Conflicted
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Loveblossom79 
I've been talking to my XABF for the past week every few days. He's picked up 2 part-time jobs (actually put together a resume, interviewed, etc), I never would have imagined this from him (he did end up staying at his full time job, but is looking to leave). He's been going to both temple and church (something I used to beg him to do), he asked me and my daughter to come (I declined, I don't want to confuse her).
He asked me to forgive him...he says that he doesn't want to drink anymore and hasn't had a drink since he poured his alcohol out on Nov. 7th. He has been very introspective...stating that he had resented me because I wanted him to stop drinking, and that the alcohol was his best friend, so my wanting to take him away from his best friend was not welcomed and angered him. He said that he understands why I ended things and why I won't let him see my daughter, he hopes we can at least have a friendship, that it's been so hard not talking to me. That he used to love to drink, but now he sees how much it's hurt his life, and he promised GOD and himself that he won't drink again (that some people can have 1, but he isn't that person).
He was molested by his stepfather when he was younger (he is living with his mom and step dad since I kicked him out). He told me that he confronted his step dad the other day and forgave him for the abuse...then he prayed and cried...and felt better...he feels that the abuse contributed to his drinking and that he needs to deal with his reasons for starting drinking if he's truly going to recover from it.
I told him that my daughter is sad, that she wants him to go to rehab so we can be a family again. He said to tell her that he's ok. Her response was "how can he be ok if he isn't with us?" She hasn't seen or spoken to him since Nov. 10th, she misses him alot which is hard for me to see. He told me he's in his own recovery, and that he's actively working it.
My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
He asked me to forgive him...he says that he doesn't want to drink anymore and hasn't had a drink since he poured his alcohol out on Nov. 7th. He has been very introspective...stating that he had resented me because I wanted him to stop drinking, and that the alcohol was his best friend, so my wanting to take him away from his best friend was not welcomed and angered him. He said that he understands why I ended things and why I won't let him see my daughter, he hopes we can at least have a friendship, that it's been so hard not talking to me. That he used to love to drink, but now he sees how much it's hurt his life, and he promised GOD and himself that he won't drink again (that some people can have 1, but he isn't that person).
He was molested by his stepfather when he was younger (he is living with his mom and step dad since I kicked him out). He told me that he confronted his step dad the other day and forgave him for the abuse...then he prayed and cried...and felt better...he feels that the abuse contributed to his drinking and that he needs to deal with his reasons for starting drinking if he's truly going to recover from it.
I told him that my daughter is sad, that she wants him to go to rehab so we can be a family again. He said to tell her that he's ok. Her response was "how can he be ok if he isn't with us?" She hasn't seen or spoken to him since Nov. 10th, she misses him alot which is hard for me to see. He told me he's in his own recovery, and that he's actively working it.
My question is, could this actually work? He's been making more steps than i've ever seen before from him, and the things he's saying are really close to his heart (I know because they were taboo tobics for the last 9 years)...but, recovery without a "program"?
does his mom not know? he was never arrested?
she is still with a child molester? that just broke me up inside and seriously made me ill. Good for your x but jesus....i feel for him and that sick situation there.
I am very glad he has learned to forgive the past and move forward and that he is working on himself. yes it could actually work i would says so because OMG HE just confronted his molester and forgave him>>?? thats a hugggggeee step.
i would give him a little more time because thats a gas and fire situation but yes it could work ....but give it more time before you leap in and maybe suggest he work some sort of program for himself. it may help him more to talk to someone. good luck
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
woah woah woah! im sorry but he was staying with his mom and stepdad.....and his stepdad molested him when he was young?
does his mom not know? he was never arrested?
she is still with a child molester? that just broke me up inside and seriously made me ill. Good for your x but jesus....i feel for him and that sick situation there.
I am very glad he has learned to forgive the past and move forward and that he is working on himself. yes it could actually work i would says so because OMG HE just confronted his molester and forgave him>>?? thats a hugggggeee step.
i would give him a little more time because thats a gas and fire situation but yes it could work ....but give it more time before you leap in and maybe suggest he work some sort of program for himself. it may help him more to talk to someone. good luck
does his mom not know? he was never arrested?
she is still with a child molester? that just broke me up inside and seriously made me ill. Good for your x but jesus....i feel for him and that sick situation there.
I am very glad he has learned to forgive the past and move forward and that he is working on himself. yes it could actually work i would says so because OMG HE just confronted his molester and forgave him>>?? thats a hugggggeee step.
i would give him a little more time because thats a gas and fire situation but yes it could work ....but give it more time before you leap in and maybe suggest he work some sort of program for himself. it may help him more to talk to someone. good luck
His mom became aware of the abuse right after she married his stepdad (he told her), she is very religious and went to marriage counseling...they are still married, and no he was never prosecuted (although he has been ill for years, so God maybe took care of that).
