First post - At my wit's end!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 3
First post - At my wit's end!
This is my first post so I guess I'll give a little back story. My BF and I have been together for nearly four years. When we first met, I didn't realize the extent of his drinking as I only saw him on weekends and all we did was party, so I was drinking as well and thought nothing of it. 6 months down the road we moved in together and I realized he had an issue, however at that time it wasn't quite as bad, and I was young and didn't really care.
A year ago, my BFs boss died. He saw his boss as a father figure, as his dad died young of a heart attack (he was also an alcoholic). He was crushed by this and his drinking escalated. He had always drank every day but he started getting so drunk he would talk gibberish and fall asleep sitting up, foolishness like that. Now we have a child together, he's 6 months old, and I'm fed up. He says that because he works so much and pays our bills that he deserves to drink when he wants... but I know I don't deserve to take care of our child alone, 24/7, while he sits on the couch drinking and doesn't offer to help.
He can't do anything for himself, I have to cash his paycheck and pay all the bills and run all the errands because he won't go anywhere unless he can drink there. We haven't been out to dinner in over a year. He often tells me he's going to die young like his dad, that I'm going to nag him to death like his mother did to his father (in his mind anyway).
I'm lonely and sad and I don't know what to do. I know I need to leave him but I just don't know where I will go, or how I will support myself with the mountain of debt he has created for me. Any advice would be very appreciated!
A year ago, my BFs boss died. He saw his boss as a father figure, as his dad died young of a heart attack (he was also an alcoholic). He was crushed by this and his drinking escalated. He had always drank every day but he started getting so drunk he would talk gibberish and fall asleep sitting up, foolishness like that. Now we have a child together, he's 6 months old, and I'm fed up. He says that because he works so much and pays our bills that he deserves to drink when he wants... but I know I don't deserve to take care of our child alone, 24/7, while he sits on the couch drinking and doesn't offer to help.
He can't do anything for himself, I have to cash his paycheck and pay all the bills and run all the errands because he won't go anywhere unless he can drink there. We haven't been out to dinner in over a year. He often tells me he's going to die young like his dad, that I'm going to nag him to death like his mother did to his father (in his mind anyway).
I'm lonely and sad and I don't know what to do. I know I need to leave him but I just don't know where I will go, or how I will support myself with the mountain of debt he has created for me. Any advice would be very appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
So sorry you're going through this.
It doesn't sound like he wants to change so you need to prepare yourself to move on.
Also you don't want your child growing up around an alcoholic.
Look into every option & then make a plan.
Hugs to you.
It doesn't sound like he wants to change so you need to prepare yourself to move on.
Also you don't want your child growing up around an alcoholic.
Look into every option & then make a plan.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Tonka - so sorry that your story brought you here, but you will get support and hope here more people will be on.
I cannot give you any advice except that Al Anon would be a great start. Al Anon groups give support to people that have been affected by living with alcoholism, each member has had similar experiences as you. I wish that I had found a Al Anon years ago, I would have learnt the tools to deal with my life and my alcoholic husband. Your story sounds so like mine -except that we have been married 24 years with 3 children. Every day I wish that I had had the courage and support go leave him years ago.
Be gentle with yourself, keeping coming back here and please try Al Anon!
I cannot give you any advice except that Al Anon would be a great start. Al Anon groups give support to people that have been affected by living with alcoholism, each member has had similar experiences as you. I wish that I had found a Al Anon years ago, I would have learnt the tools to deal with my life and my alcoholic husband. Your story sounds so like mine -except that we have been married 24 years with 3 children. Every day I wish that I had had the courage and support go leave him years ago.
Be gentle with yourself, keeping coming back here and please try Al Anon!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Ohhh boy. The first thing that comes to my mind is, be thankful you aren't married. I know that sounds bad but it's true. It's one less thing you have to drag yourself through if and when it all falls apart.
Your boyfriend is quacking. He deserves to drink and you nag him like his mom nagged his dad to death. They are excuses. I've read enough on here thus far to know that I have enabled my AH and you too are enabling your ABF to drink by picking up his slack and doing his job. It doesn't seem like enabling because it needs done at the time but it all comes down to consequences and what will happen if he doesn't get off his drunk a$$ and pay the bills. Who's going to do it if you are sick and you can't get out of bed?
Unfortunately, we all know what you are going through. I sit here many nights alone, while I'm at work and read this site and the stories and it's all too familiar. It's heart breaking and I'm so sorry.
My husband and I don't have children together but we have children. We live alone. If I could tell you anything at all, I would want you to know that your *A* #1 is your baby. Not the drunk on the couch. He is not a baby. He can get up and feed himself, go to work and make his own decisions but your baby needs you so don't take yourself away from your child and feel forced to reckon with your ABF because you did not cause it; you can not control it; you can not cure it.
Also Alanon meetings will be helpful. I started going because I was at my wits end. Our life has been good for the last week because my AH is 1 week sober but all that can change in an instant. Although he's doing well, he has proven to me in the past that that can go to He!! in a hand basket in an instant. I'm so sorry you're here. Take care of YOU and BABY! You 2 are the most important and the sooner you find that out, the better!
Your boyfriend is quacking. He deserves to drink and you nag him like his mom nagged his dad to death. They are excuses. I've read enough on here thus far to know that I have enabled my AH and you too are enabling your ABF to drink by picking up his slack and doing his job. It doesn't seem like enabling because it needs done at the time but it all comes down to consequences and what will happen if he doesn't get off his drunk a$$ and pay the bills. Who's going to do it if you are sick and you can't get out of bed?
