Need help understanding my GF and her drinking.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
1) Yes, she is an alcoholic. This is chronic and progressive.
2) Alcoholics will do and say anything to drink.
3) Only God knows, but I would not stay around to see
4) I highly recommend individual therapy to understand why you find her attractive at all and why you are double guessing yourself. "Codependent no more" is a great book, highly recommended.
2) Alcoholics will do and say anything to drink.
3) Only God knows, but I would not stay around to see
4) I highly recommend individual therapy to understand why you find her attractive at all and why you are double guessing yourself. "Codependent no more" is a great book, highly recommended.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
I hope that I speak for a good number here when I say:
Warren, you sound like a very nice man that many healthy and non-addicted women would love to have in their lives. Why sell yourself short when you could be thriving in a happy and healthy relationship?
Warren, you sound like a very nice man that many healthy and non-addicted women would love to have in their lives. Why sell yourself short when you could be thriving in a happy and healthy relationship?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"but is their a certain way to break up with an alcoholic? I do love her, have feelings, but am also fearful that a break-up could possible lead her to drink again, (Warren)
If she chooses to drink again, that is not your problem. We are talking about an ADULT woman here, she gets to own her actions/choices, and quite frankly it's about time she gets to experience the consequences of her actions.
My only suggestion, if you choose to end the relationship, be direct and keep it simple.
( Alkies are experts at shifting blame, and manipulation ) One of two things will probably occur. She will either go storming off in a rage OR will have an instant epiphany of sorts, BEG for another chance, PROMISE to quit drinking, PROMISE to get help..... blah, blah blah.....
Sorry, if I am not sounding empathetic to an alcoholic's self inflicted issues. I have heard way to many LIES, lived with broken promises, and allowed his unacceptable actions to suck the life right out of me.
When I ended it, I was DONE, I went no contact. I could not take the chance of Mr.
Charisma sucking me in again.
Wishing you Peace.
If she chooses to drink again, that is not your problem. We are talking about an ADULT woman here, she gets to own her actions/choices, and quite frankly it's about time she gets to experience the consequences of her actions.
My only suggestion, if you choose to end the relationship, be direct and keep it simple.
( Alkies are experts at shifting blame, and manipulation ) One of two things will probably occur. She will either go storming off in a rage OR will have an instant epiphany of sorts, BEG for another chance, PROMISE to quit drinking, PROMISE to get help..... blah, blah blah.....
Sorry, if I am not sounding empathetic to an alcoholic's self inflicted issues. I have heard way to many LIES, lived with broken promises, and allowed his unacceptable actions to suck the life right out of me.
When I ended it, I was DONE, I went no contact. I could not take the chance of Mr.
Charisma sucking me in again.
Wishing you Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
I wish to thank everyone for their posts. They have all been a great help and I am very moved by all the support.
As an update, my gf has not had a drink since she got out of jail last week (and she was in for three weeks). She hasn't yet done anything forcefully though to address her sobriety, i.e. gone to meetings. She has been working hard to piece together her day-to-day life (applied for food stamps, assistance, job interviews), but still I think she should at least be going to meetings.
As for me, i am in my own town, dealing with my own issues (looking for work and recently chosen for an IRS audit, sheesh). I'll be back in her town this wknd. Wondering how it will go.
I will keep everyone posted. Thank you again!
As an update, my gf has not had a drink since she got out of jail last week (and she was in for three weeks). She hasn't yet done anything forcefully though to address her sobriety, i.e. gone to meetings. She has been working hard to piece together her day-to-day life (applied for food stamps, assistance, job interviews), but still I think she should at least be going to meetings.
As for me, i am in my own town, dealing with my own issues (looking for work and recently chosen for an IRS audit, sheesh). I'll be back in her town this wknd. Wondering how it will go.
I will keep everyone posted. Thank you again!
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by warrenbhfl 
I wish to thank everyone for their posts. They have all been a great help and I am very moved by all the support.
As an update, my gf has not had a drink since she got out of jail last week (and she was in for three weeks). She hasn't yet done anything forcefully though to address her sobriety, i.e. gone to meetings. She has been working hard to piece together her day-to-day life (applied for food stamps, assistance, job interviews), but still I think she should at least be going to meetings.
As for me, i am in my own town, dealing with my own issues (looking for work and recently chosen for an IRS audit, sheesh). I'll be back in her town this wknd. Wondering how it will go.
I will keep everyone posted. Thank you again!
As an update, my gf has not had a drink since she got out of jail last week (and she was in for three weeks). She hasn't yet done anything forcefully though to address her sobriety, i.e. gone to meetings. She has been working hard to piece together her day-to-day life (applied for food stamps, assistance, job interviews), but still I think she should at least be going to meetings.