My AXBF never received any counseling...the abuse stopped because he faught back...alot of his anger is directly from this. He loves his mom very much and she's his biggest enabler (she only accepted that he has a drinking problem because he sat down with her and told her ALL of it). He lived with them for a few years before we moved in together, and he's back there now...but it's never been a good situation for him to be in and the drinking numbed that for him...all things he is finally dealing with.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
i just cant imagine what it was like for him and still to this day to live in the same home with his abuser or let alone to know that his abuser never served justice and his mother is with his abuser which is just disgusting. i would think his problems surely come from this.....sexually emotionaly and physically abused children suffer so much and in turn they look to addiction. i applaud him for what he is doing but because this is what it is and abuse is the most devistating heart wrenching thing to endure....suffering many emotional and psychological scars i almost cant believe it was poof hes ok...i do think its progress but he realllllyyy needs to see someone and not only make amends with his abuser, his mother (because there are scars there) but with himself and this is going to take some sort of program BECAUSE he is a product of a abuse. best wishes to him. my heart aches for him.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
My XAH (H of 22 years) blames his drinking and drug abuse and abuse of me because:
* he was sexually abused by his brother and also a stranger
* he never made it as a musician and it's all my fault (I insisted he earn some money and not play stupid gigs at stupid bars at 1 and 2 and 3 am and then drink the proceeds)
* his baby died - the baby was my baby too - I have managed to be productive financially ever since
* his father died - fathers often pre-decease their children
* I am a b*tch from hell that demands too much
His main bleat is that he was sexually abused as a child, therefore he is allowed to drink and drug and abuse me and our children as much as he likes. He deserves an outlet, says he.
He has actually screamed at me that because I am/was his wife he believes it is my duty to listen to him scream and bleat and rage at the world whenever it takes his drunken arse fancy. Because he was an abused child. Because his baby died. Because it was f*cking Tuesday.
Just more f*cking QUACKING. More f*cking excuses. More blaming. More denial.
Not much ES&H in there from me, it's a bit of experience I suppose
A bit of MY strength and my HOPE that I have done the right thing for my children in getting that drunken arse OUT of my house.
* he was sexually abused by his brother and also a stranger
* he never made it as a musician and it's all my fault (I insisted he earn some money and not play stupid gigs at stupid bars at 1 and 2 and 3 am and then drink the proceeds)
* his baby died - the baby was my baby too - I have managed to be productive financially ever since
* his father died - fathers often pre-decease their children
* I am a b*tch from hell that demands too much
His main bleat is that he was sexually abused as a child, therefore he is allowed to drink and drug and abuse me and our children as much as he likes. He deserves an outlet, says he.
He has actually screamed at me that because I am/was his wife he believes it is my duty to listen to him scream and bleat and rage at the world whenever it takes his drunken arse fancy. Because he was an abused child. Because his baby died. Because it was f*cking Tuesday.
Just more f*cking QUACKING. More f*cking excuses. More blaming. More denial.
Not much ES&H in there from me, it's a bit of experience I suppose
A bit of MY strength and my HOPE that I have done the right thing for my children in getting that drunken arse OUT of my house.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 37
well...he is not one to talk about the abuse, he told me in a moment of weakness about 8years ago and because of how I handled it he trusts me to talk about it with..but I never initiate the conversation...he mainly built a wall around it (I believe a wall of beer cans). His mom wasn't aware of the abuse and was really upset when she became aware...I know that she tried to put him into therapy but he refused to go (he was about 13), he has a great relationship with his mom (she was a single mom), they are really close and she is about the only one he will listen to even in a drunken rage. She stayed married due to religious reasons, however it has not been a happy marriage. My ex mainly ignored him while living there, or it broke into a fight...that man has never been allowed in my home or alone with my child.
My ex did start to address the abuse when he was in the outpatient rehab, and that trickled down to talking more to me about it...from what he told me about the interaction where he forgave his step dad, it was not a short conversation, but rather him being able to get out all of his feelings about what had happened to him, and let it go, because it wasn't his shame to carry anymore. Do I think that he's really resolved all of his feelings about this? No way. Do I think it's a good thing for him to have all this contact with him? No way. But that is his choice and I'm staying out of it.
My ex did start to address the abuse when he was in the outpatient rehab, and that trickled down to talking more to me about it...from what he told me about the interaction where he forgave his step dad, it was not a short conversation, but rather him being able to get out all of his feelings about what had happened to him, and let it go, because it wasn't his shame to carry anymore. Do I think that he's really resolved all of his feelings about this? No way. Do I think it's a good thing for him to have all this contact with him? No way. But that is his choice and I'm staying out of it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by MrsDragon
I believe that if a person has the inner desire to end their alcohol abuse, couples that with introspection regarding the root cause of their alcoholism; such as abuse in this case, and then relies on a support through their faith (which could be considered a structured program anyway) then they can recover.
I'd like to share with you from the standpoint of a recovering addict/alcoholic. I think Dolly gave a statistic that most don't want to hear, yet is very close to the truth.
I've been in the rooms of recovery since 1986. My original home group disintegrated two years after I got clean/sober the first time (drank again and sobered up in 1990). So the group I attend today has been my home group since 1988.
My former sponsor and still friend has 31 years clean/sober. One other fellow has 35 years. I have 22 years. That's 3 long-term recoveries, out of thousands of people who have come and gone back out again over the years.
My former sponsor and I had a deep conversation one day because I was struggling with the loss of AA friends over the years. He said, "It is lonely at the top, DeVon. I'ts a fact that those of us with substantial recovery see the revolving door over the years. We have to grieve those losses, move on, and continue to reach out to others."
It is definitely less than 10% within my town.
It hurts my heart to know that this is a treatable disease, but yet alcoholics continue to die from their disease. I think often of close friends I've lost.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I wouldn't get my hopes up. Until he's working hard in a program -- like AA -- he is unlikely to stay sober long. Alcoholics (and codependents) have strong denial and think they can control their drinking. And they will do and say anything to keep an enabler around. The proof is in what he actually does.
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