My role in AH's family....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
My role in AH's family....
I have been reading daily, but not posting. Hope everyone is well.
My AH went to inpatient for 2 months- November to January. He relapsed in April. Not a surprising turn of events, as he was not actively working a program, and was spiraling into "poor me" leading up to it. A very familiar story, terminally unique....
Anyway, treatment was very expensive.... His brother and his parents paid all that was not covered by insurance.... Like $25,000 or more. It was horrifying to ask them for that kind of money, but they were thankful he was going, and were more than willing.
Anyway, they don't really know he is not sober, though his mom suspects. She constantly asks me. I went from lying right out, to telling her she should take her concerns to him directly.
Tonight we were at their home, the whole family, for birthdays. My AH was sulky and sullen, avoiding everyone. He drank earlier in the day, so was a crabby jerk, but not particularly drunk. His mom questioned me... What's wrong with him... He's not himself.... Has he been drinking... I told her to talk to him. She came right out and said "I think he is".
I am panicking about this. I know it's his to handle. I know it. But with all they invested, I cannot help the shame and guilt that plays over me. Ugh. His parents went to alanon for a while when he first got home, but stopped. I have outside support, but no family support bc I am too ashamed to tell them or my family just how far we have fallen.
So..... Anyone out there with similar family drama? Input appreciated.
xoxo
Ell.
My AH went to inpatient for 2 months- November to January. He relapsed in April. Not a surprising turn of events, as he was not actively working a program, and was spiraling into "poor me" leading up to it. A very familiar story, terminally unique....
Anyway, treatment was very expensive.... His brother and his parents paid all that was not covered by insurance.... Like $25,000 or more. It was horrifying to ask them for that kind of money, but they were thankful he was going, and were more than willing.
Anyway, they don't really know he is not sober, though his mom suspects. She constantly asks me. I went from lying right out, to telling her she should take her concerns to him directly.
Tonight we were at their home, the whole family, for birthdays. My AH was sulky and sullen, avoiding everyone. He drank earlier in the day, so was a crabby jerk, but not particularly drunk. His mom questioned me... What's wrong with him... He's not himself.... Has he been drinking... I told her to talk to him. She came right out and said "I think he is".
I am panicking about this. I know it's his to handle. I know it. But with all they invested, I cannot help the shame and guilt that plays over me. Ugh. His parents went to alanon for a while when he first got home, but stopped. I have outside support, but no family support bc I am too ashamed to tell them or my family just how far we have fallen.
So..... Anyone out there with similar family drama? Input appreciated.
xoxo
Ell.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 7
Yes, pretty much the same thing happened to me. I don't know why it bothers us so much when they start drinking again. The only thing different in my situation is that I told. It took me a month but I told. I told EVERYONE because I didn't want to be isolated by his addiction again. When I told his therapist she was choked that I waited so long to tell her. He's still drinking but I don't feel as bad as I could have because I told and I have people to talk to about it with.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Ell, welcome to SR. We here do understand your unwarranted shame and guilt, as that is a very common consequence for family members of alcoholics. Have you yourself tried any Al-Anon meetings? You mention you have support, so perhaps you are in counseling or going to meetings.
I think most of here know what it is to try to protect the alcoholic from the consequences of his drinking, and one way we do this is to cover for him when others ask whether or not he's drinking. We lie. Just like the alcoholic lies. And the lies bring down our self-esteem and our need for personal integrity.
It is always a personal decision about how to respond to family members' probing--and your situation is complicated by the sense of indebtedness you feel toward your husband's family for paying a lot of money toward his treatment, which apparently you feel was a sacrifice not only for your husband but also for you, hence your guilt and shame that "we have fallen" (rather than "he has fallen").
One thing we try to do in our recovery is to step out of the way and allow people to experience the full consequences of their choices--whether it is the alcoholic or other family members. We respect their right to be adults who are self-directed.
