i need some encouragement.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
i need some encouragement.
My wife is an alcoholic. I lost all my friends. My family. I lost myself. I left on tuesday after i got caught snooping through her bank account and facebook. I didnt trudst her. She kickrd me out Nd i havent gone back sincr. She then went on a four day bender, had people over, hot naked with strangers. Fell down the stairs put a big hole in the wall.
I know i do not want her anymore. I still love her, but if i stay she will kill me eventually. Tonight after she finally sobered up she is now wondering if she should fight for us. Its too late. Her mum called and left a voice message wanting to talk.
I know im doing the right thing. But its hard. I need some encouragement to help me stay strong. Im never going back
I know i do not want her anymore. I still love her, but if i stay she will kill me eventually. Tonight after she finally sobered up she is now wondering if she should fight for us. Its too late. Her mum called and left a voice message wanting to talk.
I know im doing the right thing. But its hard. I need some encouragement to help me stay strong. Im never going back
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Sharkbait,
I think that she did you a favor, by putting you out of that madness. Sometimes it is hard for us to leave them, it is a crazy life trying to live with an addict/alcoholic. She sounds like she isn't anywhere close to wanting to recover. Even if she is wandering if she should fight, it might just be how she feels when sober. But I doubt the hole in the wall is her "bottom".
I am glad you are here as there is much support. I wonder if you could find an al-anon meeting to go to? you sound like you could use some face to face time, with people who have been where you are, and have come out on the other side, happy and able to live a life that is good for them.
It is hard. But it isn't usually productive to wish and wait....turn your eyes inward, to find yourself and what you need. it probably isn't going to come from her, until she makes major changes, and gets sober and finds the road to recovery.
I wish you well. There is life after the chaos of trying to make a marriage out of misery.
hugs
chicory
I think that she did you a favor, by putting you out of that madness. Sometimes it is hard for us to leave them, it is a crazy life trying to live with an addict/alcoholic. She sounds like she isn't anywhere close to wanting to recover. Even if she is wandering if she should fight, it might just be how she feels when sober. But I doubt the hole in the wall is her "bottom".
I am glad you are here as there is much support. I wonder if you could find an al-anon meeting to go to? you sound like you could use some face to face time, with people who have been where you are, and have come out on the other side, happy and able to live a life that is good for them.
It is hard. But it isn't usually productive to wish and wait....turn your eyes inward, to find yourself and what you need. it probably isn't going to come from her, until she makes major changes, and gets sober and finds the road to recovery.
I wish you well. There is life after the chaos of trying to make a marriage out of misery.
hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
How can we help, she sounds like a monster, sorry, just the way I see it.
Please, begin to put the focus on you and your healing.
Alcoholism is a disease, a progressive disease, it makes the alcoholic sick and it makes their friends and family sick as well.
Do you have access to al anon, counseling????
I began my journey off the ride here, reading the stickies at the top of this section, getting educated about alcoholism, developing a healthy compassion for myself, and lots of crying and allowing myself room to grieve.
I'm so sorry you are in this place , at this time, keep posting, we care.
Sending you a big hug Katie
Please, begin to put the focus on you and your healing.
Alcoholism is a disease, a progressive disease, it makes the alcoholic sick and it makes their friends and family sick as well.
Do you have access to al anon, counseling????
I began my journey off the ride here, reading the stickies at the top of this section, getting educated about alcoholism, developing a healthy compassion for myself, and lots of crying and allowing myself room to grieve.
I'm so sorry you are in this place , at this time, keep posting, we care.
Sending you a big hug Katie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
Thank you :-) thank fully i just made a call to my dad to pick me up a bit in the moment of weakness and he helped alot. I have already move most of my stuff out. She will be home tomorrow, she has been staying at her mums the last two nightts. I dont want to talk to her but i probBly should let her know im not there shouldnt i?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Pine Grove, PA
Posts: 146
I think she might figure it out if your gone and your stuff's gone-All you did was abide by her wishes and removed your self from a dangerous situation. The ball is in her court, let her work it out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Sharkbait, so sorry to hear about your AW's behavior, but very glad that you are out of that situation.
