Abusive AH is about to quit his job in retaliation
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Abusive AH is about to quit his job in retaliation
I was feeling unusually low this afternoon and took a nap before dinner time because something was making me feel, well, heavy. I was asking myself what was up, because it was a strange feeling that I couldn't explain.
And then what? Come to find out that my AH is about to drop his new job that he was supposed to start in January. The high paying one that was supposed to help us out of the hole his hiding the money has put us in (he seems to have hidden it somewhere, he isn't saying why it's all gone and I'm too freaked by him to ask him straight out any more).
He wants to keep his regular position after all. The one that he thinks will force me to return to the place he wants to continue to live. And he is doing all of this without consulting me. He thinks I don't know.
But knowledge is power, right? So now that I know, what do I do? He's going to tell his boss his decision this Friday!
This is financial abuse. He wants to force me and the children to have to move back to him. He's taken all the money away. I can't even pay for the children's lessons any more. And we have always been very comfortable. Until the time I took up Al Anon and started to detach.
Can anyone help me with this?!?!?!
And then what? Come to find out that my AH is about to drop his new job that he was supposed to start in January. The high paying one that was supposed to help us out of the hole his hiding the money has put us in (he seems to have hidden it somewhere, he isn't saying why it's all gone and I'm too freaked by him to ask him straight out any more).
He wants to keep his regular position after all. The one that he thinks will force me to return to the place he wants to continue to live. And he is doing all of this without consulting me. He thinks I don't know.
But knowledge is power, right? So now that I know, what do I do? He's going to tell his boss his decision this Friday!
This is financial abuse. He wants to force me and the children to have to move back to him. He's taken all the money away. I can't even pay for the children's lessons any more. And we have always been very comfortable. Until the time I took up Al Anon and started to detach.
Can anyone help me with this?!?!?!
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No, I'm not. And my attorney has not been mr. in a hurry to get things figured out. I am trying to find another one, but the lawyer I spoke to yesterday was horrible. So I'm trying to find someone more aggressive and in the meantime I haven't anything legal in place.
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Join Date: May 2012
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You can help you with this. Your own job, your own income. It's never easy with kids. But relying on him to give you even child support may be asking the world of him.
You don't want to become his prisoner...do what you have to do...get financial aid, call up mom, cash in jewerly, work part-time at home, work full-time out in the world, move home to mom, call up sis, whatever it takes.
Life will be very very different, and much harder. This is where you get creative. in ways to earn money, ways to save money, ways to see money you never thought was there. This is when you put on your big girl pants and make it happen, for you, for your kids, for your sanity.
Not PANIC. Creativity. Thoughtful planning. Not emotional meltdown. Strategy. Not tears, but ACTION.
You can do this.
You don't want to become his prisoner...do what you have to do...get financial aid, call up mom, cash in jewerly, work part-time at home, work full-time out in the world, move home to mom, call up sis, whatever it takes.
Life will be very very different, and much harder. This is where you get creative. in ways to earn money, ways to save money, ways to see money you never thought was there. This is when you put on your big girl pants and make it happen, for you, for your kids, for your sanity.
Not PANIC. Creativity. Thoughtful planning. Not emotional meltdown. Strategy. Not tears, but ACTION.
You can do this.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Hi Pippi,
I can try to help you with this, as I love to do research, but will need some info, like what country you are in, how old are you, did you work before, how old are the children, how long were you married?
You can also contact Domestic Abuse, and they may also be able to help you with getting these answers, especially about child support.
I can try to help you with this, as I love to do research, but will need some info, like what country you are in, how old are you, did you work before, how old are the children, how long were you married?
You can also contact Domestic Abuse, and they may also be able to help you with getting these answers, especially about child support.
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Update: I should go back and change the title of this thread.
It isn't retaliation, really. I broke no contact in order to try to manoeuver him into sticking with the new job plan. I wrote about showing others that he could be financially responsible.
He replied with some semi-hogwash about his plan B. The problem is, he has an overinflated sense of what he can earn/accomplish.
Really, what is going on is that he is having fun back in our big house, doing his sports things with the new gals he hangs with, plus old friends, plus his easy peasy job where they let him come and go as he pleases, plus his surveillance-free lifestyle where he can booze away where there ain't no wife to bug him anymore.
So he appears to be abandoning ship on his four children and his plan to reunite with us. He's decided that what he really wants is to be able to come and go as he likes. Stay with us when it suits him while maintaining his girlfriend and our house on the other side of the pond.