As for me, i am in my own town, dealing with my own issues (looking for work and recently chosen for an IRS audit, sheesh). I'll be back in her town this wknd. Wondering how it will go.
I will keep everyone posted. Thank you again!
Best of luck to her and you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
You are very welcome Warren. I feel for you and I know that there is a very big difference between a solution being simple and a solution being easy.
Take care of yourself and remember that your first responsibility is to keep yourself sane, we fixers can't be there for anyone if we fall apart now can we?
Will be praying for you and for her.
Take care of yourself and remember that your first responsibility is to keep yourself sane, we fixers can't be there for anyone if we fall apart now can we?
Will be praying for you and for her.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
NONE of this is your responsibility. Just tell her it;s not working for you and that,s it. If she drinks and gets caught her problem.
Originally Posted by warrenbhfl
Thank you everyone for your posts.
I think my real impetus for posting was to get feedback and insight, it seems that i have been having trouble "seeing the forest for the trees" . . . I'm not sure if there's a scientific/psychological term for being in the thick of it and not being able to comprehend reality as clearly as outsiders are able to . . . .
I feel like I have been dealing with the punches, blow by blow, and not really noticing their increasing force. It's kinda like the proverbial frog in a pot of cold water that's on a stove that has just been turned on. The frog gets accustomed to the rising heat until it's too late.
For this reason I really treasure all (and any future) responses.
Granted most everyone recommends running, but is their a certain way to break up with an alcoholic? I do love her, have feelings, but am also fearful that a break-up could possible lead her to drink again, thus setting off her monitor, then jail, then (and this is what kills me): her girls would suffer the most. In other words, i know it's not my responsibility that she drinks, but should i somehow deliver the news in a kind and responsible manner?? Does it matter?
Thank you again everyone.
I think my real impetus for posting was to get feedback and insight, it seems that i have been having trouble "seeing the forest for the trees" . . . I'm not sure if there's a scientific/psychological term for being in the thick of it and not being able to comprehend reality as clearly as outsiders are able to . . . .
I feel like I have been dealing with the punches, blow by blow, and not really noticing their increasing force. It's kinda like the proverbial frog in a pot of cold water that's on a stove that has just been turned on. The frog gets accustomed to the rising heat until it's too late.
For this reason I really treasure all (and any future) responses.
Granted most everyone recommends running, but is their a certain way to break up with an alcoholic? I do love her, have feelings, but am also fearful that a break-up could possible lead her to drink again, thus setting off her monitor, then jail, then (and this is what kills me): her girls would suffer the most. In other words, i know it's not my responsibility that she drinks, but should i somehow deliver the news in a kind and responsible manner?? Does it matter?
Thank you again everyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
An update:
She's been out of jail almost two weeks now.
While she was in, many of her friends stepped up and took care of her daily business, picked up her kids from school, helped pay her bills, transported her mother around, etc.
As for myself, I was there for her everyday. I retrieved her car (4th DUI) from the pound, talked to her on the phone twice a day (costing a lot of $), deposited $ in her canteen so she could eat something other than bologna sandwiches, went to visit her in jail, sent her books to read, and finally picked her up and took her home when she was released.
After getting out, i tried to explain to her that i was trying to get over the shell-shock of her arrest and incarceration . . . just as the rest of her peeps were doing. They were all trying to readjust to some sense of normalcy, "getting back to their lives" . . . i was trying to do the same. I wanted to readjust and spend some time being good to myself.
I came into town and didn't spend all the time she was expecting me to spend with her. I spent half of the time with my mother, childhood friends, and even her ex-husband who has become something of a supportive friend as well.
Well, she felt short-changed and immediately painted me black. Has basically discarded me, and even broke up with me (via text).
Although many here will see this as a real blessing and that i should keep focused on and moving toward the "hills" . . . I'm hurting a bit and really miss her. It's been two days now no contact . . . I have felt an urge or two to call or send a message, but i keep remembering the ugliness in the end: raging on me, sending me texts to mess with my head, calling me every name of the book, telling me I'm psycho, toxic, and finally: "loser".
She even blamed me for all of her troubles, even sent me a picture of her ankle and foot, showing off her alcohol sensing monitor device. "you're a reminder of where i am!!"
I thought she was something of a borderline, her alcohol intake seemed to compound matters.
Still I miss her. I also wonder how it is so easy for her to discard me after all the support. I don't get it.
But more importantly why is it so hard to let go of a toxic relationship (with an A) and move on??
She's been out of jail almost two weeks now.
While she was in, many of her friends stepped up and took care of her daily business, picked up her kids from school, helped pay her bills, transported her mother around, etc.
As for myself, I was there for her everyday. I retrieved her car (4th DUI) from the pound, talked to her on the phone twice a day (costing a lot of $), deposited $ in her canteen so she could eat something other than bologna sandwiches, went to visit her in jail, sent her books to read, and finally picked her up and took her home when she was released.
