thislonelygirl

No real feeling about this which I guess is a good thing. Am just thinking wow grow up.
So been at my parents but still in contact with ah trying to work things out get over the hump carry on so forth and hes said hes been working which is true but he hasnt been drinking. Im not so sure so my sister and her fiance came down. They live out of state and wanted us all to go to dinner. Cool. so a couple of people which consisted of couples and an old time friend and her significant other.a cop. Who I haven't seen in awhile. Needless to say I talked to ah before hand . No drinking. he agreed. long story short aside from my toddler out of hand they were serving alcohol of course and like a teen or kid begging their mother for something. Ah was begging for a drink. It was embarrassing and then sneaking off to the restroom to go to the bar then bribing the cop friend not to say anything with a drink then getting upset because it was time to go.
Trying to throw money around onto of that for everyone's drinks. how many lessons do I need? Jeez. It was like I had two toddlers and believe me his begging was not subtle and he didnt let off and I said hey I'm not drinking either calm down and he responded cuz your a woman and pretty sure everyone else heard him quaking ....I just tried to grit my teeth.
I just wanted a normal dinner with a normal man and to see everyone talk and leave instead it was him in my ear the whole time. Like a quaking kid saying mom.mom.mom...please. can i can I . Then onto of that evening my sister full aware of what's going on gets mad because I didn't give everyone a proper goodbye. Im sorry my mind was elsewhere. A lot of stress and things going on. Then a few other tid bits of stress that I don't feel like writing about and oh seeing my friends family as couples put more sadness and stress on me because they are so happy loving and functional as couples and I just want the same relationship with ah but he acts like allllll he wants is to drink party and act like a teenager.

Rosiepetal

Hi
I'm not sure this man is the one that will give you what you want in a relationship.
It's more broken promises, childish behaviour & remember what you found on his phone?
I know you love him but I so think you deserve better than to be tied to this man.
Big hugs to you, so sorry you're feeling stressed honey.

thislonelygirl

Ps when we were alone he was talking about how he likes me going to my parents ever so often. Ugh what? My mothers having surgery soon and I'm going to help her as much as I can but shouldn't it drive your husband crazy to not see you???! Then he started talking about his co worker and going to his house on his next time off. Whhhhattt!!! He's more interested in seeing people to drink party with than his family. If I said that he would just get mad and say not true but honey actions speak louder than words and I've seen enough action to know better.

thislonelygirl

Thanks rose.
I guess I just held onto who he use to be . who he is without allcohol and who i want him to be.
I feel like a huuuuge fool in love and Its sick that I am

Rosiepetal

I really feel for you & understand completely.
He is being very childish & I don't think you can take him seriously about anything.
If it's any consolation I still love my XABF but he is 51 & is still very much a child.
You are not a fool, you are a kind caring beautiful women who deserves better than what he has to offer.
Hugs.

ZiggyB

Hi Lonelygirl...
I can sympathize so much with your sentiment. I too was holding onto the man I wanted. It isn't foolish to want what is best for someone you care about. But in the end, we can't make that decision for them and it's bound to hurt us if we hold on.

xxxo

BoxinRotz

I remember asking my AH not to drink because I had something planned as a family... WTF was I thinking?! He took it as an open invitation to get sh!tfaced every single time.

dollydo

I am sorry, but, he will never be the man you are trying to mold him into. You moved back, jumped in with both feet, are staying, so I suggest that you accept him for who he is. Work on you, as, love does not conquer all.

jessiec

Your message brought me back to a few months ago befor ABF became RABF. I dreaded every social event because of this kind of scenario -- the promises, the s eaking, the uneasiness, the arguments. I could never just relax and enjoy -- at parties, and eventually just in life.

I finally had enough and broke up with him. "For good this time."

It wasn't until he knew I was serious that he began spooking at his life and ultimately decided to stop. He's been sober, going to meetings daily and working with a sponsor close to 5 months.

If I had stayed, we would still be doing that horrible song and dance. It's really no way to live.

I wish you the best!

lovesunandsnow

I remember my ex-abf doing the same thing. Going to a friends house one night and no one was drinking, well he was. He would go out to the car and slam a few beers. It was obvious to everyone how drunk he was getting everytime he walked back in the door but I couldn't say anything I was so embarrased.

