New here and need some advice

Old 11-28-2012, 10:31 AM
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New here and need some advice

Hello to everyone.

I'm in need of some advice or guidance.

I'm married to a functioning alcoholic. She admits from time to time that she has a problem which is great at the time. We have run the gamut of admission and promises to change to many times to count over the past four years. I am fully aware of my part in allowing this to continue but I'm at a loss as to how to respond anymore.

Last night she again admitted she has a problem and doesn't know what to do. This same time last year we went thru this and we both attended several AA meetings. You know the story, it lasted for about 5 days before she was drinking again.

Was I wrong for being openly skeptical last night? I told her I would fully support whatever she needs to do. She has looked into some treatment that involves monthly shots at about $800 a pop. She refuses to try AA again and feels she can't leave work for a 30 day rehab. I tried to stay positive as she told me all this and explained I would support what ever she needed to do. I guess my body language have away the fact that I have heard this 100 times before and she became upset ( yes she had been drinking prior to this).

Am I wrong for letting her know that I feel at this point she has to walk the walk? Is it wrong that I feel burned after every other time and its difficult to believe this time is any different than before?

How can I be supportive when my expectations are not positive?
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Old 11-28-2012, 10:37 AM
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You arent wrong at all. I've been reading about the schick shadel treatment program. Its only 10 days, and is in Seattle - and their success rates are surprisingly good. Good luck to you - wish things were different with our A's.
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Old 11-28-2012, 10:48 AM
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Am I wrong for letting her know that I feel at this point she has to walk the walk?
Absolutely not. If she admits to having a problem and wants help, she has to do it on her own. She has to attend AA meetings on her own. She needs to get herself into counseling on her own. I’m learning, as a man, that we are the worst thing for a female alcoholic. We are always there to catch them when they stumble when what they need to do is land on their butt. I hope you have started attending Al-anon, you’ll find lots of support and ideas there.
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Old 11-28-2012, 11:19 AM
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Dedhed:
Picture this:
You get on a cross country flight. The pilot comes over the loud speaker and says " Good morning ladies and gentleman, this is your pilot, we should have a clear flight, we will be cruising at an altitude of 33,000 ft and approx. 800 mi/per hr. Please keep your seat belts fastened until the seat belt light is off, and Oh, bye the way, I'm a functioning alcoholic".............Do you see the absurdity in that???..........Theirs no such things as a function alcoholic. Your either pregnant or your not. AA does not have the market cornered on getting sober. What the do have the market cornered on is STAYING sober. Their is a HUGE difference between those two things. Alcoholics have the most sophisticated rationalization / justification system of any group of people on earth. They will rationalize THE MOST ABSURD BEHAVIOR to keep drinking. Their is no job in this world that can't spare 30 days (they already know anyway) for her to get help. She doesn't WANT help. If she continues (and she will ) she will learn a very valuable lesson " You can't save your face & your ass at the same time"".........Good Luck
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Old 11-28-2012, 11:34 AM
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Dedhed6482, the best advice I can give you is trust her actions and not her words. If her actions are focused on recovery and stopping drinking then she wants to stop drinking. If not then she isn't.

No way to sugar coat that but that is the way it is.

Your friend,
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:04 PM
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You aren't wrong. I had to do the same for my husband. He'd gotten so used to talking his way out of everything, seeing the light in my eyes when I hung on his every word. It kills him now when he can't make everything better just by talking. But there's no sense in lying to him- he doesn't have a good track record. Time will tell.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:07 PM
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Sounds like excuses from her. She doesn't need 800 dollar shots & if she really wants recovery, then she will take the time off work.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:28 PM
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You sound like me, drained and tired of excuses and promises. A person has to "want to try, and give it all" or they won't do anything. I would think four years would answer your question, I have only gone through this two years and I am getting out while I can. However, we have no children together, not sure if that is your case. Don't live your life on promised lies. My mother was also an alcoholic, I wish I had a dollar for every promise that she promised my dad. You know how she quit..........she went off the side of a MOUNTAIN, in New Mexico. ICU for two months and the story goes on and on. I am sorry, but alcoholics are selfish, they think only of themselves and will do anything to keep someone hanging on. I know you have to do what is in your heart so all I can do is pray that God will show you the direction.
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Old 11-28-2012, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Dedhed6482 View Post
Hello to everyone.

I'm in need of some advice or guidance.

I'm married to a functioning alcoholic. She admits from time to time that she has a problem which is great at the time. We have run the gamut of admission and promises to change to many times to count over the past four years. I am fully aware of my part in allowing this to continue but I'm at a loss as to how to respond anymore.

Last night she again admitted she has a problem and doesn't know what to do. This same time last year we went thru this and we both attended several AA meetings. You know the story, it lasted for about 5 days before she was drinking again.

Was I wrong for being openly skeptical last night? I told her I would fully support whatever she needs to do. She has looked into some treatment that involves monthly shots at about $800 a pop. She refuses to try AA again and feels she can't leave work for a 30 day rehab. I tried to stay positive as she told me all this and explained I would support what ever she needed to do. I guess my body language have away the fact that I have heard this 100 times before and she became upset ( yes she had been drinking prior to this).

Am I wrong for letting her know that I feel at this point she has to walk the walk? Is it wrong that I feel burned after every other time and its difficult to believe this time is any different than before?

How can I be supportive when my expectations are not positive?
What helped me a great deal to clarify things like this was attending alanon. It helped me to see through the excuses & empty apologies. It helped my body language when hearing those things for the 100th time & I started to look at her actions through the promises & apologies. It helped clear away the fog I guess, made things a bit clearer & more sane.

Were you wrong expecting her to make good on it this time? Yes & no. Expectations of other people are how we think they should do things & a judgement (also future resentment). She has every right as a person to make decisions for herself. We have to respect those decisions whether they fail or succeed. We don't have to agree with those decisions, but let them make them for themselves. My STBXAW used to set me up for these so when she wouldn't follow through she had even more reasons to drink because I would get upset over the broken promises & the expectations I had for them. But no, your not wrong to feel that way, we are entitled to feel these things as a person. I mean come on, how many times can you hear the same line of crap? Her expectation is that you should buy into it. Maybe she's shopping for resentments? That's how it was with my AW.

Hear her words but watch her actions. Let her handle her recovery on her own, you can't help. The only way YOU can "help" is to focus on yourself & watch your actions.
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