Difficult People
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Difficult People
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Difficult People
Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn't; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not. We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our present. We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.
It is time to let it go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system.
We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account.
We enter into a relationship with that person on new terms - taking our needs and ourselves into account. If a person is addicted to alcohol, other drugs, misery, or other people, we let go of his or her addiction; we take our hands off it. We give his or her life back. And we, in the process, are given our life and freedom in return.
We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us. We take responsibility for our life. We go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.
We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We get angry, we feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free from bondage.
This is the heart of detaching in love.
Today, I will work at detaching in love from troublesome people in my life. I will strive to accept reality in my relationships. I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Difficult People
Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn't; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not. We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our present. We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.
It is time to let it go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system.
We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account.
We enter into a relationship with that person on new terms - taking our needs and ourselves into account. If a person is addicted to alcohol, other drugs, misery, or other people, we let go of his or her addiction; we take our hands off it. We give his or her life back. And we, in the process, are given our life and freedom in return.
We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us. We take responsibility for our life. We go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.
We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We get angry, we feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free from bondage.
This is the heart of detaching in love.
Today, I will work at detaching in love from troublesome people in my life. I will strive to accept reality in my relationships. I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thanks for posting. What I've learned is expectations destroy more relationships and cause more misery than practically anything else. I had big problems with my brother because I expected him to say and do certain things. When I let go of expectations the relationship turned into the one I'd always wanted. He's not an alcoholic, understand, just a difficult person. I think expectations are a way of sabotaging our own happiness.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I agree with NYC about expectations. It's not that people are difficult it's that they won't behave the way I want them to. The more I give up putting people in boxes the more content my life becomes.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Lovemenot, I am very torn as I am reading your post. Actually, I absolutely agree with the basic premise. I am in the process of detaching with love from many loved ones--those which I did not choose---those I am blood-related to.
This is the part which is not mentioned very much*****there is a process which is identical with grief---like grieving the death of a loved one---that preceeds the detachment with love******. If one does not know to expect this painful grieving---it throws a person for a loop---the pain and suffering is appalling, and just feels unbearable.
One does not just "slip" into this new way of dealing with the difficult (impossible) person by simply gaining intellectual insight and reciting some affirmations. One has to process all the emotions of allowing the old relationship (and dreams) to die---before the new detached relationship becomes a reality. When it is family, if feels like turning oneself inside out.
I have been crying on and off for the better part of three days because of this very thing. The holidays coming up don't help, either!!
Detachment with love is
not quickly or easily attained in my opinion.
I just think everyone ought to know.
sincerely, dandylion
This is the part which is not mentioned very much*****there is a process which is identical with grief---like grieving the death of a loved one---that preceeds the detachment with love******. If one does not know to expect this painful grieving---it throws a person for a loop---the pain and suffering is appalling, and just feels unbearable.
One does not just "slip" into this new way of dealing with the difficult (impossible) person by simply gaining intellectual insight and reciting some affirmations. One has to process all the emotions of allowing the old relationship (and dreams) to die---before the new detached relationship becomes a reality. When it is family, if feels like turning oneself inside out.
I have been crying on and off for the better part of three days because of this very thing. The holidays coming up don't help, either!!
Detachment with love is
not quickly or easily attained in my opinion.I just think everyone ought to know.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Oh my gosh Lovemenot.
Thank you so much.
I just read that & believe it or not I have just done that yesterday.
I am going to love my xabf from a distance.
I did forgive, I did let go & I feel good.
You've just confirmed I did the right thing.
Thank you so much.
I just read that & believe it or not I have just done that yesterday.
I am going to love my xabf from a distance.
I did forgive, I did let go & I feel good.
You've just confirmed I did the right thing.
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