MamaKit

It seemed on Friday that my STBXAH had seen the light and agreed to the reasonable terms laid out in amended protection from abuse order. That afternoon I thought that it was just a matter of sending it into the judge. Well, I guess I have had the rug pulled out from under me. He is not responding at all - has ignored all communication since Friday. Is he continuing the game of chicken or is he intending to take this to trial.

He threatened to make our children parentless almost 6 months ago. He smashed things around the house and made me and our boys so fearful. He came looking for us when we fled and let me know he was not afraid if I called the police. That I would feel his wrath.

My logical mind tells me (and my lawyer) that I will prevail if we go to trial. But my fears of another outcome are getting the best of me. He has not met his one condition of seeking a substance abuse evaluation and following a treatment program if that evaluation required it. That does not bode well. An clearly he is not making wise decisions. The risks for him are huge if we go to trial and he loses. (BTW I have proposed generous visitation with the children - I only asked to maintain temporary sole custody of the children until it is resolved in our divorce which is underway. Our mediation is only 3 weeks away and we could have resolution of custody shortly thereafter)

I will spend today getting informed about what the potential ramifications will be if the outcome is bad.

I feel like a zombie. Shut down. I must find it in me to be strong and continue my course. I will be prepared regardless. I just pray that we either come to an agreement before trial or that I prevail if a trial comes to pass.
Thanks for letting me share what's going on - I know that you get it.

MamaKit

Tuffgirl

Hugs and prayers from me today, Mamakit. I hope you are also being careful about your own safety.

choublak

If you have to file any kind of protection/restraining order against someone, don't expect them to be reasonable. If they were reasonable you wouldn't need a protection order in the first place.

SparkleKitty

Many many hugs and sending all the strength I have your way!

Thumper

Sending you strength. Remember, all you have to do is the next right thing. One foot in front of the other.

Thelma

I'm only asking this for the child's sake, but if your son is afraid of him, and your STB is making threats, have you considered supervised visitation? I don't want to scare you but what if he bolts with you son to get back at you?

MamaKit

Well, he's not making threats anymore or else he would be in jail via the temporary protection order. They have had supervised visits to date. I have asked that the next visit be supervised or take place in a public venue. He is also required (under this agreement that we don't have yet) to ensure they check in with me mid-point during the 4-hour visit. He's required to stay within a certain radius of our home town too.
His interaction with them by phone, skype and his last visit were generally positive. My biggest concern when he is with them is driving drunk (and to be honest, bad-mouthing me - but that's not important at the moment).

dandylion

Dear Mamakit, I urge you to consider this man's potential for doing harm in the utmost seriousness. He has threatened your life. Please, if you have not done so, contact your local domestic violence group and share your situation with them. This is what they exist for. You need their support and advice. Your very life and that of your children may depend on it.

Being ultra prepared will help you feel more (not less) secure. Nothing is worth your life or that of your children.

I don't wish to come across as an alarmist---but, in situations of domestic violence, this is not an overreaction.

very sincerely, dandylion

MamaKit

Dandylion,
Thank you. I have met with DV counselors and also have a regular therapist that specializes in DV. I also have an emergency plan for me and the kids and a place to go at a moment's notice. That place is the home of someone he does not know. I also carry protection with me. I try to balance being prepared with not letting him dictate my every breath through fear. He is mostly out of state across the country and he has little by way of financial resources - so, that is good. I have no illusions about a piece of paper protecting me either. I do believe that he loves his children and I will be open to the idea that he will eventually see that his past behavior will only get in the way of that relationship. I will watch his actions carefully and hope that he can get his act together and be decent.
Tomorrow is the trial date - we will either go to court and have a trial on the PFA or reach an agreement. I hope for an agreement.
I have good resolve today - feeling pretty strong. Taking one step at a time.
Thanks for all of your support and concern.
Hugs,
MamaKit

ShootingStar1

Good luck! We're rooting for you! Let us know how it goes,

ShootingStar1

MamaKit

So we did not go to trial. He wanted to continue to negotiate parental rights and my attorney said no. He agreed to the PFA. It's good for 2 years. It maintains that I have sole parental rights until the divorce process addresses that issue. I conceded to change the visitation times for this weekend - which was not a big issue. He is also required to tell me if he goes to our old house (which is under contract) - because I check on it from time to time. He notified me that he would be there tomorrow - In reply I said thank you for letting me know and asked if he needed a key. He replied. "Just make sure I have access by 7am PERIOD!"
His communication skills are surely indicative that he will not be very good at co-parenting. Placing that bit of documentation in the file for later. I did not engage and emailed him where I left the key.

He still has not responded to requests for info about his substance abuse eval or any treatment/meetings/counseling. I would assume that if he had done those, he would be screaming from the rooftops. I guess it means he hasn't done anything in that regard. That's a true shame.

Anyway, I'm relieved that I didn't have to go through a trial today. I'm just crossing my fingers that the visit goes well with the boys.

I held my ground. It was really hard. I did it for my boys and not to "win" or beat him at anything. It was scary and he tried all he could to get me to cry "uncle" - but I didn't. Feel good about that

Thanks again everyone here on SR.
Hugs, MamaKit