People here on Sober Recovery talk about the three c's of alcoholism:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
You can't cure it.
Her behavior is her choice, and the consequences belong to her, not to you.
You can only choose behavior for yourself that will make you healthy and happy. I left my abusive AH of 20 years in July. What I am learning is that I can make a decision for myself, that supports my own needs, without first running it through the filter of "how will my decision affect my AH?"
This has been very hard for me to feel free to do. I trained myself well in being a co-dependent, and in revolving most of my life around what my AH needed.
So, I'd say, when you ask about whether or not you need to tell your AW that you are leaving, think about what will be best for you, not her. It is you who you are trying to heal, and your recovery must come first. Your wife will have to choose her own recovery, or not; that is not something you can control and it doesn't need to control you.
I also have had a rollercoaster of feelings since I left my AH in July, and come here often to sort out whether my feelings and decisions were helpful to my recovery or not. It has made all the difference to me to have this supportive community helping me learn what is healthy and what is not. Sadness and grief have been part of my journey, too.
Good luck, come back often, we're all here for you.
ShootingStar!
People here on Sober Recovery talk about the three c's of alcoholism:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
You can't cure it.
Her behavior is her choice, and the consequences belong to her, not to you.
You can only choose behavior for yourself that will make you healthy and happy. I left my abusive AH of 20 years in July. What I am learning is that I can make a decision for myself, that supports my own needs, without first running it through the filter of "how will my decision affect my AH?"
This has been very hard for me to feel free to do. I trained myself well in being a co-dependent, and in revolving most of my life around what my AH needed.
So, I'd say, when you ask about whether or not you need to tell your AW that you are leaving, think about what will be best for you, not her. It is you who you are trying to heal, and your recovery must come first. Your wife will have to choose her own recovery, or not; that is not something you can control and it doesn't need to control you.
I also have had a rollercoaster of feelings since I left my AH in July, and come here often to sort out whether my feelings and decisions were helpful to my recovery or not. It has made all the difference to me to have this supportive community helping me learn what is healthy and what is not. Sadness and grief have been part of my journey, too.
Good luck, come back often, we're all here for you.
ShootingStar!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
Thank you everyone for helping me get through the first of the weakness moments.
I just wanted to give a bit more history on the event that lead up to the separation.
To start with i snooped. i snooped through bank accounts Facebook and text messages. who can honestly say they trust their Alcoholic Partner. I'm not proud of what i did but i did it.
At the time she understood that her drinking is what made me do it. and at the time she was sorry for it, and we were working on it.
couple days later she goes and talks to her mum and i could tell she had something on her mind she wanted to say but gave her some time.
Then tuesday night. she had already decided she was going to get drunk. it was pay day and it was her thing that she did *sigh* after having a horrid month at work i decided I was going to have a drink myself.
got home she was drunk . everything was good for the first hour or so. she had to use my phone to call up about the tickets to a concert she was going to during our trip interstate (the one part of the trip she had any part in organizing, including organising to sleep on a strangers couch accepting drugs from said stranger and getting p***ed at me when i told her to be careful she doesn't know him) she used my phone and saw my ex's name near the top of the recent call list. my ex is the mother of two of my kids.
This started into She is not welcome in my home, i dont want to you talk to her and i dont want to hear her name.
Tough she is in my life and we have kids together so she will always be around and i will always talk to her for my boys.
then the facebook snooping topic came up. and "
my mum told me to throw you out because you cant be trusted" blah blah blah. so she did. she told me that i should leave because im not sleeping there tonight.
Start to explain why my ex was at the top of the recent calls list. the whole i dont have anyone else i talk to, no friends etc etc, then i say i dont even talk to my mum any more because of you.
to which i get a lovely "Good she is a F**ing B*^$h!. i then take her request and leave, ignoring her angry pleading for me to stay.
spend the night in the car and under my desk at work.
made an appointment and followed through seeing a shrink the next day, as soon as the shrink closed the door the tears came flowing and couldnt be stopped.
