Any Advice Please
 

I have been with my EAH now for almost two years. We divorced and he conviencec me he would do what ever it took if I moved back in. I moved back in and it is worse now than ever. I went home Wed. and he was drunk, he was drunk all day Thanksgiving. I got up Friday morning and went to my sons to get a call that afternoon my EAH, slit his wrist. Now he is in a rehab place but will only keep him another day or so. I am almost 63, I am tired of this, am I being cruel by leaving him at this time? I have given him every chance I know how, even as far as my kids turning their back because he would not get help. I really think he is worse than I ever thought he was, but he won't get help, says he "he can't stop drinkin." I am at my wits end.

Leave him, save yourself, get some peace. There is nothing you can do for him - then, now, or in the future. He has no respect for himself or you.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but glad you are here - this place will bring you much support and comfort. And hard truth sometimes.

Run

Sorry you're going through that. He's the only one who can help himself. The alcohol is such a depressant, I've also slit my wrists while under its influence. I was longing for someone to save me, but in the end, the only person who can save me is myself. I would never want to put that responsibility on another person. It's excruciating I'm sure, but I think you really need to leave him. In my case, my biggest epiphanies came when I was feeling the most abandoned and lonely. Hopefully he'll reach a level where he realizes he CAN stop drinking. Good luck. xx

Hi.
Wow that sucks, I am so sorry.... if he won't get help I would have no issues with leaving him, he is going to make your life a total nightmare, you don't need to put up with this. :(

I don't even know how to begin to thank each of you for your comments. I almost feel like I am running out when he needs me, but I do realize he doesn't plan to help himself and I know that. I haven't been visiting this sight long, but I want EVERYONE to know what a blessing it is to me and to be able to share and pray for others. God Bless all of you.

Unfortunately addiction isn't like any other affliction. What helps the addict most is getting out of their way and letting them suffer the consequences of their addiction, including how their antisocial behavior ruins their relationships with the people who love them.

Thanks to SR, I've learned that I can love people from a distance, while never expecting them to be anything but what they are, and without needing their validation.

Please keep reading. And thank you for posting. :tyou

He doesn't "need" you. He needs to go find himself.

You have every right to walk away from a grown man who has capacity to choose to take care of himself or not. And you have the right to your own meaningful life. You deserve it!

Take good care,
~T

This is such a tough one... I am trying to not feel bitter and angry anymore either at the ex or at his friends who got him drunk all the time knowing he was out of work and having a difficult time emotionally. At times I felt like I was abandoning him but he was always mad at me. :(

I think sometimes we have to get angry and bitter to a point to help OURSELVES. Even at this point after all the comments that has been left for me, knowing they are right, I almost feel guilty. However, I get to thinking of all the things he has done to me the past two years from stealing my car, selling what good jewlery I had, stealing money from my purse, stealing my debt card when we was just getting buy so he could buy beer, WHY SHOULD I CARE NOW? I have such a caring heart, and I want him to get better, but I am mentally and emotionally drained. I have three wonderful children and nine grandchildren that need me and I have neglected the last two years babysitting him.
I think you have every right to be angry, is he worrying about you being angry or just drinks another drink?

Are you being cruel? NO WAY.
Being 63 is even more reason for you to leave, find happiness within & live a normal life.
So sorry you're going through this.
Hugs.

When things were at their worst, I was up in his business trying to run his life, arguing with him when he wouldn't just follow my instructions already, and exploding in fantastic displays of emotions. I have to admit, some of my meddling and pleading was really insane. But my way didn't work. It just didn't work. Once I was able to see that all the begging, yelling, and stony silences in the world weren't going to help him or change him or convince him to look inward. Once I accepted that, it became really easy to detach. And then once I had the emotional distance, everything else snapped into clarity.