After getting out, i tried to explain to her that i was trying to get over the shell-shock of her arrest and incarceration . . . just as the rest of her peeps were doing. They were all trying to readjust to some sense of normalcy, "getting back to their lives" . . . i was trying to do the same. I wanted to readjust and spend some time being good to myself.
I came into town and didn't spend all the time she was expecting me to spend with her. I spent half of the time with my mother, childhood friends, and even her ex-husband who has become something of a supportive friend as well.
Well, she felt short-changed and immediately painted me black. Has basically discarded me, and even broke up with me (via text).
Although many here will see this as a real blessing and that i should keep focused on and moving toward the "hills" . . . I'm hurting a bit and really miss her. It's been two days now no contact . . . I have felt an urge or two to call or send a message, but i keep remembering the ugliness in the end: raging on me, sending me texts to mess with my head, calling me every name of the book, telling me I'm psycho, toxic, and finally: "loser".
She even blamed me for all of her troubles, even sent me a picture of her ankle and foot, showing off her alcohol sensing monitor device. "you're a reminder of where i am!!"
I thought she was something of a borderline, her alcohol intake seemed to compound matters.
Still I miss her. I also wonder how it is so easy for her to discard me after all the support. I don't get it.
But more importantly why is it so hard to let go of a toxic relationship (with an A) and move on??
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by warrenbhfl
An update:
Although many here will see this as a real blessing and that i should keep focused on and moving toward the "hills" . . . I'm hurting a bit and really miss her. It's been two days now no contact . . . I have felt an urge or two to call or send a message, but i keep remembering the ugliness in the end: raging on me, sending me texts to mess with my head, calling me every name of the book, telling me I'm psycho, toxic, and finally: "loser".
She even blamed me for all of her troubles, even sent me a picture of her ankle and foot, showing off her alcohol sensing monitor device. "you're a reminder of where i am!!"
I thought she was something of a borderline, her alcohol intake seemed to compound matters.
Still I miss her. I also wonder how it is so easy for her to discard me after all the support. I don't get it.
But more importantly why is it so hard to let go of a toxic relationship (with an A) and move on??
Although many here will see this as a real blessing and that i should keep focused on and moving toward the "hills" . . . I'm hurting a bit and really miss her. It's been two days now no contact . . . I have felt an urge or two to call or send a message, but i keep remembering the ugliness in the end: raging on me, sending me texts to mess with my head, calling me every name of the book, telling me I'm psycho, toxic, and finally: "loser".
She even blamed me for all of her troubles, even sent me a picture of her ankle and foot, showing off her alcohol sensing monitor device. "you're a reminder of where i am!!"
I thought she was something of a borderline, her alcohol intake seemed to compound matters.
Still I miss her. I also wonder how it is so easy for her to discard me after all the support. I don't get it.
But more importantly why is it so hard to let go of a toxic relationship (with an A) and move on??
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also got major blame thrown in my face when my relationship with the A. ended. I got verbally abused, character assassinated and then he turned the tables on me and blamed me for the break-up and is now angry at ME. Whatever.
I think you need to examine your feelings about letting go. Even with an alcoholic there are no doubt some good times that you were hoping you'd see again. Were you hoping for a different outcome? Wanting to fix her? I even told my ex at the end "I wanted something better for you". But in the end what we want doesn't matter. They are the only ones who can fix themselves.
I hope you know that her drinking is in no way your fault. It's common for them to blame other people. You did the right thing by ending it and I hope you take care of yourself!
-z
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
You aren't letting go. She let you go. You are escaping.
Count your blessings. And start working on you. Like get therapy. There is no reason for you to be in any relationship that sucks the life out of you like this unless you want to punish yourself.
Please take care of yourself.
Count your blessings. And start working on you. Like get therapy. There is no reason for you to be in any relationship that sucks the life out of you like this unless you want to punish yourself.
Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You haven't heard the last of her........
And I am not saying that to lead you in the wrong direction.
As much as it hurts today, I do believe you have dodged a bullet here, friend. Sure hope she doesn't suck you back in.........I believe you need your own recovery plan.
And I am not saying that to lead you in the wrong direction.
As much as it hurts today, I do believe you have dodged a bullet here, friend. Sure hope she doesn't suck you back in.........I believe you need your own recovery plan.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Hey buddy....
So you can see very clearly that her addiction is destroying her life.
Aren't you glad that even if you loved something very much that you would give it up if you knew it would ruin you?
;-)
Take care of our friend Warren, he deserves your attention.
So you can see very clearly that her addiction is destroying her life.
Aren't you glad that even if you loved something very much that you would give it up if you knew it would ruin you?