The shrink made me look at the things i did right that night.
making sure i ate, was safe did something productive and saw her for help. and not going back that night.
The next night i stayed at my sisters house. found out she spent the night drunk, high and naked with a group of her friends and random friends, fell down the stairs massive hole in the wall and my fave posted came crashing down of top of her shattering the glass, blood and glass all over the place etc etc.
that was when i decided i am never going back.
if i had only just met her and heard about that i wouldnt want her.
i dont want someone that would even think of doing that when still in a relationship.
i dont want someone that still feels that i got busted snooping and ran away when i was confronted with it.
i dont want someone that plays the victim after causing all the mess.
there is so much more as i am sure you would all know, after all the song is the same but the words change for everyone in this situation.
she got home sunday night to a house empty of 90% of my things, and i realised that place was never my home. after removing my stuff there was hardly a dent in the place.
I am just glad that I am out. and once i get my car back from there as well I am not going to be talking to her, she almost killed me, i was thinking of ending it all on the tuesday night. but i didnt.
I had just hit rock bottom, and i am now rebuilding.
Thank you so much it truly is wonderful to know that I have this place to post to.
I just wanted to give a bit more history on the event that lead up to the separation.
To start with i snooped. i snooped through bank accounts Facebook and text messages. who can honestly say they trust their Alcoholic Partner. I'm not proud of what i did but i did it.
At the time she understood that her drinking is what made me do it. and at the time she was sorry for it, and we were working on it.
couple days later she goes and talks to her mum and i could tell she had something on her mind she wanted to say but gave her some time.
Then tuesday night. she had already decided she was going to get drunk. it was pay day and it was her thing that she did *sigh* after having a horrid month at work i decided I was going to have a drink myself.
got home she was drunk . everything was good for the first hour or so. she had to use my phone to call up about the tickets to a concert she was going to during our trip interstate (the one part of the trip she had any part in organizing, including organising to sleep on a strangers couch accepting drugs from said stranger and getting p***ed at me when i told her to be careful she doesn't know him) she used my phone and saw my ex's name near the top of the recent call list. my ex is the mother of two of my kids.
This started into She is not welcome in my home, i dont want to you talk to her and i dont want to hear her name.
Tough she is in my life and we have kids together so she will always be around and i will always talk to her for my boys.
then the facebook snooping topic came up. and "
my mum told me to throw you out because you cant be trusted" blah blah blah. so she did. she told me that i should leave because im not sleeping there tonight.
Start to explain why my ex was at the top of the recent calls list. the whole i dont have anyone else i talk to, no friends etc etc, then i say i dont even talk to my mum any more because of you.
to which i get a lovely "Good she is a F**ing B*^$h!. i then take her request and leave, ignoring her angry pleading for me to stay.
spend the night in the car and under my desk at work.
made an appointment and followed through seeing a shrink the next day, as soon as the shrink closed the door the tears came flowing and couldnt be stopped.
The shrink made me look at the things i did right that night.
making sure i ate, was safe did something productive and saw her for help. and not going back that night.
The next night i stayed at my sisters house. found out she spent the night drunk, high and naked with a group of her friends and random friends, fell down the stairs massive hole in the wall and my fave posted came crashing down of top of her shattering the glass, blood and glass all over the place etc etc.
that was when i decided i am never going back.
if i had only just met her and heard about that i wouldnt want her.
i dont want someone that would even think of doing that when still in a relationship.
i dont want someone that still feels that i got busted snooping and ran away when i was confronted with it.
i dont want someone that plays the victim after causing all the mess.
there is so much more as i am sure you would all know, after all the song is the same but the words change for everyone in this situation.
she got home sunday night to a house empty of 90% of my things, and i realised that place was never my home. after removing my stuff there was hardly a dent in the place.
