Jail Time
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Jail Time
We found out Friday that our granddaughter's dad (Mr. PINK's son, my step son) is in jail ~
At this point in my recovery, I've learned that he is probably exactly where he needs to be; to Let Go & Let God. And Mr. PINK is learning & doing a little better at that too.
BUT our granddaughter is only 8 ~ we are praying that she doesn't find out. He is only suppose to have 10 days, he still has other charges pending in another parish, but he should be out before Christmas.
If he is ~ then we see no harm in just not telling her right now ~
She has come so far, she is doing so well in school, a banner roll student, secure in our home and adjusted to her new life ~
If she hears this, it could be a big set back for her ~ She has been thru so much really could use a nice & peaceful Christmas without all the drama of the disease (well I guess we all could, couldn't we?????)
So we are hoping she doesn't find out ~ but small towns with big mouths, sometimes people speak without taking into account children are where they can hear ~
If she does, I'll use the tools of the program to help guide her thru her feelings, pain and all that she will deal with ~
So my friends, if you have a moment ~ I ask you send out a special thought and/or prayer for all our little ones affected by this disease . . .
That their holidays, their nights, their dreams could go untouched by the sadness, heartbreak and disappointments of the disease of alcoholism and addiction ~ what a gift that would be ~
Thank you for letting me share my heart ~
PINK HUGS!
At this point in my recovery, I've learned that he is probably exactly where he needs to be; to Let Go & Let God. And Mr. PINK is learning & doing a little better at that too.
BUT our granddaughter is only 8 ~ we are praying that she doesn't find out. He is only suppose to have 10 days, he still has other charges pending in another parish, but he should be out before Christmas.
If he is ~ then we see no harm in just not telling her right now ~
She has come so far, she is doing so well in school, a banner roll student, secure in our home and adjusted to her new life ~
If she hears this, it could be a big set back for her ~ She has been thru so much really could use a nice & peaceful Christmas without all the drama of the disease (well I guess we all could, couldn't we?????)
So we are hoping she doesn't find out ~ but small towns with big mouths, sometimes people speak without taking into account children are where they can hear ~
If she does, I'll use the tools of the program to help guide her thru her feelings, pain and all that she will deal with ~
So my friends, if you have a moment ~ I ask you send out a special thought and/or prayer for all our little ones affected by this disease . . .
That their holidays, their nights, their dreams could go untouched by the sadness, heartbreak and disappointments of the disease of alcoholism and addiction ~ what a gift that would be ~
Thank you for letting me share my heart ~
PINK HUGS!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
My daughter is the exact same age so I can relate fully to your post. Sending you lots of BRIGHT, SPARKLY PINK (my DD would have it no other way, lol) hugs & positive thoughts for your little one. She is so blessed to have you & Mr. Pink in her life!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry to hear about your stepson, Ms. Pink, and completely understand about not wanting your beautiful granddaughter to find out. "Jr." has had a few...ok several...unfortunate incarcerations. Luckily, he has no children--that we know of.
All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers!
All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Prayers for your granddaughter MrsPink, and for the Step Son.
Your family has been through so much, and I wish you all peace this Holiday season. I know you will be making it special for your granddaughter, and I feel she is very blessed to have you teaching and guiding her.
Your family has been through so much, and I wish you all peace this Holiday season. I know you will be making it special for your granddaughter, and I feel she is very blessed to have you teaching and guiding her.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I think, with all due respect...
...that it isn't cool to keep it from her. This is one of the many subtle ways that addiction goes from generation to generation. Lies, misdirection, and deceit. At eight years old, if she hasn't already learned it, she'll be learning it from you.
Later, when she finds out (and she will find out), she'll learn it's OK to lie to the people you love to "protect" them. And she'll learn to lie when she's in trouble too. Later, if/when she starts having problems with drugs and alcohol, she'll know to lie then too.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Later, when she finds out (and she will find out), she'll learn it's OK to lie to the people you love to "protect" them. And she'll learn to lie when she's in trouble too. Later, if/when she starts having problems with drugs and alcohol, she'll know to lie then too.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Cyranoak -
I have thought it from that point of view too and prayed about what is healthiest for her.
