When we start to crave the alcoholic our drive can feel just as powerful.
And even though I went to two Al Anon meetings in one day I knew in my gut that relapse was going to be inevitable.
But the difference between now and say six months ago is that relapse lasts one day.
Rather then one month.
When we start to crave the alcoholic our drive can feel just as powerful.
And even though I went to two Al Anon meetings in one day I knew in my gut that relapse was going to be inevitable.
But the difference between now and say six months ago is that relapse lasts one day.
Rather then one month.
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