I am just glad that I am out. and once i get my car back from there as well I am not going to be talking to her, she almost killed me, i was thinking of ending it all on the tuesday night. but i didnt.
I had just hit rock bottom, and i am now rebuilding.
Thank you so much it truly is wonderful to know that I have this place to post to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
Just wanted to say one thing that has helped me drastically is music. I have three main songs i am listening to atm. Taylor Swift - we are never ever getting back together, Evanesence - Call me when your sober and Korn - I did my time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I feel for you. But you are doing the right thing. Going back would make you loose your self esteem. You have work agead of you, but you are so worth it!!
My best wiches to you friend! Abusive relationships are hard to come out of. Almost a year for me, getting there. Be gentle with yourself, healing will come.
My best wiches to you friend! Abusive relationships are hard to come out of. Almost a year for me, getting there. Be gentle with yourself, healing will come.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Congratulations...
I am glad you're out of the situation you are in. Yeah, I did a bit of snooping myself but wasn't proud of it myself... well he left all of his info. open on my tablet computer and I shouldn't have looked but that's how I found out about the porn he was looking at, the going to bars in the middle of the day and the smoking which he was also supposed to stop doing. Your story is worse than mine by far, but you're right about the not being able to trust an alcoholic part, they will do whatever they want to do and then blame all of the problems on you and even lie about it to others.
I'm glad you're out of the situation you're in, getting over the verbal abuse and such takes a bit of time as well. It can be very difficult to trust again, I do not miss the obscenities or the yelling or the unpredictable anger outbursts.
I hope you take care of yourself.... I'm glad you left
I am glad you're out of the situation you are in. Yeah, I did a bit of snooping myself but wasn't proud of it myself... well he left all of his info. open on my tablet computer and I shouldn't have looked but that's how I found out about the porn he was looking at, the going to bars in the middle of the day and the smoking which he was also supposed to stop doing. Your story is worse than mine by far, but you're right about the not being able to trust an alcoholic part, they will do whatever they want to do and then blame all of the problems on you and even lie about it to others.
I'm glad you're out of the situation you're in, getting over the verbal abuse and such takes a bit of time as well. It can be very difficult to trust again, I do not miss the obscenities or the yelling or the unpredictable anger outbursts.
I hope you take care of yourself.... I'm glad you left
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 138
I was the snoop too! I am not proud of it but my ex-abf sent some texts about me bashing me and I didn’t even know he felt that way. It was the first glimmer of a wake up for me, but it wasn’t the bottom. It was always chaos with him but I never talked so bad about him to anyone in my life. Why would I? So right then it broke me to the core of who am I with? I help him for his issues and I felt disgusted with myself for loving him. But it took him walking away from me three months later to understand what a sick alcoholic person I was with.
So it’s hard and I know you’re done, but don’t get upset with yourself if you miss her and are sad. I miss my ex-abf so much and have had so much grief for months. I guess months are better than years. So I wish you well and glad your family is there for you.
So it’s hard and I know you’re done, but don’t get upset with yourself if you miss her and are sad. I miss my ex-abf so much and have had so much grief for months. I guess months are better than years. So I wish you well and glad your family is there for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by lovesunandsnow 
I was the snoop too! I am not proud of it but my ex-abf sent some texts about me bashing me and I didn’t even know he felt that way. It was the first glimmer of a wake up for me, but it wasn’t the bottom. It was always chaos with him but I never talked so bad about him to anyone in my life. Why would I? So right then it broke me to the core of who am I with? I help him for his issues and I felt disgusted with myself for loving him. But it took him walking away from me three months later to understand what a sick alcoholic person I was with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
Taylor Swift at the moment is on repeat. lol.
