Not sure what to do...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 43
Not sure what to do...
I'm feeling so sad today. I think maybe I've finally realized what it is like to accept completely that things will not improve and AH will not "get it" and make the right decisions. We had a tough weekend -- big fight Friday night and a long talk on Saturday. No matter what I said about not trusting him and needing to see ACTION before I could open up to him, he kept asking over and over again "Why can't I have 2 beers at night? Why?" It didn't matter that it is NEVER just 2 beers. Or that I told him that the reason it matters is because I've told him over and over that his drinking hurts our relationship and when he choses to still drink it makes it clear that he is chosing that over our family. And then he started in again with "Why can't I have 2 beers at night?" Ugh... It was as if I was speaking directly to denial. As may of you on here have said, believe what they are telling you. I finally heard it. Drinking is more important. I get it.
After that he was drunk all weekend. Drunk for our town holiday parade. Drunk while we were decorating the Christmas tree. The worst part is -- I finally saw it affecting my son (7). We had a talk about Dad's behavior and I think he opened up. I hate that I saw this, but maybe it was what I finally needed to see to break out of my denial. I can't pretend it isn't affecting the kids.
So... what do I do now? With the holidays, it gets murky. Should I set some boundaries like no drinking around the family, especially for holiday activities? Or would that even make any difference at this point? He thinks he's fine when he is actually drunk. I actually heard him on the phone last night telling my mother (she's not stupid.) that he's stopped drinking. This after 3 egg nogs, a bottle of wine and 6 beers!!! They are right when they say it is a baffling disease.
Anyway, any advice? Or words of wisdom? I just don't feel confident on what to do.
After that he was drunk all weekend. Drunk for our town holiday parade. Drunk while we were decorating the Christmas tree. The worst part is -- I finally saw it affecting my son (7). We had a talk about Dad's behavior and I think he opened up. I hate that I saw this, but maybe it was what I finally needed to see to break out of my denial. I can't pretend it isn't affecting the kids.
So... what do I do now? With the holidays, it gets murky. Should I set some boundaries like no drinking around the family, especially for holiday activities? Or would that even make any difference at this point? He thinks he's fine when he is actually drunk. I actually heard him on the phone last night telling my mother (she's not stupid.) that he's stopped drinking. This after 3 egg nogs, a bottle of wine and 6 beers!!! They are right when they say it is a baffling disease.
Anyway, any advice? Or words of wisdom? I just don't feel confident on what to do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Awareness...can be such a b!tch sometimes, huh?
Once we overcome our own denial - we are faced with the overwhelming desire and fear of what to do next.
Try to take things one at a time. Setting boundaries is good, but expect he will break all of those as he has already shown you he fully intends to continue drinking. And really - as hard as it is to hear right now - he believes his denial. He doesn't experience reality as you do, as your kids do, so its easy for him to say "2 beers".
If this were me and my kids - I think I'd try to make the best of the holiday season without his attendance, knowing he is most likely going to be drunk anyway. So I would plan on activities that don't include him, versus trying to set some boundaries. Just go on with your life and do the things with your kids that make you happy, and walk a wide circle around him.
Then, once the holidays were over, I'd be meeting with an attorney, to find out what my options are.
Just my humble opinion,
~T
Once we overcome our own denial - we are faced with the overwhelming desire and fear of what to do next.
Try to take things one at a time. Setting boundaries is good, but expect he will break all of those as he has already shown you he fully intends to continue drinking. And really - as hard as it is to hear right now - he believes his denial. He doesn't experience reality as you do, as your kids do, so its easy for him to say "2 beers".
If this were me and my kids - I think I'd try to make the best of the holiday season without his attendance, knowing he is most likely going to be drunk anyway. So I would plan on activities that don't include him, versus trying to set some boundaries. Just go on with your life and do the things with your kids that make you happy, and walk a wide circle around him.
Then, once the holidays were over, I'd be meeting with an attorney, to find out what my options are.
Just my humble opinion,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I think I'd do what Tuffgirl suggests - go on with the holidays and make your kids as happy as you can and muffle the effect of your AH on their lives as best as you can.
If it were me, I would also be quietly be preparing to move on to the next step. You wrote
"It was as if I was speaking directly to denial. As may of you on here have said, believe what they are telling you. I finally heard it. Drinking is more important. I get it.
After that he was drunk all weekend. Drunk for our town holiday parade. Drunk while we were decorating the Christmas tree. The worst part is -- I finally saw it affecting my son (7). We had a talk about Dad's behavior and I think he opened up. I hate that I saw this, but maybe it was what I finally needed to see to break out of my denial. I can't pretend it isn't affecting the kids."
