Drea831

Hey there! My name is Andrea and I am new to the site. The reason I am writing is my boyfriend/maybe ex/ father of my son is a alchohalic. We have been together for about 7 years, there was alot of on and off through the relationship, but ultimatly we didnt break for long and most the time it was because of his drinking. We now have a son that is about to be a year in less then two weeks. With him, it was alot of fun and games when we met, we were both young and I partied along with him, I honestly thought his partying was us just being young and stupid, but when I moved 4 hours from home to be with him I soon realized he had a major issue with drinking. Things had gotten bad and I left him, and of course he promised help and would get it for a short period of time and then relapse. It was when I got pregnant did I realize I couldnt do this with him anymore. I DO NOT DRINK or use Drugs.. I havent in a very long time, way before the pregnancy. He also does not use drugs, he tells me all the time if it wasnt for me, he would be but I hleped him stop, but he blames me for his drinking. Anyways despite everyone telling me, inclusing his family, to take the baby and run, I stuck around (went thru my pregnancy by myself) I hoped and prayed when his son was born he would sing a different tune. I went to Al Anon as well. When our son was born, he quit drinking on the spot and did so for about 2 months. Until he saw his old buddies and that was it. It got so bad I resorted to moving back home, 4 hours away to my mothers where i currently reside. My job understanding let me work from home and once a month i traveled up to check in, which gave me a chance to see him and for him to see his son.. I ALWAYS loved my sons dad, I always pushed for help, and prayed we'd be a family. He told me several times he didnt want to loose me and our son and he was reluctant so many times to go into a rehab in fear he'd loose me, i told him he wouldnt as long as he got hlep, but he never went. The last time I went up he got really drunk, argued with me (he gets abusive when drinking) and because i refused to rgue back, tried to kill himself.. we tried to baker act him. Needless to say he lost his home and had no choice to check in to a program. He moved back down to where I live (his mom lives here) and checked into a halfway house, swearing before hand they wouldnt break up a family and he was doing this to get himself better and be a better man for our son and I. A few days into the halfway house, (which I dont get being a good place to recover cause he has all the freedom in the world) he started to get distant, not want to talk to me about anything, and was not being lovingor anything that he was before going in. Las ttime I saw him he and I argued, he said he needed to be selfish right now (which he has been for a long time, he hasn helped me with our son finacially or anything for that matter other then a few things here or there), he told me is he misses another few months or whatever of our sons life so be it.. and told me he needs a break from me. I feel like he is putting all the blame on me with his drinking.. let me also state that when I lived there or not the man drank. He would go a month and not call and Id hear from his sister (who he lived with) how bad his drinking was, lost his job and so forth, SO IKNOW it cant be me.. so I dont understand why he is pushing me awya and putting thisd on me. I have tried so hard to remain calm and understanding, not hitting him up with child support, listneing and caring... but im the one hurting too, I work my but off but its still almost impossible to raise a child on your own withou any help, i may live with my mom, but she is not any help at all. I havent heard a word from him now in over a week. I dont know what to think.
People keep telling me he will more then likely end it with me cause thats what people do when they r in rehab and I may be a trigger to him. Peopple tell me give it a chance, he is just soul searching, give him time. and again then I get the he cant be with you. He wont tell me what him and his sponsor speak about and I respect that. But I can only imagine because he is a smooth talker and very minipulative at the same time.
Does anyone have good advice here? is hitting him up on child support something that will force him to go back.. Letmemake it be known, whether we r together or not, i do wish him the best. I dont intend on using the kid as a pawn either, get himself better and our son can be in his life no problem. BUT I CANT have a fair weather father either, when he thinks its ok and time to see him, then he sees him, it cant work that way.. I dont know what is too much and how to go about being supportive but also letting go of this bitterness that is building in me each day. maybe someone can shed some light on this.
Thank you all and i am sorry for the long post, im just at my wits end.
Andrea

cfm

Drea831:

Trigger was a horse. It was owned by Roy Rodgers. That's the only thing you ever have to know about trigger. Their is no such thing as a trigger. No matter what happens to me today I only have to ask myself one question............"What the f**k does this have to do with my decision to saty sober today""??....................Nothing!!!......If he goes back out that's h is problem not yours..........If alcoholics are famous for anything it's broken commitments and neglected responsibilities. That must stop if he is to live. Right now you must concentrate of taking care of you.
C'mon get real. That's all youv'e ever had..........Active alcoholics can't have a real relationship with ANYONE because their already taken. He should have a whole lot of proving to you before you even consider going any farther. The basic rule of thumb right now is "If he's walkin he's stealin, if he's talkin he's lyin.
I sponsor many men and I can assure you a good sponsor will see right through it and not co-sign his ********.
Treatment centers have nothing to do with recovery and everthing to do the raiding the treasuries of insurance companies. Recovery begins with the steps. People do not get well and work the steps, they works the steps and get well. Right now he is suffering from untreated alcoholism That's it end of story.
When I start sponsoring a new guy I give his wife/ mom/ girlfriend my card and say " I want you to think of me as the fire dept, if you smell smoke you call me. I'll come and put the fire out. And then I tell him " If I want to know how your doing you will be the last person in the world I will ask. I'll ask you wife how your doing........Don't be afraid to be rough, everytime he opens his mouth just say " What step are you on & what's your sponsors name and number.....................Don't forget this is YOUR life.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, Drea. cfm has a great response above, but I'd also like to add a few things. First of all, why are you not demanding child support? Do you not need it? Do you think by not expecting this guy to live up to his responsibilities that you are somehow paving the way to a solid recovery? Look at it this way - if you refuse to treat him like a grown man, he has no reason to ever act like one.