Now that I've been in the recovery community for awhile I just reread "Co Dependent No More" my Melody Beattie. When I first read it, I thought I had no resemblance to what she was describing, but I empathized. After all, I knew more about his addiction that he did, and if only he listened to me it would all work out. Now when I read it, I see myself and my behavior differently. I see all the resentment and passive aggression, I see all the management I tried to do, even as I was trying not to do it, and I see all the anxiety and fear revolving around him instead of focusing on how I was going to help myself and care for myself and focusing that time and energy on my children. Great book, and I highly recommend it.

The other thing that changed my life? Therapy. The phrase, "Wherever you go, there you are," is what I think of when I think of all the life makeovers I tried to do to myself. No matter how much I changed the window dressing, I was still looking out onto the same emotional scenery. I was sick of living this way, sick of treading water, and was ready for something to change. I started cleaning the emotional debris in therapy and collecting the dots without judgment -- how did I get here? is this my life? why? -- and this lifted a lot of the shame and feelings of responsibility I felt around abuse from my childhood, which makes me feel a lot different about myself than I did prior. It might be worth it if you're running out of options and ideas.

I feel good today. I'm grateful for my SR people.

Very true, he never cared about my feelings and just did whatever he wanted to regardless. He knew I loved him and therefore he thought he could get away with anything. Honestly I wouldn't have cared so much about his drinking if he wasn't constantly rude, irritable and picking fights with me over nothing, as well as being an unreliable jacka*s.

I also have a caring heart, but even when you want them to get better they won't listen to you and proceed down the path of madness. I believe we have to get out of their way and start taking care of ourselves.

Welcome to the SR family Punkin!

I'm so sorry for the reason you are here, but glad you found us. This is a wonderful resource of support and info.

At the top of this main forum page are 14 links with a padlock on the left column. They are referred to as the "sticky posts". They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

Your story is familiar and brought to mind a sticky post. This post contains information about how we keep getting hooked back into boundary-less relationship AND the link contains steps to help us learn how to break those patterns.

I hope you find some help from this info:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Hello there and again welcome here....feel free to click on any of our names to read
our histories ok....hunny..he is only doing what addicts do....taking or attempting to
take their own lives is the most selfish thing that they could do to their loved ones...so
you see?? It's still all about him...your ship is burning and sinking fast ....pull out the life
vest and jump....your children and grandkids need one of you and you are it !! I lived your life for 22 years and my EAH finally left us for - does it really matter?? lol No it doesn't but it was the best thing he could have done for me and the kids because I would have never divorced him... you have your chance hunny take it..

Janitw

I read this somewhere and I think it's good advice: Never care more about someone else's problems than they do.

I often wonder why it's so hard for us to relearn to put our needs (not even our wants!) first. Please take good care of yourself.

Thankful
 

I am so very thankful I found this community. I don't have a computer at home so I log on first thing when I get to work to help me make it through the day. It gives me strength and courage that I have never found before. You would think being raised by an alocholic mother I would understand more, but when it is your husband or ex husband, it is a different story. I have taken so many peoples advice, I am praying the apartment I have applied for works out, I am so ready to get on with my life. The past few days he has been gone (since slicing his wrist) has been so peaceful. I don't mean that to sound cruel, but knowing I have peace when I go home is so nice. The only thing I feel guilt about now is when I leave. EVERYTHING in the house belongs to me. I bought it all and paid for it before we got together two years ago. When I leave he won't even have a bed to sleep on, now why do I worry about that? He has never worried about me. Is this a normal feeling? Thank you all so much and even though I have not met anyone, I love you dearly.

This site is a wonderful source of information, support, and peace for me as well. You need not feel guilty about enjoying peace at your home, you deserve that! Every day I work towards peace that one day my son and I will have.

In regards to how he will sleep and on what - he's an adult, he will find a way to take care of himeslef - if and only if that's what he wants. He has choices, just like you do.

Much Peace, and many Blessings,
C-OH Dad

I am glad you are finding some peaceful nights when you go home.

I left my AH with an airmattress, and big screen tv, his armoire of clothes and our bathroom linens.

I had to remember that it was his choices that brought about these consequences. He chose to put alcohol before everything else.

His choices = His consequences

Please give him the dignity of feeling the full effect of HIS addiction.