KKE

Hi

So a lot of you already know what's been happening with me and my AH. He left me a couple of days after doing a home detox. He is a runner and this is not the first time he has left.

Anyway, two days ago after a week of completely ignoring me he has made a comeback. He says he wants to take things "slow" and we need to "talk" but he wants to be with me.

I wasn't expecting this. My main reason for not wanting to jump back in is the humiliation he caused me. Our lives have once again been exposed to everyone because of the public drama he has created. I have been ill and it's affected me at work. I have been so low with it all. I know what the right thing to do is but I also know that deep down, of course I want to be with him. But I know right now I can't.

I have been advised my another member to basically do nothing right now. I haven't said either way to him what I want.

Your thoughts and experiences would be much appreciated.

Titanic

Work on your recovery while he works on his (actions not words). Give it at least 6-9 months (per Al-Anon) from when you start working your recovery program. Al-Anon and individual counseling would be great for you. Later on, you may want to try Behavioral Couples Therapy (ask his addiction care professional or team), or marital counseling by someone qualified or experienced in addiction care.

That time period is a drop in the bucket, and well worth the investment, if you two ultimately decide to continue on a lifetime together.

Be patient. Be smart. Be caring and respectful to yourself first.

KKE

Thank you for this.

I went to alanon twice and hated it...... Just felt so "exposed". All facing each other etc. I felt really uncomfortable having to read stuff out loud at the beginning of the meeting..... Just way too many emotions for me to be showing to strangers.....

SparkleKitty

I'm sorry you were so uncomfortable at the meetings you attended. If you decide to go back, remember that everyone is there for the same reason, you're just all on different timelines. There is nothing to be ashamed of in that room, just like on these boards.

dollydo

Why jump back in so soon? What's the rush? Let him show you his resolve over a long period of time, if he is clean and sober and working a strong recovery program then you can consider getting back with him. 7 weeks is a mere blip on the radar screen, and he has dropped off it several time before, he has admitted that he has mental issues, believe him. History repeats itself.

KKE

There is definitely no rush at all. Even if I wanted to I couldn't just jump back in anyway. Too embarrassing. Plus I think it would be an idea to experience his cycle under his mums roof so he can see it can happen anywhere. Not just here.

inpieces314

If he is serious he will stick around while you work on yourself.

And also work on himself in the process.

NYCDoglvr

What makes you think he'll be different? Because he says so?

KKE

Nothing makes me think he's going to be different. I'm pretty sure he won't. I want to be different though....... I want to not get stressed by his behaviour to the point I'm crying and can't function. I want to be ok for when he let's me down again.

dollydo

"Nothing makes me think he's going to be different. I'm pretty sure he won't. I want to be different though....... I want to not get stressed by his behaviour to the point I'm crying and can't function. I want to be ok for when he let's me down again. "

Have you been back to therapy? For some reason he takes over your entire mindset, your well-being. He is just a man, not a god, there are millions of other single men in your part of the world, most who are not addicts and do not have mental issues, why not realign your focus and get busy living your life, not just laying in his shadow waiting for him to throw you a crumb. You deserve so much better, get it!

KKE

Yes I started going back regularly again. I'm actually recovering from norovirus at the moment otherwise I would've gone back to alanon (which I don't enjoy) today.

You're right, he's definitely not a god.....

KKE

Hey, happy new year to you all, just an update for you all. Haven't been on for a while with Xmas etc.

So, the 2 weeks he had off over Xmas and new year proved very difficult for him. His drinking escalated big time. Yesterday he said he needs to stop drinking and is going to stop. I'm pretty sure it won't be forever but for now he's taking a "break" from it if you like.

I'm ok, we have had some great days but just trying to stay as detached as possible from his addiction. I know deep down i should probably just leave him if he's not going to get professional help. He seems to think he can stop on his own. Doubt it.

Katiekate

Happy New Year !

Hi, thanks for letting us know what is going on.

Sending out much love to you guys.

Keep us posted. We care!

Recovering2

When I read your comment "of course I want to be with him" I thought to myself....."Why?" I don't think it needs to be of course. Somone who has embarrassed you, has let you down, humiliated you, let you down.
I agree that if he's serious and working a program, then he will respect your decision to maintain space while you work on you. If that makes him angry or he gets manipulative, then you know he's not serious.
I hope you give AlAnon another chance. I was uncomfortable with my first group. I was told to go to 6 meetings before making a decision, and to go to different groups. But attend at least 2 meetings with the same group. I found a group that I'm really comfortable with. It took me 3 groups to find it, but I'm glad I kept trying.

dollydo

Good grief, I hope that you know what you are doing. I feel like I am watching the same movie, over and over again.

Wish you the best for 2013!

crazybabie

Keep in mind that you can always pass on doing any out loud readings.

laurie6781

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Love and hugs,

Shadydeal

I strongly suggest you give it time time time! I understand your desire but for me....it's the one mistake I made over and over meaning I jump backed in! Time can only help and be benefit everyone! Best wishes!

thislonelygirl

I just want to say . You are not alone no matter what ups and downs have taken place
Weve all been humiliated by the alcoholic in our lives.
I couldnt even if I tried to write down the number of times my ah went off like a drama king .
Instead of just keeping quiet...and being happy we are found with a recovering alcoholic or one who is still using that we are at the butt of their addiction.
I have been humiliated in my own home, to friends to family to neighbors to people I dont even know.
To myself. They are joy suckers and instead of proper communication and fixing things
They run away or run off in their mouths and actions.
I would suggest doing what YOU feel you should do .
I would let him work for it lol
Good luck

ReflectingOnMe

I hate alanon too. I just feel so exposed..and guilty. I am just an xgf. The parents of As sadden me so. I dont feel right mourning my relationship with axbf in front of people who have had to write off their own children for their own sanity. My problems seem so insignificant compared to theirs..but when I go. I know I can cry.be angry..talk or be silent and know that not one person there looks on me with pity but instead they look upon me with understanding.