Is alcohol to blame for his contradictions ?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I have asked that question a million times.....hoping and praying it was the bottle! I felt and was told excatly what you wrote....Either way I know it is not right, it's not ok and it hurt me tremendously over and over again! However, when i was a chikd i recall my mother always said "what we permit we promote"! I will likely never know th truth and still battle the question but in the end I know the trust is likely gone regardless of the bottle and the pain remain! 
. I am sorry I can't add much as far as an answer but I understand your desire/need for the truth!
. I am sorry I can't add much as far as an answer but I understand your desire/need for the truth!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I asked myself this question so often and it has only been lately that I realize that it really doesn't matter. Perhaps I had felt for so long that if the alcohol is to blame then with sobriety he would be faithful and want to recommit to our marriage and apologize for all the ways he hurt me. But it could just as well be that he simply does not love me anymore, and is an immature, self centered person who has several unresolved conflicts. The bottom line is that my world is peaceful without him. I can have a good life without him. I can survive and even thrive without him. NO matter the reason, I will not accept nor make excuses for his cheating or his verbal abuse. I deserve more in a relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Edison, NJ
Posts: 16
My spouse (technically he is still my spouse, we never divorced but separated over 2.5 years), has said MANY times, that I am the love of his life and ALWAYS will be. He has apologized over and over again for hurting me. Claims he never wants to hurt me again YET he keeps doing everything that he says he wouldn't do.
What is hard to comprehend by so many and yes, at times for me, he doesn't appear to be an alcoholic. Everyone thinks you have to be a falling down drunk, not going to work, etc.
Does he drink ? Yes. How much ? I have no idea since I don't live with him. Have I smelled it on him in the past 2.5 years ? YES.
He goes to work, pays all his bills. Helps his family with chores. No one ever saw him drunk or slighly inebriated; no one BUT me.
He seems happy. Yet he is full of contradictions thus the half truths. He isn't completely honest with me but then again, with himself.
It does break my heart and I will admit, I do miss what we had when it was good. Yes, I foolishly believed EVERYTHING such as, him wanting to date me and come back into my life. He told me that over & over again in the 2.5 years and I always took him back.
You see, all through this, I have read so many books not only about alcoholism but just being a loving & forgiving person. No one was more patient & understanding of him than me and he has told me that.
I have a hard time understanding how do you tell someone that they are the love of your life then you never hear from them again???
I know I should let it go and god knows I have tried but it is soo hard. I know by me constantly thinking of him, that is letting him have control of me and emotions and I shouldn't allow that.
I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO but it is easier said than done.
I am human and not perfect. But everyday I pick myself up and start over again and hope for a better day.
What doesn't help, he lives 3 blocks away from me. He said he moved that close because he wanted to be there for me, to protect me.
When my dad died this past summer, he was my rock. So many times, he did special things to cheer me up. That wasn't fake. I know how much we love each other.
I guess just having 2 drinks of wine a day is enough to cloud his feelings / emotions and judgement. It is hard to understand this since I am not a alcoholic or drug addict.
I wish I could get into his head and just be him for one day and see what goes on inside his head.
Thank you for being understanding and supportive.
What is hard to comprehend by so many and yes, at times for me, he doesn't appear to be an alcoholic. Everyone thinks you have to be a falling down drunk, not going to work, etc.
Does he drink ? Yes. How much ? I have no idea since I don't live with him. Have I smelled it on him in the past 2.5 years ? YES.
He goes to work, pays all his bills. Helps his family with chores. No one ever saw him drunk or slighly inebriated; no one BUT me.
He seems happy. Yet he is full of contradictions thus the half truths. He isn't completely honest with me but then again, with himself.
It does break my heart and I will admit, I do miss what we had when it was good. Yes, I foolishly believed EVERYTHING such as, him wanting to date me and come back into my life. He told me that over & over again in the 2.5 years and I always took him back.
You see, all through this, I have read so many books not only about alcoholism but just being a loving & forgiving person. No one was more patient & understanding of him than me and he has told me that.
I have a hard time understanding how do you tell someone that they are the love of your life then you never hear from them again???
I know I should let it go and god knows I have tried but it is soo hard. I know by me constantly thinking of him, that is letting him have control of me and emotions and I shouldn't allow that.
I KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO but it is easier said than done.
I am human and not perfect. But everyday I pick myself up and start over again and hope for a better day.
What doesn't help, he lives 3 blocks away from me. He said he moved that close because he wanted to be there for me, to protect me.
When my dad died this past summer, he was my rock. So many times, he did special things to cheer me up. That wasn't fake. I know how much we love each other.
I guess just having 2 drinks of wine a day is enough to cloud his feelings / emotions and judgement. It is hard to understand this since I am not a alcoholic or drug addict.
I wish I could get into his head and just be him for one day and see what goes on inside his head.
Thank you for being understanding and supportive.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
I really empathize with you. Grieving and moving on is hard.
What also makes things cloudy is that with some such drinkers/users, even psychiatrists and psychologists with PhDs have a tough time telling if it's substance abuse or, instead, substance dependence (addiction) per the DSM-IV TR.
What also makes things cloudy is that with some such drinkers/users, even psychiatrists and psychologists with PhDs have a tough time telling if it's substance abuse or, instead, substance dependence (addiction) per the DSM-IV TR.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by ZiggyB 
I have to say, someone who really loves you is not going to lie and cheat on you. He sounds confused and he keeps running back to you as though you're some kind of security blanket. Cut him loose.
Addictions, affairs... both typically stem more from an unmet emotional need or an unhealed emotional wound than from some inherent defect of character or lack of love.
Now if you turn that around and say that if you love yourself then you shouldn't allow someone to lie, cheat and (whatever) repeatedly without clear and compelling evidence that they have changed in a meaningful way then I agree... addiction and cheating are forms of escape, lying, manipulation etcetera are ways of protecting access to the painkiller.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1
Cat4554 ~ I just came across your post and what you wrote tugged at my heart. I have seen alcoholism up close with extended family members and it's so hard to watch someone you love self-destruct. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You mentioned that you both were in counseling together. Are you still able to speak to your counselor to help you sort all of this out? I heard a counselor once say "Alcoholism looks different on different people". This really helped me when I was trying to help one of my family members and understand myself why she didn't consider herself an alcoholic but had all the symptoms and behaviors. I know of a free counseling helpline so just let me know if you would like the number. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and my prayers are with you!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by PohsFriend
If only the human mind were so uncomplicated that this could be true then it would be so easy to live in this world but it is not that simple and the people we hurt the most are often the ones we love the most.
Addictions, affairs... both typically stem more from an unmet emotional need or an unhealed emotional wound than from some inherent defect of character or lack of love.
Now if you turn that around and say that if you love yourself then you shouldn't allow someone to lie, cheat and (whatever) repeatedly without clear and compelling evidence that they have changed in a meaningful way then I agree... addiction and cheating are forms of escape, lying, manipulation etcetera are ways of protecting access to the painkiller.
Addictions, affairs... both typically stem more from an unmet emotional need or an unhealed emotional wound than from some inherent defect of character or lack of love.
Now if you turn that around and say that if you love yourself then you shouldn't allow someone to lie, cheat and (whatever) repeatedly without clear and compelling evidence that they have changed in a meaningful way then I agree... addiction and cheating are forms of escape, lying, manipulation etcetera are ways of protecting access to the painkiller.
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