Your in-laws are adults who make adult decisions and assume all the responsibility and risk for their decisions. The money your in-laws contributed was not, I assume, coerced. It was freely given, with hope and concern. It may not have been given, however, with a full awareness of the statistical probability of relapse in early recovery. It may have been given with unreasonable expectations of concrete and permanent results. If that is so, then your in-laws will have a learning experience ahead of them, about their money, about their relationship with the alcoholic, and about the realities of addictive disease. It is their issue. Their consequence. Their learning experience. If they try to hand this issue to you, hand it back. If they try to make you feel responsible for their rehab contribution, hand the responsibility back. If they try to make you feel guilty, hand the guilt back. You have never had any control over your husband's drinking nor over the financial choices his family makes regarding that.
Your husband may have to experience a series of bottoms before he finds sobriety that sticks. Or maybe just one more bottom. It is a "chronic, relapsing disease" and that is a fact and you need feel no guilt or shame about that reality. He is an alcoholic and his drinking is for now beyond his control. That is what it means to be an alcoholic. I often recommend that people read the first three chapters of AA's Big Book to truly come to terms with the truth of alcoholism: that it is a disease of the mind that causes the alcoholic to drink against his will. (Big Book Online Fourth Edition).
Your focus will have to be on your own personal recovery, and I think you probably already know that. I would step up meeting attendance and also seek counseling for several months. It is so lonely to be the spouse of an alcoholic, to feel so much pain, and fear, and despair, and rage, and hurt, alone. The alcoholic abandons his wife. She is very alone. You need as much support there as possible.
Others will have good feedback for you here. It's a bit late tonight. I'm glad you reached out for connection. He has learned valuable tools for recovery, and there is still hope. But we are here for YOU. YOUR life is precious, and your peace of mind and your self-worth and your sense of security are absolutely vital, and I hope you will find the help YOU need from every available resource.
I think most of here know what it is to try to protect the alcoholic from the consequences of his drinking, and one way we do this is to cover for him when others ask whether or not he's drinking. We lie. Just like the alcoholic lies. And the lies bring down our self-esteem and our need for personal integrity.
It is always a personal decision about how to respond to family members' probing--and your situation is complicated by the sense of indebtedness you feel toward your husband's family for paying a lot of money toward his treatment, which apparently you feel was a sacrifice not only for your husband but also for you, hence your guilt and shame that "we have fallen" (rather than "he has fallen").
One thing we try to do in our recovery is to step out of the way and allow people to experience the full consequences of their choices--whether it is the alcoholic or other family members. We respect their right to be adults who are self-directed.
Your in-laws are adults who make adult decisions and assume all the responsibility and risk for their decisions. The money your in-laws contributed was not, I assume, coerced. It was freely given, with hope and concern. It may not have been given, however, with a full awareness of the statistical probability of relapse in early recovery. It may have been given with unreasonable expectations of concrete and permanent results. If that is so, then your in-laws will have a learning experience ahead of them, about their money, about their relationship with the alcoholic, and about the realities of addictive disease. It is their issue. Their consequence. Their learning experience. If they try to hand this issue to you, hand it back. If they try to make you feel responsible for their rehab contribution, hand the responsibility back. If they try to make you feel guilty, hand the guilt back. You have never had any control over your husband's drinking nor over the financial choices his family makes regarding that.
Your husband may have to experience a series of bottoms before he finds sobriety that sticks. Or maybe just one more bottom. It is a "chronic, relapsing disease" and that is a fact and you need feel no guilt or shame about that reality. He is an alcoholic and his drinking is for now beyond his control. That is what it means to be an alcoholic. I often recommend that people read the first three chapters of AA's Big Book to truly come to terms with the truth of alcoholism: that it is a disease of the mind that causes the alcoholic to drink against his will. (Big Book Online Fourth Edition).
Your focus will have to be on your own personal recovery, and I think you probably already know that. I would step up meeting attendance and also seek counseling for several months. It is so lonely to be the spouse of an alcoholic, to feel so much pain, and fear, and despair, and rage, and hurt, alone. The alcoholic abandons his wife. She is very alone. You need as much support there as possible.
