ZiggyB

I just went to the CoDa website and boy did I see myself there...

New Patterns of Codependency

All I have done for the last 5 years is get into relationships with hopeless people with addictions, then I fall in love with them, try to control them, and cannot seem to leave them no matter what happens. Finally I get angry and intolerant, lash out in pain, become totally intolerant and when I break things off, spend the next 6 months obsessing over what that person is doing and how I could have done things differently. Being addicted to a person is very painful.

I made myself miserable over Thanksgiving dwelling in the past, feeling miserable and lonely and getting down on myself. I hope to stop this madness soon.

Suggestions? Unfortunately they have only one meeting I cannot possibly get to but I think I need to pay a visit to Al-anon very soon.

Thanks for listening!

Tuffgirl

Well, the three A's come into mind here - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Sounds like you have done the first two, so time for action!

Can you do private counseling? I found the combination of Al-Anon, a personal therapist, and SR to be a wonderful chance to work on some of my own issues.

ZiggyB

Thanks Tuffgirl.
I have been seeing a therapist which is helpful, but I missed a week due to the holidays so that didn't help. Yeah, I've been resisting for a while but I guess I need some additional support so will need to check out Al-anon. How did you work on your issues?

grammyb

I'm going to my first Alanon meeting on Thursday. I'm nervous and apprehensive but I know it's part of the package to peel off the layers of pain and move forward. I've started private counseling. Ziggy,action is hard but sooooo necessary. I know you can take this next step with me.

Redheadsusie

Wow- ladies- I have serious work to do - thank you for the link- I am so sick with codependency~ Do you ever look back at your posts and think what is wrong with me to stay on this roller coaster. I got off 5 times and each time I get back on - I suck!~

TakingCharge999

Hi I am Tc999 and am a codependent

At least now I notice when I am thinking, doing or feeling something codie.

At least now it feels uncomfortable.

Thanks for the info!!

LifeRecovery

I have found similar to Tuffgirl that the combination of all three to be helpful.

Al-Anon often helps with insight and shines a light on my behavior. At times that is really confusing to me though.

Often then I bring it to my counselor, examine it in depth, work though a lot of my confusion.

Sometimes it works the opposite way, and actually I will have something come up in therapy that my therapist will say bring it up as a topic at Al-Anon. Those are usually GREAT meetings.

For me they have complemented each other and added another dimension that I did not get with any alone.

I don't know if it applies, but my therapist is very versed in Al-Anon (and co-dependency in general).

TakingCharge999

Thanks for encouraging me to look for CODA meetings in my new home town.

ZiggyB

yeah I obviously need to go, unfortunately I am insanely busy for the rest of the week but I will try to go on the weekend. I hope your al-anon meeting goes well!

Tuffgirl

I worked the Al-Anon steps. I also journal and read a lot. Finding acceptance in certain things about myself. Testing new perspectives and skills in situations that I would normally fall back into habitual behaviors (like when someone at work pi$$es me off!!) Learning to detach and let things go. Refusing to buy into guilt.

With intimate relationships - I have yet to practice anything other than having faith that things will happen if they are meant to be. Not worrying or taking personally others' behavior. I got asked out on a date a month ago, accepted the invitation, and then never heard from that guy again. Am I worrying about it? Nope. Did I contact him again? Nope. It is me? Nope. If its meant to be, it will be. If it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to work out.

My general attitude on things has changed significantly. I still have moments, but they are few and far between now.

Rosiepetal

Hi Ziggy
What I found helpful with holidays coming up here was to plan a social gathering of friends for after the New Year so then at least I have a goal & something enjoyable to look forward to for myself. I also feel this may boost self confidence & I may even get to meet some new people.
Sorry you're struggling.
Hang in there honey.
Big hugs.

WishingWell

It's so healthy to see our own active part in participation of addiction. We can think we are superior because we are not THE addict. We are better.

But the truth is - codependency is also a mental dysfunction that destroys lives, is impossible to live with and causes misery. Though not as physically destructive, it sure is emotionally destructive.

Let's all get healthy! That's a great goal!

WishingWell

Has anyone found any great books on co-dependency besides M. Beatties?

Want to do more work on myself!

Rosiepetal

I have this one on order, not a codie book but think it may be helpful.


The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
By Susan Anderson

Tuffgirl

Women Who Love Too Much was a good one. I saw a lot of myself on those pages!

Sueski

I second the recommendation of Women Who Love Too Much. I'm currently reading Living With a Functioning Alcoholic byt Dr. Neill Neill. I finished another one that I loaned to a friend, If You Loved Me, You'd Stop by Lisa Frederickson. Both are pretty good, and not long or difficult to read. If you're open to Buddhist philosophy, check out anything by Pema Chodron. She is not writing about codependency specifically, but so much of her writing is helpful.

I'm a very big fan of yoga and of deep breathing. Borrow a dog from somebody and take a walk - that's good medicine! You could also try giving yourself a defined period of time to wallow in your misery, then you have to stop...I'm not real good at that one bu it works for some people!!

You did the best you knew at the time, Ziggy. We're all works in progress....

ZiggyB

Thank you, S...
I was doing a lot better but then axbf's birthday happened, plus the holidays are difficult. I think I'll feel a lot better when the New Year starts. I'm already sick of wallowing.

ps. Pema Chodron is great!

WishingWell

I've read so many incredible books, including by Pema. The last book that I read was groundbreaking. A literally, stunning book. Never read anything like it. But I read as my beloved dog was dying a few months ago - I need to sit back down in peace and reread it!

The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself
Michael A. Singer, Peter Berkrot

Right after I read it, Oprah found him and interviewed him. You can see the segment here, it's a WOW > Finding Inner Peace and Happiness with Michael Singer - @OWNTV