At eight, she is already starting to show the codie signs - I know some of it is from the time she spent with him after her mother died & when he was using ~ the things she was told by others ~ I'm sure these people meant well - but you don't tell a 5 yr old not to cry for her mom so that she can be strong for her Dad ~
So anyway, she is finally not having issues with crying all night, not having accidents at night, brought her grades up, and is secure, we can finally pass a police vehicle on the road with out her crying & ducking down in the seat of the car trembling in fear, (it has taken a lot of work to get her past her fear of policemen because of her Dad's negativity & past history of the cops are always out to get you)
She & I talk about her Dad and his unhealthy behaviors - so we are not hiding everything from her -
I just thought for once - it might would be nice for her to have a Christmas without some of the drama that her Dad so often likes to bring in her life ~ especially this time of year ~
I truly do understand about the lies, the cover-ups and the don't tells ~ which is why Mr. Pink & I wondered which was the best to do ~
So if she does find out ~ we will explain our reasonings and pray for the best ~
I truly respect your opinion and know that soon we will have to tell her everything - because I do understand "we are only as sick as our secrets"
Thanks everyone so much for your love, support and truly heartfelt thoughts - I cherish all of them ~
PINK HUGS,
I have thought it from that point of view too and prayed about what is healthiest for her.
At eight, she is already starting to show the codie signs - I know some of it is from the time she spent with him after her mother died & when he was using ~ the things she was told by others ~ I'm sure these people meant well - but you don't tell a 5 yr old not to cry for her mom so that she can be strong for her Dad ~
So anyway, she is finally not having issues with crying all night, not having accidents at night, brought her grades up, and is secure, we can finally pass a police vehicle on the road with out her crying & ducking down in the seat of the car trembling in fear, (it has taken a lot of work to get her past her fear of policemen because of her Dad's negativity & past history of the cops are always out to get you)
She & I talk about her Dad and his unhealthy behaviors - so we are not hiding everything from her -
I just thought for once - it might would be nice for her to have a Christmas without some of the drama that her Dad so often likes to bring in her life ~ especially this time of year ~
I truly do understand about the lies, the cover-ups and the don't tells ~ which is why Mr. Pink & I wondered which was the best to do ~
So if she does find out ~ we will explain our reasonings and pray for the best ~
I truly respect your opinion and know that soon we will have to tell her everything - because I do understand "we are only as sick as our secrets"
Thanks everyone so much for your love, support and truly heartfelt thoughts - I cherish all of them ~
PINK HUGS,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Sadly the wreckage of alcoholism is devatastating for children. Your dilemma is a catch 22 and either course has consequences she does not deserve.
I do hope you have this child in counseling as it will be lifesaving if you find the right counselor...I did this for my own children and it has made all the difference in breaking the family history of addiction and codependency. They are normies despite being parented by an addict and recovering codie. Very successful, emotionally stable happy people who are successful in all parts of their lives.
I do hope you have this child in counseling as it will be lifesaving if you find the right counselor...I did this for my own children and it has made all the difference in breaking the family history of addiction and codependency. They are normies despite being parented by an addict and recovering codie. Very successful, emotionally stable happy people who are successful in all parts of their lives.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I tend to agree that honesty is the best policy all around where the kids are concerned, but I have to acknowledge that each individual child has to be handled with respect to their personalities & the damage they have endured up to that point.
I see that most clearly with my DD & niece. While DD is 5 yrs younger, she has always been more mature & operates better with all blinders off despite the difficulty of knowing the truth about an issue. At 3 yrs old she ripped off her arm floaters in the pool & announced that she was tired of being held back so she was just going to get over it & swim. She jumps feet-first into the deep end of the pool. She somehow recognizes that her own fear is typically the hardest part & 97/100 times she talks herself out of her own head long enough to try almost anything once. When AH & I were having major issues I was honest with her as much as possible, in terms that were age-appropriate.
My niece, on the other hand, handles it best when she slowly absorbs the situation bit by bit, she deals better with the smaller steps than the big leaps. She approaches the pool from the shallow end & inches her way in until she is comfortable. She was 8 yrs old before she would put her face in the water. Her exposure to alcoholism started earlier in life & in a much more offensive & abusive way. She has spent years working past her issues with counselors. We sheltered her more because she needed it at the time; she needed time to develop her own tools for dealing with issues. My sister was VERY concerned that she was showing all signs of the kind of low self esteem that allows girls to become doormats to the men in their lives. She was also a total follower & internalized every single emotion until she got sick. It wasn't difficult to imagine her at 15 cutting herself or some other self-deprecating habits.
Now, she's 13 & so far away from that terrified, damaged kid she once was. Now she can handle more than she could then so we don't have to walk on eggshells around her like we did. She's healthy & I'm so proud of how far she's come!
I see that most clearly with my DD & niece. While DD is 5 yrs younger, she has always been more mature & operates better with all blinders off despite the difficulty of knowing the truth about an issue. At 3 yrs old she ripped off her arm floaters in the pool & announced that she was tired of being held back so she was just going to get over it & swim. She jumps feet-first into the deep end of the pool. She somehow recognizes that her own fear is typically the hardest part & 97/100 times she talks herself out of her own head long enough to try almost anything once. When AH & I were having major issues I was honest with her as much as possible, in terms that were age-appropriate.
