What a week! Thank you, Serenity!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
What a week! Thank you, Serenity!
I've had the most mindblowing week and need to share. All I can say is, wow, serenity and detachment and al anon and all that really do work.
My long story short: 17 year marriage, 4 kids. I was a stay at home mom and over the last few years he's run a small consulting firm we bought from his former employer. First half of marriage was good but then the usual story, more drinking, more often, more denial, and things just went downhill from there. I left him 18 months ago and live in our home. He lives in a condo we bought nearby.
From here I've had a ringside seat to watching the progression of alcoholism. It has been so sad to see the smart, funny, kind witty man I married become an angry, paranoid, forgetful ghost. He did all the usual, denial, even in the face of losing his wife. Blame. Gaslighting. I gave him a year to get his act together, but when he did not, I initiated separation proceedings. We've been in that slow process. I have detached. I love him but won't continue to live with his insanity, or allow our children to be in it. I am looking forward to my new life.
This last week blew my mind, and put the tools I have learned to the test.
#1 I learned things were far worse with our firm than I had realized. AH's drinking had become such an issue that the employees asked him to work from home. He was doing nothing to really run the business. I have had to take over control of the company and ask him to step down.
#2 18 months of stress can do damage. I have been having trouble swallowing (the irony of that not lost on me) and had some tests. Today was an endoscopy to rule out cancer. As I lay on that gurney, I made a fresh resolve to spend more time with my kids, to live more. Test came back clear, thank god.
#3 My AH seems to be hitting bottom. At the meeting the other day with our senior manager, the first words out of employee's mouth were "This last year has been intolerable, and your drinking is a HUGE issue!" The game was up at that point, everything came out. I spent the weekend poring over spreadsheets and talking to our senior management and trying to get a handle on things.
On Monday, I met with AH over breakfast. I felt so....centered. We talked for a while. I was proud of myself, stayed loving but detached. I am so relieved that we don't have to live together, that I won't have to live with him. For the first time I heard him openly admit alcohol is a huge problem, and that he's lost control. My heart went out to my dear husband. I hope to God he can beat this. He is preparing to enter inpatient rehab of his choosing, and handing everything corporate off to me. Me, who has been a housewife for 15 years. What a week!
To everyone out there: The books, the meetings, therapy, it's all worth it. I could not have arrived at this place of peace amid chaos without those tools, and I know they will continue to guide me in the days ahead. Peace!
My long story short: 17 year marriage, 4 kids. I was a stay at home mom and over the last few years he's run a small consulting firm we bought from his former employer. First half of marriage was good but then the usual story, more drinking, more often, more denial, and things just went downhill from there. I left him 18 months ago and live in our home. He lives in a condo we bought nearby.
From here I've had a ringside seat to watching the progression of alcoholism. It has been so sad to see the smart, funny, kind witty man I married become an angry, paranoid, forgetful ghost. He did all the usual, denial, even in the face of losing his wife. Blame. Gaslighting. I gave him a year to get his act together, but when he did not, I initiated separation proceedings. We've been in that slow process. I have detached. I love him but won't continue to live with his insanity, or allow our children to be in it. I am looking forward to my new life.
This last week blew my mind, and put the tools I have learned to the test.
#1 I learned things were far worse with our firm than I had realized. AH's drinking had become such an issue that the employees asked him to work from home. He was doing nothing to really run the business. I have had to take over control of the company and ask him to step down.
#2 18 months of stress can do damage. I have been having trouble swallowing (the irony of that not lost on me) and had some tests. Today was an endoscopy to rule out cancer. As I lay on that gurney, I made a fresh resolve to spend more time with my kids, to live more. Test came back clear, thank god.
#3 My AH seems to be hitting bottom. At the meeting the other day with our senior manager, the first words out of employee's mouth were "This last year has been intolerable, and your drinking is a HUGE issue!" The game was up at that point, everything came out. I spent the weekend poring over spreadsheets and talking to our senior management and trying to get a handle on things.
On Monday, I met with AH over breakfast. I felt so....centered. We talked for a while. I was proud of myself, stayed loving but detached. I am so relieved that we don't have to live together, that I won't have to live with him. For the first time I heard him openly admit alcohol is a huge problem, and that he's lost control. My heart went out to my dear husband. I hope to God he can beat this. He is preparing to enter inpatient rehab of his choosing, and handing everything corporate off to me. Me, who has been a housewife for 15 years. What a week!
To everyone out there: The books, the meetings, therapy, it's all worth it. I could not have arrived at this place of peace amid chaos without those tools, and I know they will continue to guide me in the days ahead. Peace!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Wow, congratulations for all the hard work on yourself you've accomplished. It's beautiful. I understand and feel the same, I see huge changes in myself. Even when I get worried, am able to talk myself through it right back to peace. The tools we learn are an amazing gift. And the new strength, look at all you're doing. Now that you're not constantly in reaction mode - you can be in action.
Sending a prayer for your man, I can see you love him dearly. I love mine, too. Wonderful that he's entering rehab and admitting finally that alcohol has taken over! His Higher Power is at work . . . thankfully.
Sending a prayer for your man, I can see you love him dearly. I love mine, too. Wonderful that he's entering rehab and admitting finally that alcohol has taken over! His Higher Power is at work . . . thankfully.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good news that your husband has finally decided to enter some sort of treatment facility! I hope that this is just the start of his journey of continued recovery.
Congratulations to you for remaining so level-headed and peaceful. I hope everything works out well with your company in the future!
Congratulations to you for remaining so level-headed and peaceful. I hope everything works out well with your company in the future!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Seriously?! I thought I was reading one of my own posts at first. Me too. 17 years of marriage. Four children. Stay at home mom. Separated unofficially one plus years ago after a healthy first half of marriage and going down now fast.
Good work and keep yer chin up!
Good work and keep yer chin up!
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