She is talking to me and quaking. not that she will change. me leaving has sunk in. but just she is being very nice and hospitable with organizing for me to get the rest of my stuff from her house etc. mentioning how we have heaps to talk about over the coming days /weeks/ months.
not sure what is going through her head but i know whats going through mine
"We are never ever getting back together"
She is talking to me and quaking. not that she will change. me leaving has sunk in. but just she is being very nice and hospitable with organizing for me to get the rest of my stuff from her house etc. mentioning how we have heaps to talk about over the coming days /weeks/ months.
not sure what is going through her head but i know whats going through mine
"We are never ever getting back together"
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Sharkbait
Just wanted to say one thing that has helped me drastically is music. I have three main songs i am listening to atm. Taylor Swift - we are never ever getting back together, Evanesence - Call me when your sober and Korn - I did my time.
Alanis Morrisette - Not the Doctor
Goyte - Somebody I Used to Know
P.O.D. - Set it Off
Eminem - oh, almost anything. I just love the aggression & cadence of his music
Stay strong & happy listening!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 40
Well. Some good news.. i think ive come along way since i started coming here. I miss her. i will admit there have been times i have considered going back.
but all it takes is a message or something from her and i realise exactly why i wont go back.
her outburst dont hurt me like they would have a year ago.
I'm Free.
and I got a phone call today letting me know that i now have my own house
i pick up the keys on thursday for my home,
one that will be will be filled with love and joy and freedom and most importantly ME!
I did cave and respond to one of her messages, she kept asking why I left.
and so i told her. she broke me.
and as usual this angered the alcohol beast. "dont play the pity card, you did this not me this is your pattern of leaving a relationship before 3 years"
the usual quack. I know this an outright lie.
I am a good person
I deserve to be happy
She cannot make me happy only I am responsible for that.
I called her bluff on the pattern and asked "what pattern" no response, and no im not sending any more messages. I will be collecting the rest of my things and moving on with my life.
to spend it with someone that can make me happy and will always be there for me no matter what.
myself.
but all it takes is a message or something from her and i realise exactly why i wont go back.
her outburst dont hurt me like they would have a year ago.
I'm Free.
and I got a phone call today letting me know that i now have my own house
i pick up the keys on thursday for my home,
one that will be will be filled with love and joy and freedom and most importantly ME!
I did cave and respond to one of her messages, she kept asking why I left.
and so i told her. she broke me.
and as usual this angered the alcohol beast. "dont play the pity card, you did this not me this is your pattern of leaving a relationship before 3 years"
the usual quack. I know this an outright lie.
I am a good person
I deserve to be happy
She cannot make me happy only I am responsible for that.
I called her bluff on the pattern and asked "what pattern" no response, and no im not sending any more messages. I will be collecting the rest of my things and moving on with my life.
to spend it with someone that can make me happy and will always be there for me no matter what.
myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by Sharkbait
I did cave and respond to one of her messages, she kept asking why I left.
and so i told her. she broke me.
and as usual this angered the alcohol beast. "dont play the pity card, you did this not me this is your pattern of leaving a relationship before 3 years"
the usual quack. I know this an outright lie.
I am a good person
I deserve to be happy
She cannot make me happy only I am responsible for that.
I called her bluff on the pattern and asked "what pattern" no response, and no im not sending any more messages. I will be collecting the rest of my things and moving on with my life.
to spend it with someone that can make me happy and will always be there for me no matter what.
myself.
and so i told her. she broke me.
and as usual this angered the alcohol beast. "dont play the pity card, you did this not me this is your pattern of leaving a relationship before 3 years"
the usual quack. I know this an outright lie.
I am a good person
I deserve to be happy
She cannot make me happy only I am responsible for that.
I called her bluff on the pattern and asked "what pattern" no response, and no im not sending any more messages. I will be collecting the rest of my things and moving on with my life.
to spend it with someone that can make me happy and will always be there for me no matter what.
myself.
My axbf did the same thing to me after I told him I was leaving him because of his drinking. He turned the tables around on me and blamed me for everything. Ignore her, she is quacking now and it's all lies.
It's another slap in the face. You ARE a good person who deserves happiness and I hope you find it.
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