Ready but scared as hell....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Ready but scared as hell....
AH of 11 yrs has been playing mr. innocent the past couple weeks. Didnt matter to me. Knew it was an act and basically I dont care anymore. Saturday night comes home in a rampage. Wakes me up yelling about me being so mean to him for months. Threatens to bash my face in. Goes out and sits on chair. Gets up to take pants off, which he falls in the process, gets upand gets ashtray and starts urinating in it, while it is going all over carpet. Puts ashtray on table and stumbles to kitchen. Sees me standing there and starts again. During which he says he oughta smack me, grab me by hair and drag me to the curb, spitting in my face,etc. My children are upstairs, 7 & 10, plus my daughter has a friend over. My son who is 7 is crying, saying he needs to come down to go to bathroom. AH tells him to shut up, pee in the bed. He lets him come down. He goes back up, still crying, I said to ah to please stop. He says to me, "does it look like I f****** care if he is crying, this is my house". I am just sitting there, afraid to even move. Says he will do what he wants in his house. Finally done, passes out in chair with cigarette hanging out mouth. That was it for me. Today I am filing a pfa to have him removed from house. Wanted to wait till after holidays but cant. He is on 2nd dui, which means court will not let him be with kids without supervision. Fine with me. What is so scary is that house is in his name and he is gonna be made leave. I am also going for support and may even file for divorce. He is going to be furious. I have no where to go right now, not till maybe February. He can come back then. I am just so done with everything, I cant stand to look at him one more day. Am I doing right thing?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
There are people who will be along that are much more experienced with domestic violence and children involved but it sounds like you have no choice but to do what it takes to protect you and your precious children. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Honey, you need to leave or get him out and protect yourself and your children! I am so sorry you n the kids are going through this verbal, emotional and possibly physical assault brought on by your AH! Just awful! Please take care of yourself and the kids and don't waste one more second doubting yourself! Protect you and yours n get away from him asap! God Bless n be safe!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
IMO yes. I was your children, raised in an alcoholiuc, abusive home. My mother is the drunk in my life, she also married abusive drunks. My childhood was filled with fear and pain. I prayed that someone would come and resue me and my brother...no one did.
I wouldn't wish my childhood on my worst enemy.
Keep those innocent children as your priorty, the sooner you get them away from him, the better.
We are here for you!
I wouldn't wish my childhood on my worst enemy.
Keep those innocent children as your priorty, the sooner you get them away from him, the better.
We are here for you!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Women's Center & Shelter
Home - Women's Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh
Women’s Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh’s 24 hour Hotline
412-687-8005 or toll free at 1-877-338-TALK (8255)
Emergency Shelter
In addition to offering women and children a safe place to stay, Women's Center's 24-hour Shelter offers a comprehensive range of services for victims of domestic violence and their children, including legal and medical advocacy, individual counseling sessions and support groups, housing advocacy, and assistance in goal planning and safety planning.
Home - Women's Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh
Women’s Center & Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh’s 24 hour Hotline
412-687-8005 or toll free at 1-877-338-TALK (8255)
Emergency Shelter
In addition to offering women and children a safe place to stay, Women's Center's 24-hour Shelter offers a comprehensive range of services for victims of domestic violence and their children, including legal and medical advocacy, individual counseling sessions and support groups, housing advocacy, and assistance in goal planning and safety planning.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
He called from work asking why its so easy for me to just give up. I think after eleven yrs of this, its time. Says I am not perfect either. Never said I was. He wants us to be , too late for that. Just really scared.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yes you are doing the right thing do not question it for a moment.
Don't wait until he hits you or one of your children. You would be wise to file for divorce while the PFA is in place.
Sorry this has happened to you but really glad you have had enough.
Don't wait until he hits you or one of your children. You would be wise to file for divorce while the PFA is in place.
Sorry this has happened to you but really glad you have had enough.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm sorry for your frightening experience, and for what the kids have been through.
I hope there is no question that he has to be the one who leaves, not you and the kids. Also is it relevant that the house is in his name if you've been married 11 years, and the kids need shelter?
All the best; at least you know now.
I hope there is no question that he has to be the one who leaves, not you and the kids. Also is it relevant that the house is in his name if you've been married 11 years, and the kids need shelter?
All the best; at least you know now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
The blame game... you this n that. He's deflecting from the root of the problem and that is his abuse of alcohol.
Why would I blame myself when it's easier to blame YOU!
