Rosiepetal

Well a strange thing happened that brought the contact together. I was looking at my emails at home lastnight & found a friend request from ex which was odd. I didn't know what it was about & hoped he wasn't asking me to join facebook as I'd hate to see him & new gf in my face. Anyway I was concerned so I emailed from work asking what it was about & he said it was a scam & he'd had to delete all his contacts. To cut a long story short I did ask about being friends & he said it was too early. I agreed, gave my understanding & then my acts of random kindness kinda took me by surprise.
I told him I still loved him & prob always would but that I would love him from a distance & I would respect his new relationship regardless of the hurt. I told him about my sick dog whom he adored. He told me about his Mum. It ended by wishing him a merry xmas,new year & new life with his new partner & that if he ever needed a friend I was there for him.
He said the same.
I'm not sure how I feel. Sad it ended. Glad it's over. Fought back the urge to cry & know that there is some peace for both of us in what just happened.
Phew!

Tuffgirl

You have incredible forgiveness.

I am not sure I'd be so nice if I had to talk to my ex. I have one of his old computers - he's the administrator on it so I can't run certain updates so it won't play video streams...am I gonna call him? No way! I'm getting a new PC!

I go out of my way to NOT see him.

Someday I hope to be as mature and forgiving as you! ; )

ZiggyB

Hi Rosie,
I'm so glad that you got some closure and that the conversation went well. I was hoping for something of the same from axbf but he was very angry still the last time we had contact. You do sound like a very forgiving person as am I... no doubt that's how we get sucked into these dysfunctional relationships. I wish I could be friends with mine but there is so much pain involved as things ended very badly. I'm glad you feel ok about it all.

soexhausted

I am glad this conversation gave you some peace Rosiepetal.
The one part I do question is, "If he ever needed a friend I was there for him."
I have made this offer in the past. And when I have been taken up on the offer two things became clear to me.
Remember that we are dealing with narcissists.
The first was that, just as when we were together she took this to mean I will accept her however I can have her in my life.
She may completely disregard my feelings.
Once again I am willing to accept the role of having little or no importance.
Her thoughts, wants and desires are all that matters.
And the second was, do I really want to sit around as her buddy?
And discuss her new relationship problems?
The answer is a resounding NO!
I have not come this far, I have not gone this long of no contact,
to have her bring chaos into my life as a friend!

Rosiepetal

Point taken soexhausted.
I guess my meaning of this is really to offer my friendship in case he ever does go sober & needs a sober friend.
The very last contact I had with him ended in "if you ever need anybody to talk to about your drinking then I am there for you". I would stand by that.
All I know is instead of endless nights of not sleeping thinking about them both & feeling anger, for me to turn it around & wish him all the best in his new relationship restores some calm to me & feels like I can finally let go with positive thoughts.
I would not take him back as an active alcoholic.
He is still drinking & will probably continue to do so until it kills him.

Titanic

He can talk to his sponsor or AA members or his addiction care people about his drinking if he's working on recovery.

He can call you to make amends for his actions and drinking's devastating effects on you as part of his Step 9 work.

I'm glad that you feel good about what you did.

thislonelygirl

i am glad you found some sort of closure....its hard i know but you are meanding the hatred inside yourself by forgiving and moving forward.

Anon12

Wow, I really admire how you handled that - and glad you got closure of some sort. I still feel angry and know I can't be in touch with him as I was still in love with him when we split up. I want to feel detached but it's also scary - six years and then to feel nothing is sad too.

Good for you and I hope he doesn't bother you with his drinking but you can move on and find someone much more worthy of you.

NYCDoglvr

You're not ready yet to cut ties with the alcoholic. Every excuse is simply denial.

Rosiepetal

My response to that is this:

I was a drug addict 6 years ago. If I didn't have an entrusted friend listen to me & tell me to get to rehab, I may not have made it. I will forever be grateful for that friends support at the time I needed it.

If my xabf came to me for support while in recovery or seeking recovery I would not turn my back on him.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

Chances are it's never going to happen & I will get on with my life but at least he knows if he has to face his demons he will have support.

TakingCharge999

Glad this interaction helped you! ((hugs))

Although in my case I also said "I would be there for him"

Which is NOT true, because if I have not been there for myself, I can't be there for anyone. This came from my toxic codie abuse-me-and-treat-me-like-&$#$-but-I'll-still-treat-you-as-if-you-are-decent-because-I-have-n0-self-worth-and-am-a-doormat attitudes.

But this was just me anyway.