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Old 11-29-2012, 01:58 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I hate to sound sexist, but I do think that a lot of men are not as good with this empathy thing as women, they are always told they need to be tough and manly and a lot of them aren't good with exhibiting real caring behavior. At least I have not known too many that seem to be... lmao

But I have to say it does sound like your AH is pretty angry and delusional above the norm, which is quite unfortunate.

When I was dating axbf he would get totally condescending over inspirational books and quotes I would read telling me how stupid they were. To me that seemed a bit sad, why would you undermine someone's efforts to try and make themselves happier?

If he truly makes you miserable, you definitely could leave, I left my 16 year relationship with my ex-h a few years ago, I got the best job I could find which wasn't much and now I live in a little studio apartment. I have a lot less money than I used to but I'm also not living with someone I don't really love anymore. You would get child support and you'd be okay on your own. Maybe it's just time to cut the cord?
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
As for the other part -- I don't see "He supports you" as a good enough reason to feel obligated to treat someone with respect. Matter of fact, I would go a step further and say you are never obligated to treat someone with respect -- respect is earned, and when given by obligation, worthless.


I totally agree with this. In my world respect is earned (but not monetarily) & forcing the child to fake it otherwise sends mixed signals which result in blurred boundaries & bad definitions. I would not condone the child having an antagonistic, aggressive attitude toward his father but I wouldn't force him to fake respect that he doesn't feel. That would be doing him a great disservice now & in his future relationships, IMHO.
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:32 PM
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I, too, am sorry about Evan. Real shame.

As for your husband, you are beating a dead horse, expecting him to be someone he is not.

Many of us here keep telling you the same thing, and, unfortunately you just won't let it go.

Since you desire to stay with him, then accept him for who he really is, take off your rose colored glasses and go about your business. You are attempting to create a life with him that does not and will never exsist.
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:57 PM
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Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Maybe it's time to reevaluate Step 2?

JMHO - said in gentleness, I realized whenever I obsess on my husband's behaviour, it is actually reflecting some imbalance in my own. By obsessing on him i am deflecting and projecting my fears onto him .
My views on respect - both my parents were alcoholic, but they were human - and therefore were entitled to their dignity- also whenever anyone denigrated them as their child I felt the part of them within me was attacked too. Therefore I have always encouraged my children to respect their dad , but to be aware of the alcoholic behaviour.
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Old 11-29-2012, 03:28 PM
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I am very sorry for your loss...

I do have a bit of a problem with reducing his lack of empathy to being an addict. I know several alcoholics (including my father and ABF) and they have a great deal of empathy for people's (and animals') suffering. There is a certain degree of selfishness in any addict because the alcohol/drugs come first, but I don't think it's typical to be this callous...
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Old 11-29-2012, 04:40 PM
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I was curious about lack of empathy, so I googled "is lack of empathy typical in alcoholics " and apparently there has been research that shows a lack of empathy in "pre-morbid alcoholic personalities". Maybe this is a trait in people who's disease is more advanced.
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Old 11-29-2012, 06:12 PM
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This post has triggered me, so much so that I have to post my third ever entry on this site.

Back story - my BIL died a few years back, leaving his wife, two young adult step kids and two teenage boys. Before he died, he had cut off communication with my husband, even though they had been extremely close beforehand. AH doesn't know why (or says he doesn't know) and had an angry "f you" attitude towards this. I suspect it was to to with AH's disrespect and eventual outright dislike of BIL's wife, but who knows? We never will now.

Since then we have no real contact with BIL's widow or the kids, although DS and one of his cousins reconnected through FB a couple of years ago.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago my son received a FB message from his cousin letting him know that his half brother (BIL's step son) had passed away - apparently he had some form of cancer. Now while I'm not a fan of BIL's widow, haven't been for a long while, I still have sympathy for her situation - the boy in question couldn't have been more than about 26, 27 years old, and who wants to have that happen?

DS passed the information on to his father as you would. At dinner a couple of nights later, AH made the comment that there had been no death or funeral notice in the papers, then this. "If she wasn't such a bitch I would have done it for her."

That really knocked me for six. Up till then I had sort of passed over his callous attitude towards people, but that really opened my eyes. I don't want to forget that feeling, which is why I'm posting it here.

Somehow the death of this boy had everything to do with AH's dislike of his SIL. Where is the compassion for someone who has lost a child?

It reminded me of the falling out he had with a friend a few years back (hmmm... this might have been about the same time that his brother severed communications...) when he had dropped in (partially drunk) to see a guy who had just lost his BIL to suicide (hanging) - AH apparently made a comment about this guy couldn't "hang around". I found out about this six or more months later, and can't let on that I know because (as many of you know) we're not allowed to talk to other people about our problems at home so if he finds out I will be in trouble for opening my big mouth :-(

The outright disregard for others' feelings then got me at the time, but I'd kind of forgotten it until the other day.

I forget how this relates back to the OP, except that I get the self-centred mindset in play here. Perhaps I should read those NPD links for myself :-)
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Old 11-29-2012, 06:43 PM
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Leukemia is an awful disease. My cousin died at 37. Left two little girls. I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your young friend, Lizatola. Cancer is cruel and never more so than in the case of a child.

And I agree that the lack of empathy can be astounding. When the Twin Towers fell, my husband (sober at the time) said, "oh, j**** c*****, now this is all we're gonna hear about in the news." Seriously? THOUSANDS of people just got killed as the result of an apparent terrorist attack, we have no idea if even more locations are targeted, and you are worried about - what? missing the sportscast?!?!?!? But then this same man was sobbing at my cousin's funeral because he felt so awful for her children. I don't understand the inconsistency.
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Old 11-29-2012, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Sueski View Post
Leukemia is an awful disease. My cousin died at 37. Left two little girls. I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your young friend, Lizatola. Cancer is cruel and never more so than in the case of a child.

And I agree that the lack of empathy can be astounding. When the Twin Towers fell, my husband (sober at the time) said, "oh, j**** c*****, now this is all we're gonna hear about in the news." Seriously? THOUSANDS of people just got killed as the result of an apparent terrorist attack, we have no idea if even more locations are targeted, and you are worried about - what? missing the sportscast?!?!?!? But then this same man was sobbing at my cousin's funeral because he felt so awful for her children. I don't understand the inconsistency.
Hmm, I can relate to this. I was back east visiting my mom in VA, my son was 2. My AH was back on the west coast at home and while I was trying to discuss the Twin Towers issue, he was ranting and raving about how the cable company was screwing him and how the internet connection was awful. When I pointed out the fact that our country was in mourning, he had a similar attitude. He could only focus on his problem and had no interest in paying attention to the 911 tragedy. What I find funny is that he is addicted to watching Foxnews. And, he hyperfocuses on the economy and the government and taxes, etc. I've never seen my AH sob, I think his eyes welled with tears when our son was born but that's about the extent of the emotion when it comes to crying for him, LOL.
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