Is alcohol to blame for his contradictions ?
 

My spouse and I have been separated for almost 3 years. I pushed him out for his drinking, lying, cheating. Since that time, he has asked for forgiveness, told me I am the love of his life, says he wants me but then he walks away again and again. Last winter I discovered he still had contact with the woman he cheated with. I didn't argue just walked away. That is when he admitted he had a drinking problem and begged me to help him. For four days he stayed at our house and did not return to his apartment. only 4 days and he was back to drinking and showing his rude / nasty self. No one but me has ever seen this side of him. He is never outwardly drunk in public. My counselor, who saw him too, thinks like me, although he loves me, I am not his drinking buddy. He wants his drinking buddy girlfriend more than me. Yet when he is sober he always says, " no one will ever love me like you. No one will ever be my best friend as you. "

The only logical explanation to all his contradictions about wanting me, loving me then walking out on me is ALCOHOL.

You see, I told him when I pushed him out, he can't come back until he is sober.

I honestly believe that he remembered that.

Can you explain all this craziness ? So many of our friends / family don't get it. They call him the mystery man. His family and friends never saw him drunk plus he never gave them a hard time.

I am trying to date and move on. I am 58 years old, he is turning 60 this December. So sad because we really do love each other but I love myself more.

and you should....LOVE YOURSELF MORE

Love him from a distance & move on, you deserve it.
Hugs.

[

Manipulation to get what he wants when he wants it.



QUOTE=cat4554;3698984]My spouse and I have been separated for almost 3 years. I pushed him out for his drinking, lying, cheating. Since that time, he has asked for forgiveness, told me I am the love of his life, says he wants me but then he walks away again and again. Last winter I discovered he still had contact with the woman he cheated with. I didn't argue just walked away. That is when he admitted he had a drinking problem and begged me to help him. For four days he stayed at our house and did not return to his apartment. only 4 days and he was back to drinking and showing his rude / nasty self. No one but me has ever seen this side of him. He is never outwardly drunk in public. My counselor, who saw him too, thinks like me, although he loves me, I am not his drinking buddy. He wants his drinking buddy girlfriend more than me. Yet when he is sober he always says, " no one will ever love me like you. No one will ever be my best friend as you. "

The only logical explanation to all his contradictions about wanting me, loving me then walking out on me is ALCOHOL.

You see, I told him when I pushed him out, he can't come back until he is sober.

I honestly believe that he remembered that.

Can you explain all this craziness ? So many of our friends / family don't get it. They call him the mystery man. His family and friends never saw him drunk plus he never gave them a hard time.

I am trying to date and move on. I am 58 years old, he is turning 60 this December. So sad because we really do love each other but I love myself more.[/QUOTE]

But my question wasn't answered, is alcohol to blame for his contradictions ? I think so but I am not a professional.

[


His disease is to blame. What comes with his disease is manipulative behaviour to survive.





QUOTE=cat4554;3699037]But my question wasn't answered, is alcohol to blame for his contradictions ? I think so but I am not a professional.[/QUOTE]

You've given his disease enough of your life. IMO it is time for you to let go and move on. There are no dress rehersals, this is it, one pass through life, make the best of it...for you.

He has a disease that has no cure, he has not embraced recovery and possibly never will. There is less than a 10% chance of recovery for life, and, that is IF one is working a strong recovery program.

That's all I needed to hear. Thank you & Happy Holidays. Hope you all have found your inner peace. Today I saw on FB a quote by the Dalia Lama and felt it was meant for me.
~ " Don't Let The Behavior Of Others Destroy Your Inner Peace." ~
So true with loved ones who are any type of substance abusers.

Yes, his maladaptive behaviors (most of them) are probably caused by the drinking.

Now, understand it. Have understanding for the fact that he is doing what he is doing because he is sick. He needs help. And something people don't really think about is the fact that even though he is lying and manipulating you all the time, think about the lies and bs he is telling himself. I bet it's a thousand times worse.

That said, understanding does NOT denote condonement or acceptance of said behavior. If you are not alright with the behavior (which it seems you aren't) then you have every right to get away from him. You don't have to deal with it. Let him beat himself up a little more instead of you, maybe he will get tired of it and do something about it.