;-)
Take care of our friend Warren, he deserves your attention.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by warrenbhfl
An update:
Well, she felt short-changed and immediately painted me black. Has basically discarded me, and even broke up with me (via text).
Still I miss her. I also wonder how it is so easy for her to discard me after all the support. I don't get it.
But more importantly why is it so hard to let go of a toxic relationship (with an A) and move on??
Well, she felt short-changed and immediately painted me black. Has basically discarded me, and even broke up with me (via text).
Still I miss her. I also wonder how it is so easy for her to discard me after all the support. I don't get it.
But more importantly why is it so hard to let go of a toxic relationship (with an A) and move on??
1) Its difficult and painful to watch someone destroy their life. The more you care about them the harder it is. The more you care the more likely you will expend the energy/money to (try) to stop it.
2) Its bewildering to be painted the bad guy and tossed to the side when you have done as much as you have to help her. It makes all that work (and lets face it, its a job) all for naught. A very empty feeling.
Sorry about this Warren, but this too shall pass. You want a better life for her that she isn't interested in. It's very sad.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Well, she felt short-changed and immediately painted me black. Has basically discarded me, and even broke up with me (via text).
You've used an interesting choice of words and it might indicate that your AGF has a personality disorder in addition to her alcoholism (many/most alcoholics have some kind of mental abnormalcy...bi-polar, personality disorder, etc)
Those who have Axis II Personality Disorders often put people in black or white categories. Think of "black hat" (bad guy) or "white hat" (good guy). There have black or white thinking patterns and can't see variables or "gray areas." They can't figure out that someone is rightfully withdrawing because of THEIR own behavior. Instead, they put the person in the black category and that person is now bad, bad, bad.
Here's an example.... My AH has an Axis II personality disorder diagnosed by both a psychiatrist and a LSCW. Say it's a Friday morning and I say, "today I'm going to clean out the garage". Then, at 9am, our 5 year old breaks his arm. So, I have to spend the day at the ER getting our child's arm Xrayed and cast set. So, of course I don't get to clean out the garage. Later, my AH would say something like, "You broke your promise. You said that you were going to clean the garage on Friday." He wasn't able to think like a normal person. A normal person would say, "well, of course you couldn't clean the garage like you said, you spent the day at the ER". AH is unable to consider variables or gray areas. He also considers simple statements from me as "promises"...even tho I never "promised" anything. So, I long learned to keep things very vague...such as..."if nothing important comes up, then I may be able to __________"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Brokenheart - I think the term you are looking for is 'spliiting', it's very common with borderlines.
Lol.... My mom taught me many valuable lessons.
Warren - whether this young lady can fix herself is unknowable. That you can't fix her is clear and I understand the deep sadness that realization brings. Keep reminding yourself - it breaks your heart to see her destroy herself right? Painful as hell to stand there and watch her implode?
..I mean this as a friend, whatchya doin when you engage with her? You came here because your gut told you that you were in over your head, listen to THAT voice.
Lol.... My mom taught me many valuable lessons.
Warren - whether this young lady can fix herself is unknowable. That you can't fix her is clear and I understand the deep sadness that realization brings. Keep reminding yourself - it breaks your heart to see her destroy herself right? Painful as hell to stand there and watch her implode?
..I mean this as a friend, whatchya doin when you engage with her? You came here because your gut told you that you were in over your head, listen to THAT voice.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
^^
yep, it's called "splitting". I just didn't want to go into the jargon. FYI for others: splitting occurs when someone with a PD (not just borderlines) doesn't take reality into account when jumping to a negative conclusion. If you've always been the faithful type, if you're 10 minutes late, someone who engages in "splitting" will accuse you of being late because you're having an affair....which is crazy if that accusation doesn't fit anything you've ever done before.
Splitting also occurs in the example I gave upthread...not taking into account that an emergency prevented me from cleaning the garage. My FIL also engaged in splitting. When we told him we were buying a minivan when we were expecting our first child, instead of being a typical grandparent-to-be and being happy for us, he turned the conversation into something ugly and about himself....when the fact that we were buying a minivan had NOTHING to do with him at all.
yep, it's called "splitting". I just didn't want to go into the jargon. FYI for others: splitting occurs when someone with a PD (not just borderlines) doesn't take reality into account when jumping to a negative conclusion. If you've always been the faithful type, if you're 10 minutes late, someone who engages in "splitting" will accuse you of being late because you're having an affair....which is crazy if that accusation doesn't fit anything you've ever done before.
Splitting also occurs in the example I gave upthread...not taking into account that an emergency prevented me from cleaning the garage. My FIL also engaged in splitting. When we told him we were buying a minivan when we were expecting our first child, instead of being a typical grandparent-to-be and being happy for us, he turned the conversation into something ugly and about himself....when the fact that we were buying a minivan had NOTHING to do with him at all.
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