prodigal

Trying to keep up with my husband's drinking so we could have a "fun" time together trashed my stomach. I also got tired of all the contrived DRAMA that often occurred when we were really pouring down the drinks - dancing around the dining room naked at 3 a.m., irrational arguments, wild sex (which wasn't all that wild for me since I was pretty trashed and can't remember much...). I wanted to lose at least 10 pounds and feel better so I cut back on my drinking to the point that I rarely drink and only do so when I feel like it. No, I don't feel the need to control my drinking - in fact, I can take it or leave it, and I'm VERY glad that I leave it!

PROBLEM: Now I can clearly observe my husband's drinking and the result it has had on me is that I don't want him around me. Of course, I've been told he won't tolerate the silent treatment from me: "I will NOT live like that way again because my ex-wife pulled that silent treatment on me for two years." Fine. I agreed not to use the silent treatment if he promised not to get drunk. Exactly one week after he promised not to get drunk, he was on an all-day bender. God, his drinking and what he becomes grosses me out.

I feel emotionally drained in this marriage and what do I do when he openly admits something is wrong with HIM but does nothing about it. What do I do when I tell him point-blank that his excessive drinking bothers me and after a few days he's back in the kitchen doing shots of scotch and gulping glasses of wine until he goes to bed.

P.S. - We don't sleep in the same bed - he REEKS of stale alcohol - so I sleep on the basement couch or in the guest bedroom.

P.S. #2 - The biggest hurt I've had to tolerate was when he "lost" his wedding band a few weeks ago. He wasn't drunk (yeah, right), but he can't remember what he did with the ring. In fact, when I pressed him as to why he took it off he turned the tables and said to me, "How do I know you didn't find the ring in the kitchen drawer where I remember putting it and you were so angry you threw the ring out." Yeah boy, there's a rational speculation. I spent three months looking for a unique band, had it engraved, and I've NEVER (even when I've been REALLY mad) touched any of his possessions, thrown things or trashed any items either of us own. SOBER HUSBAND: Sanctimonious, self-rightious twit who couldn't possibly be a drunk since he's an engineer and army officer. DRUNK HUSBAND: Party animal, non-stop talker, and general bore who often stimulates himself by creating drama situations.

HELP!!!! :titanic

JT

prodigal,

I have been in your shoes. I drank with my first husband and it did make him more tolerable to be around. I drank with Ward too and now I rarely drink but when I do he doesn't seem quite so stupid. That is not a reason for me to drink and you have figured that out too.

My Ward won't admit to having a problem either but I must say I don't really push him on it. I pretty much know what his response would be. I have been in Al Anon for some time, mostly due to our son, and he would just say I was brain washed or some such.

I don't have any answers for you except to tell you to focus on yourself and fill your time with the things you love. That is what I do. It beats the heck out of obsessing about a person you who is unwilling to change.

Hugs,
JT

Magichappens

Hey prodigal,
Welcome.I completely understand your dilema. While my husband and I were partying together, we both knew something was wrong, but neither of us could see. I started going to alanon after he OD'd on pain meds. He went back to AA. The amazing thing to me was that he still to this day doesn't think that OD was a big deal. That was what made me realize I needed help. He almost died, and I wanted to die. I don't want to ever feel that way again. He still does self destructive things and doesn't take care of his health the way I think he should, but today I realize that his health, his recovery (or lack of), his choices are his. He is a grown man, not a child. No matter what is going on in my life, I resent anyone who treats me like a child. I give him that right today. Alanon has helped me to take the focus off him and learn to make my life, my thinking, and my emotional health better, serene, even happy. It hasn't happened over night, but over time I have become a person who is sane, serene. Others actions and decision don't make me crazy anymore.
This board, along with alanon meetings and much reading has helped me. Check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. They have a lot of good info. Make yourself at home. Realize that you are not alone. There are many caring people here that are learning to deal with the same kind of situations you are in. Come back and vent, share, and learn with us. Hugs, Magic

Dust Bunny

((((((((prodigal))))))))

Yes, I have been there too. No the silent treatment doesn't work.

As an Al Anon member, I often turn to a subject search in either One Day at a Time in Al Anon or Courage to change when I am seeking guidance. Both titles are available in the Codie Store.

In reguard to your post, I searched the subject "Unacceptable behavior" in Courage to change . I felt the following pages were most likely to offer you some insight. Please note that I am referencing Courage to change while the first part of each post is from One Day at a Time in Al Anon.

Hope this gives you some help and/or comfort.
*hugs*

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...F23#post145616

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...F10#post174116

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...F26#post183738

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...F29#post185861

IAM

Prodigal,
I also tried to keep up with my wives drinking, just couldn't be done. I still drink a little, but just can't relax with it like I used to. Got to keep alert for the kids. A lot sounds sooo familiar. What to do when they admit their problem and do nothing about it? Only they can do something about it. What to do when he's doing the scotch and wine thing? If they're going to drink, we can't stop them. Just keep reading all the posts here, they're very helpful. Sometimes it's hard to do, but do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. It's all about you for now!!!

Jeff_C

My wife and I used to drink together. At least she tried to keep up, but not being one of “us’ she soon dropped by the wayside, and in the end, became the catalyst for propelling me into a recovery I may not have found otherwise. Certainly, a goodly part of that “early� recovery revolved around the resentments, lack of trust, and simply revulsion that my ingestion of alcohol stimulated in her, although I was hard pressed to understand any of that,----------------then.

The years have burnished us a bit with recovery’s sheen, and in a few days less than two weeks we will both celebrate an even dozen years of having not taken a drink. More importantly perhaps, it’s all that “other stuff� that can be coupled with that abstinence, that actually shifted the “nature� of the relationship, and “rocketed us into that fourth dimension, and the creation of a relationship that knows few bounds.

It took me some time , years I suppose to begin to understand just what she and the children went through in my alcoholic haze, and again was the impetus for my gravitation over to Alanon, as well as AA. In short, it’s here that I study at the alter of MY responses in relation to other folks with the dis-ease, of either booze or behavior,---------------and that simply ‘cause “it works if ya work it.� Hang in, cause it’s worth it, and so are you.
Jeff

lil'bit

I'm in the same boat! When my H and I met, we partied together a lot, but it didn't seem too problematic. Over the past year, the extent of the problems his drinking cause have become undeniably apparent to me. Recently I decided I was going to drink a lot less -- not so much to influence him, but for my own health and wellbeing. Well -- now that I rarely drink, I find his drinking that much more annoying and hard to tolerate! Honestly, it stinks -- but I feel so much better not drinking myself, and it is clear to me how much the alcohol helped me to shut out my emotions re: our marriage as it relates to his alcohol consumption. So, all I'm saying is I hear you and I understand.