I am not sure what else you are asking for in your post, but I do encourage you to stick around, read as much as you can, keep asking questions, attend Al-Anon in person if you can, and focus on yourself. Right now, you are a single parent. You need to ensure that the life you have right now will sufficiently support you and your child.

Take good care,
~T

thislonelygirl

child support is fair....recovery or not.....if he wants to be sober hell do it. worry about you and your child first and secondly no you were NOT the cause of his drinking.....this is a ploy from the addict to post blame so it justifies their behaviour....if he got with a new woman ....he would say the same to her....he would say the same to anyone close as well.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

This is a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:

I did not CAUSE it
I can not CONTROL it
I will not CURE it

It took me a while to wrap my head around that concept and accept it as truth. Once I accepted that I was powerless over his addiction, I was able to give the responsibility back to the one with the problem.

By giving the responsibility and the consequences back to the one with the problem, I was able to focus on myself and my children. I acknowledged that my life had become unmanageable with active alcoholism. I needed to find my own recovery.

I found help through SR, Al Anon and self-improvement books. While your ABF is in treatment, try to begin your own recovery program. Why not go back to Al Anon meetings and get your own sponsor. We have a saying: work the kind of recovery program you would like to see them working.

As a mom, (divorced twice and having experience with child support) child support is for your child. It helps you ,as the custodial parent, to provide a safe, healthy environment for your child. If you are meeting all the basic needs of your child on your solo income, (great!) but what about planning for the future? Child support can go into investments towards school, sports, healthcare costs (like braces), etc. Child support is to ensure your child's needs are met until he reaches adulthood.

Zube

WELL said. Well said, indeed.
Zube

EnglishGarden

Oh Andrea, I winced when I read your words: "I have tried so hard to remain calm and understanding."

That was/has been me for years. A therapist once said to me when I said I was trying to be understanding about an addict's behaviors: "That's what codependents do. They UNDERSTAND."

I've just never forgotten that. I read SR so often to remind myself of what happens to understanding men and women who accept such indifference and abandonment and disrespect from the alcoholic or drug addict and then after describing it, they often say, "I UNDERSTAND THAT HE............. (fill in the blank: hates himself, can't stop shooting up, has friends who give him Jack Daniels, can't find a job, gets stressed out by his ex, lost his dad a couple years ago, can't find a job so he pops oxys to cope......). And what does the codependent in his life do? She gives him a pass: she understands!!!

Oh, that was me and could be at any moment in time without being reminded again and again that my understanding is what got me sick in the first place.

Andrea, hold him accountable. Period.

inpieces314

Wow, did I write this?

Seriously, I know exactly what you are going through. I am so sorry. I am in almost the same situation, and I have no help for you, because I also don't know what to do.

But I am extremely grateful to you for posting this, I am glad that someone else knows what I feel, what I am going through, because no one I know personally understands.

Drea831

Thank u, in some ways u made me feel better n some were the damn truth. If anything in the past years I've gotten so insecure in myself. I question a lot n fall into the traps. Is it me, am I the reason n so on. I just don't get, I guess why this decision now w/ not speaking to me or even calling about our son when he's actually doing the right thing for once. why become so distant and how do I go about it I feel like everyone's treating him and I should treat him like walking on glass. he has a cell phone and in a spare time when he's out at the halfway house he's with his mom and why make it like I'm the bad guy? he does have a sponsor and go to meetings he has to go to six a week minimum

Drea831

I didn't go for child support originally because we were going to work things out and he was going to go and get help and I thought maybe I can swing it but I honestly can't. and I have a decent job but I just cannot afford doing it on my own with baby and then yes part of me thought that I was adding pressure his family and him make me feel like and I don't mean to sound rude that I'm dealing with a cancer patient. at any moment he might break so don't pressure him but I don't think is family gets how much pressure I'm under raising a child.

Drea831

Its the hardest things to go through. I am confused, I feel beat up. Like a fool, abandoned, like a fool...lol. n sad mist of all for my baby n for broken dreams . I hope this post helps.

Drea831

U guys thank u so much. I'm so glad u all were honest n helpful w/out putting me down, being negative , n non judgemenatl. I feel no one understands. Its a hard time for me. It sounds dumb but I prayed for the moment this man got help. N now he is and its like it fall apart n I feel like he truly thinks I'm the blame. His family, the biggest enablers n were always on my side I feel now think I may be a "cause" after yrs of assuring me I wasn't. Idk. Ugh
Thank u guys tho. I can take all the advice n positive wisdom!!! I need it.