No wiser words have ever been spoken to me but these by an 83 year old man I cared for. After he said it, he told me... think about that. It's true too for people who can't or won't take responsibility for their actions.
Why would I blame myself when it's easier to blame YOU!
No wiser words have ever been spoken to me but these by an 83 year old man I cared for. After he said it, he told me... think about that. It's true too for people who can't or won't take responsibility for their actions.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
myfreedom, actions speak louder than words. I am glad you have had enough.
What he feels, thinks or says does not matter, now you know who he really is.
Please call the DV hotlines. They understand and can provide support.
You are not alone. You are brave in deciding to live differently ((hugs))
What he feels, thinks or says does not matter, now you know who he really is.
Please call the DV hotlines. They understand and can provide support.
You are not alone. You are brave in deciding to live differently ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
MyFreedom,
IMO you are doing the right thing. You and your children do not deserve to feel fearful and terrorized in your own home ( I don't care who's name is on the deed.) It is utterly unacceptable. You would not let a neighbor or a co-worker treat you or your children that way. He has a greater obligation to you than than a neighbor or stranger - and he is not only failing to care for and support you - he is abusing you.
I know how very scary this is. I had no choice but to call the police on my STBAXH in June. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I know it was the right thing to do. I had my doubts for some time (can find that it my past posts) -but I sought support and strength here and I KNOW I did what I had to do. (My boys know it too)
Please, seek the help of a domestic violence support agency.
You can do this. Your children are lucky to have a mom who will say ENOUGH! - not in my house - not in front of my kids. NO WAY!
For every one of us who post here there are at least 10 others who are reading along and praying for you.
Sending you strength, support, and hugs,
MamaKit
IMO you are doing the right thing. You and your children do not deserve to feel fearful and terrorized in your own home ( I don't care who's name is on the deed.) It is utterly unacceptable. You would not let a neighbor or a co-worker treat you or your children that way. He has a greater obligation to you than than a neighbor or stranger - and he is not only failing to care for and support you - he is abusing you.
I know how very scary this is. I had no choice but to call the police on my STBAXH in June. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I know it was the right thing to do. I had my doubts for some time (can find that it my past posts) -but I sought support and strength here and I KNOW I did what I had to do. (My boys know it too)
Please, seek the help of a domestic violence support agency.
You can do this. Your children are lucky to have a mom who will say ENOUGH! - not in my house - not in front of my kids. NO WAY!
For every one of us who post here there are at least 10 others who are reading along and praying for you.
Sending you strength, support, and hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Please DO get in touch with your local domestic violence TC has given you links to!
It was the best counseling I got and all for free.
You can count on him getting uglier now, leaving is the most dangerous time, but I so hope you do it.
When you start to doubt, remember this night and your poor little 7yr old, undoubtedly terrified, simply needing to go potty..and instead of holiday wishes floating in his head as he goes to bed.....lying there by himself all alone without the comfort of his mother and scared for her and himself. Your daughter is only 10. They are so young and impressionable.
Your A is about to get a whole lot worse. Protecting yourself and all the minors in your home needs to be #1.
Your alcoholic is also an abuser and he can turn those ugly threats into action on a dime.
Please remember that a restraining order is a piece of paper that he may disregard or consider a challenge. Many do.
Change your locks. Keep a cell close at all times. Don't wait for his threats to become real and you are unconscious and unable to dial 911, with all the phone cords pulled out in the house. Pack an emergency bag for you and your children and keep it in the trunk of your car in case you need to leave suddenly. Hide an extra set of keys where you can get to them always.
For when he realizes he has nothing to lose as you are done with him...nasty gets nastier.
Do not be reassured if he has only been verbally abusive before that it means he will not ramp it up to seriously dangerous. (verbal abuse IS seriously dangerous..but you know what I mean, I hope.) he MAY attempt to bash your head in, mine did.
He has told you he wants to smash your head in. He gets blackout drunk and pisses around in the living room. It's a tiny imperceptible line to actually going after you physically in the manner he has threatened.
I didn't see it coming at all the evening mine crossed that line and I could have been killed. It's a miracle I tricked him and got out of the house after being beaten and tied up. I don't know how I would have been able to do that with children and getting them out too. I am pretty sure he would have made them hostages so that I could not get out.....and I had only stopped by to pick up something of mine he said he would return to me but had been threatening me with.
There are stickies at the top of this forum that contain information for precautions to take.