That's great in some ways because who needs an active alcoholic in the family home? But he'll have to think again if he thinks he's coming over here to stay with us!
But I don't think it is fair to say give up on any effort to secure a fair income for me and the children. We need that income to stay where we live and to allow the children to continue their lives and schooling here. I don't think we need to be victims any more than absolutely necessary.
Like any (sober) parent, I will fight for my children to give them the absolute best in life that I can offer them. That means living in a loving, honest, happy and sober household AND maintaining a pleasant home, our friends, their quality education...
I disagree that life is going to get much harder. If that's what I thought, then I'd have a pretty hard time waking up in the morning and being a good parent. No, I'm going for it. I'm going to get us a gorgeous, peaceful, financially secure, honest, happy life!
It isn't retaliation, really. I broke no contact in order to try to manoeuver him into sticking with the new job plan. I wrote about showing others that he could be financially responsible.
He replied with some semi-hogwash about his plan B. The problem is, he has an overinflated sense of what he can earn/accomplish.
Really, what is going on is that he is having fun back in our big house, doing his sports things with the new gals he hangs with, plus old friends, plus his easy peasy job where they let him come and go as he pleases, plus his surveillance-free lifestyle where he can booze away where there ain't no wife to bug him anymore.
So he appears to be abandoning ship on his four children and his plan to reunite with us. He's decided that what he really wants is to be able to come and go as he likes. Stay with us when it suits him while maintaining his girlfriend and our house on the other side of the pond.
That's great in some ways because who needs an active alcoholic in the family home? But he'll have to think again if he thinks he's coming over here to stay with us!
But I don't think it is fair to say give up on any effort to secure a fair income for me and the children. We need that income to stay where we live and to allow the children to continue their lives and schooling here. I don't think we need to be victims any more than absolutely necessary.
Like any (sober) parent, I will fight for my children to give them the absolute best in life that I can offer them. That means living in a loving, honest, happy and sober household AND maintaining a pleasant home, our friends, their quality education...
I disagree that life is going to get much harder. If that's what I thought, then I'd have a pretty hard time waking up in the morning and being a good parent. No, I'm going for it. I'm going to get us a gorgeous, peaceful, financially secure, honest, happy life!
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I hear that you are taking charge over your life to the best of your ability.
What struck me about your thread was the fact that in my experience, my XAH was not dependable in word or behavior. He often made threats just to manipulate me and when I figured this out - I started making decisions based on what I could control and not in response to his rambling.
I didn't like the choices most of the time - but it felt much better to trust myself to take care of me than to trust him. If there is a way to get all that you want go for it - just keep a plan B.
What struck me about your thread was the fact that in my experience, my XAH was not dependable in word or behavior. He often made threats just to manipulate me and when I figured this out - I started making decisions based on what I could control and not in response to his rambling.
I didn't like the choices most of the time - but it felt much better to trust myself to take care of me than to trust him. If there is a way to get all that you want go for it - just keep a plan B.
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Well, it's obvious you can't trust him. If it were me I'd bite the bullet and do everything in my power to sever all ties with this person. Trying to keep you from going to Alanon by not improving his life? If the kids can't have lessons it's temporary, it's much more important to be around people who enrich your lives instead of someone who intentionally tries to destroy it.
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I have to say being in a similar situation that eventually the peace and need for calm and order for yourself and your children will overrule any large house a nice schools because after being in my situation for over 20 years I would rather be totally happy and at peace within. THis is very difficult when with an aa.
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Originally Posted by Kassie2 
What struck me about your thread was the fact that in my experience, my XAH was not dependable in word or behavior. He often made threats just to manipulate me and when I figured this out - I started making decisions based on what I could control and not in response to his rambling.
My XAH recently promised to pay child support starting about 10 days ago. I also asked him to clarify a plan of how he was going to pay the child support he owes. He ignored the plan bit. He also ignored the promise to pay child support 10 days ago bit. I told him that if he failed to pay I would report him to the state agency and they would collect 3 times as much child support as he and I had agreed to.
He threatened to "go for custody" if I reported him (I have that in writing
). It's a pity for him there ain't no such thing as "custody" where we live. Pity for him the kids are old enough to state where they want to live - they don't want to live in a one bedroom hovel, sleeping on blow up mattresses on the floor watching their father drink himself to death and "sneaking" marijuana in the bathroom.I reported him. That I could control. I felt a bit mean knowing that he is going to have no money, but tough. He ought to feel like the total pr*ick he is for failing to contribute toward his children financially for the last 3 months.
