mmk11

I've been feeling very down lately. My divorce continues to drag out thanks to my STBXAH's attorney who isn't very timely in drafting/making changes to the property settlement agreement and decree. STBXAH has been very nice lately, surprisingly hasn't thrown any fits about not getting his way. Not that the finality of the divorce, a judge's signature, will instantly resolve all my bad feelings, but I would hope it's final by year's end.

I'm in my new house and have enjoyed decorating. STBXAH moved back into "our" house once I moved into my new house, a few days before Thanksgiving. Thankfully it is him in that house for the holidays instead of me, although he ruined every holiday and birthday for over the last year due to getting wasted and picking fights with me. It's not like I have great memories of us over the last year there.

I have so many things to be grateful for... a loving supporting family, great friends, a new house, my pets, my job. Everyone wants me to be excited to be starting over and starting my new life; truthfully, I'm scared to death. Maybe that is dampening any excitement. I'm dreadful of another marriage, another relationship, dating. I'm very untrusting of others right now.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm experiencing true joy during good times. Am I just going through the motions? The last session at my counselor's was uninspiring, but I see him again next week.

I still feel anger towards STBXAH, and have recently misdirected that anger to my new sister-in-law in a mean way by venting to my parents about her, when really she is a lovely girl. I just keep wondering, why me? Why can't I have the marriage that I dreamed of and have kids? Why him, why does he have to be an alcoholic? I want STBXAH to be miserable, but a few things I've heard about him tells me he's not; he looks fit and handsome.

Just venting, wondering when the pain and heartache will be over, when will I hit a neutral place where I don't care what AH does and when will I be spiritually in a good place. I started attending mass again and praying the rosary. Spiritually I am a wreck on the inside but I put a smile on the outside. My emotional devastation is endless. I don't know why I glamorize our love for each other, because now that we've been separated since May, I gained perspective that our short marriage was really awful and only got worse. Held together by a thread. Marriage counseling was a waste of time and money. There was no intimacy, no emotional bonding or support from him. I do believe God saved me from this marriage and from having children with STBXAH.

So why am I so emotionally devasted and have a hard time looking to a brigher future.

SparkleKitty

You have been through a LOT. And just because there is no day-to-day drama does not mean you are not still dealing with everything. It takes time. A lot of time. But it does get better.

After my divorce, I spent a whole year just going from one day to the next, doing what I needed to do to make sure I could make it on my own. I had never lived alone before! I didn't even think about dating, though I was pretty lonely. It was a scary year! But for me it was absolutely necessary. I did not know how to live in each moment. I was always in stuck in the past or worrying about the future. It took all that time with myself to learn to appreciate each moment as it happened. And slowly, gradually, I learned to be okay with me. I never had been before, and it was really weird.

It was another two years before I was really ready to date, but that was my personal timeline and I wouldn't ascribe it in general. I had to learn to love and accept myself before I was ready to love and accept a romantic partner. That was the really hard work, and if it weren't for my therapist I might still be trying to get there.

I guess what I am saying is there is no timeline to what you're going through. You're not behind or failing at anything. The more you grow at peace with yourself, here in this moment...and then the next...the brighter the future will become. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. You have been through a lot.

Sending you strength and peace over the holidays.

Live

You will need time to grieve..over what has happened, as well as the loss of your dreams about what you thought you and he could have together.

I am sorry you are hurting so, it does take time. You are hurting because you were invested in the marriage..which is a part of marrying. It isn't something we can just put away and be done with overnight.

But, yes, you can be happy again and celebrate the holidays.
Be gentle with yourself and perhaps look for new rituals and traditions as celebrations.

Give yourself the compassion you would give your best friend!

So often, we are hard on ourselves in a way we would not be to anyone else.

It really doesn't matter what he is looking like on the outside, you know the truth from the inside. More will be revealed.

Divorce is very painful, but you will get through it and you will heal.
It isn't even final yet..so why are you expecting yourself to be instantly past the mourning and re-orientation that you are going thro?

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Sueski

Oh, sweetie, just be kind to yourself. This is a horrendously difficult time for you - it's perfectly fine to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Better days ARE coming.

mmk11

Thank you everyone for your kind words. You are the support I really need. I really appreciate it.

When I was single before I met AH, I always decorated my house for Christmas. Getting settled in my new house, I thought I would just put out a few things. 10 o'clock on Sunday night I said I wasn't going I let AH ruin my Christmas this year, I wont have to be around his drunken self pity. I pulled out my tree for storage and put it up! I brushed off my negative self talk that I was pathetic. I did what I always did, put up my tree myself. AH never helped me before so this year isn't different. Being kind to myself like I would my friend is really good advice.

I try to remind myself that he is miserable on the inside, especially now that his disease has progressed rapidly the last few years. The grandiosity and aggression especially. He's always been about appearances. He doesn't have me around to pick drunken fights anymore or indulge his self-serving rants and self pity. Someone else -a friend, his fam, a new gf, i have no idea- can take it now. I'm glad it is not me any longer.

LifeRecovery

I am coming up on two years and though I don't feel bad any longer, I am working on feeling good.

I am at least another year out from being ready to be in a relationship. I am happy with my relationship with self, but am fearful that I will lose that again in relationship which has been my previous pattern.

Looking back I am grateful for whatever I could manage those first few months to a year. There is so much healing going on under the surface but I just could not see it.

I had fear that first year that it would never look different then what it did right then....I have not experienced that to be true.

Hugs.

Redheadsusie

One day at a time- stay busy with friends or family. I know what you are feeling and you have been through a tough thing and it will take time! Have faith and know others are here to support you! I am so grateful for the site! Makes you feel not so alone ! With hugs,

cr995

mmk11 - I know exactly what you mean about the grandiosity.! Does anybody know what the deal is with that? My STBXAH had started to get this odd look, in fact his whole demeanor would change when anybody asked his advice, as he tried to look like what he imagined an 'important' person looked like. I found it really embarassing - I guess they don't want us around as we know the 'real' them.