Unfortunately, we all know what you are going through. I sit here many nights alone, while I'm at work and read this site and the stories and it's all too familiar. It's heart breaking and I'm so sorry.
My husband and I don't have children together but we have children. We live alone. If I could tell you anything at all, I would want you to know that your *A* #1 is your baby. Not the drunk on the couch. He is not a baby. He can get up and feed himself, go to work and make his own decisions but your baby needs you so don't take yourself away from your child and feel forced to reckon with your ABF because you did not cause it; you can not control it; you can not cure it.
Also Alanon meetings will be helpful. I started going because I was at my wits end. Our life has been good for the last week because my AH is 1 week sober but all that can change in an instant. Although he's doing well, he has proven to me in the past that that can go to He!! in a hand basket in an instant. I'm so sorry you're here. Take care of YOU and BABY! You 2 are the most important and the sooner you find that out, the better!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Tonka, this sounds pretty familiar, but I married the guy. We have two kids. I second the person who says at least you didn't marry him.
What I found is that since I was already taking care of everything anyway, what difference did it make if he lived with me? As it turns out, A LOT. I have always done everything around the house and managed the kids and made the plans and ran the errands and paid the bills and *cough* WORKED, even when he did not. When I asked him to move out, he did, and it turns out that this life is pretty dang good when I'm not doing all these things and ALSO worrying about him and kowtowing to him and his petty needs to stay up all night watching dumbass movies and cook fancy meals that make him feel good about himself while our marriage circled the toilet.
So, I kicked him out. I still do everything around the house and manage the kids and make the plans and run the errands and pay the bills and work, but I don't have him around taking up my energy and picking arguments and sucking up all the food and extra cash in the house. It's glorious.
What I found is that since I was already taking care of everything anyway, what difference did it make if he lived with me? As it turns out, A LOT. I have always done everything around the house and managed the kids and made the plans and ran the errands and paid the bills and *cough* WORKED, even when he did not. When I asked him to move out, he did, and it turns out that this life is pretty dang good when I'm not doing all these things and ALSO worrying about him and kowtowing to him and his petty needs to stay up all night watching dumbass movies and cook fancy meals that make him feel good about himself while our marriage circled the toilet.
So, I kicked him out. I still do everything around the house and manage the kids and make the plans and run the errands and pay the bills and work, but I don't have him around taking up my energy and picking arguments and sucking up all the food and extra cash in the house. It's glorious.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone, and I agree, I'm thankful all the time that we're not married.. he would never get off his butt to put on a suit and go somewhere to get married even if I wanted to. But I told him I'd never marry him as long as he's drinking, he doesn't seem to care about that.
I need to figure things out, contact social assistance and assisted housing and see if I can get out of this situation. I highly doubt he will stop, I have never in nearly four years heard him make a single remark about attempting to quit or cut back. He doesn't want to quit and I can't force him to. I just think he doesn't realize that once I'm gone, he will only see his son once a week under my supervision, and never take him even for an hour. Too bad for him. And he's to drunk & lazy to bother taking me to court so he can't do a damn thing about it.
Thanks for the advice everyone, I'm hoping I can build up the courage soon
I need to figure things out, contact social assistance and assisted housing and see if I can get out of this situation. I highly doubt he will stop, I have never in nearly four years heard him make a single remark about attempting to quit or cut back. He doesn't want to quit and I can't force him to. I just think he doesn't realize that once I'm gone, he will only see his son once a week under my supervision, and never take him even for an hour. Too bad for him. And he's to drunk & lazy to bother taking me to court so he can't do a damn thing about it.
Thanks for the advice everyone, I'm hoping I can build up the courage soon
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, tonka. Good replies so far, and I hope you stick around and keep reading and posting.
We have around here what we call the three C's. We don't cause them to drink, We can't control them, we can't cure them. That leaves us to focus on what we can control, our own lives. So what do you want your life to look like from this day forward? Start with small goals and work toward them a little at a time.
Take good care,
~T
We have around here what we call the three C's. We don't cause them to drink, We can't control them, we can't cure them. That leaves us to focus on what we can control, our own lives. So what do you want your life to look like from this day forward? Start with small goals and work toward them a little at a time.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2
My thoughts are get out now before things gets worse. If he doesn't want to get help, ike you said, you can't force him. Things can always get worse! Take care of you and that baby. I'm iin the same position right now and I'm trying to get out. Like everyone said, get a plan and stick to it. It is much easier to make a plan while you have time before you need a quick exit.
Hugs
Hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
wow hon, I felt like I was reading my own story during that first paragraph. You are right...things will only get worse. I spent almost 10 years living that life. Most of the time I was doing the financial support also...my ex got bad enough that he couldn't hold a job. He did a great job GETTING a job, but couldn't hold onto it once it became apparent that he was drunk all the time. I was living out of my home state, away from all family, and had 2 small children with him. I KNOW HOW YOU ARE FEELING!
It took some time and some planning, but I did leave and make a new life for me and my kids. It's not always easy, but compared to what it was-life is so much better now. It was a long road-it took a couple of years of preparation, but I did it. and if that's what you want I know you can do it too.
It took some time and some planning, but I did leave and make a new life for me and my kids. It's not always easy, but compared to what it was-life is so much better now. It was a long road-it took a couple of years of preparation, but I did it. and if that's what you want I know you can do it too.
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