So the host said to him please if you want to keep drinking just bring it in the house. He said he was not drinking and I said I think it's time to go home! Yicks couldn't believe it. So I understand social settings back in that time frame. Hard

Pelican

Is that because when you return, you treat him as if he is God's greatest gift to women? Do you act as if you can't get enough of him?

That's how I acted with my husband after he would make the promises that I wanted to hear.

On the outside, I was happy to be the loving couple again.
On the inside, I felt cheap and degraded.

thislonelygirl

Thanks. I don't know what I was thinking but I learned a lesson for sure and that's that I dont believe a word he says. He can't even keep a promise for one simple dinner.
It was sooooooo embarrassing and I know they heard him heck some even know he's an alcoholic which made it even more so and my sister apologized said she understands and felt bad.

Sharkbait

I remember having this exact same thing with my AXW. after i told her not to come see my sister and her baby because she was already drunk.
the next time i saw my family and she came she promised she wasn't going to have anything to drink.

Sure enough she gets offered one and without any pause accepts.

I'm sorry that you feel so stressed, i know the burden of trying to keep to many people happy, especially when one of them is an alcoholic, you cant hide it, you cant help it the only thing you do is to trick yourself into believing no one knows.

realize that he is a chair. you cant expect him to act like a table, you cant get angry when is isn't a table. he is a chair and always will be a chair. any time you expect him to be anything more you will be disappointed and hurt. many hugs and best wishes for you.

Rosiepetal

You learned a lesson & that must be the positive to take out of the negative.
You can't trust anything they say.
Hugs to you.

PS: If my xabf was going out where there wasn't alcohol he used to hid his vodka in an assortment of jars & take it with him to swig in secrecy, it's sad.

m1k3

Alcoholics drink, it's what they do.

They will beg, hide, lie and do whatever it takes to drink, it's what they do.

They will not feel remorse about their behavior, all they care about is that next drink, it's what they do.

You can't change that, it's what they do.

Big question is, what are you going to do?

Your friend,

thislonelygirl

i treat him the way i want to be treated the way any loving partner would build them up etc if he takes it as him beign a god or a king thats on him not because i treated him so. Only thing i can do is be the best me and be the best to other people....its their shame when they take that love or that respect and turn it around to be monsters. and yes on the inside miserable.....but to the outside i think its apparent as well even if i tried to hide it ....its easy to see

thislonelygirl

thats exactly what happened! he told me no not going to drink he sounded reallllll stern with it . very serious and then as soon as we sit down and order our non alcoholic sodas he see others talking about or drinking and he started wining and got up to sneak off. it was instant. now that i think about it all the times he talked about other people and "their addictions" because other people who drink ALLL most be addicts too and then my addiction to cigarettes
and how basically stupid we are or me i should say to have a problem with his drinking....i find it funny after that night because i can sit down for 30 minutes in a restaurant NOT smoke and NOT drink....heck i can NOT smoke when i go to the store but he HAS to drink for a simple trip. shakes head to that and thanks. a chair hahaha.....too bad its not a stable well built and pretty chair just a chair with some loose screws

thislonelygirl

My mother who was there and knows well hes an alcoholic would whisper to me at the restaurant she was afraid he was sneaking off to his car "nope! hes not because we could see the car from the window inside" i already knew what he was doing ...he was sneaking off to the bar ...usually yes it would in fact be the car i have even gone through it at night while hes been asleep just to throw out alllllll the nasty trash which included empty bottles of beer or liquor and soda bottles filled with liquor and any liquor or wine or beer etc ...i dont even know if he even notices. very sad
and lol to the not drinking statement.....they must think they are sooooooo smooth or we are sooooooo stupid.

Pelican

I found that type of treatment to be ideal when I am in a healthy relationship. However, it didn't work when I was in a relationship with an active alcoholic. Normal relationships involve two people treating each other with mutual respect. Alcoholic relationships aren't normal because one partner is not capable of rational thinking/behavior.

In a relationship with an active alcoholic, alcohol is the priority ~ I was just an option.

thislonelygirl

Yea i caught that too....it was usually soda bottles he acted like were just soda but you could tell because he would either take it to the bathroom(every time he had to go. probably so i wouldnt smell or taste it) and or he would be very protective of the soda lol like move it anywhere it wasnt riiiiight next to him or too close to someone else
and yes it seems i can still learn new things...i thought by now i would have had this whole dance down but apparently im the wife , its the mistress and it has him wrapped around its metaphorical finger