Here We Go Again

Old 04-14-2004, 02:15 PM
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Here We Go Again

I have been absent from this forum for many reasons. We sold our house and have been packing and cleaning and moving and things were going good. Four and a half months sober, doing all the right things. Guess what? It was an illusion. It must have been. One day he seemed OK and the next he was drinking. This really is a progressive illness. He is nastier, uglier and more belligerant than he has ever been. He reaches into his own pain and ugliness and tries to spew it upon me. And boy, did it ever work. He sucked me right in and I lost it after listening to the vile things he was saying to me. I reached out to cover his mouth to shut him up and ended up scratching his face. It made me sick that I reacted like that. Then he threatened to call the cops on me. They goad you to the point where you just can't take anymore and then they use it against you. You share the sad and painful things in your life and they when they are insane they use that info against you. There is no way to win this battle. If you say anything it is wrong. If you don't talk then that is wrong too.

He left here about an hour ago with a shirt, underwear and his work shoes under his arm (no bag) to walk 10 miles to an empty house that he is working on. That is where he is planning on sleeping tonight. We have one vehicle, a van, which he needs for work. He has no drivers license so either I drive him or his helper does. He wants me to turn over the title to his helper - hahahahahahaha!!!!! Sure, honey, I don't need a vehicle!
I have held out hope that he could learn to find a way to deal with the alcoholism but that doesn't seem very likely. Maybe the time has come for me to move on and plan a life without him. It is so hard to just let go and give up hope.

He just called and is on his way home. How lucky can one woman be!! Wish me luck that tonight is alot more peaceful than the last 6 have been.

JoJo
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Old 04-14-2004, 02:41 PM
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Hey Jojo!
I'm glad you checked in, I've been wondering how you're doing.
I'm sorry things are so awful for you right now.
It's very disappointing when they go back to their old ways.
Please remember that there is lots of love and support here for you whenever you need it.
Big hugs and lots of light from me to you.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 04-14-2004, 03:00 PM
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Re: Here We Go Again

(((((((((Jojo)))))))

It is so hard when they relapse, and when they do, it's like they never stopped drinking or using. Each time it happens, I think it chips away at us piece by piece, especially if it comes with a lot of drama and abuse.

Keep looking after yourself. I know how hard it is to give up hope. I'll be praying you have a peaceful night.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 04-14-2004, 03:47 PM
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Re: Here We Go Again

I’ll tell ya a secret. Well, it’s not really a secret, You’re human and so is he, and the dis-ease that we all suffer from is an adversary that frankly will confound us all upon occasion, but as long as we get up one more time than we’re knocked down, as long as we refuse to go quietly, we still have a chance. Recovery does not just magically appear upon our doorstep, because we’ve “put the plug in da jug� for a while, although that will be one of the precursors for a meaningful recovery. Abstinence is one thing. Sobriety a completely different animal, and only attained as a developing form of recovery efforts.

But the secret, the one that’s not really a secret. “A bellyful of booze, and a headful of AA is a nasty combination�. And while I’m not really sure that he was attending AA or not, that principle holds true with any other ‘recovery� effort. If we have gotten to that point where we have engaged in NOT “using� for any period of time, no matter what the reasoning behind it, whether that was to satisfy a recalcitrant wife, the courts, an employer, parents friends etc, we have in some way acknowledged our ‘liability�. Even if we’ve said to ourselves, �Alright, I’m not gonna drink---------for them.� we have in some way acknowledged the sanity of THEIR mindset, and further committed to DO something about it. We MAY be yet a step closer to doing it for and by the very same self that will persist for a while in that alcoholic mindset whether or not we’re actually ingesting the stuff or not.

Still, can you imagine what he is feeling at this moment? I promise you it is NOT the release that you imagine it to be, There is confusion, and doubt, there is the understanding that says,�Oh Sh--, I’ve done it again, and I don’t exactly know how or why? There is that part of him that knows exactly how you feel, and yet is powerless to do anything, but precisely what he has done. Although relapse does not necessarily have to be part of the program, the vast majority by far, have had to find their frailty, their powerlessness if you will by going back “out there� and beating themselves, AND their families up some more. “A belly ful of booze and a headful of AA IS a nasty combination�, but sometimes, maybe maybe, maybe, it’ll get the job done and be the very thing that convinces us that “we never have to feel this way again“,--------------unless we choose to. The question always is what have we learned from the relapse. And the other question that always occurs to us is “I know I have another drunk left in me, but is there “another� recovery?�
Jeff
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Old 04-14-2004, 05:11 PM
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Re: Here We Go Again

((jojo))
I had a best friend named jojo when I was a kid.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Letting go is one of the hardest things we have to ever do. We have to draw the line somewhere, and it is different for all of us. Remember that you don't have to make that decision until YOU are ready. And if/when you are, you will have all the support you need. You can make it through. I am praying for you. Hugs, Magic
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Old 04-14-2004, 06:01 PM
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Re: Here We Go Again

Thanks to all for your thoughts and prayers. Everything seems easier when you have people to share your thoughts and fears with. The burden definitely feels lighter. He is home and in bed. I am grateful that he is safe and that it is quiet. For tonight, that is enough!

Hugs, Jo
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