Others will have good feedback for you here. It's a bit late tonight. I'm glad you reached out for connection. He has learned valuable tools for recovery, and there is still hope. But we are here for YOU. YOUR life is precious, and your peace of mind and your self-worth and your sense of security are absolutely vital, and I hope you will find the help YOU need from every available resource.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
When you take on the burden of lying for someone, or hiding their truth, you begin to own their alcoholism (or whatever issue) also. Why own what is his solely to own?
Step away from owning his problem. Let him own it. Distance yourself from being a part of some cover-up, skeleton in the closet thing. It's not yours...so don't own it!
If you don't want to tattle tale, then when his mother asks, give her a look that says it all, and you won't have said a word.
Free yourself. It is not your burden. You did not become responsible for his behavior by marrying him.
His parents deserve to know the return on their rehab investment. She's asking you because she knows he would lie. I think you are correct to tell her to ask him herself. Doesn't simply sayiing "ask him" reveal the truth anyway? It's not only what you say...it's what you don't say. That you didn't say--Oh no! He hasn't had a drop! reveals the truth. She knows the truth already! She just wants to see if you will say it out loud.
The second we lie for somebody else's problem, we are sucked into the sickness too. Don't let that happen.
Step away from owning his problem. Let him own it. Distance yourself from being a part of some cover-up, skeleton in the closet thing. It's not yours...so don't own it!
If you don't want to tattle tale, then when his mother asks, give her a look that says it all, and you won't have said a word.
Free yourself. It is not your burden. You did not become responsible for his behavior by marrying him.
His parents deserve to know the return on their rehab investment. She's asking you because she knows he would lie. I think you are correct to tell her to ask him herself. Doesn't simply sayiing "ask him" reveal the truth anyway? It's not only what you say...it's what you don't say. That you didn't say--Oh no! He hasn't had a drop! reveals the truth. She knows the truth already! She just wants to see if you will say it out loud.
The second we lie for somebody else's problem, we are sucked into the sickness too. Don't let that happen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I am panicking about this. I know it's his to handle. I know it. But with all they invested, I cannot help the shame and guilt that plays over me.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I do not talk to his family at all, we do not get along. I do not talk to my family because they are starting to blame his issues on me (while it is his fault, I do see their point, if I just left him I wouldn't have to deal with it, etc.).
Anyway, you may find this stupid, but it works immensely for me. I go to Al-Anon twice a week, and I go to 10 AA meetings a week. I have an anger problem, which I sometimes solve with alcohol, and I happen to get immensely stupid while drunk. So no, I do not have a drinking problem, but it could very easily turn into one. Anyway, being in a room full of people who actually have the problem, who actually have been where my ABF is, helped me to understand him better. Al-Anon is to help me understand myself better, AA is to help me understand him better. It's simple, really.
And actually, I have friends for the first time in my life, and yes, they are all alcoholics, but I don't judge them just like they don't judge me for not actually being one. And it's also helpful not making me drunk and stupid when I hang out with them, because it's guaranteed to be a sober experience.
I have been in a much much better frame of mind since going to all those meetings.
Anyway, you may find this stupid, but it works immensely for me. I go to Al-Anon twice a week, and I go to 10 AA meetings a week. I have an anger problem, which I sometimes solve with alcohol, and I happen to get immensely stupid while drunk. So no, I do not have a drinking problem, but it could very easily turn into one. Anyway, being in a room full of people who actually have the problem, who actually have been where my ABF is, helped me to understand him better. Al-Anon is to help me understand myself better, AA is to help me understand him better. It's simple, really.
And actually, I have friends for the first time in my life, and yes, they are all alcoholics, but I don't judge them just like they don't judge me for not actually being one. And it's also helpful not making me drunk and stupid when I hang out with them, because it's guaranteed to be a sober experience.
I have been in a much much better frame of mind since going to all those meetings.
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