The number of times I have heard this man promise faithfully or tell me all the things he is "gonna do". His actions never match his words. So I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do and I'll actually DO IT rather than listen to QUACKING.
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The saga continues. Should I be surprised? Contact = drama.
AH and I had lots of email exchanges over the weekend because I am collecting all the financial records and information from him, plus
copies of old resumes, etc. I would have to go across the ocean myself, leaving the kids with some unknown nanny, otherwise.
He got angry about my wanting all of this paperwork. He feels like I'm about to jump ship, I suppose.
Then this afternoon I was weak. I read his email on my way to the supermarket, and in between discussions of mail delivery and computer purchases, he writes that his family and friends of ours have urged him to seek legal advice "in regards to custody, finances, etc.".
This hit me hard. Knocked the wind right out of me. 17 years of marriage and he treats going to a divorce lawyer (though he didn't say divorce....) like a line item in a business letter.
I was a wreck and having a very hard time keeping it together and well, I didn't keep it together. I sometimes feel like he wants to keep hurting me until I break completely, only trouble is that I can't ever hardly even cry. But I do get angry and I don't want to be angry. i would so much rather be sad and cry than get mad and yell. What's the trick to that, anyhow?
Anyway, realized only hours later that he didn't say that he was going to a lawyer, only that some advised him to go see one. And just because he said family and friends are recommending this doesn't mean that it is true. He's threatening and manipulating, right? Just as predicted.
When I finally had my head part way cleared up, I read his newest email saying cheerfully how he mailed me my paperwork and hoped I would get it okay.
Well, I needed the papers so it is good that they are theoretically at least, in the mail. Quite a price to pay, though. And my children pay it too because I am not a lighthearted joyous singer of lullabies when in contact with my crazy AH.
AH and I had lots of email exchanges over the weekend because I am collecting all the financial records and information from him, plus
copies of old resumes, etc. I would have to go across the ocean myself, leaving the kids with some unknown nanny, otherwise.
He got angry about my wanting all of this paperwork. He feels like I'm about to jump ship, I suppose.
Then this afternoon I was weak. I read his email on my way to the supermarket, and in between discussions of mail delivery and computer purchases, he writes that his family and friends of ours have urged him to seek legal advice "in regards to custody, finances, etc.".
This hit me hard. Knocked the wind right out of me. 17 years of marriage and he treats going to a divorce lawyer (though he didn't say divorce....) like a line item in a business letter.
I was a wreck and having a very hard time keeping it together and well, I didn't keep it together. I sometimes feel like he wants to keep hurting me until I break completely, only trouble is that I can't ever hardly even cry. But I do get angry and I don't want to be angry. i would so much rather be sad and cry than get mad and yell. What's the trick to that, anyhow?
Anyway, realized only hours later that he didn't say that he was going to a lawyer, only that some advised him to go see one. And just because he said family and friends are recommending this doesn't mean that it is true. He's threatening and manipulating, right? Just as predicted.
When I finally had my head part way cleared up, I read his newest email saying cheerfully how he mailed me my paperwork and hoped I would get it okay.
Well, I needed the papers so it is good that they are theoretically at least, in the mail. Quite a price to pay, though. And my children pay it too because I am not a lighthearted joyous singer of lullabies when in contact with my crazy AH.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Can you get a lawyer in the United States, if that is where he is? Is your long term plan to live across the ocean in whatever country that you're in now, or will you be returning to the United States? At least a US lawyer could perhaps get a court order requiring him to preserve the finances.
Anyway, I hear your frustration with your lawyer, and hope that you can find a good one soon.
As to his one liner about a divorce, for myself, I'd consider that fair warning. It is almost as if he wanted to slip it in without much notice, like item # 17 on a long grocery list. Forewarned is forearmed, and I'd say better to get ready as you've been doing that have anything be a surprise.
Good luck!
ShootingStar1
Anyway, I hear your frustration with your lawyer, and hope that you can find a good one soon.
As to his one liner about a divorce, for myself, I'd consider that fair warning. It is almost as if he wanted to slip it in without much notice, like item # 17 on a long grocery list. Forewarned is forearmed, and I'd say better to get ready as you've been doing that have anything be a surprise.
Good luck!
ShootingStar1
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