My niece, on the other hand, handles it best when she slowly absorbs the situation bit by bit, she deals better with the smaller steps than the big leaps. She approaches the pool from the shallow end & inches her way in until she is comfortable. She was 8 yrs old before she would put her face in the water. Her exposure to alcoholism started earlier in life & in a much more offensive & abusive way. She has spent years working past her issues with counselors. We sheltered her more because she needed it at the time; she needed time to develop her own tools for dealing with issues. My sister was VERY concerned that she was showing all signs of the kind of low self esteem that allows girls to become doormats to the men in their lives. She was also a total follower & internalized every single emotion until she got sick. It wasn't difficult to imagine her at 15 cutting herself or some other self-deprecating habits.
Now, she's 13 & so far away from that terrified, damaged kid she once was. Now she can handle more than she could then so we don't have to walk on eggshells around her like we did. She's healthy & I'm so proud of how far she's come!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I kept a lot of details from my son as my AH circled the drain (mostly privately, little was exposed to friends and family). When it was finally time to call it and leave the marriage, my son was devastated because he had *no idea* anything was wrong. Then he turned on me for hiding things from him.
At the time, it meant smoother waters for me. But DS sees this as a major betrayal. I can't blame him.
At the time, it meant smoother waters for me. But DS sees this as a major betrayal. I can't blame him.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
It's just so tough to know isn't it?
For me - it has truly been another lesson in powerlessness ~
and earnestly seeking my HP's direction as to what is best for HER - not what is comfortable for me, for Mr. PINK or for her dad ~
So far we have a peace about it ~ but I also have learned what works for us today, can change at any minute - a true program of recovery allows me the ability to be honest, open and willing for guidance and direction ~ AND CHOICES ~
This afternoon a conversation may bring up the opportunity to tell her if it is suppose to be ~ I pray for the wisdom, guidance and healthy compassion to be able to do whatever is in her best interest always ~
Again today I am so so so very grateful for SR to be able to have healthy people to share their e, s, & h as we walk this journey ~
pink hugs,
For me - it has truly been another lesson in powerlessness ~
and earnestly seeking my HP's direction as to what is best for HER - not what is comfortable for me, for Mr. PINK or for her dad ~
So far we have a peace about it ~ but I also have learned what works for us today, can change at any minute - a true program of recovery allows me the ability to be honest, open and willing for guidance and direction ~ AND CHOICES ~
This afternoon a conversation may bring up the opportunity to tell her if it is suppose to be ~ I pray for the wisdom, guidance and healthy compassion to be able to do whatever is in her best interest always ~
Again today I am so so so very grateful for SR to be able to have healthy people to share their e, s, & h as we walk this journey ~
pink hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Ms. Pink,
Your love and dedication just radiates in all directions off of you. She is SO lucky to have you.
These situations are really hard with young ones and we always wonder what is best. As long as you have her best intentions at heart (which I know you do) and you make choices based on what you think is best for her, then you can't go wrong.
Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers that you all have a smooth and wonderful holiday.
hugs
Maylie
Your love and dedication just radiates in all directions off of you. She is SO lucky to have you.
These situations are really hard with young ones and we always wonder what is best. As long as you have her best intentions at heart (which I know you do) and you make choices based on what you think is best for her, then you can't go wrong.
Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers that you all have a smooth and wonderful holiday.
hugs
Maylie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Sending you lots of happy thoughts!
I too live in a small town....rumors spread like wild fire. I keep my DD (7) sheltered from most of STBXAH antics when possible. However, I do send her to counsellor, which I think helps immensely.
Christmas is such a wonderfully joyous time (or at least it should be ) in a child's life.
She is lucky to have you!
I too live in a small town....rumors spread like wild fire. I keep my DD (7) sheltered from most of STBXAH antics when possible. However, I do send her to counsellor, which I think helps immensely.
Christmas is such a wonderfully joyous time (or at least it should be ) in a child's life.
She is lucky to have you!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I keep checking this site - reading all your encouragement - it helps so much ~
Today I wrote her a letter from "Santa" - I know at 8 she's on the border of believing ~ but when you lose your mom a month before you turn five and then she lived thru what she did - a little of her childhood was lost ~
She has spent every Christmas morning with us (Mr. PINK & I) since her Mom passed away & I try very hard to make them special ~ I know it's not the same ~ sometimes her Dad is here; sometimes he isn't ~
I guess I would just like for her to have one more as much as an innocent child as she can be ~ but that's my plan - maybe it's not her HP's ~
ohh - another Let Go & Let God moment ~
I seem to have many of those along my path ~
Today I wrote her a letter from "Santa" - I know at 8 she's on the border of believing ~ but when you lose your mom a month before you turn five and then she lived thru what she did - a little of her childhood was lost ~
She has spent every Christmas morning with us (Mr. PINK & I) since her Mom passed away & I try very hard to make them special ~ I know it's not the same ~ sometimes her Dad is here; sometimes he isn't ~
I guess I would just like for her to have one more as much as an innocent child as she can be ~ but that's my plan - maybe it's not her HP's ~
ohh - another Let Go & Let God moment ~
I seem to have many of those along my path ~
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Mrs. Pink, every year I send DD a video from Santa via this website. Santa | PNP - Portable North Pole | Free personalized video message
It's free to send but you have to pay to download it.... I waited til after the holiday to buy because she'd already seen it via email & they sold it to me 'on sale'. In the past you can personalize it quite a bit, child's age, grade, accomplishments this year & even upload pics of them & the toys that they have requested.