He will also be particularly liable to cross into extra nasty for "ruining the holidays for him"....even tho he holds the entire family hostage to fear that makes it unable to have holidays.
This guy really scares me, has all my hairs standing on end. and not because he drinks and is alcoholic. Because he is an abuser who is alcoholic, yes. He could put away the alcohol right now..but he would still be an abuser.
Lundy Bancroft has an excellent book I would recommend. The title is something like "why does he do that, inside the minds of controlling men."
You sound strong in your resolution to put an end to this. YAY for you! You will be in my thoughts.
Just...be prepared for anything to happen. It might. It can. It does.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
It was the best counseling I got and all for free.
You can count on him getting uglier now, leaving is the most dangerous time, but I so hope you do it.
When you start to doubt, remember this night and your poor little 7yr old, undoubtedly terrified, simply needing to go potty..and instead of holiday wishes floating in his head as he goes to bed.....lying there by himself all alone without the comfort of his mother and scared for her and himself. Your daughter is only 10. They are so young and impressionable.
Your A is about to get a whole lot worse. Protecting yourself and all the minors in your home needs to be #1.
Your alcoholic is also an abuser and he can turn those ugly threats into action on a dime.
Please remember that a restraining order is a piece of paper that he may disregard or consider a challenge. Many do.
Change your locks. Keep a cell close at all times. Don't wait for his threats to become real and you are unconscious and unable to dial 911, with all the phone cords pulled out in the house. Pack an emergency bag for you and your children and keep it in the trunk of your car in case you need to leave suddenly. Hide an extra set of keys where you can get to them always.
For when he realizes he has nothing to lose as you are done with him...nasty gets nastier.
Do not be reassured if he has only been verbally abusive before that it means he will not ramp it up to seriously dangerous. (verbal abuse IS seriously dangerous..but you know what I mean, I hope.) he MAY attempt to bash your head in, mine did.
He has told you he wants to smash your head in. He gets blackout drunk and pisses around in the living room. It's a tiny imperceptible line to actually going after you physically in the manner he has threatened.
I didn't see it coming at all the evening mine crossed that line and I could have been killed. It's a miracle I tricked him and got out of the house after being beaten and tied up. I don't know how I would have been able to do that with children and getting them out too. I am pretty sure he would have made them hostages so that I could not get out.....and I had only stopped by to pick up something of mine he said he would return to me but had been threatening me with.
There are stickies at the top of this forum that contain information for precautions to take.
He will also be particularly liable to cross into extra nasty for "ruining the holidays for him"....even tho he holds the entire family hostage to fear that makes it unable to have holidays.
This guy really scares me, has all my hairs standing on end. and not because he drinks and is alcoholic. Because he is an abuser who is alcoholic, yes. He could put away the alcohol right now..but he would still be an abuser.
Lundy Bancroft has an excellent book I would recommend. The title is something like "why does he do that, inside the minds of controlling men."
You sound strong in your resolution to put an end to this. YAY for you! You will be in my thoughts.
Just...be prepared for anything to happen. It might. It can. It does.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
[QUOTE=myfreedom;3699773] My children are upstairs, 7 & 10, plus my daughter has a friend over. [QUOTE]
I don't know about your state, but in mine, this kind of stuff can lead to a visit with child protective services. All is takes is for that child to go home, tell their folks, who in turn reports it - maybe to the school, maybe to child protective services directly - and I am held accountable.
It was a situation like this that led me to leave - knowing he could act this way with someone else's child in the home. Bad enough in front of my kids, but someone else's kid? That crossed every line I had ever set.
Your husband is out of control. It's not you giving up so easily (I got the same thing, by the way) it is you acting in your best interests and your kids best interests. That's what good parents do.
Hugs,
~T
I don't know about your state, but in mine, this kind of stuff can lead to a visit with child protective services. All is takes is for that child to go home, tell their folks, who in turn reports it - maybe to the school, maybe to child protective services directly - and I am held accountable.
It was a situation like this that led me to leave - knowing he could act this way with someone else's child in the home. Bad enough in front of my kids, but someone else's kid? That crossed every line I had ever set.
Your husband is out of control. It's not you giving up so easily (I got the same thing, by the way) it is you acting in your best interests and your kids best interests. That's what good parents do.
Hugs,
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 262
Originally Posted by Live 
When you go to the courthouse, can you pull some money out of the bank. I am expecting him to empty it for you..so it is whomever gets there first.
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