You're coming to some real insights into what is going on with your AH, with his alcoholism, and how it is affecting your family. This is a good time to push forward with looking at what that means to you and how you want to respond.
Alanon, individual counseling with a counselor well versed in alcoholism and families, reading the "stickies" here, reading books, posting here, all of that will help you get a handle on the disease and help you formulate your next right course of action. Attorneys frequently offer free initial consultations. I'd get referrals to 2 or 3 and talk with them. It doesn't mean you have to leave him. It doesn't mean you have to divorce him. It gives you information that is essential to letting you evaluate your future options.
If you are thinking about leaving, get your financial affairs in order. Even if you don't leave, you will be better protected for it. Make sure you have a bank account that names you as the primary. Secondary users on the accounts can be cut off by the primary. Same with credit cards. Get an all purpose credit card in your name only with as high a credit limit as you can. Find and take or make copies of deeds, insurance policies, all the important documents you may need. Make sure you have access to money. Make a list of all the credit cards you jointly have, their numbers, customer service phone #, same with bank accounts, mortgages, loans.
At the least, you will end up very organized financially! And, you will know more directly what effect your husband's drinking is having on your financial status. At the worst, you will have the data you need to move forward with your life. My AH cut me out of all that information when I left in July, and and reversed a large credit card bill payment I had made.
From what you say, it does not sound like your AH is violent or abusive? That gives you a different time line than someone who is dealing with escalating abuse and violence.
Take care, come back often, we hear you, and unfortunately for all of us, we understand.
ShootingStar1
If it were me, I would also be quietly be preparing to move on to the next step. You wrote
"It was as if I was speaking directly to denial. As may of you on here have said, believe what they are telling you. I finally heard it. Drinking is more important. I get it.
After that he was drunk all weekend. Drunk for our town holiday parade. Drunk while we were decorating the Christmas tree. The worst part is -- I finally saw it affecting my son (7). We had a talk about Dad's behavior and I think he opened up. I hate that I saw this, but maybe it was what I finally needed to see to break out of my denial. I can't pretend it isn't affecting the kids."
You're coming to some real insights into what is going on with your AH, with his alcoholism, and how it is affecting your family. This is a good time to push forward with looking at what that means to you and how you want to respond.
Alanon, individual counseling with a counselor well versed in alcoholism and families, reading the "stickies" here, reading books, posting here, all of that will help you get a handle on the disease and help you formulate your next right course of action. Attorneys frequently offer free initial consultations. I'd get referrals to 2 or 3 and talk with them. It doesn't mean you have to leave him. It doesn't mean you have to divorce him. It gives you information that is essential to letting you evaluate your future options.
If you are thinking about leaving, get your financial affairs in order. Even if you don't leave, you will be better protected for it. Make sure you have a bank account that names you as the primary. Secondary users on the accounts can be cut off by the primary. Same with credit cards. Get an all purpose credit card in your name only with as high a credit limit as you can. Find and take or make copies of deeds, insurance policies, all the important documents you may need. Make sure you have access to money. Make a list of all the credit cards you jointly have, their numbers, customer service phone #, same with bank accounts, mortgages, loans.
At the least, you will end up very organized financially! And, you will know more directly what effect your husband's drinking is having on your financial status. At the worst, you will have the data you need to move forward with your life. My AH cut me out of all that information when I left in July, and and reversed a large credit card bill payment I had made.
From what you say, it does not sound like your AH is violent or abusive? That gives you a different time line than someone who is dealing with escalating abuse and violence.
Take care, come back often, we hear you, and unfortunately for all of us, we understand.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 43
No, he's not violent or abusive. Only verbally abusive to the point where he wants to blame me for all the problems in our relationship. I've learned to ignore that so at least I'm making progress.
I do need to get the financial affairs in order, thanks for the advice. Problem is -- he's out of work again and always around. Hard to go through our papers with him there. I also need to work toward my own financial independence. I'm working part time (no benefits) and working on my masters degree. But it's becoming clear I may need full time work before I graduate in the summer.
Thanks for posting. It always helps to know that other people understand. So glad I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow, too.
I do need to get the financial affairs in order, thanks for the advice. Problem is -- he's out of work again and always around. Hard to go through our papers with him there. I also need to work toward my own financial independence. I'm working part time (no benefits) and working on my masters degree. But it's becoming clear I may need full time work before I graduate in the summer.
Thanks for posting. It always helps to know that other people understand. So glad I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow, too.
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