He may never get help. He may get help and relapse. No one knows.

No, he is to blame for continuing to drink and not getting help to quit drinking. I'm a recovering alcoholic so I know when we get sober we learn we're responsible for everything we say and do. We have to work hard to repair for the wreckage of the past and make amends to those we have harmed. It's his decision to pick up a drink. Nobody is holding him down and pouring alcohol down his throat.

Your husband sounds like a typical active alcoholic. Will say anything to keep the enabler on hand to pick up the pieces, support them in their drinking. All alcoholics blame others for their drinking and their problems.

Thanks to all of you. I really needed to hear all this. It is sad because I know we love each other. My mother was like this. She only stopped when her Parkinsons Disease got the better of her. On her death bed she apologized. So much wasted time. I wanted so desperately to have the kind of mother I dreamed about. There is so much alcoholism in my life on my mother's side besides depression and being Bi Polar. I have never known of any on my husband's side except for his mother's uncle. This is something that happened to him the last 12 years. It just got the better of him. He is going to be 60. Isn't this a little old for him to be this way? I know he was getting unhappy with the marriage. I also thought Mid Life Crisis since infidelity happened as well. I know I deserve a better life than this but it is sad because I know he is a good person. When my dad died this summer, he was there for me the whole time and to the best of my knowledge, he wasn't drinking. Never smelled it on him or noticed it.
I guess you don't have to be a falling down drunk, am I correct ??

He can drink anywhere from 2 glasses of wine in one day to the almost the whole bottle.

He helps me with finances and although we are separated and he is seeing someone, I think his former lover, we signed all the papers to make sure I will get half his pension and in the event of his death someday, I will get everything, then our sons. So he is protecting my welfare.

Can you understand how sad I feel at times ? I HATE that people get addicted to any crap.

Oh God yes. It is utterly heartbreaking to see someone you love (or once loved) destroy himself. I think self-destructiveness is at the heart of this disease. But you must take care of yourself and this is the area you do have power. Alanon saved my sanity and my life. I hope it helps you.

Dear NYCDoglvr,
How did AL Anon help you if you were a recovering alcoholic ? I am confused. Don't you mean AA ??

addicts will find drinking buddies, they will find enablers and yes they will contradict themselves. i have witness contradictions from my alcohlic nearly every drinking moment. they get annoying and frankly p*** me off lol but yes its associated with alcoholism as well as cheating as well as finding others to be with / to enable and as well as getting mean.

Al-Anon is for anyone who loves (or is simply involved with) someone with an addiction - be it family, friends, spouses, etc. There are many "double-winners" in Al-Anon, meaning those who attend AA and Al-Anon together.

The best advice and wisdom I have ever received is from double-winners. God bless them for gracing the rooms of Al-Anon.
~T

The alcohol may just be a symptom and not the root cause.

many alcoholics have other mental disorders...bi-polar, personality disorders, etc. Those disorders are often the cause for irrational behavior, depression, and anxiety. Alcohol use was likely the "go to" solution to self-medicate.

Cat4554, an alcoholic can be a child, sibling, parent or spouse of another alcoholic. That's why they are called "double winners." They can go to AA for their own physical and emotional sobriety, and to Al-Anon because they've been or are being affected by another person's alcoholism. They say, "AA helps keep me sober and Al-Anon helps keep me sane." Al-Anon helps with the "insanity" of codependency, controlling, enabling and focusing on changing other people, places, things. Al-Anon helps bring the focus back on oneself and on what one can change about oneself and one's circumstances today (not yesterday or tomorrow), and teaches one to accept what one cannot change.

Also, you may want to check out an Al-Anon meeting for adult children of alcoholics yourself, or an ACoA meeting (Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.)

Alcoholism is to blame. The ism is I, Self, and Me. The drinking is only a symptom of the disease within.

I have to say, someone who really loves you is not going to lie and cheat on you. He sounds confused and he keeps running back to you as though you're some kind of security blanket. Cut him loose.

Freedoem u beat me to it! so enough about him

have you read any of Melody Beatties books?...they are a interesting read, and it me to a T!....in my 3 years of my Al anon group, i am still learning and growing...but i love my journey now....i am finally ME!!