Another brilliant blog from Cynical One...
 

Are you a Hopium Addict?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...um-addict.html

Cynical One, you rock! Thanks for sharing this great stuff!

Wow that was like "reading" a mirror :(
thanks for the link, something I really have to absorb through some honest self reflection. I am learning so much on this site, I thank everyone for all their contributions. Living with an AA is hard, but I am learning to live one day at a time. Its nice not being alone so thank you SR and alanon

This sounds like narcissism. Google "Sam Vaknin and narcissism".

ShootingStar1

Yeah this is exactly what seemed to be happening to me in my last relationship... I saw my Dad do it to my Mom and I definitely did not like it when it would happen to me. I actually think he picked me (either consciously or un-consciously) because he felt superior towards me, he felt he had a better wardrobe, better friends and was smarter. When things would be going bad for him he would put me down. I don't know why I put up with it for as long as I did but I guess the cycle of abuse explains a lot. Plus I think I have low self-esteem which I am trying to work very hard on correcting.

I think I put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior because it happened so infrequently at first that I was able to write it off to other things (stress, full moon, etc...) and by the time it began in earnest, we were living together and I was "committed". And then it became, for me, an issue of honoring said commitment.

I readily admit I was a hopium addict for a while - addicted to the idea of what life could be like if only...spending lots of time fretting about why it wasn't. It took my therapist to one day, very bluntly say to me "Tuffgirl, you are a beautiful and intelligent woman; why would you allow anyone to treat you like this? Do you really think this is the best you can do?" I'll never forget that - it jarred me out of the hopium addiction and into action. I was actually embarrassed by that question - the way it was said - it was a real eye-opener. No, I am not a doormat and yes, I can do better than that.

Hope folks enjoy this blog as I did. Cynical One has some good stuff!

Yep - I have found so much information in Cynical One's blogs- maybe a link to the blog could be stickied, if that is appropriate? I find it hard to get into the blog- being somewhat muddled , I usually have to find a post and then click the blog thingy- stupid, I know but ?!

I'm glad that that once was me but no more. I no longer live in that state and I'm not saying that I never hope for anything because I do I only do it in the real world.

"(If you listen to them long enough they’ll tell you that key female figures in their life have wronged them. At bottom, they mistrust all women.)"

Wow. Sometimes these are SO on-target that it's as though someone was listening in on us back in the day...

I want to bump this one. I think this is something that everyone on this board should read!

I also want to add that despite the gendered language, it applies to wives too. I see a lot of universal complaints here: that while making a demand for commitment, the addict resents the demands that commitment puts on them; that the addict remains emotionally unavailable; that the CoD gets addicted to the drama, or that the CoD won't leave without validation from the addict, which will never, ever happen. Especially this one:

Now that I've been a part of this community for a couple of years, the patterns are crystal clear.

This is also a fine opportunity to say how grateful I am for all of you and for having the courage to share here. You all saved my life.

Also there is a great blog if you google Annie Kaszina -- Recovering From Emotional Abuse

Thanks Ziggy, I found this: Blog | for Annie Kaszina if this is the correct site you are referring to. Some good stuff there, too, at first glance.

The hopium addict is the woman who thinks that her partner loves her really, he just has difficulty showing it because he’s had a hard time. She believes that somehow it will all work out alright, they’ll find a way to live happily together ever after, the kids won’t be affected.
Wow... This is me. Hence the screen name "Forever Optimist". Despite everything that has happened, there is some part of me that believes AH will eventually get his act together and our lives won't have to be disrupted. I will say that I am not the princess type, but I put up with a lot of bad behavior because I knew I was the stronger one in the relationship and felt I was in a position to "help". That's when I started forgetting who I was and ran my life around him. Thankfully I am beginning to set better boundaries and look at things more realistically (with the help of all of you here at SR and my therapist). Thanks for sharing!!!

Yeah that's the one - the last time I tried to post a link on SR it got taken down...

I do remember having hope because I was caught up in that cycle where he gave me just enough loving to string me along. I recall my kids saying," when it is good it very good and when bad - very bad" - why can't he just moderate things a bit?

That statement often had me wondering - and then I would get caught into the other trap of "understanding" his awful childhood and telling myself that it would get better.

Then he would improve his thinking and behavior to a new level each time again just to string me along this route.

But as many of us learned - there is a difference between our having hope and loving someone and doing the same for ourselves. I really see the A and the non A as both having an addiction that requires recovery.