New here, old problem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: ellington
Posts: 2
New here, old problem
Hi there-
I am here because of my husband, my high school sweetheart I've been with since age 15, almost 10 years.Obviously, he didn't drink back then, but he did demonstrate a serious lack of coping skills. He suffers from seasonal depression but was taught growing up that he was "fine." Alcoholism, depression, and anxiety run in his family. His uncle, and sister suffer like he does.
Long story short- my husbands drinking became his coping mechanism for stress and depression. It has caused him to have a dui, and to be unfaithful to me. He has gotten worlds better than what he was, and our relationship is very strong now. We still have a firm no 6 pack in the house rule (he'll drink them all in a few hours), but I find that problems happen when we visit our families. This time of year especially, booze is readily available, and his family thinks I'm an overreacting lunatic. But the truth of the matter is, when he has one, he can't stop. For example, at my parents house tonight he had 2 wine coolers. When we came home, he somehow managed to sneak to the package store without me noticing and bought and drank a whole bottle of jack daniels. He admitted it and told me where it was, but I am so saddened at his lack of restraint and self discipline. He truly suffers from sickness.
He is getting ready to deploy to Kuwait (which is a dry country, no alcohol) for 10 months. I am worried about his mental health during this time, and of course, his reaction to having alcohol readily available when he returns home.
So, my question is, how can I encourage healthy coping behaviors for stress and depression while he's home now? And, how can I avoid the holiday stupor?
I am here because of my husband, my high school sweetheart I've been with since age 15, almost 10 years.Obviously, he didn't drink back then, but he did demonstrate a serious lack of coping skills. He suffers from seasonal depression but was taught growing up that he was "fine." Alcoholism, depression, and anxiety run in his family. His uncle, and sister suffer like he does.
Long story short- my husbands drinking became his coping mechanism for stress and depression. It has caused him to have a dui, and to be unfaithful to me. He has gotten worlds better than what he was, and our relationship is very strong now. We still have a firm no 6 pack in the house rule (he'll drink them all in a few hours), but I find that problems happen when we visit our families. This time of year especially, booze is readily available, and his family thinks I'm an overreacting lunatic. But the truth of the matter is, when he has one, he can't stop. For example, at my parents house tonight he had 2 wine coolers. When we came home, he somehow managed to sneak to the package store without me noticing and bought and drank a whole bottle of jack daniels. He admitted it and told me where it was, but I am so saddened at his lack of restraint and self discipline. He truly suffers from sickness.
He is getting ready to deploy to Kuwait (which is a dry country, no alcohol) for 10 months. I am worried about his mental health during this time, and of course, his reaction to having alcohol readily available when he returns home.
So, my question is, how can I encourage healthy coping behaviors for stress and depression while he's home now? And, how can I avoid the holiday stupor?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((christalb)) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
As far as what YOU can to do help him? Sorry to say, but he won't change until HE wants to.
FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codie (codependent) who thought I could "fix" people.
I found out the only person I could change was me. It doesn't matter HOW much I understand addiction, to those who are still using substances to "zone out", they don't want to here me. Denial is a very strong thing.
I recommend you read the numerous posts on this forum. We know what you are going through, and share our ES&H - experience, strength and hope.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As far as what YOU can to do help him? Sorry to say, but he won't change until HE wants to.
FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codie (codependent) who thought I could "fix" people.
I found out the only person I could change was me. It doesn't matter HOW much I understand addiction, to those who are still using substances to "zone out", they don't want to here me. Denial is a very strong thing.
I recommend you read the numerous posts on this forum. We know what you are going through, and share our ES&H - experience, strength and hope.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
When I first arrived here, I wanted to find a way to change my husband's behavior. I had exhausted myself with begging, asking, nagging, etc.
I learned about the 3 C's of his alcoholism:
I did not CAUSE it
I can not CONTROL it
I will not CURE it
He has to want to get help for himself. Otherwise, he will be trying to find loopholes in your rules just to feed his addictions (like getting a bottle of jack is not the same as bringing home a 6 pack, right?)
Here is a link to an older SR post that contains steps that did help me while I was living with alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
When I first arrived here, I wanted to find a way to change my husband's behavior. I had exhausted myself with begging, asking, nagging, etc.
I learned about the 3 C's of his alcoholism:
I did not CAUSE it
I can not CONTROL it
I will not CURE it
He has to want to get help for himself. Otherwise, he will be trying to find loopholes in your rules just to feed his addictions (like getting a bottle of jack is not the same as bringing home a 6 pack, right?)
Here is a link to an older SR post that contains steps that did help me while I was living with alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
This won't help...at all, but you should know.
I know you're a Navy wife, due to the terminology you used. I'm Navy and recognize it easily.
Kuwait itself is dry, yes. The base your husband will be on for his year unaccompanied tour is considered U.S. land, and is not dry. I was there. There is ample and ready alcohol everywhere.
If he told you they had no alcohol available, he is either lying, or somehow really doesn't know.
Sorry.
I know you're a Navy wife, due to the terminology you used. I'm Navy and recognize it easily.
Kuwait itself is dry, yes. The base your husband will be on for his year unaccompanied tour is considered U.S. land, and is not dry. I was there. There is ample and ready alcohol everywhere.
If he told you they had no alcohol available, he is either lying, or somehow really doesn't know.
Sorry.
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