It's super, super sweet & she probably watches it 100x every year when the email arrives. It really warms my heart because in those moments, any doubts that she's been holding onto give way utterly to the magic of a little kid who believes in Santa. (I'm tearing up now just thinking about it.) They even sent me a reminder around her birthday & did a free video then with Santa wishing her a happy birthday.
It's free to send but you have to pay to download it.... I waited til after the holiday to buy because she'd already seen it via email & they sold it to me 'on sale'. In the past you can personalize it quite a bit, child's age, grade, accomplishments this year & even upload pics of them & the toys that they have requested.
It's super, super sweet & she probably watches it 100x every year when the email arrives. It really warms my heart because in those moments, any doubts that she's been holding onto give way utterly to the magic of a little kid who believes in Santa. (I'm tearing up now just thinking about it.) They even sent me a reminder around her birthday & did a free video then with Santa wishing her a happy birthday.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
We have an elf on the shelf. You can google it, but basically it's a little elf that Santa sends to keep an eye and report back to Santa each night. He moves around every night and is in a different spot each morning. My girls literally race out of bed each morning to find him!
I hope everyone's holiday is fantabulous!
I hope everyone's holiday is fantabulous!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Hmmmm.... See two sides here. First, I would not lie to her but that does not mean I would disclose everything either. It isn't data she needs unless she finds out and then the truth, explained in an age appropriate way, is best for the reasons Cyranoak mentioned.
I'm so fortunate that my 17 year old daughter and I stay so close and that she will talk to me. I've said many times about raising her that the biggest challenge was what I call the information line.
It's an invisible line, on one side is information to protect her with, on the other is information to protect her from. An example - 4 years ago our next door neighbors niece hit a phone pole at 90 mph drunk. I let her see the picture of the crumpled and blackened remains of the car, I would not show her the girls remains. I'm sure I've given her TMI at times or sheltered her too much at times but getting that line right is why I think she is a good kid who hasn't gotten mixed up with drugs or booze.
On alcohol the line was that I let her try wine at our table and she was curious at first then bored. Now when kids drink around her there is no mystery or taboo and I've used trust and praise of good behavior rather than harshly setting limits and threatening punishments... Letting her drink was before we knew her stepmom, I would not have let her drink in front of her.
Kids can't be fooled anyway, they miss very little and it really shakes them when they feel duped. I HATE that you have to make that call but her dad is building his relationship with her and you are building yours. Don't allow protecting him or her make you do something you don't agree with.
If you think it is ok to tell a child a white lie I really don't condemn that - it has merits and my way might be worse.
Hugs to her. And hugs to her dad. As a father I can imagine nothing more dehumanizing and humiliating than to be a source of shame and pity for my daughter. I can't even be mad at him for causing this, I can't imagine a worse punishment
I'm so fortunate that my 17 year old daughter and I stay so close and that she will talk to me. I've said many times about raising her that the biggest challenge was what I call the information line.
It's an invisible line, on one side is information to protect her with, on the other is information to protect her from. An example - 4 years ago our next door neighbors niece hit a phone pole at 90 mph drunk. I let her see the picture of the crumpled and blackened remains of the car, I would not show her the girls remains. I'm sure I've given her TMI at times or sheltered her too much at times but getting that line right is why I think she is a good kid who hasn't gotten mixed up with drugs or booze.
On alcohol the line was that I let her try wine at our table and she was curious at first then bored. Now when kids drink around her there is no mystery or taboo and I've used trust and praise of good behavior rather than harshly setting limits and threatening punishments... Letting her drink was before we knew her stepmom, I would not have let her drink in front of her.
Kids can't be fooled anyway, they miss very little and it really shakes them when they feel duped. I HATE that you have to make that call but her dad is building his relationship with her and you are building yours. Don't allow protecting him or her make you do something you don't agree with.
If you think it is ok to tell a child a white lie I really don't condemn that - it has merits and my way might be worse.
Hugs to her. And hugs to her dad. As a father I can imagine nothing more dehumanizing and humiliating than to be a source of shame and pity for my daughter. I can't even be mad at him for causing this, I can't imagine a worse punishment
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
